i Cut My Wrists Today And I Am Afraid I Am Not Going To Make It

[Sympathy]

I know it has been a month and i have been strong about not contacting the ex bf by any means of verbal or written communication.....but today being Thanksgiving and sitting home all alone hoping that this mate of almost 5 yrs would at least call and wish me a happy holiday just to acknowledge that i am still alive which he did not.

 

I have a problem with self mutilation and today i sliced my wrists and the neighbor called 911 but the 'EMS technician deemed them to be superficial wounds and wrapped them up and i had to promise the cops i would see my regular shrink at the VA Hospital tomorrow.

I keep asking myself what have i done wrong to earn his contempt....unlike him i don't have a prison record or have done hard drugs or sold them....i have a nice home and money in the bank and my family still talks to me but won't for long as i could never invite him into their homes with his criminal background and the that fact that he brought all that heroin packaged for sale and left it at my place in case the cops that were called that day because he was choking me might search him.

 

What am i not giving this 52 yr old janitor that he seeks the company of another who probably does drugs in one way shape of form.

 

I look in the mirror and i see this unloved piece of useless garbage

and i am so afraid that i will off myself permanently

I am so alone and terrifed.....

 

Please give me some words of strength Mandimay

or anybody......love SYMPATHY

[Maria46]

I know I am not Mandimay, but I feel I need to respond to you.

 

I feel that you need immediate help at this moment. Is there a suicide hot line where you live? Do you have anyone you can talk to right now?

 

I don't know your personal history, but it sounds like you had been in an abusive relationship with that man.

 

Please try to seek help ASAP!

 

And please remember these things

 

1) You are NOT worthless!

 

2) You are loved by your family and friends

 

3) You will someday be in a wonderful relationship with a man who will adore and love you

 

4) You are not alone. We are all here for you.

 

 

I will be thinking about you and hoping that you will get the help you need.

 

Please take care of yourself!! BIG HUG to you!!!

 

Maria

[whichwayisup]

Sympathy, I'm sorry for all that you are going through. Maria46 said some lovely things to you and do you know she is 100% correct!! You are wonderful person, don't ever allow anyone to make you feel bad about yourself! I know that is easier said than done.

 

Do you see a therapist? Talking to someone could really help you cope, and I know afew people from various health boards I joined last year ( I have an anxiety disorder) who are in similar situation as you are. If you are interested in joining these sites, please PM me and I shall pass them onto you. I know how alone and scared you must be feeling, but know that there is tons of support groups on and offline line for you. Just don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. It's okay and we're all here too.

 

Lots of hugs to you. I hope you feel better soon.

 

WWIU

[moimeme]

I keep asking myself what have i done wrong to earn his contempt

 

He does not deserve you. He's too stupid to realize what a treasure you are and therefore does not deserve you. There is nothing wrong with you at all. He's just a pitiful judge of character.

 

Please go to http://www.metanoia.org and read that site. NO man is worth losing your life over. You WILL find a genuinely good man who will appreciate you and you deserve nothing less. Do NOT settle for less!!!

[Sympathy]

HELLO MY DEAR FRIENDS.

IF YOU WANT A COMPLETE HISTORY OF THE RELATIONSHIP PLEASE REFER TO MY ORIGINAL THREAD DATED NOV THE 10TH..."iS HE VERBALLY AND PHYSCIALLY ABUSIVE JUST TOWARDS ME?"

 

I AM IN SERIOUS TROUBLE HERE BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I WAS LIKE BEFORE I MET THIS ABUSIVE HEROIN ADDICTED DRUG DEALING CRIMINAL WITH A LONG TIME SPENT IN PRISON.......I DIDN' T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT HIS PAST AND HE DOWN PLAYED WHATEVER HE DID TELL ME AND WAS MY PRINCE CHARMING IN THE BEGINNING BUT ONCE HE STARTED DOING HERION AND DEALING IT HE CHANGED SO MUCH......I DON'T KNOW HIM ANYMORE.....I AM A PRETTY NICE PERSON AND I DON'T DO DRUGS OR HAVE NEVER BEEN TO JAIL OR IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW AND LIVE IN A NICER PLACE AND HAVE MORE MONEY THAN HE HAS AND ALWAYS HAVE TO PAY HIS WAY.....SO WHAT TYPE OF WOMAN IS HE LOOKING FOR NOW?

I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT I FEAR

SYMPATHY

[moimeme]

Sympathy, come back to reality. He is the loathsome piece of crap.

 

PLEASE READ THE WEBSITE I GAVE YOU OR CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE.

 

NOW.

[flower]

Hi, do save yourself. it's just post-thanksgiving.life is precious.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Sympathy, I am sorry I missed your other thread, my work server blocked it for some reason and I have just read it in an internet café.

 

This will come to an end, every day takes you closer to liberation and freedom. Your feelings are just your current perception of the situation, it makes them your current reality, but that’s exactly what it is, just your current reality.

 

Every day is different, you feeling this is temporary. Each day takes you in the direction you have to go – which is leaving this behind you. Every person has a journey, and your next life is beginning now the worst experiences you can have are ended, this may feel worse, but actually it’s the recovery – you have been through the worst which was when he was around, now you are dealing with the aftermath.

 

The aftermath HAS to be felt, but just as your relationship with him has ended, this will end too. This aftermath is all important, its your stepping stone to freedom. You may feel lonely, abandoned, isolated, desperate while on that stepping stone, but when the fog clears you will see the way is also clear for you to leave this and jump back to safety and reality. It’s a gradual process but one that feels better all the time the further you progress.

 

I have been in an abusive relationship a long time ago, although it wasn’t physically abusive until we started to break up. One night in a crowded street he trapped me in a phone box and wouldn’t let me out until after he urinated on me. A total stranger stopped her car and asked me to leave with her and I didn’t, I went home with him out of guilt and the total brainwashing he subjected me to. I wanted to die. 15 months ago I wanted to die because of a relationship I now view in hindsight as verging on abusive. That’s what I needed, hindsight which when you are in the midst of this is a luxury you arent afforded. One day very soon, present will be past and you will have hindsight. To get you through the present get whatever support you can. Listen to Moimeme, look at her link - she understands and knows how to help you. 15 months ago I listened to her and took her advice, and another member of LS who doesn’t post here now actually talked me out of suicide one night when the Samaritans failed – I owe that girl a lot. I feel sick thinking about it now, and you will one day also have the benefit of saying ’xx months ago I felt I couldn’t go on’.

 

Reading your other thread was horrific. You have survived his presence for 5 years, so can survive this.

 

You can get through this. You know you are valid, you know you are a good person. I am glad he left you.

 

BB x

[NiCoLe20]

ok first ur need help

 

ur gonna cut ur wrists over some guy? tha

 

im sorry to be harsh but their is sooooo much more out there... i have a little saying that goes ''get rid of 1 and for more come!'' serisously when i break things off w/ a b/f seems like a whole flock of guys come into the picture....and this probalby isnt happening to you b/c you have a puss on ur face, or they see the slit marks, or you walk around like u hate the world...

 

get out there, find a new man that isnt a druggie... with the money he spends on ruining his life he couldve spent with you...obviouslyy he chose drugs over you so leave it at that...i dont knnow the whole story but seriously move on!!! who cares what the hell he's doing now...start ur life over....do some changes-get a haircut, get a new wardrobe, if your feeling confident thats all that matters..u'll meet someone...when u STOP LOOKING thats when it happens girl!!! get out of this sickness and make positive changes....u dont want to hurt the ones u love right? get out there and get a new man!! sorry so harsh once again

[LucreziaBorgia]

I will apologize in advance for this: it will probably piss you off. It will probably piss a few people off - but I can tell you from experience that your way out is not through pity and sympathy.

 

I hope that you can get some help for your passive aggressive, suicidal and generally self destructive behavior. You cannot find love in this life until you begin with yourself. You will never find happiness by trying to find happiness everywhere but inside yourself. Giving you sympathy right now would only enable your behavior further and send you deeper into a self-pitying spiral of utter self-destruction. You don't need sympathy - you need some serious inner strength.

 

It is harsh, it isn't easy to hear, and it damned sure isn't sugar coated - but believe me, you are down to the last person who can save you now: YOU. Sometimes when misery is all we know, we cling to it for bitter comfort. Misery, pain and self-destructive behavior is your security blanket. You will have to learn to let go of that 'security blanket' and realize that it is smothering you, not keeping you safe. You can get better. You can learn to remember what it was like to be happy. You can know what it is to love and accept yourself. You can work toward that state again. It doesn't seem like it right now, and it is very likely the path is going to get rockier for you. Get some help, keep your appointments - sign that contract with your therapist that says you will not harm yourself. Start with that, and work your way back toward the light.

 

Your other option is to do nothing: you will continue to be subconsciously drawn to people that you know will bring you nothing but the worst - people who will feed into your self-destruction and keep it at that horrifying 'comfort level' of misery and pain. You will feel that you don't deserve any better, and will keep yourself in perpetual limbo. The worst type of hell: the kind you build for yourself. Even if you did find "the man of your dreams", I guarantee you that it will begin creeping up on you in the night again before long. The darkness. The fear. The pain. You can't run away from it and hide in a relationship thinking it will solve your problems.

 

Let someone help you. Go talk to your therapist. Don't make it be about the 'man' or about 'finding love with someone'. Let it be about you. This is a time where being selfish is absolutely imperative. Do it for yourself. Don't ask for sympathy and strength - go use the strength you have left inside and ask for help.

 

I ended up hospitalized - where will it end with you? Hitting bottom and bouncing up to start all over again, or will you take the foothold you have now and work your way up?

 

Good luck with it - you have my empathy, and you have my hope that you can find your way out.

[midori]

Hello Sympathy and other concerned members,

 

There are natural limits as to what kind of assistance an online community such as LoveShack.org can provide. A person who is physically harming her/himself, or contemplating suicide, needs direct, in-person, professional assistance -- and these cannot be found on LoveShack.org's forums.

 

Sympathy, I urge you to contact your local suicide hotline, or a mental health professional in your area. Suicidal thoughts require immediate and appropriate help.

 

Please keep us posted about your progress, but please do seek appropriate help.

 

Best wishes,

midori

LoveShack.org

[Spira]

I don't have much advice - everyone else has already said everything. I'm just writing to say that I can sympathize and that I hope things turn out OK and you are able to get help and get yourself out of this mess. Please take care of yourself, dear.

[morrigan]

Please take care of yourself Sympathy--you deserve and can have a better life. Please seek out professional counseling--sometimes it's too difficult to try to deal with a situation alone. Let us know how you are doing.

[Sympathy]

Thanx to everyone for responding to my thread......i do not know everyone personally but your kindness and concern has made me feel less despised and alone. I am really struggling and feel that i am slipping away with each passing day.

I can't seem to remember who i was before this toxic 5 yr relationship and presently my self image is being sculpted by the rejection of one i thought who would love me forever but swatted me away as if i was this insignificant fly and totaly erased all those years with him in a fleeting second....

I think it is no so much that he unloaded me but more in the way that he did it. I was getting tired of the lies, his heroin addiction, his dealing in drugs, his periodic disappearances...returning days afterwards looking like **** from shooting dope with his cronies, getting and losing low minimum wage jobs, his covert criminal type behavior and mostly his verbal and physical abuse of me personally..

 

He has hammered me into this lifeless shapeless shell who is afraid to be alone and will be alone as no one will love me because he made it pretty clear that i was this stupid loathsome individual that he had to get rid of pretty quickly.

 

I realize that couples fall out of love and he doesn't want me anymore but couldn't he at least have communicated that to me or told me of his interest in another in a kinder manner...it still would have hurt to hear but i would have felt less like this diseased bug that had to be gotten rid of right away.....

 

 

I have gathered all the things he has given me over the years in a huge box.....i can't stand to look at them yet i don't have the courage to pitch them. I don't want to break the now over a month silence by asking him to come get them. My friend suggested that since he dumped me in such a heartless way that my friend offered to drive me over there when he wasn't around and put the box on his porch and let him take care of it.

 

What should i do dear readers?? I dread the holidays coming as all my family lives in another state and i don't really have any friends as he was contemptuous of anyone i knew and all his friends were dopers or ex cons and i got tired of sitting with them while they smoked pot 24/7 or he would leave me to go out and shoot up with them

 

Right now he is on probation for 5 yrs.....God he will be 57 by then and of course he can't leave the state without permission...

 

Should i pitch his stuff? I just wish he didn't hate me so much cause i really am not a terrible person.....

LOVE TO ALL...SYMPATHY

[LucreziaBorgia]

It does you absolutely no good to hang on to his stuff like that. I understand that it would mean symbolically letting the remnants of him go, but it has to be done or it will continue to poison you. As for wishing he didn't hate you: be glad he does:

 

I was getting tired of the lies, his heroin addiction, his dealing in drugs, his periodic disappearances...returning days afterwards looking like **** from shooting dope with his cronies, getting and losing low minimum wage jobs, his covert criminal type behavior and mostly his verbal and physical abuse of me personally..

 

Did you really want to spend the rest of your life like that? I know that sometimes 'something' seems better than 'nothing', but you have to let it go. It is absolutely a necessity that you go and get some serious help. You are saying how awful it is for you, and how bad it is in your life, and how abyssmal your future is, but it doesn't appear that you are doing the one thing that can help to make things better: getting intervention.

 

Unless you want to spend the rest of your days like this, you need to start climbing out of it. Don't be a martyr. Get out there and take steps to save yourself.

 

People will be there to help you, but you have to be willing to help yourself first. You mentioned an appointment with a therapist in your first post. Did you keep that appointment?

[moimeme]

Sure, go ditch his stuff on his porch. You have your friend to testify that you gave his stuff back. It will be good closure for you.

 

But then, don't just mope. I gave you the easiest possible beginning - just click on a website. There, you have the option of contacting people who can help you. If you have a domestic violence centre or women's shelter in your town, call them. You are not the first woman to have ended up in such a situation nor the first to feel horrid because of it. But you owe it to yourself and your family and the planet to get yourself out of your misery and live again. You can - many women have - but you have to take the simple step of making a call. It will take you just punching seven numbers on your telephone pad - even less than it took to type your post!!! You can do this, and you will feel so much better when you meet and speak to other women who have been where you are and who have recovered.