Is there ever a "good time" to leave?

[JaelBlue]

I have finally stopped arguing with myself about if I should leave. However, I am now going around in my head about when it should happen.

 

Is there ever a good or right time? How prepared do I need to be? I think I am ready and then I start wondering if I should wait until my son graduate. Or I am able to save more money. Or I get a second job. Or my oldest gets his own place. Or...insert any of a hundred excuses.

 

What should I realistically have in place in order to go?

 

Another can of worms, my 18 & 19 year old sons are acting like 10 year olds about this. I have always had this crazy idea that if I waited until they were older it would be easier. Now they assure me that I am ruining their lives. Sigh...

[JJLA]

A good time to leave is when you have exhausted all possibility of reconciliation and separation is final in your head. Staying in place for the kids, for economic reasons, or for convenience harms you in the long run as it delays your post-separation life. You only have so many years on this planet, don't squander them. If you are worried about finances, most jurisdictions have temporary support orders to keep you afloat until the divorce is final. No one should be trapped in a bad marriage simply because they can't afford to leave.

 

As for your kids, they will adjust. Even adults have a hard time dealing with a parent's divorce. Just remember, divorce ends a marriage, not a family.

[Balzac]

Surely you're aware that your sons are of an age to make their own choices as living arrangements. Make your plans and allow them the freedom to make their choice. Don't buy into the idea that you are ruining their lives. That's just not any part of " your divorce".

[wired55]

I have been wondering the same thing as described in the thread I started yesterday. I also know now that it's not "if" but "when". My son is at the opposite end of the spectrum, only 18 months, and I think the more I wait, the older he'll get and the harder it will be. But, as you mentioned a lot of excuses, I always have the same. A lot of those are events that are already planned, I have a hard time canceling them and the embarrassment that comes along with doing so. So, I don't think there is ever a great time.

[JaelBlue]

A good time to leave is when you have exhausted all possibility of reconciliation and separation is final in your head. Staying in place for the kids, for economic reasons, or for convenience harms you in the long run as it delays your post-separation life. You only have so many years on this planet, don't squander them. If you are worried about finances, most jurisdictions have temporary support orders to keep you afloat until the divorce is final. No one should be trapped in a bad marriage simply because they can't afford to leave.

 

As for your kids, they will adjust. Even adults have a hard time dealing with a parent's divorce. Just remember, divorce ends a marriage, not a family.

 

This is all excellent advice, thank you. I do feel like I've squandered my best years. I guess its time to at least take control of what's left.

 

I will be alright financially as long as he doesn't go after my assets which I don't think will happen. However, by reading these boards I have learned that divorce brings out the very worst of people. We'll see...

[JaelBlue]

Balzac, thank you for the reminder. It's good to have the simple things confirmed by others.

 

Wired, I completely understand. Planned events are in my list too. There is always going to be something. I guess it's kind of like jumping into cold water. You just have to take a deep breath and do it. This much I know for sure, the younger your son is when you make the move, the better it will be for him.

 

Jael

[keepontruckin]

I'll let you know how my wife left, which was quite the effective process...

 

Find a job. Wait until it ensures regular full time hours, or not.

Get a credit card. The one I paid off was cut up long ago, so another credit card is a must for "building credit" and the likes.

Be artificially friendly around your husband, while planning your escape.

Discuss no marriage related issues. Remember, everything will soon be fine, once you can finally get out of this hell known as marriage.

 

Now, here is the important part...

 

You have to set up a justifiable excuse for leaving the marriage. This will ease your guilt, and allow you to proceed.

 

What my wife did, was instigate a fight after I had some drinks. We hadn't fought once in five years, but she knew that if I was bombarded with nagging after a few drinks, I may tell her to leave. And I did. I told her to get out if things are that bad. And no, I didn't hit her.

 

So, she left, and never came back. Had me served with the divorce papers.

 

This is how you have to time it. You have to create a situation, where one doesn't exist. This way, family and friends can be rest assured that you have left an awful relationship from hell, out of pure necessity...

 

It's quite simple, really... Get bored, want out, create situation, ease guilt, serve papers, move on to another lover. Or in many cases, continue on with current affair...

[candie13]

You know what moment is the best to leave? That moment when you've realized that it's over, accepted and started thinking of an exit plan. Not a moment later. I am not the one talking to you about leaving your wife and run away. By all means, fight all your battles.

 

But if there is no hope of reconciliation, every minute you spend stuck in that situation is a minute of your life you are wasting stuck, miserable. Your sons are old enough to handle it, they are adults at 18. They should support you and think about you, not about how your decision impacts them. That is purely selfish.

 

Think about yourself and what's best for you. Everybody else obviously is. If you ask me when is the best moment to leave, my answer to you is not yesterday, it's NOW.

[JaelBlue]

I'll let you know how my wife left, which was quite the effective process...

 

Find a job. Wait until it ensures regular full time hours, or not.

Get a credit card. The one I paid off was cut up long ago, so another credit card is a must for "building credit" and the likes.

Be artificially friendly around your husband, while planning your escape.

Discuss no marriage related issues. Remember, everything will soon be fine, once you can finally get out of this hell known as marriage.

 

Now, here is the important part...

 

You have to set up a justifiable excuse for leaving the marriage. This will ease your guilt, and allow you to proceed.

 

What my wife did, was instigate a fight after I had some drinks. We hadn't fought once in five years, but she knew that if I was bombarded with nagging after a few drinks, I may tell her to leave. And I did. I told her to get out if things are that bad. And no, I didn't hit her.

 

So, she left, and never came back. Had me served with the divorce papers.

 

This is how you have to time it. You have to create a situation, where one doesn't exist. This way, family and friends can be rest assured that you have left an awful relationship from hell, out of pure necessity...

 

It's quite simple, really... Get bored, want out, create situation, ease guilt, serve papers, move on to another lover. Or in many cases, continue on with current affair...

 

 

Wow. I'm sorry you went through that. You sound very hurt and I feel for you. However, not all women who leave do so because they are bored or cheating. My husband has been emotionally and verbally abusing me for years. No, not just name calling and looking-for-an-excuse type of behavior. He has also been lying, hiding things and admitted he doesn't want to be married but won't divorce me.

 

Everyone loves him and I don't intend to try to change that. In fact, I recently announced that I was leaving and lost much of my support. I had to leave my church and stop running the food pantry. The friends who still talk to me do so to try to save me from my wayward path. I do not defend myself or tell them anything bad about him. I just want peace and to be safe.

 

I came here looking for support through the most difficult time of my life from those who have been there. I am not looking for justification or a way to "ease my guilt."

[JaelBlue]

You know what moment is the best to leave? That moment when you've realized that it's over, accepted and started thinking of an exit plan. Not a moment later. I am not the one talking to you about leaving your wife and run away. By all means, fight all your battles.

 

But if there is no hope of reconciliation, every minute you spend stuck in that situation is a minute of your life you are wasting stuck, miserable. Your sons are old enough to handle it, they are adults at 18. They should support you and think about you, not about how your decision impacts them. That is purely selfish.

 

Think about yourself and what's best for you. Everybody else obviously is. If you ask me when is the best moment to leave, my answer to you is not yesterday, it's NOW.

 

Thank you Candie, I appreciate your support. I really need it.

[JaelBlue]

It's quite simple, really... Get bored, want out, create situation, ease guilt, serve papers, move on to another lover. Or in many cases, continue on with current affair...

 

Also, I want to be very clear...I have not ever had an affair and I am not looking for another man. I have had several opportunities to cheat and have always walked away. Moving on is not something I take lightly.

[carhill]

Around here, spring seems a pretty common time to 'leave'. Obligations from holidays are over, things seem more energizing as winter departs and people are moving around more, particularly in the social interaction/dating realm. More houses are on the market for sale or rent. The school year is winding down for the kids. Etc, Etc.

 

IMO, if any 'preparation' is done, it would be to secure more potential income, like with a different/second job prospect. If the goal is divorce and one lives in a community property state and doesn't wish to illegally hide money/assets from their spouse and the court during a divorce action, I think it's more profitable to focus on income potential than savings, as savings prior to filing get the community property treatment.

 

Lastly, IMO, the younger one is, the more opportunities for a speedier and healthier recovery, so 'when' might be predicated upon that, meaning, if one is 'older' like myself, don't wait around. Life is short. Good luck.

[GuyInLimbo]

As I've learned the past year "there's always something" that comes up.

 

Also, how and what do your kids know? Have you been confiding in them about leaving your H? I'm somewhat confused. And how exactly are you ruining their lives?

[littlejaz]

I would advise that you speak with an attorney - they can give you guidance on how to prepare based on your financial situation. They will also give you an idea of how the settlement might go. IMO valuable information in making your decision when to leave. I know that sounds harsh but financial reality can be even harsher when it slaps you in the face.

[JaelBlue]

Also, how and what do your kids know? Have you been confiding in them about leaving your H? I'm somewhat confused. And how exactly are you ruining their lives?

 

Sorry, I'll try to be more clear. When I spoke to my husband about leaving the boys were not home and were not supposed to be for several hours. He flew into one of his rages and they came in unexpectedly in the middle of it. They heard some of what was happening and after things calmed down asked me about it. I told them we would be separating in the near future but I was not sure when.

 

The younger one's complaints include not want to be a kid from "one of those" families (meaning broken). And that he would have to deal with two Christmases.

 

The older one says that if I leave they will have to deal with their father being even more pissed off than usual and I won't be there to step in and "handle" him.

[JaelBlue]

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. Carhill, that is an excellent idea about earning potential versus savings.

 

Now that things are moving forward things are even more difficult than I thought they would be.