To grovel or not to grovel?

[MoooOinkBaaa]

She's gone!

[r321148]

I can't live anymore I feel so bad I can't stop crying my jaw and cheekbones hurt from the pain. My friend is depressed and we live together but never talk. I live in this small room with white walls, I have no family except my mum and little sister/brother. I have no future. I miss my ex so much so so much I thought things would get better but it's getting worse I just scored 82% on a depression test.

 

You need professional help. Seriously. Depression is not something to ignore and you need to break the cycle. Go see a doctor and get yourself proper help before you get too far into this. It will help you. Good luck

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I'm not going on drugs, I feel better today. I posted that during a breakdown, it looks really silly now. I'm on a rollercoaster ride right now.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

It's been five weeks now and I'm still crying, I thought I was doing okay but everynight I realize I'll never get to see her again, like tonight. Tonight I just want the world to end.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's been five weeks now and I'm still crying, I thought I was doing okay but everynight I realize I'll never get to see her again, like tonight. Tonight I just want the world to end.

 

Ride it out. The ups and downs will happen. As time goes on your ups will be more up and your downs will be less down. Are you being active? Making friends, starting activities, working out?

[MoooOinkBaaa]

The only friend I have is not a good friend at all, he even made fun of my break-up. I don't even have anyone to talk to online, I'm not on any social network sites, don't wanna be. I just live alone in this flat in a tiny room, I don't care about any of that though. I could be on holiday in the Caribbean, I'll still be depressed about my ex. Everytime I see or say the word ex when referring to her it upsets me so much that she's my ex.

 

I've been going to gym but that's only for 45 minutes. I kind of had some hope when I found out she dropped her new drinking buddy friends, specially one of them who turned into a backseat driver for our relationship.

 

But tonight she posted this on tumblr. Sounds like she's over me then

 

"Finally dragging myself out of the hole I was letting myself fall into but in order to do it, I’ve stopped caring about a lot of things that got me down. I don’t want to stop caring over all, but at the moment I’m just comfortable in my own company and spending time with my dad till I have to move out again. I wish things could be different with one person, I am glad another showed their true colours so I was rid of them quickly and I am finally settling down about my ex. I still have a lot of self esteem issues to work through, but hopefully my usual S.A.D won’t drag me back down come November"

 

and yeah i'm gonna check her tumblr/twitter because I'm too weak not to.

Edited October 17, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Well for the last week and a half she didn't post anything that upset me so I was doing okay. I was just hoping hoping she was calming down. All I spend my time doing is reading this forum, googling about break-ups like, my ex wants to get back, i still love my ex, i regret dumping my ex etc.

 

Nobody understands how I feel which is the worst, nobody could possibly know how much I miss her. I don't sleep until 4am and I don't ever want to get out of bed. I don't know what I'll do once I find out she's with someone else in the future...

[Minneloa]

You're wrong that nobody understands how you feel. Most of us on this forum have been heartbroken recently. But at some point, you have to take some steps in a positive direction. You can't depend on her, what she does or does not do/post, to make you feel better. That's why most people here recommend No Contact: because it gives you space and time to heal without the influence of your ex.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

M.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I understand everyone's been through pain but I can't truly understand other peoples either, it's too much of a personal feeling how much you loved someone.

 

I can't believe how much she used to love me, she would rather die than not be together. I still feel this way but she doesn't, I can't believe it.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I must be a really weak person I feel like I'm going crazy, everything feels slow, I don't have any spirit to do anything. She's moving into her own house soon so I won't even know her address, I don't know her phone number, she blocked my e-mail. I'll never see her again. I just want to die.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

That's what I mean, nobody can help because nobody can bring her back. I hate love, you get hit out of nowhere and end up on your own. I don't know how to deal with despair, nobody taught me how to sleep at night with a broken heart.

[lylat333]

I agree with aspiringuitarheroine, a lot of us have gone through similar feelings. OP, I have both left someone only to regret it deeply and was also left in the cold when I put my heart on the line and then given the silent treatment with my recent ex.

 

We've said it countless times, but continuing to check her social networking is killer. I remember how even when I didn't see anything positive/negative, I still felt like **** the rest of the day after checking my ex's Facebook after we broke up. It tears up so much progress/healing you may have otherwise made. I went from checking it every 10-15 min. to not having visited her profile for over a month now. It is possible, you just have to make the firm, solid decision with yourself.

 

I vividly remember seeing my other ex put up a simple status about liking ice cream and it made me want to die. There's nothing your ex can put on her social networking that's going to make you feel better. You hoping to see she misses you? As I said before, if she ever gets to the point she misses you and wants to get in touch she'll do it whether you're stalking her online or not.

 

You and I are very, very lucky we don't have to live near or even work with our exes. You have the luxury to block her out of your life and NEVER have to worry about seeing any new information about her until you've moved on if you so choose to. And there is no good reason why you can't make that choice.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, what you are going through sucks, but you are only hurting yourself by a) checking her social media and b) not making any efforts to meet people or engage in activities/projects. Healing is something you have to be active in -- being a recluse that stalks social media is going to keep you down.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

That's really good advice but I can't stop looking at it, I have no idea how you stopped. She posts on twitter like it's her personal diary. I check it to see if she's changed, met anyone else, if she misses me.

 

If she posts normal stuff it doesn't bother me, this post about moving on did though. I hope she has a relapse and does miss me because I have so much to give. She thinks I'm someone I'm not, she thinks I don't love her.

 

I don't think she's ever going to come back, her life is about to change once she moves into her new house.

 

Living 300 miles away is a double edge sword. I won't get the chance to bump into her, to show her how much I've changed. We won't get to talk face to face to properly express our emotions. She feels so unreachable.

 

I keep reading through her break up messages trying to make more sense of it. She mostly talked about me not accepting her, and that's what she posted a lot on twitter. I told her she can get tattoos I don't care, that's what that was about. But then she says how she misses me but doesn't want to be with me.

 

This is the LAST message I got from her, I never replied to it.

 

I might reply to this properly later. I might not. Just wanted to say, that didn't you ever think that I KNEW you checked my twitter? That I didn't put a lot of thing in this past year in the hope you'd see them? Because they were a cry out to you directly, not too other guys, who I don't really give a **** about, and when they replied to my tweet I'd blow them off, but just too you. Anything before August was more than likely for your benefit. In fact, it was. When I used to say 'I need hugs' on twitter, or if I said I was sad, then it was because of you, or I wanted a hug from you. Now-a-days, its still not a general throw out there comment, I don't want to crawl into the arms of the nearest guy, people have to earn that ****. I don't even want a relationship, or to sleep with anyone else right now. I miss you but I don't want to be with you any more. I don't hate you, I just pretend too because its easier for me. It still hurts me too, but so did all the other **** you did and right now, I can't forget all the pain you've caused me in the past. I might talk about it with you tomorrow. I'm too depressed to talk about anything today

 

Someone please tell me there is hope? Why would she post hurtful things if she knew I was looking? I'm not talking about other guys like she thinks I meant. Worse thing is I saw this break-up a month in advance, I saw her posting about it on Twitter, why didn't I do something

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, you aren't going to get better if you keep reading breakup messages and doing what you are doing. You haven't started No Contact yet, as every time you check her tumblr (whatever the hell that is), you break it. As far as how I stopped checking social media, I got sick of seeing things and feeling like sh*t afterward. I just said "enough" and stopped and blocked as much as I could. You can stop whenever you want to, you just would rather feel like crap right now.

[lylat333]

OK, so she sent you that message, but it was in the past, right? Right.

 

Even if she sent you that message yesterday, all the more reason to NOT check her twitter. The best things to do in these tough situations are often the most counter-intuitive. I promise, promise, promise giving her attention will not make her miss you.

 

My ex is essentially unreachable as well even though she only lives 45 min. away from me. As far as I'm concerned, we'll never see each other. She'll never bump into me and "see how I'm doing". I don't WANT to bump into her, or her friends.

 

OP the nice thing is that there's very little, if anything we dumpees do that has any effect on the dumper. They have their own set of stuff to work through, and it doesn't happen overnight. If anything, the only control we have is setting things back. Even if you worked out every day and volunteered at an animal shelter and nursing home and your ex could somehow know about it, I really doubt it would bring her back any faster than if she didn't know anything at all about you. You do the positive things in your life for YOU, not because it's a thinly-veiled attempt to get your ex back.

 

Because when someone begins to wonder about you - they consider worst-case scenario - that you have been productive, have moved on, and don't think about them anymore.

 

You want to know how I stopped checking her Facebook. Well, yes, I blocked it as I mentioned before. And you say, "but twitter's public, it's too easy." Wrong. I have an alt FB account I created years ago for a Facebook game. I will admit I've used it to check on my original ex who has since blocked me. (I shouldn't do it, but it doesn't hurt or feel like an emotional setback. It doesn't bother me to see her happy) I could easily, easily, easily check my recent ex's profile while signed onto my alt account. But I don't. Why? Because I know it's not good for me, simple as that. It might help to say it aloud to yourself: "Checking my ex's twitter is not good for me and I will be better off if I stop checking it." or, "I need to heal and if I stop checking my ex's twitter once and for all, it will be the best thing for me."

 

The only thing standing between you and this huge helpful step is making that firm decision in your mind. Once you make it clear to yourself it would help you, it will make it so much easier. Like Yoda, yeah... "Do or do not, there is no try." There is no moment of weakness where you give in. You sober up and say, "No. No more."

Edited October 17, 2013 by lylat333

[todreaminblue]

I am going to say something different and say go salvage......why do i think you should....because she cares about you...you care about her..seems simple to me that you keep in contact...........but whatever you did hurt her....so it takes time to realize it wont happen again......by you showing her that ...respect her space give her time but check in once a week...eb there if she needs to talk ...show her that person you say you are not...let her see that.....how you make your mind up should be by how you feel and what you feel you should do , you know her people on here dont ...ultimately you will choose what you feel is right..if she ever says to you do not contact me again leave me alone...then it is over unless she has a change of heart and contacts you do not under any circumstances contact her first after that.........good luck ...deb

[Simon Phoenix]

I am going to say something different and say go salvage......why do i think you should....because she cares about you...you care about her..seems simple to me that you keep in contact...........but whatever you did hurt her....so it takes time to realize it wont happen again......by you showing her that ...respect her space give her time but check in once a week...eb there if she needs to talk ...show her that person you say you are not...let her see that.....how you make your mind up should be by how you feel and what you feel you should do , you know her people on here dont ...ultimately you will choose what you feel is right..if she ever says to you do not contact me again leave me alone...then it is over unless she has a change of heart and contacts you do not under any circumstances contact her first after that.........good luck ...deb

 

No disrespect, but this would be absolute disaster.

[Mariposa10]

We do understand what you're going through!! I lost my appetite something that had NEVER happened to me before. I couldn't sleep at night, I would wake up in the middle of the night wanting all to just be a nightmare. I would cry as soon as I would be alone. I started getting nauseous because of all the anxiety I was experiencing ALL THE TIME. I was actually getting physically sick. But now all of that is gone, how? Time helped me. Accepting things and focusing on myself helped me.

 

Our exes are only thinking about themselves. We also have to do the same. You were with her for 8 years, I think it'll take at least 6 months for you to start feeling better. Don't be so hard on yourself. Make friends, re-connect with all friends.

 

Aren't you curious to see how you are? Aren't you curious to discover who you can be? Getting out of a long term relationship is like starting to live a new life.

[thompson]

Hey Bro, Don't where you are with right now, but groveling to anyone is not the thing to do. The best thing you can do is stop contact. Right now she is in control of the situation...she has something you want, HER. I promise if you leave her alone, no texting, calls or contact of any kind she will likely wonder what you're up to and get a hold of you. If she doesn't then move on. Yea, You effed up. Done that myself and yea it hurts. We feel such despair that we feel like we need to fix the situation somehow. Let it go FOR NOW. The more you push her the farther she will move away from you. So my best advice is to chill, find a hobby, go work out...make your arms huge and stomach muscles ripped. Do something for yourself. Good Luck bro.