To grovel or not to grovel?

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I mean she said I don't 'think' I do. It sounds like she doesn't know for certain what she wants.

 

I know she's rejecting it but don't I have a lot of making up to do?

 

http://www.relationshiptalk.net/i-took-my-ex-girlfriend-for-granted-4240024.html

 

Did you read the last three posts on this forum written by women regarding the same situation?

 

I'm not even on FB, I wish I could block her twitter but it's always going to be there. I'm always gonna check it because I'm not angry at her for breaking up. It's just right there, you can't NOT check it. It's going to hurt me so much checking it in the future.

 

Our communication even broke down over the last year because of her Twitter, I already knew everything about her life. When I would miss her or we had a little fight, I'd check her twitter. I think I've actually checked her Twitter everyday for the last year. I know that's really bad and stalkerish but I just can't help it. I do fully trust her it's not a trust issue. So some things she wrote on their that hurt me I couldn't bring them up and they'd fester in my mind, it affected our relationship. It was fine when we were together but not apart.

 

Why did you break-up btw? That's nearly as long as us. I do appreciate peoples opinions. I'm just in a state of shock and want to fix everything .

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Can someone please read these tweets, do you think it's truly over?

 

She posted this on twitter today

 

"Sorry to anyone thats spoken to me this afternoon, I am very blah today. Don't worry, I still like you all, despite my lack of social skills"

 

Here's some other stuff she posted after the breakup, maybe this will help understand how she really feels? I think they are to do with me, not sure. Just ones I've picked out.

 

12th

"So this is what it feels like tearing some ones heart in two. Why can't things like this be easy"

"I has a sads, send me funnies. Or send me funny snapchats"

"Need to get out of this funk, get some food in me and go!"

 

13th

She retweed this "People who are unhappy with their relationship are more depressed than single people who feel lonely."

 

14th

I feel life would be easier and I'd get more affection off people if I was a fluffy cat

And my emotions are iffy today so more company would of been nice psh

In the end you don't have anyone to speak to but yourself

Time to shut myself off and pretend I don't feel anything again, put that smile back in place like it belongs there

My insides hurt, time for bed. Its funny how emotional pain forms itself into physical pain

 

15th

You will be pleased to know I am more in control of my emotions today AND I will be going to bed early/turning off the internet early tonigh

Thank god for some people at work, cheered me up, and seeing my mum helped too

I really need a decent nights sleep, not had much this week, down too a lot of things, some my fault, some out of my control

My perfect date would be to go to the cinema and then go for a chinese or Yo!Sushi afterwards

Le sigh, I need someone to eat chinese food with and watch nerdy films with followed by Family Guy/American Dad (we used to do this)

 

17th

Too much to process right now, Family Guy and American Dad then bed

I am tired. Then I go to bed to sleep. And suddenly my brain is like HEY LETS THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW

So after about half a hour of tossing and turning I have returned to my one true love: the internet

 

19th

Maybe I will be able to sleep a bit better tonight?

Sigh

I'm too emotionally sensitive tonight for normal music, and there is no one awake to cheer me up so Ylvis videos it is

 

20th (what does this mean???)

I hate this annoying feeling that I really want to talk to someone, but I don't want to talk to anyone

Maybe I just need someone new to talk too not linked with anything at home right now, I don't know

I know its not the right thing to do when you're sad, but tomorrow I am drinking so much vodka

Burn all the feelings away with vodka awwwwwww yisssss (does she still have feelings for me?)

October heralds the start of the physical reinvention of Katie

Not too much change, a little lip piercing and maybe some funky temporary hair dye. A tattoo in December

Small changes, but changes that will finally make me feel more me

I'm not the type to do one night stands, its fine for other people but that's just not me. Nor is **** buddies, meh, no sex for me everrrrr

Its nice to know I will be getting plenty of sleep tonight...not

After going to bed at half 1 and trying to sleep my brain has decided to wake up at 3 in the morning. Wide awake now (can't she sleep for the same reasons as me?)

 

21st

The awkward moment when you, the ugly friend, is the only one not chatting to a guy, and you just stand there looking about, bored (i guess she's trying to move on already)

 

23rd (okay here she calms down on her twitter (this is after I've tried to get her back) she hasn't mentioned anything negative.

I love Mondays, I feel so refreshed and more peaceful, despite only getting up after 1330. Going to read some blogs then get in the bath

 

*edit

 

odinseye stop trolling.

Edited September 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Zahara]

I couldn't read half of that. I think at this point all you need to accept is that she does not want to hear from you.

 

Understand that when people part, they will feel sadness and the loss of that person, hence her tweets but it doesn't mean that they want the relationship or you back. Dumpers have to process their feelings as well.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

It's not fair I just want her back :(

 

I don't want anyone else and now she's gone I have no reason to live. It feels like the whole world has changed now. I can't stop thinking of her, the smell of her, her hair, snuggling together, been there for her, been her "happy juice".

 

I just want to see her again, it sucks been in 260 miles away.

 

What if I just turned up on her doorstep?

[Zahara]

Unfortunately, life isn't fair, as cliche as it sounds.

 

Please do not show up at her doorstep. The fact that she doesn't even want to hear from you via email is enough to tell you that a face to face would probably be her worst nightmare.

 

Why are you so disrespectful of her needs and requests? You can't take no for an answer. We've all been hurt, rejected and felt that painful loss. What you are doing is obsessive. And she herself said you both are unhealthy for each other and you will certainly prove her right by going against her wishes and showing up unannounced.

 

She does not want a relationship with you. Accept it.

[lylat333]

Instead of trying to analyze a lot of vague details, maybe it would be better to consolidate the situation:

 

What has pushing accomplished? Making things worse. More pushing will continue to make things worse.

 

Don't do something that only hurts you and accomplishes nothing - e.g. checking her twitter. Yes, it will hurt more in the future. The solution is to block her twitter and don't look at it, ever.

 

You have made it clear how you feel, and despite your reluctance to accept it she has made it clear how she feels. You're in a bad place emotionally right now and when I've been there "acceptance" is a dirty word... it's OK if you're still trying to wrap your head around what's going on but at least work on eliminating the desire to fight. Though it seems counter-intuitive it's the best thing to do.

 

You showing up on her doorstep is a bad idea because it doesn't allow her to naturally come to terms with her own feelings. If she has any confusion in her heart or deep down still had feelings for you, it will manifest at some point but it's all her, not you or your job to manipulate how she feels. The only place you have is letting her know how you feel, which you have done. The next step is be respectful and let go. Your ex will never blame you for not trying harder - because she has made the decision to reject your advances. Just like you can't blame your ex for not trying harder in the past.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

So I shouldn't send her an e-mail explaining why I was distant with her over the last year?

 

It's just my father died when I was 8 and I've only ever had my mother. I had to live at home with her up until the end of August. She really made my life hell, she would say evil things to me. I always bottled it up but it made me distant with everyone because when your own mother doesn't love you and you have no other family it makes you think nobody else does. It just got bad in the last year living there. She would say really hurtful things regarding my dad to me. Everything she said to me affected me because she was my mother and some days I just wanted to kill myself.

 

The very mention of her name to my older sister upsets her. I sometimes told my ex I can't talk about why I'm upset. I just couldn't talk about it and I bottled it all up.

 

I want to tell my ex why I couldn't reply to her e-mails some days, why I was distant when I visited her for the first days. Because I had to reverse my emotional gears from being messed up at home. But she truly made me happy when we were together and I always made her happy. Then I'd return home and slowly our communication would die because of the abuse I was under. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I'd try and reply to her e-mails but I'd stop replying in the middle of a conversation because I was so angry/upset by my mother.

 

She said she had doubts about our relationship for a while. I know exactly why.

 

Is there any point in even saying anything about this? I just want to let her know why I was an ass sometimes and that it wasn't her fault. I want to tell her how amazing she is, she doesn't have a bad bone in her body. I want to tell her the next guy is the luckiest in the world.

Edited September 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Copelandsanity]

1) You need to spend some time alone and figure out your life. Or see a therapist/counselor. You have personal issues to iron out. You're not ready for a relationship.

 

2) If anyone I date in the future is active on Twitter, I'm going to dump her ASAP

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Yeah I'm not going to mention that to her then, she'll run a million miles. I'm much better not I'm living away from her though, the only problem was her and now she's removed.

 

Yeah I hate twitter now, wish it was never invented.

 

I want my to hold her again so bad :(

 

Should I just go NC now without saying so? What if she thinks I'm not bothered or that I'm waiting for her? Shouldn't I send her a message saying I got to stop kidding myself and say I'm gonna stop sending stupid emails?

Edited September 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Zahara]

I believe no matter how much you try to explain or justify why you behaved the way you did, you have to understand that her feelings NOW have changed. What happened in the past can't undo what she feels in the present. Just because you have an explanation doesn't mean she's going to have a change of heart.

 

You need counselling/therapy. Blaming everyone and allowing everyting around you to influence you to be destructive in your own relationship is an indication that you are ill-equipped to be in any sort of relationship until you can see yourself finding your emotional maturity and stability.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

Yes, you go NC. She has already told you to stop emailing her therefore she is anticipating silence from you.

[lylat333]

Is there any point in even saying anything about this? I just want to let her know why I was an ass sometimes and that it wasn't her fault. I want to tell her how amazing she is, she doesn't have a bad bone in her body. I want to tell her the next guy is the luckiest in the world.

No, because even though I barely know you I feel extremely confident she already knows how you feel. She knows your mom was abusive and instead of you rehashing all that out again, trust that she knows in your heart what you 2 had.

 

If you hope to reconcile, one of the worst things you could possibly say is the next guy is the luckiest in the world. She will not pity you for saying it and boosting her ego will only drive her further away. People come back when begin to second-guess their decisions - you broadcasting you were an ass, it wasn't her fault, she doesn't have a bad bone in her body, etc. will not elicit the response you are hoping for. Instead of thinking, "Oh, I shouldn't leave a guy who sees how great I am" she will think, "I am an awesome person - I deserve better!" BUT you really don't need to concern yourself with any of this right now... I am only telling you so you will hopefully not continue to press and pressure her.

 

Copelandsanity, agreed. The immature mind games, fishing for attention, and emotional neediness that stems from Twitter, Instagram, and even FB is horrible.

[GorillaTheater]

Shouldn't I send her a message saying I got to stop kidding myself and say I'm gonna stop sending stupid emails?

 

Send a stupid email saying you won't send any more stupid emails? No.

[Zahara]

You want to send her a stupid email to tell her you will stop sending her stupid emails? Now you're losing it.

[lylat333]

Shouldn't I send her a message saying I got to stop kidding myself and say I'm gonna stop sending stupid emails?

I don't know how many times I or anyone else has answered this, but the answer is a clear NO. Stop thinking about using language to her like, "kidding myself" "stupid emails"... only works on TV or in a movie. NC means you are done (i.e. seriously, already done, cut the melodrama) trying to do or say anything to let her know how you feel or get a response from her.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

lylat333 - thanks for the advice, you just saved my ass. She doesn't know half the story with my mum but I won't say anything about it.

 

The no contact thing is so hard. I would of worked with my original e-mail I sent her...

 

Ugh, sorry about that. Ignore everything I wrote in those last two e-mails, I was just in a state of shock.

 

It sounded like a cliche but now I believe what you're saying, you've always been honest with me in the past.

 

If you really don't want a relationship with me then I guess I need to realize there is nothing much I can do now. I wish I could work some sort of magic but I just can't. I don't want to make it hard by throwing all my emotions around.

 

Well I do hope you find yourself. Everybody needs to find themselves. I hope it's the real you you're looking for and not running from. I hope you find what you want. I wish I could be there for you but I guess you need to do it on your own. The mind is a ****ed up thing.

 

I know who I am already, I'm just me. I'm comfortable with myself, I think that's just natural to me. I just have to be strong right now and not write stupid things. You're right I've been a Mr Hyde in the past, I've been thinking a lot about how I acted when you wrote that. I'm going to use my freedom to try and work on making myself a better person. I still go to my mums sometimes, she decided to help me in the end and we talk again now.

 

Then I started sending stupid **** like this...

 

Are you there? I have to contact you. I'm finding it hard, I keep having this sense of hope that's keeping me going. I realize why you had enough of me and you want to cut me out. I was terrible over the last year. I really made a HUGE mistake by not keeping in contact with you. I read our e-mails and I was such an arsehole, never there for you. Sometimes I need to be reminded to be grateful for what I have. I just want to make you happy again and be your angel.

 

Then it got worse me trying to be sweet with her, sending her goodnight e-mails so now just stopping is weird. Surely I should say something about my other e-mails? She will just think I gave up! I know I know, don't send a stupid e-mails saying I'm not gonna send stupid e-mails but what if it wasn't a stupid e-mail this time? Just want her to know I've realized it's truly over.

 

and nobody said anything about this thread http://www.relationshiptalk.net/i-took-my-ex-girlfriend-for-granted-4240024.html

 

They are against no contact???

Edited September 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Zahara]

SHE HAS ASKED YOU TO PLEASE STOP EMAILING HER AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO DO SO SHE WILL BLOCK YOU. She wants you to stop contacting her. She told you not to wait for her. That means, she WANTS you to give up on her.

 

You want to send her another email hoping it will make her change her mind. Please stop this madness.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Yeah I already know this, I've already contacted her after she said that so that's out the window now.

 

So what if she's asked that? Doesn't mean she means it. She never told me NOT to wait for her she said she isn't going to ask me to wait. She said she doesn't know if she will change her mind. Isn't that leaving the door open a bit?

 

I don't want to send her an e-mail hoping it will change her mind. I want to let her know I've accepted the break-up now and I'm not giving up I'm just respecting her wishes.

[lylat333]

You're welcome, I owe LS for so much of what I have learned.

 

OP... I think you're going to look back on all this contact and see it in a different light. When we're hurting and desperate we have a completely different lens and what sounds perfectly normal to us sounds completely wonky to everyone else.

 

We think we are coming up with new and unique takes on what is taking place, but really the emails are beating a dead horse for lack of a better idiom. You are stuck in emotional hell, spinning your wheels in a place you don't want to move on from and your ex believe it or not knows exactly how you feel and where you stand. A great example is you ending your last message with, "Just want her to know I truly realized it's over"... if you look back on your email(s) you'll realize you've already tread that ground.

 

As for the other thread... LS is the superior interpersonal relationship center.

 

She will not think you gave up, that's nothing but a poor excuse to try and use to continue contacting, when in reality there is no good reason to continue contacting her. Like I said if you go radio silent and she comes around to ask what's up or why you got quiet all of a sudden, you simply respond you were wrong for pressuring her and realized you needed to stop talking to her. And voila, what you are saying would be lining up with your actions.

[Zahara]

Send the email and free yourself from this torment. I don't believe anyone can talk you out of it.

[lylat333]

I know I know, don't send a stupid e-mails saying I'm not gonna send stupid e-mails but what if it wasn't a stupid e-mail this time?

It literally doesn't matter what your email says if she's not being receptive to you.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

lylat333 - Yeah I'm gonna look back with shame most likely but look on the bright side at least I won't have regret that I didn't try.

 

If she doesn't think I gave up what will she think? Yeah that's a good idea if she ever does contact me again but I don't think she will.

 

I just don't get how she can change like that? I thought we were indestructible. She's been in my life for nearly eight years and now all I can think about is some other man holding her in his arms. I'm never gonna get over her, never gonna feel love for anyone else.

 

It want to tell her about twitter so bad, that I saw everything she wrote on it and how it affected us but I can't It's so bad cause I know but she doesn't know.

Edited September 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lylat333]

There are silver linings to everything. I can't pretend like I did everything perfect in the falling out w/ my ex as can be seen from my thread. All in all I would probably give myself a "B+" I can also go to bed knowing I tried and she knows exactly how I feel. I was guilty of calling my ex a time or two when I knew it was probably a bad idea and I feared it would only push her away but I was desperate.

 

I also went through the same feelings and even now feel attracted to almost no one else. It's extremely hard to meet people where I live, I live alone and don't expect to be in another relationship anytime soon, maybe not in the next year.

 

I will say I strongly suggest you block her twitter. It is the equivalent of continuing to open a wound, you cannot heal. Blocking my ex on FB was the single best thing I ever did for myself.

 

I'm flattered you wish to speak w/ me but I don't have Skype and am only online during the day, so LS is the best place for me. Most of the advice I have to offer is here in this thread... Take these important first steps to getting on the right track and take it from there is my advice.

 

Try to look at things objectively. You are both human, do not put your relationship on an untouchable pedestal. I'm sure you already know these lessons you are learning will be invaluable to you in the future. I hope you take our advice to heart, the contact is making things worse.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm not sure if you ever said how old you guys are? I really hope it's early 20s.

 

I think you need to realize that your month of stubborn silence read to her as a breakup. And a cruel one at that. If I'm understanding this correctly, that email she wrote where she poured her heart out (possibly drunk) was right in the midst of your silent period? And you didn't respond?

 

If she made that attempt and/or others during that time and got jacksh*t from you in response, at some point she had to conclude that you were done and that she had to be done, too. So she probably started to make progress on her healing. And THEN you came crawling back to her, acting all lovey-dovey, out of nowhere. That probably came across as really lame, confusing and manipulative. It shows her that you expect her to just bend in accordance to your every whim.

 

I had an ex who did the same as you... we had a fight, and then he fell off the face of the earth and went into full silent mode on me. I had no sense of closure or resolution, and I begged him for at least a conversation, which he didn't give me. The pain of that was one of the worst I've experienced in my life. I read somewhere that the sensation of being ignored causes the same chemical reaction in the brain as experiencing a physical injury.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

No silver linings for me. I seriously don't even see the point in living anymore.

 

Can I read your thread lylat?

 

I wish I could block her on twitter, but it's public. It's way too easy to just view at any time. I know I'm going to be looking at it forever, I just know it. I dread the day I look and there is a tweet about her kissing someone else, or worse a photo

 

I wish I never quit facebook three years ago. If these websites make it harder to move on then it might of saved our relationship! She wouldn't be able to forget me so easily if I was on facebook. It's like a two way thing.

 

Thanks for the good advice I'm gonna take it. I just don't get it because if it would of been me who dumped her and she did NC I would of thought screw you then I'm not gonna bother if you aren't.

 

I can't look at things rationally, we really had something great, something amazing but I screwed it up. I'm gonna hate myself for it now. It doesn't matter about the future now because I don't have one

 

Standard-Fare -

 

I'm 26 she is 25. No she poured her heart out six days after we had a fight and I told her to go away. She replied fine if that's what you want. So I think it was then she started to move on. Then six days later she sent me that e-mail. I replied almost a month later. I didn't see it for the first two weeks because I was moving out and didn't have internet access. When I got my internet back I checked her Twitter and she was saying hurtful stuff about me, and how I'm her ex. So I replied to her e-mail angrily and stupidly.

 

Sorry to hear about your experience with that. Did you try and contact your ex? This was the only time she tried to contact me, if she had contacted me again asking why I'm not replying it might of been different.

 

I know the sensation of being ignored now, she's done it to me for the last 13 days. I just break down crying at random points throughout the day. I wish I knew how much pain I caused her, I feel so bad and I regret not replying to that e-mail. It's hard to connect over words. If she had said that to me in real life and I'd of seen how hurt she was I would of just put my arms around her and said sorry, everything it going to be okay

 

The time she sent that e-mail was a really bad timing too.

Edited September 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[lylat333]

There is a point, I promise, but the blinders are on right now.

 

You're having a defeatist attitude towards her twitter. You are not resigned to check it. You are making the choice to continue to check it, even though you should know there is nothing beneficial will come from it. Do you want to make the choice to make up your mind to not check it ever again or are you going to choose to put yourself through the pain and heartache and prevent your healing?

 

As for what you said about Facebook, not necessarily true she wouldn't be able to forget you as easy. I think I mention it in my thread but one of the findings in a study that was done about online activity and breakups is continuing to be friends online resulted in decreased attraction and longing for the ex.

 

My thread tells a lot of my story. I went through the most painful hurt before I ever came across LS so where my thread picks up I wasn't a complete mess anymore, but believe me I was. It was so bad I adopted a dog the morning after I last heard from my ex, I couldn't bear to be alone and could hardly eat or function. I used to check my ex's Facebook every 10-15 min., it was horrible. I'm so, so, so glad I don't have to worry about seeing anymore unpleasant surprises. And since you don't live near her you don't have to worry too much about having her goings on being put right in front of your face.

 

I've went through 2 extremely painful heartbreaks. I don't know which one was worse. I know after the first one I didn't think I would ever love or feel truly "happy" again, but 7-8 months later it finally happened. You just don't know how long it will take or who you will meet in the coming months/years... all you're thinking about right now is getting through the day and that's normal.

 

My thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/414075-troubled-loss-relationship-nc