naturalblue Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Hello all, I'm hoping that you will have some advice or suggestions for me. I apologize if this is long, I will try to break it up so it's not one big wall of text. I am 32 and have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 1 and a half. We have had trouble from the start, we used to fight all the time, although we don't anymore. We even broke up about 2 years in, but got back together after a few months. He is a nice guy, never mean to me but can be very passive aggressive and is lazy. I have always been the bread winner, he has a hard time keeping a job and when he has them they are low paying. Right now he has been trying to start his own business for the last year or so but it has not made any money yet - or at least, none that didn't go directly back into the business. I don't feel that he puts enough into his business to get it going to the point where he could contribute. Even before we got married, I sometimes thought that the only reason we were still together was because we never had a good reason to break up. I mean, the money situation is frustrating, but he's a good person. I suppose I should have never agreed to marry him in the first place, but I did and now I don't know what to do. One thing that you should know is that we have an open relationship. He has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. It started out as a way to just have some fun (and on my part, a way to have better sex, since my husband and I have never been super compatible sexually) but turned into more. He fell in love with the girl he was seeing (his now girlfriend, who was already one of our friends). I was upset at first, but I didn't feel that it was a threat to our marriage so I let it go. Also, because I don't believe that you can only love one person at a time. That's not the problem though. Or rather, it's a symptom of the problem but not the problem itself. We have grown so distant and as we grow further apart, he spends more and more time at his gf's house and I can't seem to bring myself to care all that much. It's gotten to the point where we haven't had sex in months and frankly, I don't want to have sex with him. I have no interest in him sexually anymore. We had problems for a while when he was having a hard time with ED and it made sex very unpleasant (rushed and frustrating and not satisfying. It was like a rush to take advantage of the erection with no foreplay whatsoever. He refused to see anyone about it though). We hardly talk, at least not about anything substantial. We don't touch, even casually. We're still friends though, we joke and laugh but we're more like friendly roommates than a married couple now. I still love him as a person but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I know that he feels it, but no one is saying anything. I don't know what I want to do yet so I don't want to say something and then just have it be awkward and in limbo. On one hand, I think that if we were not married, I would have broken up with him by now. On the other - we ARE married and I take that commitment seriously. I keep thinking, how pathetic is it to want out of a marriage after less than two years in? How would we explain this to our family? Maybe it's better to just suck it up and hope it gets better. But then, maybe it's better to let him go so he can be with someone that's on fire for him. I feel like I should work on it, but I know that a big step to getting our closeness back would be to start having sex again and I just really don't want to. This is not a libido thing, I have a high sex drive - it's specifically my husband. I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out, let me know if any of this is confusing or if clarification is needed. So what do you do when you've made this huge commitment and then realize that it may have been a mistake? Link to post Share on other sites
JaelBlue Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 I'm going to be completely honest here. Please don't take offense as my intentions are genuine. Please also take what I say with a grain of salt as I am just a bitter old (compared to you )woman in a bad marriage. Okay, enough disclaimer. You have no sex, no children, no real financial ties, no good communication and are by choice not monogamous. It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage at all. You say you take the commitment seriously but to what are you committed? I don't ask that in a snarky way. I truly question what aspect of marriage you take seriously if it is none of the above listed? Hon, you are still young. My opinion is cut your losses now. It doesn't sound like you have enough of a foundation upon which to rebuild. Very best wishes, Jael Link to post Share on other sites
RavenWolf Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 I'm going to be completely honest here. Please don't take offense as my intentions are genuine. Please also take what I say with a grain of salt as I am just a bitter old (compared to you )woman in a bad marriage. Okay, enough disclaimer. You have no sex, no children, no real financial ties, no good communication and are by choice not monogamous. It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage at all. You say you take the commitment seriously but to what are you committed? I don't ask that in a snarky way. I truly question what aspect of marriage you take seriously if it is none of the above listed? Hon, you are still young. My opinion is cut your losses now. It doesn't sound like you have enough of a foundation upon which to rebuild. Very best wishes, Jael I agree. Cut your ties and move on. There is no marriage here at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
meandme Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 What they said...why bother at this point? Might as well cut ties now...I couldn't imagine why you two would continue to complicate your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
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