Blackmail??

[rae_lana]

Um, your life changed forever when you betrayed your husband, children, and friend by starting an affair with her husband. So keeping this whole thing a secret is moot.

 

You're not doing anyone a favor by staying silent. I'll reiterate what ladydesigner said in her post above; how can you live with yourself; carrying on in a loveless marriage, and a friendship with a woman you betrayed? How can you respect yourself if you do?

 

I think you're all out of excuses and justifications at this point. Either come clean, or keep it a secret but know that either choice you still lose. There's no winner in this scenario. Not even you.

 

Our lives are going on as normal. I can live with myself, I don't have much choice. This might be the worst thing I ever did but its far from the biggest or worst secret I've kept.

Not everyone is the same.

[writergal]

Our lives are going on as normal. I can live with myself, I don't have much choice. This might be the worst thing I ever did but its far from the biggest or worst secret I've kept.

Not everyone is the same.

 

Now that's just a convenient excuse. You always have a choice. The choice you've chosen is the wrong choice because it's selfish and will hurt innocent people.

[ladydesigner]

Our lives are going on as normal. I can live with myself, I don't have much choice. This might be the worst thing I ever did but its far from the biggest or worst secret I've kept.

Not everyone is the same.

 

And ...*rugswept* poof!

[stillafool]

I should be disgusted in him ya but I'm not, if I'm around him I feel like a teenage girl all love drunk.

 

This is why OP will not and has no intentions of blocking him. This is why she will never confess to this mans wife (not her best friend because a friend would never deceive another friend this way) or her husband. OP is as manipulative as her AP. They need to be together and let these two other decent people (OP husband and the OMs wife) move on to people who are worthy of their love and friendship. I pray they find out about his affair soon.

[Hazyhead]

Rae-lana, I don't get at all what you see in this guy, but I suppose that's the magic of the manipulator. If I'm completely honest, this all reminds me of the stories I hear daily working with teenagers. He seems especially childish, but you're letting yourself be sucked in to it too.

[Trimmer]

Nothing's happened with it, it's a busy time for work right now and I'm an hour away from the city, so I can't get an appointment for at least another 30 days.

I asked that he not contact me for at least 30 days on Saturday so I could start to think straight but so far the longest he's went is 12 hours or so.

There is nothing about this situation that is going to stand still for 30 days until you can get yourself some real, professional help.

 

You need to back away from him completely for your own safety. This type of man has what I call "murder-suicide syndrome". He cannot handle rejection at all, and he will drag you down with him just to get back at you for rejecting him.

I think that men in these cases often revert to a "control or destroy" instinct - if they can't control it, they fear it and the fear drives them to anger and the result is that - whether metaphorically or literally - they are driven to destroy it.

 

I've never cheated before and would never again.

You do realize that you have no credibility in saying that, right? If you had truly learned from this experience (which would be necessary to say "I'll never do it again...") then you would be cleaning it up and making some kind of forward progress toward recovery, healing, and growth right now. Instead you remain stuck in a whirlpool of dysfunction, convincing yourself that if you just clamp your hands over your eyes, everything will go back to normal.

 

That doesn't sound like someone who can claim they've learned from the experience and it can never happen again.

 

His wife is one of my closest friends and he's my husbands friend. It's not just as simple as telling them, or telling him to go ahead and tell, the second the words come out of our mouths our lives change forever.

As others have pointed out, your lives changed forever when you executed the betrayal. You insist on clinging to the vision that everything can go back to normal if everyone would just sit down and shut up! And part of that fantasy is that you believe that the damage hasn't been done yet, and that you can sacrificially take all the damage upon yourself, like a martyr, to just stuff it down alongside all your existing stuff, and everyone else can go on with their "normal" lives unchanged.

 

You may or may not ever come to accept this, but it's truth may be forced upon you eventually anyway: everyone's life has already been changed by what you've done. It's already in motion. You may have some choices along the way as to how you handle your part of it, but there is no "back to normal."

 

...my husband thinks I'm going crazy, it's a stressful time for us with work so it's been blamed on that. I feel like if I can go a month without talking about this to him it'll be a huge relief and we can all just move forward.

This is a disease, but you are hoping that it is like a cold, or a virus that you can fight off with quiet rest and enough time. Some diseases, though, once they take hold, just continue to march forward on their path of destruction, no matter how hard you ignore them.

Edited September 25, 2013 by Trimmer
fixed grammar

[rae_lana]

Ok so.. This guy just showed up at my house to talk to me.. I was ignoring his messages and he said we needed to talk.

 

I think there is no way to properly explain how we feel about each other, this isn't just about sex and it wasn't about humiliating our spouses. I know exactly how he feels when he says he tells people his thoughts and they think he's sick and damaged so he hides those thoughts. I feel the same way.

 

I have no idea how to make him understand how I've been feeling.

 

So I told him about this site, even told him my username. He left about half hour ago. I'm guessing he's reading a lot right now. I didn't know what else to do. I asked him not to message me for now.

[ladydesigner]

Ok so.. This guy just showed up at my house to talk to me.. I was ignoring his messages and he said we needed to talk.

 

I think there is no way to properly explain how we feel about each other, this isn't just about sex and it wasn't about humiliating our spouses. I know exactly how he feels when he says he tells people his thoughts and they think he's sick and damaged so he hides those thoughts. I feel the same way.

 

I have no idea how to make him understand how I've been feeling.

 

So I told him about this site, even told him my username. He left about half hour ago. I'm guessing he's reading a lot right now. I didn't know what else to do. I asked him not to message me for now.

 

 

He is not respecting you. If you asked for space he needs to get the hint. It doesn't matter how to make him understand how you are feeling. You feel what you feel. You remind me of a feather in the wind just taking you in whatever direction pulls you. Why don't you start taking charge of your own life?

[rae_lana]

He is not respecting you. If you asked for space he needs to get the hint. It doesn't matter how to make him understand how you are feeling. You feel what you feel. You remind me of a feather in the wind just taking you in whatever direction pulls you. Why don't you start taking charge of your own life?

 

That's what I'm trying to do.

[ladydesigner]

That's what I'm trying to do.

 

Okay well that's a good start. I really advise talking to an IC about this situation as you have been given really great advice from so many at LS.

[LilGirlandOW]

Why was it a bad idea? I have nothing to hide from him anymore and at least this way he knows how I feel without me having to sit and talk to him for 5 hours.

 

I dont think its the worst idea in the world if the BS or MM came here to hear another side of the A. May give the BS insight reading posters reflections of how MM/MW is behaving. Flip side could give MM/MW insight how their cake eating is effecting the AP.

 

I've heard of posters here where another part of the A dynamic knows of LS.

[rae_lana]

Considering what you've said about him and yourself as well as some of the harsh and private things you've told about him here, I think it could get very volatile if this indeed true and he comes here to read it all, considering how you've portrayed his personality.

 

Ya for sure I thought about that, except that I didn't lie about anything he's said or done, I've only said what's happened and how it made me feel and I told him 90 percent of it on the weekend anyway so it won't surprise him.

All he wanted to know is if I said his name and since I didn't he said he didn't care. Neither if our spouses are likely to stumble on to it.

I just wanted him to know this was making me feel out of control.

 

I get I may have made him sound bad but I'm no better than he is. He knows I think that.

[writergal]

Considering what you've said about him and yourself as well as some of the harsh and private things you've told about him here, I think it could get very volatile if this indeed true and he comes here to read it all, considering how you've portrayed his personality.

 

Esp for the posters in the OP's multiple threads, if her MM doesn't like what he reads.

[bentleychic]

Exactly! (not enough letters)

[rae_lana]

Esp for the posters in the OP's multiple threads, if her MM doesn't like what he reads.

 

He's not going to be surprised at the advice I was given.

[writergal]

He's not going to be surprised at the advice I was given.

 

I'm just curious as to why you want to avoid talking to your MM face to face again if he already knows everything that you've posted about here.

 

If you want to sweep the affair under the rug (ie. not come clean about it) and hope in a month's time that he will reform and leave you alone, then good luck to you. Just know that eventually you and MM will be discovered and it will wreak havoc on yours and your MM's family.

[HopingAgain]

Rae, I think you know that your spouses are about to find out, right? All of this is getting waaaaay too complicated what with you now telling MM to come here and read your threads and etc. etc. Dday is right around the corner for you guys so I suggest you start getting your ducks in a row right now before the crap hits the fan.

 

There is no telling what your BSs are going to do WHEN they find out, so be careful.

[rae_lana]

I'm just curious as to why you want to avoid talking to your MM face to face again if he already knows everything that you've posted about here.

 

If you want to sweep the affair under the rug (ie. not come clean about it) and hope in a month's time that he will reform and leave you alone, then good luck to you. Just know that eventually you and MM will be discovered and it will wreak havoc on yours and your MM's family.

 

I did tell him this face to face, but it would take hours to go over all this. Every angel. Being alone together that long is not only not an option it's probably the worst thing I could do if I do want to fall back into obsessing over him..

We are both obsessing over each other. We recognize that.

 

He's read specifically this thread. He told me it was t blackmail it was just a joke, he didn't realize how hard I was taking things.

[writergal]

Or direct your husband to LS and ask him to read all of your threads? Might as well, if you're directing your MM to LS. Whose to say your friend won't find out and read the threads too.

 

Can of worms now opened?

[rae_lana]

Or direct your husband to LS and ask him to read all of your threads? Might as well, if you're directing your MM to LS. Whose to say your friend won't find out and read the threads too.

 

Can of worms now opened?

 

At least I wouldn't be thrown under the bus. The truth is here regardless.

[HopingAgain]

I did tell him this face to face, but it would take hours to go over all this. Every angel. Being alone together that long is not only not an option it's probably the worst thing I could do if I do want to fall back into obsessing over him..

We are both obsessing over each other. We recognize that.

 

He's read specifically this thread. He told me it was t blackmail it was just a joke, he didn't realize how hard I was taking things.

 

Rae, that was more manipulation. Now that he KNOWS you are being advised on how to deal with this, he is going to change his tactics. Just you watch....

[rae_lana]

He doesn't care anyway. Says its nothing shocking and that this confirms why we can't tell anyone how we feel because they wouldn't understand.

 

I asked if he only read this thread or others, only this one and still thinks we could be ok if we just take a break. He says this is no more than an online journal and I shouldn't let people get into my head. But he's agreed to give me 30 days.

 

I feel a weight lifted even if I did open a can of works. My side is laid out I could never speak these things outlook as easily as I can write them. So there. If this exposes things eventually, so be it.

 

I didn't know what else to do,

[HopingAgain]

Or direct your husband to LS and ask him to read all of your threads? Might as well, if you're directing your MM to LS. Whose to say your friend won't find out and read the threads too.

 

Can of worms now opened?

 

That's how Dday is likely going to happen, as an offshoot of this. You can just about set your watch to it...

[HopingAgain]

He doesn't care anyway. Says its nothing shocking and that this confirms why we can't tell anyone how we feel because they wouldn't understand.

 

I asked if he only read this thread or others, only this one and still thinks we could be ok if we just take a break. He says this is no more than an online journal and I shouldn't let people get into my head. But he's agreed to give me 30 days.

 

I feel a weight lifted even if I did open a can of works. My side is laid out I could never speak these things outlook as easily as I can write them. So there. If this exposes things eventually, so be it.

 

I didn't know what else to do,

 

Classic Manipulation. This guy is good.

[rae_lana]

I know I may seem impossible. But thanks very much to anyone who has given me advice, harsh or not. I have no one to talk to and I really think the people here helped stop me from going crazy over the last few months.