Forced to be the dumper

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

I literally feel like my heart is breaking. I think I need to end things with my boyfriend and its the last thing in this world I want to do.

 

A little bit of a back story. I am divorced with 3 kids. He is getting ready to file and he also has three kids. At the beginning of the summer we were at a sporting event and were confronted by a girl that was irate at my boyfriend. Yelling at him. He stayed to talk to her. I drove away.

 

He explained it away as a girl he works with that he hung out with a few times and she wanted more than he did and took it way too seriously. We've been going strong since, although I have to admit we don't see each other as much as I want because of the kids.

 

Yesterday I receive a facebook message from someone I don't know telling me that he's sleeping with other people. I ask for details or proof and what the person ended up telling me lined up with some of the days we weren't together.

 

Of course he denies it and asks why I would believe a random message in facebook over him. And without the incident in the summer I might not. But, I think he is seeing that girl he works with again.

 

I am in love with this guy. Am I overreacting by breaking up with him? I just don't think I trust him anymore. And without trust what is there? I feel like i am being forced to be the dumper in a relationship I don't want to leave. literally feel like I cannot breathe.

[h2man]

I just posted something similar... I found the 'perfect' woman and then found out she was sleeping with other guys... I just had to base my decision on how I felt - do you want to live life feeling the way you do with him? It's actually really simple, yes or no? But it's hard to live with that decision...

[HokeyReligions]

Don't listen to other people and base your decisions on them. Find out for yourself.

 

I'm a "see for myself" person. I would talk to him again. I would talk yo the girl I suspect. I might even show up unexpectedly a couple of times - always prepared for a good time and not for the worst.

 

Heck i dunno. I had a bf once who I thought was cheating and he told me he was before I could ask him and we broke up.

 

My bff in college showed up at a guys house. I don't know how she tracked down his home address but she did. We met him at a college party. She d ated him a few times. I was with her when she went to his front door. He ushered her away quickly and talked in the parking lot. She still didn't realize what was happening until I said there was a woman in the apartment. Either his wife or gf.

 

Find out yourself. Get help from people you do trust. Be prepared he might be totally innocent but so highly offended at your distrust that he breaks it off.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Thank you so much for the responses. I think my head knows the right thing to do, but my heart is stopping me.

 

It he,is me work through and and try to decide by hearing others objective opinions.

 

Any other advice out there for me??

[EdG]

You're suspicions are justified, so he'd unfair and in my eyes 'guilty' if he just "rubbished" them... If he has respect for you and is innocent you should be able to sit down with him, talk through your suspicions and he should be able to explain himself and prove his innocence fairly easily. He could contact this person who sent you a message on Facebook and ask her why she's saying the things she is. If he's right for you he'll do all he can to prove his innocence. Remember, you suspicions are VALID, so don't let him just say "why do you believe what others are telling you"... If he loves you he'll put your mind at rest! Have this convo before making any decisions.

[mercuryshadow]

I'd say that your suspicions are justified, yet you should wait until you have calmed down and have gathered some further validation to go on. If during this time he does not jump through hoops to prove to you that these claims are erroneous, then you are within your rights, and should have good conscience to end the relationship.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Thanks for the additional replies. He just offered to take me to a work happy hour that is happening today. The thing is that I know the girl I have suspicisions about is out of town and that only 2 people that are in a different group of friends knew about the two of them previously. So, none of her friends are going to be there.

 

Do you think this is proof he isn't lying? They work at a rather large company so it most likely wont get back to her that he brought me.

[mercuryshadow]

I must say, that is just too coincidental. Hold off for now. I'm not sure what other avenues you can pursue, do you have any way of establishing further proof?

[Philosoraptor]

Whether or not he is cheating is besides the point. You posting here and what you've written say enough that you have enough doubt in him to even be shaken by a random facebook message.

 

You don't seem trusting in him or secure in the relationship, and you are avoiding doing what your instincts have been telling you all along. They're not saying "run because of this message" they're saying "run, as this guy is untrustworthy".

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Thanks again or the responses. Part if me wants to hold off on the happy hour but part o me wants to go so bad and actually believe that it means something.

 

Would I be crazy to reach out to the other girl? Or ask him to?

 

Also, philos, thanks for the response. I guess you are right. I'm jut trying to figure out if I'm responding rationally. I confronted him immediately after I received the message which I regret now. And he says all of the right things...

[Philosoraptor]

So either you don't trust him and he's being honest, or you don't trust him and he's a slimy manipulator. Either way, you don't trust him and that's all it comes down to. Something about his character is dinging your meter and your instincts are telling you to escape.

 

You're looking for a valid reason to end things. You do not need some solid reason. Trust yourself to make the right decision for you without regrets.

[reddragon588]

Your suspicions appear to be well founded. At the end of the day, every relationship that is successful has one common theme: effective communication. You need to sit with him and tell him face to face your concerns and feelings. Give him the opportunity to be honest. You will be able to tell if he is.

[Chi townD]

The MOST important thing you HAVE to consider is exposing this guy to your kids. He would turn into a father figure to them in a sort of way. You would want someone that is a strong male role model for them. Not the kind of guy that has women running up to him and screaming at him in front of your kids that he has to remove himself from the situation to try and gain control of everything. You kids saw that.... IS that the kind of guy that you want showing your kids that his way is the way you treat women?

 

Look, I know you want a happy and loving relationship. But, you are secondary in all of this. Your kids and their well being is first. And who you expose them to is your responsibility. So, if you don't trust this guy, then you show your kids a strong and independent woman that is willing to protect herself and her kids and drop him.

[stillafool]

I find it highly doubtful that a girl would confront him in a highly emotional state without just cause. It just doesn't happen. He is cheating.

[barky2]

OK wow.

 

Ouch, sorry you're going thru all of this.

 

I have to agreed with alot that's been posted.

 

If ending this is NOT what you want to do...then you need to have a serious heart to heart with him.

 

No fighting and no lies

 

Telll him to be completely honest with you even if it hurts.

 

After that happens, you need to be the judge on where this ends up.

 

Trust is number one...hands down.

 

After what I've been thru with my (ex)...for a long time we didn't trust each other.

 

But- we gave it our all.

 

Trust can be rebuilt...if a healthy foundation is started and nothing from the relationship has been brought into play later.

 

Fresh slate.

 

My question to you is this.

 

What happens if he comes out and says yes I've been cheating but I'm done with it and only want to be with you? What would you do?

 

Soul search every single possible outcome.

 

Don't reply just yet.

 

Take some time and think....as much as it hurts.

 

Then reply back.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[KatZee]

I find it highly doubtful that a girl would confront him in a highly emotional state without just cause. It just doesn't happen. He is cheating.

 

I was about to post this exact same thing. First with the emotional girl and then with the message.

 

Yes, there are lunatics in this world, but more often than not, things like this aren't games being played. Something is going on and someone wanted you to know.

 

Probably not for the reason you're suspecting. They probably aren't looking out for you but they probably have had something going on with him and are feeling betrayed because of it. This was the way to lash back out and ruin HIS life.

 

I don't think him inviting you to the work happy hour means a thing. Especially since all the key players are conveniently missing. I think he's just throwing crumbs at you to divert your attention.

 

I wouldn't confront him again. If he truly IS cheating on you, you're going to drive him further underground. He will hide his tracks well. You need to go about your life with him as usual. Don't act differently, don't ask questions. YOU need to be your own detective now. If and when you have sufficient information to prove he has cheated or is cheating, THEN you move in for the kill.

 

People are going to try and tell you all the fluffy stuff they want you to hear. "Have a heart to heart." "Sit down and talk." "Be honest."

 

Cheaters are LIARS and most are damn good. They will say and do anything to get you off their trail. Having a heart to heart will not work. Infidelity is a whole new ballgame when it comes to sitting down and talking about it. You have two scenarios now which are red flags. You need to do the work.

Edited September 24, 2013 by KatZee

[KatZee]

[speaking from experience] I concur.

 

Personal experience as well. Cheaters disgust me.

[GorillaTheater]

All the single dads I know ...

 

He's "getting ready to file", which leads me to believe he's very married.

 

Sure, he's cheating. With the OP at the very least.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Thank you so much for the responses. It makes me feel not so alone.

 

Reddragon: the thing about effective communication is that he communicates really well and calms me down. The thing is, I'm just not sure i can trust a thing he says.

 

Chi-town: my kids are older. Youngest is 14, and nine were present when we were confronted by the other girl.

 

StillaFool: my thoughts exactly. I wouldn't.

 

Barky: I just don't think I can trust what he says. Since I have already confronted him, hes already denied it. i knew exactly what his answer would be before I confronted him. He always says the right things. I tried really hard to believe him when she confronted us, but this is the second time in about 3.5 months, and it's hard to believe him now. Even prior to this second time, the trust wasn't there 100%. It also probably didn't help that I confronted him and we talked about it through facebook initially.

 

Katzee: I agree and it crossed my mind that it may be the original girl that sent the new message. I'm just not sure why she would do t after all if this time. Why not do it more immediately after it all went down., that is what makes me think it is someone else. Maybe one of my friends or his friends. I just don't know. Also, the problem with me going all like everything is okay is just that I am not very good at pretending like everything is normal. ESP. When I am mad and hurt.

 

SkidMark: I do believe he is a good day. Just maybe not as good of a man or boyfriend as I thought he would be.

 

Gorilla: Yes he is still married. They were just foreclosed on and now each have their own place. The wife has the kids the majority if the time. They don't have a lot of money and are fighting over time with the kids which is why they haven't filed yet. They've been separated since December.

 

Skid mark: his wife isn't letting him see the kids as much as he would like. I'm really trying hard to believe he is with his kids when he says he is, but maybe he's not? That's why I am having a hard time seeing how he fits someone else in. Although clearly he did it before as evidenced by the screaming girl.

 

Thanks again everyone for helping me through this. I am literally having panic attacks.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

So, I'm not sure how to link my previous thread, but here is an update. I went to that Happy Hour. And it was great. Drank too much in a short amount of time.

 

I left this out if the story earlier, but we have a trip planned with my three kids for their fall break. (My best friends can't believe he's coming with us, and not spending the time with his kids. It really bothers my best friend. My answer to that is that he would only see them two of those days anyway, and their fall break is the following week. He'll get to spend more time with them that week. So, I don't agree with my friend that it is a character flaw that he is spending time with me and my kids). Yesterday when I was mad, I told him he was no longer invited. Tonight we agreed he should come and we would work on us.

 

Am I a complete idiot?

[melell]

Not an idiot. I think you will figure it out one way or another.

 

Part of the process. Sometimes we need to make mistakes to learn things, and sometimes we need to take risks to get somewhere.

 

The advice on this forum is priceless, we are learning from the situations of others, but at the same time nothing beats learning for ourselves.

[KatZee]

Tonight we agreed he should come and we would work on us.

 

Am I a complete idiot?

 

I'm just kind of confused. "Working" on a relationship takes TWO people who are completely open, and honest. You already don't even trust this guy. You've also had two different women starting drama, one flat out telling you he's screwing around on you.

 

What exactly are you hoping to "work on" if he's not even honest with you and he's possibly/probably out sticking his dick in other women?

 

Maybe you can still salvage this. Since he now believes you're "working" on the relationship, you can act as if all is fine while doing the necessary digging to find out what's been going on. Don't just bury your head in the sand and pretend things are fine. Check the phone, check emails, Facebook if he has one. Talk to the woman who confronted you. Ask if she has logs of conversations.

[Confusedbeyondbelief]

Thanks everyone. We went camping this weekend and had a great time. I now believe him when he tells me that it was probably the girl he works with just trying to stir the pot and break is up. I refuse to let that happen. The only thing that bothers me a little is that I'm not sure how she would have known some of the stuff the person sent me an email knew.

 

But I like him too much to let him go, and am really happy we've fixed things.

[Sparkle304]

"The only thing that bothers me a little is that I'm not sure how she would have known some of the stuff the person sent me an email knew.

 

But I like him too much to let him go, and am really happy we've fixed things."

 

 

You're not being true to yourself. You haven't fixed things. Your post clearly states that you're still bothered by past. Face the facts: you still have suspicions that he messed around with another girl and this means you do not fully trust your guy. You can only bury your feelings for a limited amount of time.

 

I think you want to believe that all is well and you're trying to perceive that your relationship is solid....

[KatZee]

Thanks everyone. We went camping this weekend and had a great time. I now believe him when he tells me that it was probably the girl he works with just trying to stir the pot and break is up. I refuse to let that happen. The only thing that bothers me a little is that I'm not sure how she would have known some of the stuff the person sent me an email knew.

 

But I like him too much to let him go, and am really happy we've fixed things.

 

 

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

 

You really CAN'T be this clueless... can you?

 

Why do you automatically jump to believe him? Because he said so? Did you think he was going to outright admit to being unfaithful? Did you think he was going to do anything OTHER than try to pin blame on someone else?

 

So this random work girl is trying to break you up for fun. Really? Why on earth would she do that? Does this person really have nothing better to do? And this person is just SOOOOO bored, that she also did background research into your life and miraculously knows your personal information with him.

 

This is really laughable. You know deep down he's being dishonest.