Affairs are designed to end marriages

[ladydesigner]

Typically I believe all A's are designed to end M's, which then brings me to my most important question. Why are WS's so surprised when the BS wants a D? Why are they so surprised they would be kicked out once BS found out about the A? It boggles my mind because you would think if the M was THAT important, the WS would have this fear before embarking on the A. I also think this is what confuses single OW/OM that are letdown on DDay.

[imfine]

I think this is common for women, but not men. The women I have known that cheated did so when they had already checked out of their marriage so divorce was not a concern. The men I know that have cheated were cake eaters that only divorced when caught. I'm with you, why the shock when kicked out?

[Goodbye]

I'm also amazed at the number of WS who don't get kicked out.

[Got it]

Typically I believe all A's are designed to end M's, which then brings me to my most important question. Why are WS's so surprised when the BS wants a D? Why are they so surprised they would be kicked out once BS found out about the A? It boggles my mind because you would think if the M was THAT important, the WS would have this fear before embarking on the A. I also think this is what confuses single OW/OM that are letdown on DDay.

 

Because not all WS want to end the marriage. Why on earth would you think As are designed to end Ms? For the WS it is about having both, not about having to chose.

[MissBee]

Typically I believe all A's are designed to end M's, which then brings me to my most important question. Why are WS's so surprised when the BS wants a D? Why are they so surprised they would be kicked out once BS found out about the A? It boggles my mind because you would think if the M was THAT important, the WS would have this fear before embarking on the A. I also think this is what confuses single OW/OM that are letdown on DDay.

 

Many people who get into affairs aren't getting into it as a genuine exit where they're done with their marriage. That's the truth. Most believe that they can have it both ways and just go with the flow and think that if no one finds out they can simply have an A and be married and all is well and they're not hurting anyone. It's really the same kind of process that happens with other risks we take esp in the name of enjoyment. You simply assume and believe that you won't get caught or you downplay the possibility of negative repercussions....until you're slapped in the face with them, then that belief comes crashing down and you're knee-deep in shyt so start scrambling and coming to your senses about the REAL consequences of your actions. That's why many WSs end up behaving surprised/frantic when the A is discovered and another person besides them has a say in what happens now. They didn't really think they'd get caught and whatever shortsighted, foggy beliefs they had about how they were hurting no one or no one would know or that it would end in some kind of pleasant way comes crashing down....

[TigerCub]

I don't think As are gone into with the thought of 'this will end the marriage'

I think many (especially men) see it as something that will add to their life.

 

In the words of Fabolous

"Cause the entree ain't as good without somethin on the side"

It's a line from a song about an affair. (Can't let you go)

 

I'm not saying it's true, or that it is something to live by, but I do believe that a lot of people that get into affair situations are just doing it to fill the gaps that are missing. If they wanted to end the marriage, they'd get a divorce.

 

They don't - so they cheat and hope that magically no one will get hurt and everything will just work itself out.

[JamesM]

Oddly, many affairs are simply a cry for help. The person (and it applies to both men and women) feels so frustrated with the state of the marriage that he or she feels an affair will cause the other person to "wake up" and realize the seriousness of the problems. The affair is the symptom of a bad marriage and not the problem. It BECOMES the problem and hence the real problem doesn't get solved unless each person is willing to dig deeper than the problem of the affair.

 

The below link lists eight kinds of affairs. It is important that you identify which type you have if you desire a solution.

8 Types Of Affairs

 

1. The accidental affair

2. The cry for help affair.

3. The self medication affair

4. The Don Juan affair

5. The tripod affair

6. The retaliatory affair

7. The exploratory affair

8. The exit affair.

 

Not all are designed to end the marriage. Interesting info.

[RedRobin]

Oddly, many affairs are simply a cry for help. The person (and it applies to both men and women) feels so frustrated with the state of the marriage that he or she feels an affair will cause the other person to "wake up" and realize the seriousness of the problems. The affair is the symptom of a bad marriage and not the problem. It BECOMES the problem and hence the real problem doesn't get solved unless each person is willing to dig deeper than the problem of the affair.

 

The below link lists eight kinds of affairs. It is important that you identify which type you have if you desire a solution.

8 Types Of Affairs

 

1. The accidental affair

2. The cry for help affair.

3. The self medication affair

4. The Don Juan affair

5. The tripod affair

6. The retaliatory affair

7. The exploratory affair

8. The exit affair.

 

Not all are designed to end the marriage. Interesting info.

 

I agree with this. My ex-H had an affair. Marriage counseling and his life pattern left me with the impression his was 3. and 6. Since he confessed and we were in therapy together for over a year, he certainly wasn't some of the others.. and I agree it is a symptom.

 

It is also attributed to being the #1 reason why people stop trying in a marriage... discovery of an affair. People stay through addictions, abuse, and all kinds of neglect. Discovery of an affair often leads to a divorce, but not for the reasons people think. Discovery mostly forces people to focus on long simmering issues with an individual or in communication/compatibility issues with a couple.

[hotpotato]

I was never married, but I had a cheating partner.

 

Honestly, in his mind being with other women did not mean he loved me less. He just wanted 'variety.' He loved ME and wanted to be with me at the end of the day. As you can imagine, his logic did not extend to me being with other men.

 

I also think other women were his way of escaping our problems.

 

He sure did beg and plead when I nearly walked out on him.

[cocorico]

The affair is the symptom of a bad marriage and not the problem. It BECOMES the problem and hence the real problem doesn't get solved unless each person is willing to dig deeper than the problem of the affair.

 

 

This cannot be repeated often enough!

 

james, are you a counsellor? You post with such insight and sanity. If you are not a counsellor, perhaps you should consider a career change

[AlwaysGrowing]

The affair is the symptom of a bad marriage and not the problem. It BECOMES the problem and hence the real problem doesn't get solved unless each person is willing to dig deeper than the problem of the affair.

 

You might actually want to read more about what the author has to say about affairs, instead of cherry picking and spinning.

 

From the link you posted, from the same source.

 

For your viewing pleasure:

 

Myth: An affair always means there are serious problems in the marriage.

 

Fact: Research has shown that some of those who engage in affairs reported high marital satisfaction. Others have reported that the secret affair has spiced up their marriage and sex life.

 

The groundbreaking research by Dr. Shirley Glass revealed that many men and women who had affairs reported that their marriages were happy.

 

Myth: Infidelity is a sign that sex is missing at home.

 

Fact: Some unfaithful spouses have reported increased marital sex during the period of their affair.

 

Myth: Infidelity always has to do with a bad marriage or a withholding partner.

 

Fact: There are many reasons that people may choose to have an affair and, therefore, many types of affairs. Each affair must be approached and responded to differently.

[JamesM]

You might actually want to read more about what the author has to say about affairs, instead of cherry picking and spinning.

 

You "picked" a sentence out of a paragraph that indicated that not all affairs are equal. I never intended nor do I think I said that ALL affairs are symptoms and not problems. I was referring to the affairs that are a cry for help, which is one of the types listed at the link provided.

 

 

Myth: An affair always means there are serious problems in the marriage.

 

Fact: Research has shown that some of those who engage in affairs reported high marital satisfaction. Others have reported that the secret affair has spiced up their marriage and sex life.

 

I actually agree and did not say differently.

 

The groundbreaking research by Dr. Shirley Glass revealed that many men and women who had affairs reported that their marriages were happy.

 

True. Of course, what people report and actually feel are different in "some" cases. To avoid a confrontation with a spouse, some will say what they think needs to be said.

 

Myth: Infidelity is a sign that sex is missing at home.

 

Fact: Some unfaithful spouses have reported increased marital sex during the period of their affair.

 

I have no doubt that "some" also reported there was much less sex.

 

Myth: Infidelity always has to do with a bad marriage or a withholding partner.

 

Fact: There are many reasons that people may choose to have an affair and, therefore, many types of affairs. Each affair must be approached and responded to differently.

 

Agree. I listed the eight different types of affairs. While I made a comment above my link, I then went on to explain how that was one of many types of affairs...including "some" or "many" that have nothing to do with the level of marital satisfaction.

 

Thanks...I do enjoy reading.

[JamesM]

For women yes. Men tend to just want to have the best of both worlds. Women tend to have affairs more so when they feel something is missing.

 

I think that many men who have affairs also do so because something is missing. And oddly enough, it isn't "always" sex. It may simply be that they feel a lack of respect.

 

More men than women probably choose an affair because of the thrill, but certainly not all men nor all women fit either stereotype.

 

Some men do that too. But apparently over 60% of married men that cheat say they are emotionally satisfied with their wives plus enjoy frequent sex with them.

 

And no doubt, many men avoid a confrontation and say what they think needs to be said.

 

Men cheat because they are wired for sexual variety and cannot say no to fresh poontang.

 

IMO Wrong. But perhaps you have a link that can support this?

 

 

Women cheat when they are being emotionally neglected or something is missing.

 

True, but reading the many stories eve here on LS, we see that this is not more than a simple majority at best.

 

This idea that all cheating men have bitchy naggy wives who wont put out is grossly overexaggerated on this site. Sure, it happens, but the majority of male cheaters dont cheat due to this.

 

I would actually agree that most men do not cheat due to bitchy wives. I would go further and say that most wives are not that way at all...to anyone but their husbands. I would say that many wives act that way to the husband because communication has broken down between the spouses. Sometimes the bitchiness and nagginess are simply attempts at getting the husband to change himself or the marriage.

 

Cheating has many reasons and every affairs is started for different reasons even when there are similarities.

[JamesM]

To quote my link further:

 

Infidelity, unlike what most people assume, is neither rare, exclusively men’’s doing nor the likely end of the marriage.

 

It is very important to realize that marital affairs are common, normal in many societies and survivable. Marriages can get stronger when members of the couple deal constructively with the affair.

 

And to add some myths that were left off of the previously "picked" list:

 

Myth: An affair inevitably destroys the marriage.

 

Fact: Many marriages survive affairs. Most marriages, where both partners are committed to the marriage and to changing the dynamics that may have supported the affair, emerge stronger from the infidelity crisis.

 

Myth: Full disclosure of all the details of the affair to the betrayed spouse is prerequisite to healing.

 

Fact: Giving the uninvolved partner all the X-rated details of the affair can be haunting, traumatizing and can easily fuel obsessions. Sharing general information regarding when, where, with whom, how it started and who else knew, is often sufficient.

 

Some affairs are best kept secret, especially if they are brief and insignificant or may increase the likelihood of domestic violence. Increasing number of spouses prefer not to know about their partner’s affair and adopt the “Don’t ask-don’t tell” approach.

 

Fascinating stuff to read.

[AlwaysGrowing]

James, thanks for clarifying.

 

I believe many read it the way I did.

 

And it was a very good read, I am not surprised that they used much of Shirley Glass's research, as she was groundbreaking in saying that most Therapists approach was completely off the mark.

 

And in reference to Affairs are designed to end marriages. They most certainly are, the married partner is fully aware that the marriage is being put up for ante.

I am not talking about if they WANT to pay that price, most don't, hence the secrecy. They don't want the NATURAL consequence of having the affair.

 

Affairs, destroy the foundation of a relationship. That is why they are listed as reasons for divorce in our laws and most religions.

[cocorico]

Affairs, destroy the foundation of a relationship. That is why they are listed as reasons for divorce in our laws and most religions.

 

This is true in some countries. Other countries the only grounds for divorce are "irreconcilable differences" (ie, no fault) and its up to an individual to argue that they considered infidelity to be a dealbreaker. The state makes no assumption that it necessarily is.

[JamesM]

James, thanks for clarifying.

 

I believe many read it the way I did.

 

You are welcome. And my apologies to those that did.

 

And it was a very good read, I am not surprised that they used much of Shirley Glass's research, as she was groundbreaking in saying that most Therapists approach was completely off the mark.

 

She could be right. I did learn some things from that link.

 

And in reference to Affairs are designed to end marriages. They most certainly are, the married partner is fully aware that the marriage is being put up for ante.

 

Ultimately, affairs if/when discovered have the capability of ending the marriage, but they don't have to. But as you say, surely the person who chooses an affair must realize that the consequences include marital breakup. No matter why an affair was chosen, divorce is a very probable result.

 

I am not talking about if they WANT to pay that price, most don't, hence the secrecy. They don't want the NATURAL consequence of having the affair.

 

Agree.

 

Affairs, destroy the foundation of a relationship. That is why they are listed as reasons for divorce in our laws and most religions.

 

They do and they are listed as a possible reason for divorce. However, some (maybe even many but not all) marriages that get to this point NEED the foundation broken, so that a new one can be built.

 

Good points. We probably agree as much as we disagree.