Blackmail??

[bentleychic]

Oh leave her alone everyone. She has no intention of ever stopping contact with OM. Again, she just wants to report here because she has no friends. The OM is the only excitement in her life. I just can't wait for her husband and his wife to find out the truth of what has been going on right under their noses.

I was actually thinking it's more like her way of letting him know that she misses him, etc. and telling him what she won't in text since she knows he can read here. Just an assumption on my part, though.

[CarrieT]

I'm selfish and have been a terrible person but I'm doing my best to fix it, while I guess still being selfish because no.. I don't want to confess or go no contact.

Please don't say you are doing your best when you KNOW you are not.

 

You are doing the easiest, cop-out route you can take.

 

We would all like to think you are better than this, but by not fessing up to your husband and his wife, you ARE being selfish and are NOT doing your best.

 

And you know this...

[whichwayisup]

I obviously have horrible boundary issues and I made a huge mistake confusing his understanding and friendship for love. I screwed up. I'm selfish and have been a terrible person but I'm doing my best to fix it, while I guess still being selfish because no.. I don't want to confess or go no contact.

So then the other option is, to be found out and have a DDay. It will happen, sooner or later.

 

You're not a terrible person, the situation you've put yourself in IS and the choices you've made obviously are ones that can harm innocent people. You're caught up in your own feelings and obsession with MM.

 

The thing is, what real changes do you want to do? What is it that you striving for? To continue in the A and do as you please, or are you truly looking to better yourself, make honest and clear decisions so you can live a lie and affair free life with your H?

 

Saying you're fixing and doing the fixing are two different things. Change is continual, not just when you feel like. Change is HARD and A LOT of work, and changing your behavour and habits will hurt but it'll be worth it IF you can be hard on yourself and make "you" totally accountable for your actions and choices. No more blaming MM.

[Quiet Storm]

I do have friends but none that I would burden with this information.

 

Some how I'm so much worse than any other woman here because I'm friends with his wife. I do get why it's seen that way.

I've known them both the same length of time, I didn't befriend her to steal her husband or get information to use against her.

 

I obviously have horrible boundary issues and I made a huge mistake confusing his understanding and friendship for love. I screwed up. I'm selfish and have been a terrible person but I'm doing my best to fix it, while I guess still being selfish because no.. I don't want to confess or go no contact.

 

Neither does he.

 

I can take some harsh comments, it's not like I don't deserve them.

 

 

What's so frustrating about you is that you recognize your issues, you constantly talk about your boundary problems, lying, rough childhood, being selfish- but you have no motivation to change. My sister, who is Borderline PD, is the same way. She says how she wants to be a better person, she keeps doing the same stuff, then says "I screwed up", "I'm selfish and an awful person." It's a cycle of a burst of motivation & seriousness, followed by a slip, admitting you effed up, saying how awful you are, feeling sorry for yourself, getting bored with life, repeat.

 

You make excuses for yourself. You idealize your connection to MM because you both had rough childhoods... you understand each other. Yeah, you understand you both are going to eff up. You both don't trust. You both play games, with others and each other. You both hurt those you claim to love. You both lie to your "friends". Such a wonderful bond you two have.

 

You seem to relish the toxicity of this. You bask in your effedup-ness.

 

"I know I'm a 5h!tty person, so why even try? I'm selfish. I'll hurt people. I lie."

 

You are too accepting of your issues. If you continue like this, you will eventually end up losing everyone that loves you. You can stop the cycle.

 

You need help. You need to be honest with a counselor so that they can really help you.

Edited October 1, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[2sure]

I don't think most infidelity or affairs have degrees of wrongness , so to me your affair with your sisters husband or your neighbors cousins husband are both just as wrong. There are always extenuating circumstances that make each betrayal a special kind of hell.

 

But none of it makes you worse really, unless you are the OW in my life . And there isn't one, so....

 

Don't you get the idea that this is completely unhealthy for you? So unhealthy that you may be coming off the rails ? I know you enjoy some parts of it, but that's a requirement of self harm or we would never be drawn to it.

 

Never mind for a moment what your doing to everyone else. Use ome common sense and say to yourself....this is F'd up. I may be at rock bottom. Perhaps I should stop digging?

[The Way I Am]

Rae, have you started to do anything to work on yourself? Books, support groups, etc?

[rae_lana]

He doesn't read this site, he read this specific thread because I told him he should.

I wasn't trying to contact him through here, I would just text him if I wanted to talk.

I'm trying to get into a counsellor but its not the easiest thing in the world, my husband thinks its a waste of time and pointless and I can't exactly explain how important it is unless I want to confess so we are waiting until this busy time with work is done so I can go.

 

OM has texted saying, if you want me to choose I would choose you, is that what you want?

 

Obviously yes, deep down its what I want but there is no possible way to end that in a civil way, it would be an explosion, so it's really not an option.

[cif]

He doesn't read this site, he read this specific thread because I told him he should.

I wasn't trying to contact him through here, I would just text him if I wanted to talk.

I'm trying to get into a counsellor but its not the easiest thing in the world, my husband thinks its a waste of time and pointless and I can't exactly explain how important it is unless I want to confess so we are waiting until this busy time with work is done so I can go.

 

OM has texted saying, if you want me to choose I would choose you, is that what you want?

 

Obviously yes, deep down its what I want but there is no possible way to end that in a civil way, it would be an explosion, so it's really not an option.

 

How does he plan on making that happen?

[stillafool]

 

I'm trying to get into a counsellor but its not the easiest thing in the world,

my husband thinks its a waste of time and pointless and I can't exactly explain

how important it is unless I want to confess so we are waiting until this busy

time with work is done so I can go.

 

Why are you not allowed to seek counseling? It is very easy to see one.

 

OM has texted saying, if you want me to choose I would choose you, is that what

you want?

 

Why are you not blocking him from contact?

[rae_lana]

How does he plan on making that happen?

 

He wants us to tell them while we are all together, he wants us to say we have feelings for each other and want to open the marriages up (would NEVER happen) or he wants to divorce and be together. He wants to tell them at the same time and he thinks we can say it without confessing to the affair.. I don't buy that will work at all and it makes me feel sick.. Both of them would go crazy and rightfully so.

 

If I could be with him .. That's what I want, but it would be a huge mess for my kids and for my husband and friend and just not something that I could bring myself to do to them..

[CarrieT]

Rae, but he is talking about telling them. You could preemptively fix what is becoming a nightmare scenario by telling our husband FIRST.

 

Open marriage?

 

Ultimate fail!

[rae_lana]

 

 

 

Why are you not allowed to seek counseling? It is very easy to see one.

 

 

 

Why are you not blocking him from contact?

 

No it's not very easy to see someone.. The closest place to see someone is an hour away, I'm from a small farming community.. It's not as simple as booking and going the next day.

 

I haven't blocked him because it would be noticed by our spouses immediately and yes, because I feel like I'm in love with the guy, it's not that easy to cut him off.. I love him more than I love my husband. It's hard to say it but its true.

 

I have not contacted him at all in a week. Even to reply. EXCEPT for one occasion a few days ago where his wife said text him to let him know she was going to be late.

[rae_lana]

Rae, but he is talking about telling them. You could preemptively fix what is becoming a nightmare scenario by telling our husband FIRST.

 

Open marriage?

 

Ultimate fail!

 

There would be no chance of reconciliation for my marriage. I know people will say I don't know that, but I do. The timeline of this is unforgivable and I know my husband.

Both of us know his wife would be very very very upset, but we think she would eventually forgive him but of course she wouldn't forgive me, although he thinks she would.. She wouldn't.. And she would never agree to open marriage he's asked her over and over and I'm her best friend! It's just insane to think that would be possible although its what both me and him ultimately want. It's not an option. He says he wants to be with both of us, but me over her.

 

I wish none of this had never happened.

[rae_lana]

Rae, but he is talking about telling them. You could preemptively fix what is becoming a nightmare scenario by telling our husband FIRST.

 

Open marriage?

 

Ultimate fail!

 

He won't tell anyone anything unless I say I'm ready too. Not unless he was angry with me or something because he knows I wouldn't forgive that and he wants to be with me .. He says so anyway. I don't believe he will go behind my back and confess.

[cif]

He wants us to tell them while we are all together, he wants us to say we have feelings for each other and want to open the marriages up (would NEVER happen) or he wants to divorce and be together. He wants to tell them at the same time and he thinks we can say it without confessing to the affair.. I don't buy that will work at all and it makes me feel sick.. Both of them would go crazy and rightfully so.

 

If I could be with him .. That's what I want, but it would be a huge mess for my kids and for my husband and friend and just not something that I could bring myself to do to them..

 

OK. If he wants to divorce to be with you and you want the same I suggest you wait a month to think this over because there is no going back. The open marriage thing is something you should both discuss privately with your spouses in case they refuse, which it sounds from your posting they would, that way you can play it of as a joke.

 

You have way more to lose in this scenario if things don't work out.

[The Way I Am]

OK. If he wants to divorce to be with you and you want the same I suggest you wait a month to think this over because there is no going back.

 

Rae doesn't want to leave her marriage.

[rae_lana]

Rae doesn't want to leave her marriage.

 

I don't want to leave my marriage because it would make life a lot harder on my kids. If the affair is exposed I will 100 percent be getting a divorce thought, I would not reconcile and neither would my husband even want too.