Blackmail??

[rae_lana]

That's how Dday is likely going to happen, as an offshoot of this. You can just about set your watch to it...

 

Maybe that's good. I just want this to be over.

[Trimmer]

He's read specifically this thread. He told me it was t blackmail it was just a joke, he didn't realize how hard I was taking things.

There are some things that are so serious, you just don't do them. In a marriage, once you throw the word "divorce" out on the table, the marriage is never the same again.

 

I call complete and total BS on his assertion that it was "just a joke." You know very well that at the time he was confused and grasping at straws. Do you really believe that at that time, he was in the mood - and believed you were in the mood - for a "joke" about setting off a nuclear bomb in your lives? I don't think so. You should be insulted that he thinks you're such an idiot that you'd believe that.

 

He doesn't care anyway. Says its nothing shocking and that this confirms why we can't tell anyone how we feel because they wouldn't understand.

 

I asked if he only read this thread or others, only this one and still thinks we could be ok if we just take a break. He says this is no more than an online journal and I shouldn't let people get into my head. But he's agreed to give me 30 days.

It chilled me to read these statements. I recently watched a trailer for a documentary called "Chosen" detailing, in part, how a young woman from the Pacific Northwest was chosen, stalked, and essentially groomed to be sold (literally) into the sex trade. Over a long period of time, she established a relationship with this older man, who gradually separated her from her family, and had her to the point where she was almost ready to get on an airplane, before she confided what she was doing - still not realizing just what was happening herself - to a friend, who called the police and broke the chain. She didn't believe what they told her until they showed her the Emails that set her price at something like $40k upon "delivery."

 

The chilling thing is that one of the main tools these guys used was isolation and separation: gradually, over time, they convinced this girl to separate herself from her family and pull back from her social ties to the degree that it became emotionally harder - and eventually impossible - for her to reach out and break through those walls of isolation.

 

I'm not saying your OM is a sex trader, but "we can't tell anyone... they will never understand us..." is a classic isolation tactic. Whether conscious and intentional or just a naturally manipulative part of his personality, he is maneuvering you into believing there is nothing and nobody in the world for you, other than him. And indeed, the deeper you have gone, the further you have participated in this affair, the farther you have become isolated - haven't you? - from the people in your life who should be on your side: your husband and your "best friend." Isolated to the point that you can't even imagine reaching out to them any more, it would seem so damaging now.

 

Like it or not, he has used this technique on you - you were damaged and vulnerable, and now he is making sure you know that you are "in it" so deep that there isn't a way out. "Just joking" statements like the one above do a very good job of reinforcing that - look at your alarmed reaction to it. It sure had a big impact, didn't it?

 

These are the techniques of abusers, manipulators, and sex traders. They give you drugs, sex, validation, understanding - whatever it is that seems to temporarily soothe your broken psyche, and once you are hooked and so far down the rabbit hole that you can't see a way out, they have you in a position where they can extract what they want from you. Open your eyes and see this dynamic for what it is.

 

Having said all that, I want to be clear that I still believe you are responsible for your choices - you can't duck out of this by believing you were simply manipulated. You walked this path of your own choice, but that means you also have the power to walk out.

Edited September 26, 2013 by Trimmer

[The Way I Am]

Rae, "we can't tell anyone, because they would never understand" is bullsh*t. Like you two are the only people in the world who were sexually abused. You're not even the only ones on this thread. Some of us don't see any of the things you've said as bizarre or foreign concepts that we "don't understand". We understand them far more than you realize. We've been in a similar place and done the work to get off a self-destructive path and that's why we can recognize a lot of the things you say and do as symptoms of your abuse even when you don't see it yet.

 

I do commend you for the progress that you've made. And I think taking 30 days to get your head straight is at least a good initial step. I hope that you'll go to IC and possibly MC in that time. Most importantly an IC who specializes in recovering from childhood sexual abuse. At the very least, buy some books about CSA. (I know you have previously said something to the effect that you weren't a child when it happened, but you were, if I recall correctly not even a teenager or barely a teen, and still not developed into an adult. So you did have sexual abuse in your childhood.)

 

For your sake, I hope that OM actually means it when he says that he'll respect your wishes and give you space. Someone who really cared about you would do at least that.

 

Once you have some time away from the emotional turmoil of the situation and some therapy, you can decide who and what is healthy in your life. (ETA: That includes your husband. I'm not entirely convinced he's a healthy influence . Maybe he's a sometimes-frustrated good guy who is a blessing or maybe he's still harmful but abusive in less severe ways. I don't have enough info on him or your relationship to make any conclusions on him -- just a few worrisome details you've provided. Whether he's good for you or not is something you should sort out in IC and/or MC.)

Edited September 26, 2013 by The Way I Am

[keesy14]

He doesn't care anyway. Says its nothing shocking and that this confirms why we can't tell anyone how we feel because they wouldn't understand.

 

I asked if he only read this thread or others, only this one and still thinks we could be ok if we just take a break. He says this is no more than an online journal and I shouldn't let people get into my head. But he's agreed to give me 30 days.

 

I feel a weight lifted even if I did open a can of works. My side is laid out I could never speak these things outlook as easily as I can write them. So there. If this exposes things eventually, so be it.

 

I didn't know what else to do,

 

It seems like you both get off the you and me against the world mentality.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I can't believe you sent him here. So when you need support and don't want him in your business what will you have as an option? He knows he's treating you like dirt, he knows how you feel, he just doesn't care! You are a game to him. You both love drama. He's not as emotionally embroiled as you think he is. This was a big mistake. And yes, people understand just fine what's going on. You are the one that's missing it.

[whichwayisup]

At least I wouldn't be thrown under the bus. The truth is here regardless.

 

Your side of the truth yes. And you shouldn't focus on whether or not you'll be thrown under the bus. If your H reads this thread, and maybe he should, at least HE'LL know your truth and where you're head is at. No way can you deny anything or minimize to protect yourself and throw your MM under the bus.

 

Each of you (MM and you) are responsible for this. Equally responsible.

[whichwayisup]

Why was it a bad idea? I have nothing to hide from him anymore and at least this way he knows how I feel without me having to sit and talk to him for 5 hours.

 

God rae! The loyalty you are showing him! WHY? Wish you'd have the same loyalty to your own husband. You explain yourself to him over and over again, play this cat and mouse game, then claim 'nobody will understand us, we're cut from the same cloth' line!

[cif]

OMM read this thread but hasn't posted anything. Some people get off on being called manipulators.

 

Rae, do whatever it takes for you to move on from this POS. I have been against you telling your H but really maybe you should consider it... and BS (your BFF). It's scary that this man is in your lives.

 

ETA: Show them how he won't stop contacting you, tell them that he relentlessly pursued you, etc.

Edited September 26, 2013 by cif

[rae_lana]

I'm not worried about telling him about this site. I feel a weight lifted off. He knew I was talking to someone about it so I told him I was writing here, told him the worst things I had to say and said go see for yourself if you want so he did.

We are not going to continue this, we are lucky this didn't blow up and we both need individual counselling.

He didn't seem to have any interest in reading my older posts only this one.

 

He needed to know this wasn't simple for me and it isn't fun. He does now.

[rae_lana]

OMM read this thread but hasn't posted anything. Some people get off on being called manipulators.

 

Rae, do whatever it takes for you to move on from this POS. I have been against you telling your H but really maybe you should consider it... and BS (your BFF). It's scary that this man is in your lives.

 

ETA: Show them how he won't stop contacting you, tell them that he relentlessly pursued you, etc.

 

I'd be very surprised if he put his two cents in. He doesn't seem to be very bothered by what people said but he said he never meant to make me feel this way.

I cannot text him or message him anymore because no matter what that's still an emotional affair. At least now he gets that.

[whichwayisup]

I'd be very surprised if he put his two cents in. He doesn't seem to be very bothered by what people said but he said he never meant to make me feel this way.

I cannot text him or message him anymore because no matter what that's still an emotional affair. At least now he gets that.

 

Well if he is reading, then hopefully he will leave you alone and YOU both can stay away from one another, focus on your own spouses for once.

[The Way I Am]

You will be limited on what you feel comfortable saying on this site now. It makes it harder, maybe impossible, for you to get support from this place. And you do lose your outlet for when you want to contact him. Because you know that he could be reading any of it, this site is now another means of communication with him.

 

It's a bummer for us who care about what happens to you and want to offer you support. But you can find other support systems. So if the decision to tell him about this place gets him to back off and give you the space to seek therapy and possibly even real-life support groups, then that could be the right decision for you. Just make sure you find that new support system.

[crederer]

hahah tell his wife? What the hell kind of issue would that be for you? That's like a partner threatening to kill themselves after the break up.

 

Jesus, I wonder why his marriage is failing.....

[Lillyfree]

You will be limited on what you feel comfortable saying on this site now. It makes it harder, maybe impossible, for you to get support from this place. And you do lose your outlet for when you want to contact him. Because you know that he could be reading any of it, this site is now another means of communication with him.

 

exactly. and that was the purpose of OP telling him about it.

 

she might just not be the little girl lost she makes out to be...

[CarrieT]

I didn't know what else to do,

This is an abject lie.

 

You can tell his wife and you can tell your husband.

 

THAT is what will absolve you and end this completely. You are just choosing to ignore all of the advice that has been given over-and-over-and-over...

[stillafool]

Rae lana you might want to take a page from this lady's book. She has handled her affair the correct way.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/426582-he-knows-about-my-affair-but-hasn-t-said-anything-update-disclosed

[writergal]

This is an abject lie.

 

You can tell his wife and you can tell your husband.

 

THAT is what will absolve you and end this completely. You are just choosing to ignore all of the advice that has been given over-and-over-and-over...

 

Agreed. The OP just wants to sweep her affair under the rug and not deal with it.

 

I'm disappointed that the OP hasn't garnered anything useful from all 14 of her threads and the hundreds of posts from posters who've given her helpful feedback, great advice, and well-deserved criticism.

 

Like the idiom says:"you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

[stillafool]

It is quite clear the OM of Rae Lana is a narcissist.

 

I wonder if he is aware of his narcissism.

 

I wonder if he realizes that the consensus on the forum is that OM is a highly undesirable man. This may actually be quite useful for the OM.

 

I wouldn't say so since Rae Lana completely desires him even more than her husband. Rae Lana and OM are both narcissists and are extremely needy for attention regardless of who it hurts.

[rae_lana]

5 days of low contact..we still see each other almost everyday, and yes, we all four spent all day and last night together.

 

He's respecting my wishes and hasn't sent me anything our spouses wouldn't be able to see.. That's good, but I still crave his attention, how long until that goes away?? I miss his face. I miss so much. We were alone twice yesterday for about ten minutes at a time, and again nothing was said or done that couldn't have been in front of them.. But I have so many things I want to say.

 

In good news I've been reconnecting with my husband, convincing him to stay home more and doing things just as a family instead of with other people.. It's only been 5 days.... It feels like its been weeks.

[underwater2010]

5 days of low contact..we still see each other almost everyday, and yes, we all four spent all day and last night together.

 

He's respecting my wishes and hasn't sent me anything our spouses wouldn't be able to see.. That's good, but I still crave his attention, how long until that goes away?? I miss his face. I miss so much. We were alone twice yesterday for about ten minutes at a time, and again nothing was said or done that couldn't have been in front of them.. But I have so many things I want to say.

 

In good news I've been reconnecting with my husband, convincing him to stay home more and doing things just as a family instead of with other people.. It's only been 5 days.... It feels like its been weeks.

Its a step in the right direction for you. I still have a major fear for you of everything blowing up in your face.

[AutumnMoon]

This is a game Lana.

 

 

The mating game!

 

What do you consider the mating game? I'm curious. the push and pull and back and forth?

[AutumnMoon]

5 days of low contact..we still see each other almost everyday, and yes, we all four spent all day and last night together.

 

He's respecting my wishes and hasn't sent me anything our spouses wouldn't be able to see.. That's good, but I still crave his attention, how long until that goes away?? I miss his face. I miss so much. We were alone twice yesterday for about ten minutes at a time, and again nothing was said or done that couldn't have been in front of them.. But I have so many things I want to say.

 

In good news I've been reconnecting with my husband, convincing him to stay home more and doing things just as a family instead of with other people.. It's only been 5 days.... It feels like its been weeks.

 

You are not going to get over him if you see him every day. 'Missing' him could very well last forever if you see him so often.

[whichwayisup]

5 days of low contact..we still see each other almost everyday, and yes, we all four spent all day and last night together.

 

He's respecting my wishes and hasn't sent me anything our spouses wouldn't be able to see.. That's good, but I still crave his attention, how long until that goes away?? I miss his face. I miss so much. We were alone twice yesterday for about ten minutes at a time, and again nothing was said or done that couldn't have been in front of them.. But I have so many things I want to say.

 

In good news I've been reconnecting with my husband, convincing him to stay home more and doing things just as a family instead of with other people.. It's only been 5 days.... It feels like its been weeks.

 

??!! yet the italics show otherwise? LC yet you see and speak to him, hang out with him ALL day and last night? How can you 'reconnect' with your H and then expect to 'disconnect' with MM if you two are together so much?

 

God, don't say ANYTHING! Stop creating drama and reaction. There is nothing left to say. PERIOD.

 

How long till it goes away? It won't because you're obsessed with him and how he makes you feel. He's your drug and he IS messing you up.

 

It'll all stop when you hit rock bottom. Aka, when your spouses find out that an affair has taken place right under their noses.

[stillafool]

Oh leave her alone everyone. She has no intention of ever stopping contact with OM. Again, she just wants to report here because she has no friends. The OM is the only excitement in her life. I just can't wait for her husband and his wife to find out the truth of what has been going on right under their noses.

[rae_lana]

Oh leave her alone everyone. She has no intention of ever stopping contact with OM. Again, she just wants to report here because she has no friends. The OM is the only excitement in her life. I just can't wait for her husband and his wife to find out the truth of what has been going on right under their noses.

 

I do have friends but none that I would burden with this information.

 

Some how I'm so much worse than any other woman here because I'm friends with his wife. I do get why it's seen that way.

I've known them both the same length of time, I didn't befriend her to steal her husband or get information to use against her.

 

I obviously have horrible boundary issues and I made a huge mistake confusing his understanding and friendship for love. I screwed up. I'm selfish and have been a terrible person but I'm doing my best to fix it, while I guess still being selfish because no.. I don't want to confess or go no contact.

 

Neither does he.

 

I can take some harsh comments, it's not like I don't deserve them.