Ex Finally Realized

[Romaks]

she hasn't said anything else to you?

[stormer1092]

she hasn't said anything else to you?

 

Negative. I don't expect her to for a while. Like I said I'm not breaking no contact. She needs to figure out how to be happy with herself. Until then I'm out of the picture. See I've been her source of happiness for the last 3.5 years and she doesn't know how to be happy on her own.

[stormer1092]

Well she sent another one just a few minuets ago. Text goes like this:

 

"I have one last time text to send you, lol I promise this is the last one. I just wanted things to be left on civil terms because I don't hate you. I hate what our relationship became. But I don't hate you as a person and its fine that you don't text me back, its good to just let everything out without having to worry about if your going to yell at me or not. Plus I'm used to you ignoring me lol I do want to say a couple things. Thank you for sticking by my side when I went through depression and suicide thoughts. I couldn't have made it out without you. Also thanks for being there for me when my dad died. I probably wouldn't be here after that if it wasn't for you. Also when my grandpa died, thank you for sticking there by my side and through all the other family drama. You are a good person, and I know you'll go far. I just couldn't be that motivation anymore. :/ I need to know what its like to do things on my own and to see the world on my own. It hasn't been the easiest but things are looking up each day. I don't regret breaking up because I know we both will be okay. We have been through allot and it makes us stronger. But just remember I don't hate you, and I never could hate you and thank you for everything."

 

I feel like I should reply or something. I need some help. I want to reply and be like "Go ahead and live life" or something along the lines of that. I'm not really 100% ready to let go but it seems like I have to. Advice?

[NoMoreJerks]

I got another couple texts saying "I never meant to hurt you" and another saying to listen to a certain song. Still NC from me.

Do NOT reply.

 

I received an email from my ex, it wasn't apologetic, certainly not like your ex's mssg -- he was still being a douche and justifying his behavior. But then he sent me a text "I didn't mean to hurt you..." though again, he added, "but I had warned you my job stops me from having a normal life." Usually, these sorts of "remorseful" messages are just a way for them to ease their guilty conscience or to see if they can still get you to dance to their tune. Do not take the bait, there's nothing in it for us. Heck, I am convinced that no one should take their ex back, unless the break-up was more of a mutually agreed-upon break.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well she sent another one just a few minuets ago. Text goes like this:

 

"I have one last time text to send you, lol I promise this is the last one. I just wanted things to be left on civil terms because I don't hate you. I hate what our relationship became. But I don't hate you as a person and its fine that you don't text me back, its good to just let everything out without having to worry about if your going to yell at me or not. Plus I'm used to you ignoring me lol I do want to say a couple things. Thank you for sticking by my side when I went through depression and suicide thoughts. I couldn't have made it out without you. Also thanks for being there for me when my dad died. I probably wouldn't be here after that if it wasn't for you. Also when my grandpa died, thank you for sticking there by my side and through all the other family drama. You are a good person, and I know you'll go far. I just couldn't be that motivation anymore. :/ I need to know what its like to do things on my own and to see the world on my own. It hasn't been the easiest but things are looking up each day. I don't regret breaking up because I know we both will be okay. We have been through allot and it makes us stronger. But just remember I don't hate you, and I never could hate you and thank you for everything."

 

I feel like I should reply or something. I need some help. I want to reply and be like "Go ahead and live life" or something along the lines of that. I'm not really 100% ready to let go but it seems like I have to. Advice?

As I stated, do not reply. Please please please do yourself a favor and do NOT reply. She is already achieving her goal, which is to shift the guilty feelings onto you, for not having responded to her. Soon enough you will forget that she even hurt you initially, because she came back and apologized for it, while you will be left feeling like you are the bad guy for not responding. And if you do respond, trust me, nothing good will come out of it. Been there, done that. Do not give her the satisfaction. Clearly, she's playing the sympathy card and trying to bait you into responding. She's escalating it by mentioning all those stuff. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, is my motto now and I hope you will stick to it and not let her fool you again.

[stormer1092]

As I stated, do not reply. Please please please do yourself a favor and do NOT reply. She is already achieving her goal, which is to shift the guilty feelings onto you, for not having responded to her. Soon enough you will forget that she even hurt you initially, because she came back and apologized for it, while you will be left feeling like you are the bad guy for not responding. And if you do respond, trust me, nothing good will come out of it. Been there, done that. Do not give her the satisfaction. Clearly, she's playing the sympathy card and trying to bait you into responding. She's escalating it by mentioning all those stuff. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, is my motto now and I hope you will stick to it and not let her fool you again.

 

I'm actually glad she's finally realizing that she needs to start being independent. I really think she's looking for my approval or something. She isn't making me feel guilty at all either... She isn't fooling anyone.

[candie13]

Well she sent another one just a few minuets ago. Text goes like this:

 

"I have one last time text to send you, lol I promise this is the last one. I just wanted things to be left on civil terms because I don't hate you. I hate what our relationship became. But I don't hate you as a person and its fine that you don't text me back, its good to just let everything out without having to worry about if your going to yell at me or not. Plus I'm used to you ignoring me lol I do want to say a couple things. Thank you for sticking by my side when I went through depression and suicide thoughts. I couldn't have made it out without you. Also thanks for being there for me when my dad died. I probably wouldn't be here after that if it wasn't for you. Also when my grandpa died, thank you for sticking there by my side and through all the other family drama. You are a good person, and I know you'll go far. I just couldn't be that motivation anymore. :/ I need to know what its like to do things on my own and to see the world on my own. It hasn't been the easiest but things are looking up each day. I don't regret breaking up because I know we both will be okay. We have been through allot and it makes us stronger. But just remember I don't hate you, and I never could hate you and thank you for everything."

 

I feel like I should reply or something. I need some help. I want to reply and be like "Go ahead and live life" or something along the lines of that. I'm not really 100% ready to let go but it seems like I have to. Advice?

 

You have been together 3 years and you've obviously meant something to each other. Normally, I would want to keep things civil and I would respond.

 

But:

- responding will be a clear set back to you and it will help her more. Basically you continue to give and she continues to take.

- If you respond whatever you respond, the risk is to remember the good old time. That were not all bad or all good. But the routine is for you two to be together. It takes at least half the period you guys dated to be not used to being together.

- even if you feel strong now, you are strong because you went NC. The moment you get in touch with her, you will lose that power. It is a proven fact.

- so let's assume you text her back. Can you tell me that after that you will not expect another text from her? Her reaction? What will she say?

 

Listen, it takes sooooo long for people to change. Yes, they want to change, but making that change real is... so different. It takes determination, effort, discipline, loads of time. Wanting it is not making it happen...

 

The same thing for your dynamic. It will be difficult for her, if she gets back in contact with you, to not act the same way she did before. It's the pattern. You are the strong one, she is the weak one. The definition of weak people is that they lose power to strong people. She needs to solve a lot of issues to become a dependable partner. For the moment, she is not. She is not well with you, because she is not well with herself. That will not change only because she realized it and that will not only because she wants it to change...

 

And you cannot do a damn thing about it, because these are all her battles.

 

I think that you should stay away, she is provoking you to answer. And if you do decide to answer, just be very aware that this will end up blowing in your face. Responding to her mind game will hurt you.

 

But.. we all gotta do what we gotta do to learn and to get over people. Stay safe, take care.

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm actually glad she's finally realizing that she needs to start being independent. I really think she's looking for my approval or something. She isn't making me feel guilty at all either... She isn't fooling anyone.

Well, you said:

 

"I feel like I should reply or something. I need some help. I want to reply and be like "Go ahead and live life" or something along the lines of that. I'm not really 100% ready to let go but it seems like I have to. Advice?"

 

To me, that indicates some feelings of guilt, or at the very least, you feel like you are blackmailed into replying, because if you don't, you might lose her for good, even as a potential friend. You said it yourself, you're not 100% ready to let go, and this might make you feel like you're a bad person for having shunned her attempt to reach out: I know I felt like this every time my ex reached out to me, after initiating a break-up and me not responding.

[candie13]

provocation .... oh, don't our exes know exactly which buttons to press to push us, haha!

 

this too shall pass, stormer, learn to recognize a trap when you see one !

[stormer1092]

Well, you said:

 

"I feel like I should reply or something. I need some help. I want to reply and be like "Go ahead and live life" or something along the lines of that. I'm not really 100% ready to let go but it seems like I have to. Advice?"

 

To me, that indicates some feelings of guilt, or at the very least, you feel like you are blackmailed into replying, because if you don't, you might lose her for good, even as a potential friend. You said it yourself, you're not 100% ready to let go, and this might make you feel like you're a bad person for having shunned her attempt to reach out: I know I felt like this every time my ex reached out to me, after initiating a break-up and me not responding.

 

I don't feel guilty for not responding. I feel like I might miss an opportunity with her. I still have lots of feelings for her and you're right. I don't want to loose her for good.

[stormer1092]

provocation .... oh, don't our exes know exactly which buttons to press to push us, haha!

 

this too shall pass, stormer, learn to recognize a trap when you see one !

 

But I really do want to just talk to her. Maybe not right now maybe not tomorrow but sometime.

[candie13]

see, that's the thing, right there. When you'll be over her, you won't want to talk to her .

 

listen, if you want to talk to her, go ahead and do, but it will do you more harm than good. Expect that, try to be prepare.

 

She knows you want to stay friends, that's exactly why she articulated her message, the way she did. She's manipulating you into responding, because she is telling you exactly what you want to hear, than she leaves you hanging.

 

If you think you can stop at exchanging nice lovely messages and only talk, fine.

 

People reach out for familiar things and situation. You two are used to function in a dysfunctional relationship, but that is your routine. There is a very very thin line between reopening the lines of communication and wanting to get back with your previous partner....

[stormer1092]

see, that's the thing, right there. When you'll be over her, you won't want to talk to her .

 

listen, if you want to talk to her, go ahead and do, but it will do you more harm than good. Expect that, try to be prepare.

 

She knows you want to stay friends, that's exactly why she articulated her message, the way she did. She's manipulating you into responding, because she is telling you exactly what you want to hear, than she leaves you hanging.

 

If you think you can stop at exchanging nice lovely messages and only talk, fine.

 

People reach out for familiar things and situation. You two are used to function in a dysfunctional relationship, but that is your routine. There is a very very thin line between reopening the lines of communication and wanting to get back with your previous partner....

 

Yea after some thinking I'm not going to respond to this text. It really seems like a trap now going back and reading it. You're right it is telling me what I want to hear. I'm going to wait a little longer and I really do want to open the lines of communication again one day ON MY TERMS. But I REALLY don't want to go back to what we were. That relationship is DEAD. I'll keep this updated.

Edited September 26, 2013 by stormer1092

[rossi128]

Like many others I too would love some sort of recognition that it wasn't all one sided.

 

My opinion for what to worth, it it had been just the one email/text then that would have been fine. But as you've been sent a few now, I agree with others, don't reply. And if you can, block her from your phone and email.

[stormer1092]

Like many others I too would love some sort of recognition that it wasn't all one sided.

 

My opinion for what to worth, it it had been just the one email/text then that would have been fine. But as you've been sent a few now, I agree with others, don't reply. And if you can, block her from your phone and email.

 

Do you think I'll ever be able to reach out to her?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Good job, Stormer and keep up the NC. Actions speak louder than words!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

The fact that you're in such turmoil over whether to write her back or not and that you still want her back proves that you're not ready for any contact with her. She states pretty clearly in her messages that she does not regret breaking up and that she is not trying to get back together with you.

 

Accept that this relationship is over for good.

 

Your ex is writing you to purge her guilt and feel better about herself. It has nothing to do with reaching out to you in order to be with you. You need to continue bettering yourself by remaining NC. You don't owe her a response and it won't change the situation except maybe suck you back in to a painful cycle. Her journey and her life is no longer your concern. It's your turn to be selfish and think only about yourself.

 

I would block her number until your feelings for her have disappeared.

Edited September 26, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove

[Simon Phoenix]

Do you think I'll ever be able to reach out to her?

 

Not until you don't care about how she responds. I mean, it's good that she's apologizing for things, but nowhere in those messages does she indicate a desire to get back with you. She told you not to reply, so don't.

[harrybrown]

Do not break NC. Stay strong. Do something for yourself.

[lylat333]

Hi stormer, I just went through your thread after seeing it for the first time. My 2 cents is a vote for not responding as well. I thought this all sounded very promising at first, like she was going to make herself very vulnerable to you but when she sent the longer message.. I thought it sounded pretty disappointing.

 

I don't think a dumper who wants to reconcile would say, "I need to know what its like to do things on my own and to see the world on my own." or "I don't regret breaking up because I know we both will be okay." She would say, I want to be with you or she does regret breaking up with you.

 

To me this screams her relieving her guilt... and if you wish her well or say go live your life it gives her a big free pass on everything. I would have way too much pride to do that. NoMoreJerks is right, she is shifting the blame onto you and wants to call what happened a wash. Remaining NC will either end the charade or force her to be more vulnerable.

[stormer1092]

Hi stormer, I just went through your thread after seeing it for the first time. My 2 cents is a vote for not responding as well. I thought this all sounded very promising at first, like she was going to make herself very vulnerable to you but when she sent the longer message.. I thought it sounded pretty disappointing.

 

I don't think a dumper who wants to reconcile would say, "I need to know what its like to do things on my own and to see the world on my own." or "I don't regret breaking up because I know we both will be okay." She would say, I want to be with you or she does regret breaking up with you.

 

To me this screams her relieving her guilt... and if you wish her well or say go live your life it gives her a big free pass on everything. I would have way too much pride to do that. NoMoreJerks is right, she is shifting the blame onto you and wants to call what happened a wash. Remaining NC will either end the charade or force her to be more vulnerable.

 

Yup I'm keeping NC. I made it today without texting her and I know I'll be able to keep NC. If she becomes vulnerable and opens up to me then just maybe I'll reply and until then... NC.

[lindsay1990]

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, is my motto now and I hope you will stick to it and not let her fool you again.

 

 

I want this motto too!

[lindsay1990]

I think you should go no contact some more, like, not just until she becomes "more vulnerable". Remember we cannot read minds and to me, she is playing the guilt game.

 

I bet that if you go no contact she will write you back on the offense accusing you of not wanting to split amicably, of ignoring her attempt to make peace, ignoring her thanks, etc. But the girl seems to be looking just for YOUR BLESSING in breaking up, YOUR BLESSING in going to have her fun and on top of everything, you kind of agreeing that "yeah, I love you too, the relationship just became bad" and calling it a day.

 

The relationship may have become whatever, but my advice is to not give her the satisfaction of labelling it as that, you have a right to label is as "she gave up on the relationship" if you would want to. What I'm saying is you don't owe her anything, you don't have to agree that "it's for the best" or that "yeeeah, I realize now, you are right, it was better to break up". Not by agreeing that "yeaaaah, we'll be okay". F that. You know you're not "okay", you are hurt. Excuse me but really. Don't give her a pat on the back and be all "there, there" to her guilt.

 

No contact will show her true motive. If it is out of guilt or our a need to be the bigger person in some way (like by showing a friendly disposition in saying goodbye). Let your silence flush her out and if she makes it about herself again (like you ignoring her) or makes you out to be the bad guy in some way, you will know for sure that she is lacking empathy at this point and is only out to protect her feelings, as should be you. Stay strong and good luck with NC.

[stormer1092]

I think you should go no contact some more, like, not just until she becomes "more vulnerable". Remember we cannot read minds and to me, she is playing the guilt game.

 

I bet that if you go no contact she will write you back on the offense accusing you of not wanting to split amicably, of ignoring her attempt to make peace, ignoring her thanks, etc. But the girl seems to be looking just for YOUR BLESSING in breaking up, YOUR BLESSING in going to have her fun and on top of everything, you kind of agreeing that "yeah, I love you too, the relationship just became bad" and calling it a day.

 

The relationship may have become whatever, but my advice is to not give her the satisfaction of labelling it as that, you have a right to label is as "she gave up on the relationship" if you would want to. What I'm saying is you don't owe her anything, you don't have to agree that "it's for the best" or that "yeeeah, I realize now, you are right, it was better to break up". Not by agreeing that "yeaaaah, we'll be okay". F that. You know you're not "okay", you are hurt. Excuse me but really. Don't give her a pat on the back and be all "there, there" to her guilt.

 

No contact will show her true motive. If it is out of guilt or our a need to be the bigger person in some way (like by showing a friendly disposition in saying goodbye). Let your silence flush her out and if she makes it about herself again (like you ignoring her) or makes you out to be the bad guy in some way, you will know for sure that she is lacking empathy at this point and is only out to protect her feelings, as should be you. Stay strong and good luck with NC.

 

Nooo I'm not ok with it so why would I want to give her my blessings? I'll keep you posted here if she contacts me again. I was just emotionally confused yesterday so if it seems like I'm bipolar or something thats why. lol

[Softdrinks8]

I'm also going through the same situation, my ex boyfriend broke up to me because he said he was dependent to me and he needs to mature.. We went NC since the break up, it's been 19 days now.. I don't know when can I hear from him again.. My bday is coming up and I wonder if he will greet me..