Setback and wondering why MM stays

[browneyed]

I had a setback yesterday, it was self inflicted but a set back none the less. Yesterday was 6 months since d-day and since I just can't stop torturing myself I continue to look online for pieces of information. I've had no contact since that last phone call in June and it just left me with a million unanswered questions and still no closure. So the two things I can check on are how much he's been playing sports and how much he plays a FB game. This sport is registered online and shows me when he's been playing and when he will play. He used this sport to keep him out of the house starting 6 months into their M. Slowly it grew into a full time habit playing 6 days a week. He'd go from work to play sports and then home sometime after 10 every day of the week but Monday and then he'd play on Saturdays and Sundays. It was also something that he used as an excuse to come see me, as playing this sport all day or out of town wasn't necessarily out of the ordinary. The FB game was one we had started to play together, and of course I was deleted from after D-day. But the game tells me when he's played last.

 

I'm searching because I want to know just how much his life had changed post d-day. When I talked to him for the last time 2 months after d-day he had told me he was working on his M, but didn't know if he wanted it to work or if it would work and that counseling had been very rough. I didn't and still don’t understand why he didn't leave when given the chance. M for just 2 years with no kids, what is keeping him there? Given that he's actually increased the amount of sports he's playing and not backed off at all and given the times he is playing the FB game…not much has changed at home. He isn't spending any more time at home than he was before. He's also quite obviously not in bed with his W given the times he's playing this game….they are identical to when he would play before d-day. For awhile that made me feel better knowing that nothing had changed for him. I figured they had at some point given up on counseling and gone back to the status quo. He was still living the same life but probably under more scrutiny. Yesterday it made me angry to know this. Why would he decide to stay in that situation and continue to distract himself with sports etc just to maintain his marriage? Why live that kind of life? Why would he chose that life over being with me?

 

I don't understand why people go back and don't fix things but just live with it as it is. Have they just decided to be unhappy and live with it? Are they really that weak? Of course I'm speculating but the sports schedule and FB game that I see is pretty revealing. I just don't understand it.

 

I have to give him some credit for staying true to the NC that he promised to the W and the therapist. At least he isn't still trying to play both sides. It's a double edged sword though. Part of me wants to hear that he's unhappy, that he misses me, that he thinks about me, that I meant something to him and it wasn't easy for him to just up and walk away. On the other hand….I know that I'm still not strong enough to stay away from him, so in that regard NC is best for both of us. Given the extent to which his W went to catch him and shame him to the knowledge of the whole family I doubt he'll be attempting another A anytime soon.

 

I'm doing better…there is less emotion and pain then there was…but its still hard. The emotions may have dulled with time but I haven't stopped thinking about him, wondering what he is doing or trying to see what he's up to. It's pathetic. I hope at some point the thoughts stop. That's the next hurdle to get past…when I no longer think about him. At least whatever he's living with is most likely worse than what I'm living with. I know that his d-day and A will effect the M for the rest of the time they are married. He gets to distract himself with sports and games and live the life he chose however happy that makes him or doesn't make him and I get to move on.

[whichwayisup]

You really need to do your best and stop following what he does online. You don't know what is going on in his life anymore and honestly, it's none of your business either. Sorry that sounds harsh, it's just doing more damage and preventing you from letting go and making your own closure. Bottom line is, he made his decision to stay with his wife, and his reasons are good enough for him. Some how you need to make peace with this and let go. Holding onto him and trying to figure out what happened and why, finding answers that you'll never know WILL eat you up even more as time goes on. It is what it is.

 

The sooner you close your mind and heart from him, get him out of your blood, the better off you'll feel and heal quicker. Make a decision to let go and stick to it so you can feel happier again.