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Dying. But this was the right thing, right?

cat

By cat,
in The Other Man / Woman

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cat

cat

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I posted last week about how my xMM came up to me at a work location and we got into a stupid conversation about us and about him going back to his wife, and it made me want to vomit. He texted me the next day and I ignored and deleted them both. I was very proud of myself and was actually feeling pretty good after 8 days NC.

 

I had to go to the same work site today and guess who's standing outside when I get there... the very first person I see.

Him: "Hello, Ms. _____". How are you? (he doens't normally call me that, that was a term of endearment to use my last name).

Me: (I DID NOT stop walking. i was practically sprinting.) "Hello. (long pause). How are you?"

Him: "Congratulations on your trip this weekend!!"

Me: "Thanks. It was good."

 

ANd then he saw the back of my head. I thought that was a pretty clear message that we weren't going to be chatting. So I holed up in a back conference room and shut the door. But just a little bit ago he came in and said "So, can I hear about your trip?" and I looked at him for a long time and then I just said "No. I can't do it. I can't be your friend, not right now. It's just too hard. I just can't do it." We exchanged a couple other sentences along the same lines and he said "Well, I guess you have to do what you have to do." And he left.

 

I feel like I'm going to die. Was that the right thing? I know it was. No good can come from us being friends. There's nothing I want to share with him about my personal life that doesn't feel really invasive. Right now I still love him, and I started crying when he left. It pisses me off that he even thinks we could be normal friends, like it's just OK that he hurt me so badly, that I"m just over it and going to be nice.

 

But if I had, at least I would have known I'd be seeing him again. URGH.

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happyme

happyme

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Your actions were admirable. Perfect even. I hope for you that you can keep the actions up.. in this manner.. while working on the inside... on seeing not only with your brain/intellect that this could never work, for so many, many reasons.... but also with your heart. Keep up the good work!!!!! xxxx

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imfine

imfine

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You did good. Now back to NC. As far as his thoughts, he wants to keep you on the line and has no interest in "friendship". I'd tell him to cut the petty BS or you'll ask his wife and HR take care of it.

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cat

cat

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He thinks of me as a kind and compassionate person and I just figured that in his mind, if I were willing to be nice to him, that means he really isn't such an a-hole.

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imfine

imfine

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He's the good guy that took one for the team (his family) by going back and walked away being friends with the OW. Why he might as well get a gold star! These dooshes are so delusional they believe their own crap. You never have to worry about him thinking he's an A-hole. Worry about YOU. Somebody has to.

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cat

cat

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Very slow perhaps.

 

Because this thought JUST occurred to me: if he had good boundaries, or if he were serious about rebuilding his marriage into something healthy, or serious about being honest with his wife, he wouldn't want anything to do with me! He would be the one telling me that we couldn't be friends. I am sure he has not told her that he has seen me at all, let alone told me that he loves me and misses me. Isn't cutting off contact with the AP STEP NUMERO UNO of reconciliation???

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Goodbye

Goodbye

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Very slow perhaps.

 

Because this thought JUST occurred to me: if he had good boundaries, or if he were serious about rebuilding his marriage into something healthy, or serious about being honest with his wife, he wouldn't want anything to do with me! He would be the one telling me that we couldn't be friends. I am sure he has not told her that he has seen me at all, let alone told me that he loves me and misses me. Isn't cutting off contact with the AP STEP NUMERO UNO of reconciliation???

 

 

Unless he is only aiming for a "faux reconciliation" as in...W thinks it is over, he cuts back on interaction with AP, but keeps just a toe in the A water so he can plunge back in when the time is right.

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cat

cat

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Unless he is only aiming for a "faux reconciliation" as in...W thinks it is over, he cuts back on interaction with AP, but keeps just a toe in the A water so he can plunge back in when the time is right.

 

Right... but that makes him... A LIAR.

 

Told you I was slow :)

 

I have been reluctant to pin that label on him since he did move out and separate from his wife so we could be together. Nothing happened while he was living with her. But he has cheated before, plus he lied to her about me while they were trying to separate, and lied to his family, and I am 100% positive he has not told her about the extent of our relationship nor about times we have seen each other since he went back.

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tiernan

tiernan

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Very slow perhaps.

 

Because this thought JUST occurred to me: if he had good boundaries, or if he were serious about rebuilding his marriage into something healthy, or serious about being honest with his wife, he wouldn't want anything to do with me! He would be the one telling me that we couldn't be friends. I am sure he has not told her that he has seen me at all, let alone told me that he loves me and misses me. Isn't cutting off contact with the AP STEP NUMERO UNO of reconciliation???

 

Yes, there is no way they can rebuild the marriage if you are still in the picture. But it is their problem. And rather BS's problem. How long she will take it. It is a horrible emotional mess to stay in marriage after A. And not so many survive. Stay strong Cat.

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ladydesigner

ladydesigner

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Right... but that makes him... A LIAR.

 

Told you I was slow :)

 

I have been reluctant to pin that label on him since he did move out and separate from his wife so we could be together. Nothing happened while he was living with her. But he has cheated before, plus he lied to her about me while they were trying to separate, and lied to his family, and I am 100% positive he has not told her about the extent of our relationship nor about times we have seen each other since he went back.

 

They never do. I had to catch my WH with spy devices it was ridiculous. I finally had to leave and file to get away from the situation. We are currently in R, but I am just not sure 100% that our M will make it. There is no more trust. And you are right he is a LIAR and you are not slow you just didn't want to see his mask slip ;). It works the same with us BS's we see our WH's mask slip on DDay.

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