Long Distance Relationship advice

[Meg]

I have been dating a guy for almost 3 years now. He left this saturday to go to Mexico to Study abroad for school. He is very smart and intellectual, and is the type of guy I want to marry. I am confused as to what will happen between us. Recently he heard from a "friend" of mine that I was dating another guy. I am not, I do, however, have guy friends that I go out with becuase I miss beign around guys...I do not have any kind of sexual relatoinship with these guys, however. Anyways, I feel like he is going to give up on me because of this rumor. I told him that it is not true, that I only have eyes for him. I am falling in love with this guy, I don't want to lose him over something as stupid as this. I will not get to talk to him very often, and email and writing letters is limited because of the poor mailing systam in Mexico. Does anyone have advice as to how to go about this relationship wiht him, how to make it work, and how to show him that I love him without gettign to see him but about 5 times a year, for a couple weeks at a time? THanks so much.

[Deejette]

Long distance relationships are a problem because of the little time people spend together. If he already has heard rumors that you are going out with others, even if they are not true, he might not have the trust to put all relationships on hold and only see you.

 

If you are meant to be together, he will do the contacting and he will pursue you. I know this because a man I worked with 10 years ago contacted me and wanted to resume our "friendship." He had remembered me all that time and was waiting until he separated from his wife to contact me.

 

The point I am making here is that long distance relationships need that kind of dedication for them to work and it needs to come more from him, since you are already willing to make a go of it. You can contact him and let him know that those rumors are not true and that you really care about him, but after that, it is up to him to make the move towards a relationship.

I have been dating a guy for almost 3 years now. He left this saturday to go to Mexico to Study abroad for school. He is very smart and intellectual, and is the type of guy I want to marry. I am confused as to what will happen between us. Recently he heard from a "friend" of mine that I was dating another guy. I am not, I do, however, have guy friends that I go out with becuase I miss beign around guys...I do not have any kind of sexual relatoinship with these guys, however. Anyways, I feel like he is going to give up on me because of this rumor. I told him that it is not true, that I only have eyes for him. I am falling in love with this guy, I don't want to lose him over something as stupid as this. I will not get to talk to him very often, and email and writing letters is limited because of the poor mailing systam in Mexico. Does anyone have advice as to how to go about this relationship wiht him, how to make it work, and how to show him that I love him without gettign to see him but about 5 times a year, for a couple weeks at a time? THanks so much.

[girl whos heart is ????]

well me and my boyfriend jay live 12 states away from eachother and beleave me with our work scheduals and school and our family were lucky if we get 5 mins a week to talk

 

so i know what u r going through, the best way to show him you love him is to tell him. i mean be persistant about it make a deal put aside 15 mins a night to just write a letter maybe longer cuz even if the mailing service is bad...its still there and it works, might take a while but hey itll get there evntually...if u are worried about the pone bill getting too high get phone cards so that you know it wont be on ut bill, i have roommates that get pissed off when new hampshire shows up on the phone bill so if the phone is a problem then phone cards are a friend to a long distance relationship...also if ur worried that everythings just gonna fall apart send a video of urself instead of letter use a camcorder and talk into that or a voice recorder...there kinda neat to use a a letter instead of paper cuz the other person can look into ur eyes and see ur not lieing...so that might help...im just giving you sugggestions , i hope everything works out for the best for you!

I have been dating a guy for almost 3 years now. He left this saturday to go to Mexico to Study abroad for school. He is very smart and intellectual, and is the type of guy I want to marry. I am confused as to what will happen between us. Recently he heard from a "friend" of mine that I was dating another guy. I am not, I do, however, have guy friends that I go out with becuase I miss beign around guys...I do not have any kind of sexual relatoinship with these guys, however. Anyways, I feel like he is going to give up on me because of this rumor. I told him that it is not true, that I only have eyes for him. I am falling in love with this guy, I don't want to lose him over something as stupid as this. I will not get to talk to him very often, and email and writing letters is limited because of the poor mailing systam in Mexico. Does anyone have advice as to how to go about this relationship wiht him, how to make it work, and how to show him that I love him without gettign to see him but about 5 times a year, for a couple weeks at a time? THanks so much.

[MaGz]

well me and my boyfriend jay live 12 states away from eachother and beleave me with our work scheduals and school and our family were lucky if we get 5 mins a week to talk so i know what u r going through, the best way to show him you love him is to tell him. i mean be persistant about it make a deal put aside 15 mins a night to just write a letter maybe longer cuz even if the mailing service is bad...its still there and it works, might take a while but hey itll get there evntually...if u are worried about the pone bill getting too high get phone cards so that you know it wont be on ut bill, i have roommates that get pissed off when new hampshire shows up on the phone bill so if the phone is a problem then phone cards are a friend to a long distance relationship...also if ur worried that everythings just gonna fall apart send a video of urself instead of letter use a camcorder and talk into that or a voice recorder...there kinda neat to use a a letter instead of paper cuz the other person can look into ur eyes and see ur not lieing...so that might help...im just giving you sugggestions , i hope everything works out for the best for you!

[MaGz]

well me and my boyfriend jay live 12 states away from eachother and beleave me with our work scheduals and school and our family were lucky if we get 5 mins a week to talk

 

so i know what u r going through, the best way to show him you love him is to tell him. i mean be persistant about it make a deal put aside 15 mins a night to just write a letter maybe longer cuz even if the mailing service is bad...its still there and it works, might take a while but hey itll get there evntually...if u are worried about the pone bill getting too high get phone cards so that you know it wont be on ut bill, i have roommates that get pissed off when new hampshire shows up on the phone bill so if the phone is a problem then phone cards are a friend to a long distance relationship...also if ur worried that everythings just gonna fall apart send a video of urself instead of letter use a camcorder and talk into that or a voice recorder...there kinda neat to use a a letter instead of paper cuz the other person can look into ur eyes and see ur not lieing...so that might help...im just giving you sugggestions , i hope everything works out for the best for you!

I have been dating a guy for almost 3 years now. He left this saturday to go to Mexico to Study abroad for school. He is very smart and intellectual, and is the type of guy I want to marry. I am confused as to what will happen between us. Recently he heard from a "friend" of mine that I was dating another guy. I am not, I do, however, have guy friends that I go out with becuase I miss beign around guys...I do not have any kind of sexual relatoinship with these guys, however. Anyways, I feel like he is going to give up on me because of this rumor. I told him that it is not true, that I only have eyes for him. I am falling in love with this guy, I don't want to lose him over something as stupid as this. I will not get to talk to him very often, and email and writing letters is limited because of the poor mailing systam in Mexico. Does anyone have advice as to how to go about this relationship wiht him, how to make it work, and how to show him that I love him without gettign to see him but about 5 times a year, for a couple weeks at a time? THanks so much.

[Laurynn]

I don't understand.

 

You say you've been dating him for 3 years now........but that you're "falling in love with him." Geez, I'd expect that you'd have fallen in love with him a long time before now??? Why has it taken you so long to fall in love with him?

 

Where will he be down in Mexico? Is he taking a laptop with him? Will he have regular computer access? If so, and unless he's in some really remote part of the country, I don't think there should be a problem with emailing back and forth on a regular basis....though I don't know the whole situation, of course.

 

If it's taken you 3 years to start falling in love with him (??), and you're only going to see him a handful of times a year, do you think this is something you want to definitely pursue?

 

How does he feel?

 

Have you spoken with him since this rumor about you dating other guys started going around?

 

Is he wanting to maintain a long distance relationship?

 

Laurynn

[Meg]

Well, let me explain to you since you don't understand. We have dated for almost 3 years, we have taken it very slow. Love is not something you can put a time definition on, and I am highly offended that you would insinuate something like this. We are best friends, and I am trying to decide if this is they guy I would like to marry, and of course, I need to be in love with him first. We have millions of things in common, and have grown on eachother, and do not believe that being "in love" is an issue. What is an issue is how we show our feelings for eachother, the respect for eachother, and nothing to do with putting a name on this relationship. Yes, I love him, I care for him, I am craxy about him. Thanks for your response, however, I hope you have a better explanation now. Thank you, I do not mean to offend you.

 

I don't understand. You say you've been dating him for 3 years now........but that you're "falling in love with him." Geez, I'd expect that you'd have fallen in love with him a long time before now??? Why has it taken you so long to fall in love with him? Where will he be down in Mexico? Is he taking a laptop with him? Will he have regular computer access? If so, and unless he's in some really remote part of the country, I don't think there should be a problem with emailing back and forth on a regular basis....though I don't know the whole situation, of course. If it's taken you 3 years to start falling in love with him (??), and you're only going to see him a handful of times a year, do you think this is something you want to definitely pursue?

 

How does he feel? Have you spoken with him since this rumor about you dating other guys started going around?

 

Is he wanting to maintain a long distance relationship? Laurynn

[Laurynn]

Sorry, I can understand dating someone for 3 years and only after *this* amount of time, beginning to fall in love with them. I realize fully that there's no 'time limit' on when two people should fall in love......but 3 yrs just makes no sense to me. I've been in love 5 times in my life (all long term relationships), and even if I'd wanted to take longer to fall in love, I couldn't. Oh well, it's none of my business and I'm not judging you.....was just curious.

[Tony T]

Love is a highly individual thing. Theoretically, though, love that blossoms a little at a time with realistic expectations over a long period has a far stronger base and a far better chance of lasting than other love or love/lust situations that occur more quickly.

 

Love that grows over time has more of a root of friendship and reason in it, which almost assures a longevity that will be sadly lacking in other more chemically based love relationships. I think love that takes it's time to grow is far better rooted, far more mature, and far healthier.

 

Now, I'm not demeaning others who take much less time. You can't help your feelings. They just happen. People fall in love for more reasons than there are stars in the sky.

 

It would be my best feeling, however, that two people who begin slowly, as friends, and discover each other without a chemical cloud that blinds them to negative aspects of the other have a much better chance of experiencing a love that will be more satisfying over a longer period of time...and love that has far better chances of lasting forever.

 

Frankly, I think it's pretty romantic to think of a love that continues to grow stronger over a very long period of time than one that begins more quickly and peters out. It has taken this couple three years to get to this point. Hell, some people are married and divorced in far less a span of time.

 

The other element that may play in here is the great possibility that these two were very much in love long before now. Many feelings that may have been repressed out of fear or other reasons could be coming up real quick now because of the imminent separation.

 

There's an anonymous quote I remember: "Love knows not its own depth, except in the hour of separation." Self explanatory.

 

I think this couple has a sufficient base to be able to pull off this separation thing, although it will still be difficult. There will have to be personal contact, as often as practical. Email, after a while, can get pretty dull. To prevent that, it ought to be kept to every three or four days, rather than daily. Email and phone converations that engage in meaningful exchanges of feelings and information will be far better for them than bantering back and forth about the weather, how the dog is, etc.

 

I am solidly behind any couple that takes so much time to build a real and true love. (Quickies aren't so bad either)

 

I always loved the pudding you cook on the stove for a while far more than the instant stuff that just jells when you add water. And I HATE instant potatoes.

 

But there are many who love those things.

[Meg]

Thank you so much, TOny. You have exemplified a mature person who knows how to deal with people, and have a true worthwhile insight to how others feel, including yourself. I respect you for voicing your opinion, especially becuase I agree strongly. Thank you for your support. Your definitly someone I look forward to reading their response to things....

 

thanks again

Love is a highly individual thing. Theoretically, though, love that blossoms a little at a time with realistic expectations over a long period has a far stronger base and a far better chance of lasting than other love or love/lust situations that occur more quickly. Love that grows over time has more of a root of friendship and reason in it, which almost assures a longevity that will be sadly lacking in other more chemically based love relationships. I think love that takes it's time to grow is far better rooted, far more mature, and far healthier. Now, I'm not demeaning others who take much less time. You can't help your feelings. They just happen. People fall in love for more reasons than there are stars in the sky. It would be my best feeling, however, that two people who begin slowly, as friends, and discover each other without a chemical cloud that blinds them to negative aspects of the other have a much better chance of experiencing a love that will be more satisfying over a longer period of time...and love that has far better chances of lasting forever.

 

Frankly, I think it's pretty romantic to think of a love that continues to grow stronger over a very long period of time than one that begins more quickly and peters out. It has taken this couple three years to get to this point. Hell, some people are married and divorced in far less a span of time. The other element that may play in here is the great possibility that these two were very much in love long before now. Many feelings that may have been repressed out of fear or other reasons could be coming up real quick now because of the imminent separation. There's an anonymous quote I remember: "Love knows not its own depth, except in the hour of separation." Self explanatory. I think this couple has a sufficient base to be able to pull off this separation thing, although it will still be difficult. There will have to be personal contact, as often as practical. Email, after a while, can get pretty dull. To prevent that, it ought to be kept to every three or four days, rather than daily. Email and phone converations that engage in meaningful exchanges of feelings and information will be far better for them than bantering back and forth about the weather, how the dog is, etc. I am solidly behind any couple that takes so much time to build a real and true love. (Quickies aren't so bad either) I always loved the pudding you cook on the stove for a while far more than the instant stuff that just jells when you add water. And I HATE instant potatoes. But there are many who love those things.

 

[Laurynn]

What you just wrote to Tony:

 

"You have exemplified a mature person who knows how to deal with people.."

 

I guess by this, you're implying that you don't think I'm a mature person who knows how to deal with people. What, simply because I asked a sincere question?

 

I'm not going to apologize for the fact that I sincerely don't understand how two people can "date" (that to me, denotes being more than just 2 friends hanging out) for 3 years and only after 3 years, one "starts to fall in love."

 

If you'd said you'd been friends for 3 years, spent some time together, then realized now that you were falling in love, I could understand that......but when I think of dating, like most people do, that indicates much more.

 

If you'll notice too, in my original response to you, in addition to asking for clarification, I did give you more advice and asked you other questions.

 

Frankly, I'm not sure how anyone here can help you make a decision about this long distance relationship. That's a decision you're going to have to make. You are the only one who knows your feelings, your boyfriend's feelings, how feasible a long distance relationship is, what goals you have as individuals and as a couple, etc. Nobody here can tell you what you should or shouldn't do.

 

Laurynn

[Meg]

Laurynn

 

I am sorry if I offended you by commending Tony. I was simply saying that his way of putting things was mature, however, this is only my opinion, it should not affect you. I am not asking for advice on major decisions to make: such as if I should pursue this relationship, I am asking how I can go about a long distance relationship. I know that I want to be with this guy, I really do. We have been dating for 3 years, for 2 of those, we have been at different colleges. Perhaps that is why I am just now realizing I am in love with him: becuase i spent an abundant amount of time with him over Christmas break. THank you, sorry to offend you.

What you just wrote to Tony: "You have exemplified a mature person who knows how to deal with people.." I guess by this, you're implying that you don't think I'm a mature person who knows how to deal with people. What, simply because I asked a sincere question? I'm not going to apologize for the fact that I sincerely don't understand how two people can "date" (that to me, denotes being more than just 2 friends hanging out) for 3 years and only after 3 years, one "starts to fall in love." If you'd said you'd been friends for 3 years, spent some time together, then realized now that you were falling in love, I could understand that......but when I think of dating, like most people do, that indicates much more. If you'll notice too, in my original response to you, in addition to asking for clarification, I did give you more advice and asked you other questions. Frankly, I'm not sure how anyone here can help you make a decision about this long distance relationship. That's a decision you're going to have to make. You are the only one who knows your feelings, your boyfriend's feelings, how feasible a long distance relationship is, what goals you have as individuals and as a couple, etc. Nobody here can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Laurynn