Blackmail??

[jlola]

This is sick. it's too bad his wife doesn't know so she could boot his Narcissistic ass out the door.

 

LD,

 

Do you get the same feeling I get looking at these post? It seems many OW who are in long term affairs are dealing with Personality disordered MM. Either narcissist or sociopaths, or at least ones who have huge narcissistic traits. It's uncanny the selfish behaviors of these men that can be seen from a mile away by most. But are excused and ignored by OW because MM makes them feel good sometimes since he can throw in romance and compliments. The OW eat that up since they need the validation and these men know exactly how to manipulate.

 

Amazing how the MM/OW will go no contact when OW has had enough. Then crazy MM will call or text to lure them back in. This is called "The Hoover",like a vacuum they suck you right back in.

 

The OW think it is because of love. Few understand the MM needs the supply, the ego boost, the romance, the need to know they can get you back anytime. The women play along. Sometimes for years. They do not understand they are not seeing the "real man". They are seeing who he wants them to see. They are hearing HIS version of ho his wife is.

 

To actually get one of these men to leave the wife would be the beginning of the end for them. To end up with this crazy-making man is not a positve.These stories are all the same.

[legalgirl]

Ok I'm confused, why would he tell his wife? Maybe I need to read older posts so it makes sense.

[ladydesigner]

LD,

 

Do you get the same feeling I get looking at these post? It seems many OW who are in long term affairs are dealing with Personality disordered MM. Either narcissist or sociopaths, or at least ones who have huge narcissistic traits. It's uncanny the selfish behaviors of these men that can be seen from a mile away by most. But are excused and ignored by OW because MM makes them feel good sometimes since he can throw in romance and compliments. The OW eat that up since they need the validation and these men know exactly how to manipulate.

 

Amazing how the MM/OW will go no contact when OW has had enough. Then crazy MM will call or text to lure them back in. This is called "The Hoover",like a vacuum they suck you right back in.

 

The OW think it is because of love. Few understand the MM needs the supply, the ego boost, the romance, the need to know they can get you back anytime. The women play along. Sometimes for years. They do not understand they are not seeing the "real man". They are seeing who he wants them to see. They are hearing HIS version of ho his wife is.

 

To actually get one of these men to leave the wife would be the beginning of the end for them. To end up with this crazy-making man is not a positve.These stories are all the same.

 

Thank you. Great post jlola!

 

Hey if any OW want a real glimpse into most of the BS (not blind spouse ) most of these MM are made of read this post ^^^ again and again and save it. I am M to one of these men and it is crazy-making at it's finest. Now that I know what it is I can navigate my M better. Should my WH need his supply again I already have my ducks in a row. Oh yeah and my heart is still guarded even though he's my WH. He is finally recognizing who he is in IC and it's not pretty. His childhood was awful and abusive and it made him who he is. Now he has to unlearn all of those behaviors.

[jlola]

Thank you. Great post jlola!

 

Hey if any OW want a real glimpse into most of the BS (not blind spouse ) most of these MM are made of read this post ^^^ again and again and save it. I am M to one of these men and it is crazy-making at it's finest. Now that I know what it is I can navigate my M better. Should my WH need his supply again I already have my ducks in a row. Oh yeah and my heart is still guarded even though he's my WH. He is finally recognizing who he is in IC and it's not pretty. His childhood was awful and abusive and it made him who he is. Now he has to unlearn all of those behaviors.

 

I hope your husband is a success story. Funny how these men gravitate towards kind women who have tons of patience and empathy. They know just who to pick ,that will stay beyond the stage where the mask comes off. Good luck!

[ladydesigner]

I hope your husband is a success story. Funny how these men gravitate towards kind women who have tons of patience and empathy. They know just who to pick ,that will stay beyond the stage where the mask comes off. Good luck!

 

Thanks I'm gonna need it

[rae_lana]

That's all this is. He just wants to know I'm on the hook and willing.

Feels like my hearts been ripped out and I would rather be angry right now than sad.

[Goodbye]

What's his goal?? Seems like it keeps changing.

 

 

Who CARES what is goal really is. Just stay firm in your own response...but somehow I think this advice is just falling on deaf ears as his dirty texting and blackmail threats just get you all juiced up.

[imperfectangel]

It's easy to be angry and your pain is harder to process but you have to come through it

My mm enjoys the push/pull too I went nc which was going well until the weekend just ignore him like he ignores you keep busy, exercise and try to eat well if you have a bad just ride it out, post here, google anything you can think of just don't reach out to him

 

Let his wife deal with his **** you're free to find a real man you just have to heal first

 

Now I need to take my own advice

[whichwayisup]

I'm trying to end my affair. I am doing good in my own eyes because I haven't contacted him, other than to respond and ask him to stop texting but he has acted as if I haven't asked him this at all.

He sent me a pretty dirty message this morning and I sent one back that said, we have to keep this clean.. I have never said anything like that to him before, I usually just play right along with his game so he probably does feel rejected, which isn't very fair considering his hot and cold behaviour this last few months has left me feeling so rejected and it didn't seem to bother him, so he sent me a message saying "it's not over, or I'll tell her."

 

I read that and almost threw up.. Within five minutes he wrote back "lol, Im just playing. Hit me up when you miss me."

 

This is far from over. You are reacting and playing right into his hands! He knows it and you know it. It's pathetic now. He isn't in love with you and you two have this sick unhealthy dynamic happening.

 

You're physically getting sick from this now too. STOP. JUST STOP. The only way out IS to confess it all to your husband.

[threelaurels]

You need to back away from him completely for your own safety. This type of man has what I call "murder-suicide syndrome". He cannot handle rejection at all, and he will drag you down with him just to get back at you for rejecting him.

 

He may very well confess to his wife or tell your husband just to hurt you and "make you be with him". He cannot handle the loss of control. He will do whatever it takes to feel in control again, regardless of how irrational it is.

[bentleychic]

so he sent me a message saying "it's not over, or I'll tell her."

 

I would have called his bluff. "No worries, I'm calling her right now."

 

But you already said you won't do that so you won't call his bluff, either. This douche bag needs the rug pulled out from under his smug arse toot sweet.

[The Way I Am]

Do you actually want him to quit messaging you or are you enjoying it? If he leaves you alone, will you actually be relieved or will you turn around and start chasing him?

 

From your whole backstory, I think the people here claiming this is typical MM manipulating OW are wrong. Because you've been manipulating him so you can have your cake and eat it too just as much as he is manipulating you -- if not more so.

 

I think you both have the same motivations in that you want the comfort of your marriages but want to hold onto the mutual bond over your shared disfunction which you both mistake as love. You won't leave your marriage though, because you do on some levels recognize the disfunction isn't sustainable long-term. (Also, I think you might not be as into the open-relationship idea as you've lead him and us to believe.)

 

I'm actually not sure whether he has that same grasp of reality. He might not be bluffing about telling his wife. He's been the one to suggest getting divorced and being together. You're the one who waffles. And he's certainly been behaving in ways that seem like he wants to get caught.

 

I think you need to realistically start considering the possibility that you might have to tell your H if you want out of the affair.

Edited September 24, 2013 by The Way I Am

[bentleychic]

Neither the OP or her MM strike me as the "normal" OW/MM on these boards. There's only one other here that seems similar to me and I actually almost mixed them up when reading the other one's thread a few days ago.

[rae_lana]

Do you actually want him to quit messaging you or are you enjoying it? If he leaves you alone, will you actually be relieved or will you turn around and start chasing him?

 

From your whole backstory, I think the people here claiming this is typical MM manipulating OW are wrong. Because you've been manipulating him so you can have your cake and eat it too just as much as he is manipulating you -- if not more so.

 

I think you both have the same motivations in that you want the comfort of your marriages but want to hold onto the mutual bond over your shared disfunction which you both mistake as love. You won't leave your marriage though, because you do on some levels recognize the disfunction isn't sustainable long-term. (Also, I think you might not be as into the open-relationship idea as you've lead him and us to believe.)

 

I'm actually not sure whether he has that same grasp of reality. He might not be bluffing about telling his wife. He's been the one to suggest getting divorced and being together. You're the one who waffles. And he's certainly been behaving in ways that seem like he wants to get caught.

 

I think you need to realistically start considering the possibility that you might have to tell your H if you want out of the affair.

 

I've never cheated before and would never again. I thought this would be light hearted fun when it started I had no idea obviously.. I just want it to be over my body is falling apart, I'm sick from this, the stress is way to much to deal with and I just want it to be over.

[BetrayedH]

I just want it to be over my body is falling apart, I'm sick from this, the stress is way to much to deal with and I just want it to be over.

 

So what are you going to do to change the scenario? It's apparent that relying on him to end the affair isn't going to work.

[The Way I Am]

If you keep contacting him even to ask him to stop, you feed his hope that the affair will keep going.

 

If you turn off your phone and ignore him, he might stop. People will usually get the point when you stop contacting them. That will send the message that the affair is truly over.

 

But he's behaving really erratically, so I can't say for sure that when that message gets through, he won't tell his wife and your husband.

 

You could send him a final message that even if he tells, you still don't want to be with him. But there's no guarantee he won't still tell out of anger and spite. You can't control his actions.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see any options other than continuing the affair to keep him quiet (which is a sh*tty option) or risking him exposing it. If you really do want it to stop, you can't do that without the risk.

 

I suggest you stop responding to him and start mentally preparing yourself for what you're going to do if/when his wife and your husband find out, because it's a strong possibility.

Edited September 24, 2013 by The Way I Am

[ladydesigner]

I've never cheated before and would never again. I thought this would be light hearted fun when it started I had no idea obviously.. I just want it to be over my body is falling apart, I'm sick from this, the stress is way to much to deal with and I just want it to be over.

 

This is exactly how I felt during my own A. A's are not fun. When I look back there was nothing fun about secretly texting and seeing each other knowing that my WH could find out. I have to admit I felt awful during my A. Nothing about it now in hindsight I can even see as fun. It was total destruction to myself and to my family. Not to mention the entire A is dysfunctional.

 

Sweetie is there a way for you to take a break by yourself to regain some composure and stabilize your health? Maybe you can work with an IC and a MC to help you disclose your A in a healthy way. Just some thoughts because it seems as though you are at a dead end.

[cif]

Rae, men are like that.. ignoring them is the greatest aphrodisiac. Ever notice how if you give your H the silent treatment he starts following you around?

 

Just respond to his normal convo and ignore the rest. He will get the hint if you don't bite. Make him understand that you're ready to reveal everything, but don't of course. This will scare the little coward away.

 

 

Btw blackmail or not isn't he starting to disgust you? The more he shows his true self?

[rae_lana]

Rae, men are like that.. ignoring them is the greatest aphrodisiac. Ever notice how if you give your H the silent treatment he starts following you around?

 

Just respond to his normal convo and ignore the rest. He will get the hint if you don't bite. Make him understand that you're ready to reveal everything, but don't of course. This will scare the little coward away.

 

 

Btw blackmail or not isn't he starting to disgust you? The more he shows his true self?

 

That's exactly what I plan to do. Because I really can't block his number, I am told all the time to send a number to him, or ask him for a time. We share jokes, we're friends. But I need him to just be my friends husband right now, not my friend. It would be noticeable if I deleted his number.

I can though tell her I'm laying low for a while, I do have a lot going on. I just need a little space to figure myself out.

I should be disgusted in him ya but I'm not, if I'm around him I feel like a teenage girl all love drunk. I can ignore though, I have all day and its gotten easier. I do not think he will tell her, but I also know he doesn't think I really want to end it.

[Lillyfree]

one thing that's glaringly obvious to me from your multiple posts, and i apologise if this has been mentioned before - is how little he respects you. put aside the whole situation being a huge mess of dysfunction and disrespect - let's concentrate of how he views you. why aren't you angry?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Call his bluff the next time he threatens to tell his wife. Say, thanks for the warning, I need to tell BH, it will be better coming from me. This will be hard but I think it's time. Hang up and watch him lose his mind! I can't even imagine what his wife goes through, he's a manipulative jerk, there is NOTHING authentic about this man! You've picked one heck of a loser to ruin your marriage over.

 

You've bought into this," we're both seriously flawed star crossed lovers who can only understand each other". Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy if you ask me, because if you weren't before you certainly will be.

 

Where does this end?

[MissBee]

I'm trying to end my affair. I am doing good in my own eyes because I haven't contacted him, other than to respond and ask him to stop texting but he has acted as if I haven't asked him this at all.

He sent me a pretty dirty message this morning and I sent one back that said, we have to keep this clean.. I have never said anything like that to him before, I usually just play right along with his game so he probably does feel rejected, which isn't very fair considering his hot and cold behaviour this last few months has left me feeling so rejected and it didn't seem to bother him, so he sent me a message saying "it's not over, or I'll tell her."

 

I read that and almost threw up.. Within five minutes he wrote back "lol, Im just playing. Hit me up when you miss me."

 

Can you block this man's number?

 

If you can you really should.

[rae_lana]

His wife is one of my closest friends and he's my husbands friend. It's not just as simple as telling them, or telling him to go ahead and tell, the second the words come out of our mouths our lives change forever.

 

No my husband would not for one second consider reconciliation. That's not a maybe.

We saw each other this morning, couldn't be avoided because of where we live, and he was pleasant and is doing such a good job of remaining unaffected. At least he looks calm and collected. I probably do to other people too buy my husband thinks I'm going crazy, it's a stressful time for us with work so it's been blamed on that. I feel like if I can go a month without talking about this to him it'll be a huge relief and we can all just move forward.

Edited September 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ladydesigner]

His wife is one of my closest friends and he's my husbands friend. It's not just as simple as telling them, or telling him to go ahead and tell, the second the words come out of our mouths our lives change forever.

 

No my husband would not for one second consider reconciliation. That's not a maybe.

We saw each other this morning, couldn't be avoided because of where we live, and he was pleasant and is doing such a good job of remaining unaffected. At least he looks calm and collected. I probably do to other people too buy my husband thinks I'm going crazy, it's a stressful time for us with work so it's been blamed on that. I feel like if I can go a month without talking about this to him it'll be a huge relief and we can all just move forward.

 

I really would like to know how you all move forward knowing you have betrayed your closest friend? You can go on with yourself knowing this? I won't even mention your BS.

 

That is not a good friend and I think you know this, you are trying to convince yourself that this situation can be repaired. It is already irreparable.

[writergal]

His wife is one of my closest friends and he's my husbands friend. It's not just as simple as telling them, or telling him to go ahead and tell, the second the words come out of our mouths our lives change forever.

 

No my husband would not for one second consider reconciliation. That's not a maybe.

We saw each other this morning, couldn't be avoided because of where we live, and he was pleasant and is doing such a good job of remaining unaffected. At least he looks calm and collected. I probably do to other people too buy my husband thinks I'm going crazy, it's a stressful time for us with work so it's been blamed on that. I feel like if I can go a month without talking about this to him it'll be a huge relief and we can all just move forward.

 

Um, your life changed forever when you betrayed your husband, children, and friend by starting an affair with her husband. So keeping this whole thing a secret is moot.

 

You're not doing anyone a favor by staying silent. I'll reiterate what ladydesigner said in her post above; how can you live with yourself; carrying on in a loveless marriage, and a friendship with a woman you betrayed? How can you respect yourself if you do?

 

I think you're all out of excuses and justifications at this point. Either come clean, or keep it a secret but know that either choice you still lose. There's no winner in this scenario. Not even you.