Why is it like this??? anyone help please

[Lost and hurt]

Hello everyone...

 

Let me start from the very beginning because I want everyone to have a good grasp on the history of this situation so I can have good feedback. About 2 years ago, I moved away from my home, everything I know, to work with a business partner of mine. We work very well together and he is the only one I know I would trust with the business. Spending day in and out with eachother, he became my best friend, and me, I became his only sense of family. We ended up sharing a house together (with 2 other roomates) because it was more convienent that way. In the process of us working with eachother, he started to develope deeper feelings for me. He mistook our friendship for something else, something deeper. I made it clear to him many times I didnt love him in that way, but it has made things shaky around here. Now, this all happened in the first year I was here. About a year into us working with eachother, I met (what I thought) was a wonderful man. We fell in love, made plans to do things, etc..everything you do when you find someone you truly love. So, as you can imagine, for the past year...my business partner and the man I love have been in a battle with me. I have been trying to get out of my business for a few months now to save my relationship with this man i love. I have been taking my time though, understandably, so I dont lose everything I've worked for since i was 18 years old. Now, in the past year since I've been dating this man, my business partner has been abusive to me..physically and mentally a couple of times. I know that is reason enough to leave, but I was trying to salvage as much as I could, to protect myself from bankruptcy, livelyhood, etc. It was never life threatining, just more verbal abuse because he was jealous..still enough reason to get out, i know. Now, that is not really a dilemma for me because I know what I have to do, I have to get out even if it costs me everything I have worked for. My dilemma is the man I've been dating. When we first met, he knew my situation. He know how my partner was, I told my boyfriend that my partner had feelings for me, that he was feeling threatened and such. Understandably, he has been upset that I am in this situation. I would too if I was that concerned about someone i loved. But, it has caused serious issues in our relationship. My boyfriend has ended up verbally abusing me and controlling me in ways that make my heart ache. We get into huge fights, he ends up calling me names, following me outside and causing scenes in the neighborhood, threatens to break my property (destroy things of my car), started talking to another girl to piss me off (in more than a friendly way I believe), has called my house and left harassing messages (knowing it will make my situation here worse), etc. I dont know if his drug use attributes to this behavior, (marijuana and occasional alcohol) but sometimes our relationship is really good, and sometimes its really bad. He comes from a broken home where his mother and himself were abused by an alcoholic father..i wonder sometimes if this has anything to do with the way he treats me. It's like this, he blames all of our problems on me and the fact that i am living where I am living, every single problem. Even though he knew my situation when he got involved with me. I think maybe he uses this as an outlet to get angry with me, or to take his anger out on me...although I am not really sure. I mean, he has gotten so evil to even wish death on my firstborn. I'm just not sure, i love him so much though, that I have started to believe the reason we argue is all my fault. So, last week I packed everything in my house, I am ready to move in with him. I decided i love him too much to try to salvage my business...I decide to go to school, do something else with my life. It was a big life decision for me to finally make this move once and for all. I am ready to go, as i type this letter i see my boxes packed, my life I have worked for packed up. Heres the thing, I was in a almost fatal car accident 3 weeks ago..I am lucky to be alive. I am my mothers only child. For the first time in my life, I am 3000 miles away from home. My mother was finally able to get 1 week off to come visit me after the accident, thats in 2 weeks..As a mother I suppose she needs to come check on her daughter and make sure shes ok. Now, heres the other episode of my life. I really want to see my mother. If i stay where I am now, I can see her (because she cant afford a hotel room), and I were to move in with my boyfriend, she wont be able to come. The reason for that is, my boyfriend and his roomates live in a small 2 bedroom apartment (no place for all of us to sleep), smoke pot all day, blare their hip hop music at 6am, drink liquor until they pass out. I dont think thats a place for my mother. So, I explained this to my boyfriend, how I really wanted my mom to visit, etc, and how I wouldnt feel comfortable with her staying there even if we could make room for all of us. He didnt say to me" for a week, so you can move in, we can cut back and make it suitable for everyone"...he said "you stay where you are then, I'll be mad about it, but I'll deal with it so you can see her".

 

So, hes been very mean to me since then, and yesterday, I went to his house to take him to work. He told me, after everything (asked me to marry him last week, bought him a plane ticket to new york 4 days ago to go with me on vacation) that he couldnt be with me anymore. He told me he couldnt compete with my roomate and his excuse is that ,"I love him just as much as i love my roomate, and what if one day I left him(my boyfriend) for someone else". He had the nerve to tell me I was using him as a backup plan..so incase one didnt work out I had the other to fall back on. Basically, he just slapped me in the face with his words (again) by telling me I was lying to him and cheating on him the entire time. And here I am, so concerned about him, that I tell my mom yesterday not to come visit me because I need to be with my boyfriend. HEre I am with my boxes packed and my heart on the line, and he just comes out with this excuse. And heres the sad part, I think he might actually believe it, that I'm a liar...but i love him like i've never loved anyone in my life. He is my life...He's the reason why I am still here after everything. He has pulled this stuff on me before, pushed me away, told me i couldnt be trusted, but I always come running back...am I just a glutton for punishment?? Do i deserve this? Someone help me understand please

[Mizu]

Yikes!!! He sounds as if he's being immature, and the pot must be clouding his thought patterns. Unfortunately, I do not have time to respond to each of your points, so I will try to sum up the important parts. Don't let anyone make you doubt yourself - you know if you're doing something wrong or not, don't let his devious ways convince you that you're doing anything wrong. He is trying to get a reaction out of you, and he probably doesn't understand how unfair he's being. He's obviously only looking at things from his perspective, and he's trying to warp you into exactly what he wants you to be. If he is willing to lose a wonderful person like you because the thc is making him unable to see the truth . . . unfortunately that's his loss. Don't let him compromise your relationship with your mother either - blood is thicker, remember. And if he's gonna twist you wanting to have your mom in a safe environment into you really wanting to be with your roommate, he just isn't mature enough to have a serious relationship right now. AND (this is VERY important, and I'm sure you know this) you deserve better than someone who threatens you and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I'm sure you two had great times together, but he just doesn't sound ready to be an adult yet. Good luck ^_^

[Dragonflys]

After rubbing my eyes with this long uninterrupted post, let me try and put my two cents in.

 

Please get away from these two men, they are both awful, controlling, manipulating bums. SURE your boyfriend loves you, love is funny like that, but he is not going to change or treat you any better - he can't.

 

You don't deserve this - please get away.

 

It also sounds like you are an intelligent, motivated person who deserves much better than to be stuck with a pack of pot smoking, drinking, disrespectful bums.

 

Put on a Poker face, get your business matter secured (or even don't), and go and start a new life. Life is so beautiful and peaceful, please don't waste another day living this wreck.

 

Go to a new state, work in a cafe or something until you have the money to get your expertise used again. Don't leave any contact numbers with anyone but your mother.

 

You deserve so much better than this. This is a living hell.

[Lost and hurt]

After rubbing my eyes with this long uninterrupted post, let me try and put my two cents in. Please get away from these two men, they are both awful, controlling, manipulating bums. SURE your boyfriend loves you, love is funny like that, but he is not going to change or treat you any better - he can't. You don't deserve this - please get away.

 

It also sounds like you are an intelligent, motivated person who deserves much better than to be stuck with a pack of pot smoking, drinking, disrespectful bums. Put on a Poker face, get your business matter secured (or even don't), and go and start a new life. Life is so beautiful and peaceful, please don't waste another day living this wreck. Go to a new state, work in a cafe or something until you have the money to get your expertise used again. Don't leave any contact numbers with anyone but your mother. You deserve so much better than this. This is a living hell.

[Tony T]

I am just so extremely sorry. Big blocks of gray type give me such a headache I can't sleep at night after trying to read them.

 

Next time you want a reaction from me, put your post up in neat three or four sentence paragraphs broken up by spaces.

 

No offense meant against you, but I just have a bad physical reaction to very long posts with no paragraphs.

 

If you post again and just give a brief synopsis of the problem, I'll give it a go.

 

Best of luck to you. I hope you understand.

[Laurynn]

I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

 

Here's my suggestion.

 

You already have everything packed up.........first thing in the morning, get out the classified and find your OWN PLACE. Far, far away from these two abusive a**h***s.

 

You are obviously an intelligent, motivated, hard working, thoughtful woman. What do you need with a pot smoking, booze guzzling, no-life abusive loser like your boyfriend?

 

He's treated you like total #####........that is NOT LOVE. Love is NOT: putting someone down, calling them names, treating them badly, playing head games, blaming them for things out of their control, falsely accusing them of lying, the list goes on.

 

He asked you to marry him last week? Good lord, the guy sounds like a party-face bum........husband material? Hardly. And why were YOU buying HIS plane ticket?? (nothing against you)........does he frequently get you/talk you into buying things for him, that he should be buying himself? SO groovy, you move in at Party Central.....one more person paying rent, which means the party boys have more money left over to party with. Do you really think that's a great environment to be in? I mean, geez........your own Mom can't even come to visit because it's such a crappy environment?

 

Maybe you can't afford to live on your own......but there are always decent people out there who are looking for roommates.......or those who have a basement suite to rent for a reasonable price. Please consider this.

 

Both of these men, and these environments are TOXIC to your sanity, physical and mental health.

 

Sometimes when women have been emotionally and mentally abused for so long, they subconsciously become brainwashed into: a) thinking they don't deserve better....b) their partner's abusive actions are the result of his "DEEP LOVE" for you (bulls***)...c) you are trapped and will never find anyone better.

 

If things get really tough and you feel like you have NO PLACE to turn to, or go to.........call up your local Battered Woman's Shelter. I'm serious. They are open 24 hours a day.....you can talk to the women volunteers 24 hours a day.........and they almost always have room for women in crisis. You can get their number by calling up the NON-EMERGENCY Number of your local police department (they won't ask why you need it, trust me)....or call up your local Hospital and get it from them. You are being ABUSED, and you have been for some time.

 

The women who volunteer and counsel at these Shelters.......they have been victims of abuse themselves. They *KNOW* what a woman in your position is going through. They're not going to tell you what to do, but they will seriously help you figure out your options........they provide many service..........One of the ones in the town I lived in, they even had volunteers who would help a woman move (they provide the truck and the people to help move the boxes) if she had to get out of a bad situation. They very possibly could help you find a safe place to live. PLEASE. Do this for yourself. It sounds like you are really all alone there..........and sometimes when you're all alone, you make poor decisions because you feel pressured and scared.

 

If you ever need to talk to someone who's been in a similar position, write me: <e-mail address removed>

 

OR...feel free to post here at ANY TIME! You need support, and please know.........we DO care.

 

Laurynn

[WGirl]

Both men sound like jerks. Move back with your mother or leave town. Start over again. Lose contact with both.

 

Kick them to the curb.

After rubbing my eyes with this long uninterrupted post, let me try and put my two cents in. Please get away from these two men, they are both awful, controlling, manipulating bums. SURE your boyfriend loves you, love is funny like that, but he is not going to change or treat you any better - he can't. You don't deserve this - please get away.

 

It also sounds like you are an intelligent, motivated person who deserves much better than to be stuck with a pack of pot smoking, drinking, disrespectful bums. Put on a Poker face, get your business matter secured (or even don't), and go and start a new life. Life is so beautiful and peaceful, please don't waste another day living this wreck. Go to a new state, work in a cafe or something until you have the money to get your expertise used again. Don't leave any contact numbers with anyone but your mother. You deserve so much better than this. This is a living hell.

[Deejette]

All that slacker pot-smoking and drinking BS is not a good reason to forsake seeing your mother and giving up your business.

 

Your business partner is abusive and your boyfriend is abusive too. You are accepting this too much because I guess you are used to it. But believe me, Though you protest that you love your bf, you are describing him in a way that makes me ask, "What's to love?"

 

This situation does not sound like it will create much happiness or success for you. If you live with your bf, don't be surprised if he borrows money from you to support his layabout lifestyle, while you are out there working hard.

I'm really sorry you're going through all this. Here's my suggestion. You already have everything packed up.........first thing in the morning, get out the classified and find your OWN PLACE. Far, far away from these two abusive a**h***s. You are obviously an intelligent, motivated, hard working, thoughtful woman. What do you need with a pot smoking, booze guzzling, no-life abusive loser like your boyfriend? He's treated you like total #####........that is NOT LOVE. Love is NOT: putting someone down, calling them names, treating them badly, playing head games, blaming them for things out of their control, falsely accusing them of lying, the list goes on. He asked you to marry him last week? Good lord, the guy sounds like a party-face bum........husband material? Hardly. And why were YOU buying HIS plane ticket?? (nothing against you)........does he frequently get you/talk you into buying things for him, that he should be buying himself? SO groovy, you move in at Party Central.....one more person paying rent, which means the party boys have more money left over to party with. Do you really think that's a great environment to be in? I mean, geez........your own Mom can't even come to visit because it's such a crappy environment?

 

Maybe you can't afford to live on your own......but there are always decent people out there who are looking for roommates.......or those who have a basement suite to rent for a reasonable price. Please consider this. Both of these men, and these environments are TOXIC to your sanity, physical and mental health. Sometimes when women have been emotionally and mentally abused for so long, they subconsciously become brainwashed into: a) thinking they don't deserve better....b) their partner's abusive actions are the result of his "DEEP LOVE" for you (bulls***)...c) you are trapped and will never find anyone better. If things get really tough and you feel like you have NO PLACE to turn to, or go to.........call up your local Battered Woman's Shelter. I'm serious. They are open 24 hours a day.....you can talk to the women volunteers 24 hours a day.........and they almost always have room for women in crisis. You can get their number by calling up the NON-EMERGENCY Number of your local police department (they won't ask why you need it, trust me)....or call up your local Hospital and get it from them. You are being ABUSED, and you have been for some time. The women who volunteer and counsel at these Shelters.......they have been victims of abuse themselves. They *KNOW* what a woman in your position is going through. They're not going to tell you what to do, but they will seriously help you figure out your options........they provide many service..........One of the ones in the town I lived in, they even had volunteers who would help a woman move (they provide the truck and the people to help move the boxes) if she had to get out of a bad situation. They very possibly could help you find a safe place to live. PLEASE. Do this for yourself. It sounds like you are really all alone there..........and sometimes when you're all alone, you make poor decisions because you feel pressured and scared.

 

If you ever need to talk to someone who's been in a similar position, write me: <e-mail address removed>

 

OR...feel free to post here at ANY TIME! You need support, and please know.........we DO care. Laurynn