To grovel or not to grovel?

[Simon Phoenix]

Holy Sh*t, where to begin

 

1) The whole concept of "Well, she'll think I gave up on her if I don't keep after her" thing is stupid as hell. SHE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU HAVE GIVEN UP OR NOT BECAUSE SHE ALREADY GAVE UP. Honestly, she's not there thinking "Well, if he e-mails me 10 more times I know he really wants me". Each e-mail you send makes her more annoyed and angry. You are digging a bigger hole for yourself every time you contact her, so STOP!

 

2) I don't think you are really in love with this woman. If you did, you would respect her need for space and give it to her. You are extremely selfish. If you loved her, you would respect her wishes to let her go. And she wants you to let her go -- she's told you to let her go. Until she says otherwise, that's what she means. If she meant something else, she'd tell you something else. But if you really care about this person, you'll respect her wishes and stop trying to bully her into "loving" you. Honestly, the quicker you let her be, the better chance she'll end up with a positive view of who you are.

 

3) There is nothing you can do or say to win her back. There is no easy-button or secret password that will cause her to change her feelings 180 degrees back to where they were before. In fact, the only think you can do is drive her away more, which you have done an awesome job at doing. Honestly, if there was a "How To Completely Repel Your Ex-Girlfriend" book, you could write it. That's how bad you've been. It's up to her and her alone to change her feelings on you and the more you push her to do so, the less chance she will do it.

 

4) Everything she told you before the breakup is NULL AND VOID. All of our exes have told us how much they love us and cherish us when we were seeing them. But once a breakup happens, all of those things are irrelevant. Think of it like a computer. When a breakup happens, all of the loving things the ex said to you are put in a folder and that folder is put in the trash/recycle bin, therefore it can't be accessed unless the owner of the computer (the ex) decides to undelete it. But the more you mess with the computer, the more likely your ex decides to permanently delete the folder. If your ex hasn't permanently deleted the folder by now because of your awful behavior, she will if you keep acting the way you are.

 

I know this whole thing sucks and I know you want someone to tell you that your impulses are right, but they aren't. We aren't saying these things to be mean, we are saying them to help you. You are your own worst enemy right now (as all dumpees are during a breakup), and along from moving on, NC prevents you from inflicting pain on yourself. So please listen to the posters here -- if you've noticed, they've been unanimous in telling you to back off. It's not because they bitter or because they want you to fail. It's because they want you to move forward and ultimately succeed. The more you keep bashing your head against a wall, the more you'll bleed. And homey, you are bleeding profusely.

[Copelandsanity]

Right now, you're hurting and it feels like the end of the world. We've all been there. Please do not have any contact with her (in person, phone, text, social media, etc), allow yourself to feel the pain, take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. You are young and have your whole life ahead of yourself. Take some time to grieve and heal from the end of your relationship. Eventually, you will feel better and learn the many lessons we all have learned, which also include how we ourselves contributed to the breakup.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

It's too tempting to check it. I check it about five times an hour sometimes. Everyday. I had it on the screen whilst I was trying to sleep in case she tweeted something new. I'm not strong enough to stay away from it. One of my greatest strengths is my discipline but this is too hard.

 

I wouldn't be friends with her on FB after the break-up but I mean if I was on there whilst we wasn't talking, she might not of moved on from me. I suspect she moved on after 10th August. I came back way too late. It's shocking how fast she's moving on. I'm sure someone has been filling her head with negative advice about me, even though her friends don't know me and her mum likes me.

 

You adopted a dog? That sounds really sad I'm gonna read your thread after I post this. I wish my two cats was with me right now, I had to leave them at my mums

 

How did you stop checking your ex FB? I actually check my exs, I'm not on there but I logged into my old account last week. It's exactly as I left it. I changed my name to a random name so she doesn't spot me and I check everything on her profile then I deactivate my account.

 

This is so not healthy, but I can't help it.

 

How long was you with the first woman? Was that the one you was with for 6 1/2 years?

 

Reading your thread now, I'm going through everything you did. I have dreamt of her for the last five nights, I woke up with an erection because we were snuggling in my dream and really close. Then the loneliness hits me. I just realized I haven't had a one two since she broke up with me.

 

What's a gig phase btw? Just reading the thread now, it's similar to mine in ways.

 

Simon Phoenix - but isn't this situation different? Because she gave up because she thought 'I' gave up? I just took the advice from relationshiptalk, everyone saying fight for her. I was taking this advice...

 

Put your lazyazz pride aside, stand up and LET HER KNOW YOU LOVE HER, and KEEP ON LETTING HER KNOW in POSITIVE WAYS that you love her, (such as: flowers, love letters, nice calls, sweet complements...do you GET IT?????), and ONLY then, do you have a snowball's chance in hell of getting her back, but if it works, you and she will be so much happier because you finally acted like a MAN.

 

sheesh....

 

I do love her and respect her! I'm just scared of losing her, I honestly thought she would want me to fight for her, she says in the past she will always fight for me.

 

I WOULD let her go straight away but it's confusing because she thinks I gave up on her, so it's like well should I just let her go and give up on her so she thinks I really don't care? I was just trying to show her I still care..

 

Well if anybody says things like "you're stuck with me for life" "we'll grow old together" then I'm gonna put them words right back into their lying mouths. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her no matter what.

 

So I messed up on no contact, I thought if I showed her I cared and that I'm sorry everything would be alright again. Now it's 10x worse.

 

I wish I left it at my original reply, saying I hope she finds herself. Then I took that stupid advice about working my ass off for forgiveness. Why can't she just give me a 2nd chance? She cheated on really early into the relationship when we were 19/18 but I gave her a 2nd chance. That was really painful for me but she really deserved a 2nd chance. I've never had a problem trusting her after that, she is so trustworthy. I just wish she'd give me another chance.

 

"How To Completely Repel Your Ex-Girlfriend" That sentence made me smile. I wasn't trying to bully her but yeah I guess you could say I was. I was just trying to show some love.

 

You haven't seen the worst yet, I sent her this... I only sent it to try and cheer her up and be daring. She sent me something similar before when we broke up the other time! It made me smile.

 

I keep waking up horny as hell. I need your big sexy ass and your sexy face, it's been tooo long. How are you surviving?? Are you telling me you never want to see me do the willy helicopter again?

 

Well it's day 12 without you and I I've learned my lesson now so can you just forgive me and let me come and make it up to you. *looks at you all lonely and sad*.

 

I promise I won't ignore you again or hurt you, you know me how stubborn I can be but never again! I still missed you lots you know! I just want to make you smile again. I just need to make a time machine then everything will be alright again.

 

I hope these e-mails aren't pushing you away or making you hurt. I wish you'd tell me how you are feeling, I really am worried about you (yeah I know you don't believe that but it's true!). *hugs*

 

I'm going swimming today. Wish we could go together like we used to, remember how much fun we had? I used to carry you on my back and run down the pool and you'd fall on me and drowned me hahaha.

 

...........Awwwwwww

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

lol jesus I really am bad. So just go NC from that? She'll think I'm still in denial. Wish I left it on a positive note..... Surely it's a good idea to send one last e-mail, something like "I realized all these e-mails were selfish of me, I just wanted to fight for you and I was holding onto the past".

 

Don't go mad at me for suggesting it, but come on, it can't be any worse than the last one I sent?

Edited September 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Yeah that's what I mean, it's dead anyways so why not? Just something like "sorry for being a psycho ex, I'm just gonna respect your wishes now.".

 

Least that's a better message to leave off than the last?

[lylat333]

Surely it's a good idea to send one last e-mail, something like "I realized all these e-mails were selfish of me, I just wanted to fight for you and I was holding onto the past".

You have 2 choices man - you can stop the bleeding or you can make things worse. You can live with having made it 10x worse than it was before, or you can make it 100 or even 1,000x worse if you wish. I agree with what Simon said, if you continue to go down this road I don't believe you are in love with her, because of how extremely selfish and disrespectful it would be.

 

It's too tempting to check it. I check it about five times an hour sometimes. Everyday. I had it on the screen whilst I was trying to sleep in case she tweeted something new. I'm not strong enough to stay away from it. One of my greatest strengths is my discipline but this is too hard.

One of your greatest strengths is not discipline, and I believe this breakup will show you that. You are making the wrong choice by giving into the temptation to check her twitter. You can be a strong man with a backbone and resolve to never check it ever again if you choose to.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Oh come on it's not selfish to send this

 

"Sorry for being a crazy ex, I was just trying"

 

it's not pushing her into anything and it's a sincere apology.

 

I'm gonna check it because it's there, anyone else would. It's easy to block a facebook account, twitter is so bad.

[GorillaTheater]

Oh come on it's not selfish to send this

 

"Sorry for being a crazy ex, I was just trying"

 

it's not pushing her into anything and it's a sincere apology.

 

I'm gonna check it because it's there, anyone else would. It's easy to block a facebook account, twitter is so bad.

 

Go ahead and send it. Follow up with some flowers. She'll love it.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I got this up in gmail

 

Wow, I acted like a crazy ex. I tried to resuscitate our relationship but have only have succeeded in suffocating it. If you ever see a "How To Completely Repel Your Ex-Girlfriend" book, I wrote it.

 

No more stupid e-mails, promise.

 

Used some of the things from this thread. I got nothing to lose right?

 

*edit Not gonna send it, ugh so hard.

Edited September 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Simon Phoenix]

No, your situation is not different. And you are extremely selfish. Please keep whatever dignity you have left and leave this girl alone.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I don't think I'm selfish, I just love her and wanted her back because I thought she might still love me.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think I'm selfish, I just love her and wanted her back because I thought she might still love me.

 

If you loved her you'd listen to her. You haven't done that at all, you just keep harassing her. What you are doing is the definition of selfish, because it's all about you, you, you. You haven't given her words any respect or consideration.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

because I found it hard to believe she meant them words. i thought she would want me to fight for her. that was my intentions, not to try and bully her, but to show her i do care. i didn't know i was being selfish

[Simon Phoenix]

because I found it hard to believe she meant them words. i thought she would want me to fight for her. that was my intentions, not to try and bully her, but to show her i do care. i didn't know i was being selfish

 

So your idea of being in love is assuming the person you "love" was lying to you? All you showed her is that you don't care about anything but what you want at that time because you completely ignored what she was telling you. If someone was completely ignoring what you were saying and doing the opposite, would you think they cared, or would you think they were a disrespectful jackass? Unfortunately for you, you've been the disrespectful jackass (what the hell were you thinking with the horny note? My God!). But you don't have to continue to be that. You can stop right now and if you stop right now, over time she might remember the good parts of you and not the absolute garbage you've slung at her lately. But she can't do that until you back the fu*k off. And don't tell her you are backing off -- just do it. If you tell her, she'll think that you are running another one of your manipulative games on her.

 

Cliffs: Stop being stupid and leave her alone.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

no not lying to me. i thought that she thought I didn't care about her.

 

no i wouldn't think it was disrespectful, i'd think that it was hard for them because they loved me and now they've lost me and they tried to fight it. i only sent the horny message because that's what she sent me when i broke up with her a couple years ago. i was just doing what she did, because what she did worked with me. it helped me open up.

 

right fine i'm gonna leave her alone, you're right i'll look like an ******* if i send her a message. she'll think ffs please stop.

 

i was hoping she would think, he's trying and he is sorry. i wasn't playing any games, just wanted things to be back to normal

[Million.to.1]

Wow, 5 pages.

 

Dude, it's over.

Leave her alone.

 

get away from the internet and go camping for a week. You need to get out and away from your own obsession.

[Simon Phoenix]

no not lying to me. i thought that she thought I didn't care about her.

 

no i wouldn't think it was disrespectful, i'd think that it was hard for them because they loved me and now they've lost me and they tried to fight it. i only sent the horny message because that's what she sent me when i broke up with her a couple years ago. i was just doing what she did, because what she did worked with me. it helped me open up.

 

right fine i'm gonna leave her alone, you're right i'll look like an ******* if i send her a message. she'll think ffs please stop.

 

i was hoping she would think, he's trying and he is sorry. i wasn't playing any games, just wanted things to be back to normal

 

I think you are being dishonest with this, which is understandable because you are so far into it you don't know down from up right now. That's what you think you'd think because of where you are at right now emotionally, but odds are you'd be just as pissed as she was if you told a person to back off but they didn't.

 

I guess the lesson here is when a person tells you something -- listen to them. Don't make up scenarios in your head.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

yeah you're probably right. i really messed up, this is probs the worst break-up on here. thanks for setting me straight though and i'm really grateful you helped me out. i wish this place was real and i could meet you all and make friends, at least i'd get something out of this then. i need friends, she was my best friend aswell as gf. man we used to play oldschool PC games together like Gabriel Knights, counter strike, quake. where the hell am i gonna find someone like that now. she is so rare to me.

 

it's gonna be real hard for me cause i don't have any support to help me going. i have like nooo life either. she met new people this year and started going out to bars and clubs all the time and festivals. i'm just sat in a white room feeling like i'm going insane.

Edited September 25, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[loveiswar101]

it's gonna be real hard for me cause i don't have any support to help me going.

 

Firstly you have support here, I am like in baby steps mode trying to fix a similar situation. Got to read the big picture.

 

Firstly get of your ass read all the post again and understand what an ass you have been harassing her. She put across what you needed to do.

 

Give her space.

 

Fix yourself.

 

Message or email once a week with general conversation, no needy **** as she said you could.

 

Then wait and wait some more and more.

 

If you change you, she might change her opinion. But give it time.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I don't think it's harassing, maybe if I was sending stuff weeks after the breakup. It was still fresh, I was only human and trying not to lose someone I love.

 

I'm not contacting her ever again. I'm actually angry the way she's come out on top of everything. The stuff she tweeted in the past, she didn't care that I might read it. She hasn't had to deal with any emotional torment from me via attention seeking and flirting on social websites. That was the start of the downfall of our relationship, not me. Also I've said sorry for my mistakes and put down positive ways to fix things.

 

She doesn't want to fix anything, if she still loved me she would want to work it out after I've apologized.

 

She must of broke up with me months ago. Only now she's going through a breakover. She's trying to reinvent herself to help her move on. She blamed me for holding her back, screw that I helped her be the person she is. I gave her loads of confidence. If anything she held me back.

 

I just found out something new today from my little sister (13). My ex deleted her from facebook last october. My sister tried to readd her and she declined. What's the motivation behind that? Why would you delete your boyfriends little sister.

 

I don't think I even like her anymore. From her twitter she doesn't give a damn about breaking up.

[Simon Phoenix]

Firstly you have support here, I am like in baby steps mode trying to fix a similar situation. Got to read the big picture.

 

Firstly get of your ass read all the post again and understand what an ass you have been harassing her. She put across what you needed to do.

 

Give her space.

 

Fix yourself.

 

Message or email once a week with general conversation, no needy **** as she said you could.

 

Then wait and wait some more and more.

 

If you change you, she might change her opinion. But give it time.

 

This is a bad idea. He needs to stay away from her for months and let all of this fallout die down. Any and all conversation at this point will come off as needy.

[loveiswar101]

Fair call Phoenix. Think your right.

 

NC.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Yep, NC forever. She broke my heart flat out cold, she just wants to go full sloot now. The word love is like the word confetti to her, she just throws it around in the air for fun.

Edited September 27, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Zahara]

Yep, NC forever. She broke my heart flat out cold, she just wants to go full sloot now. The word love is like the word confetti to her, she just throws it around in the air for fun.

 

I think you need to take responsibility for your actions as well. When YOU love someone you don't ignore them for a month. Love doesn't treat someone that way. Your love is based on your terms. Again, selfish. You think her heart was not broken when you ignored her?

 

It's not about how she views love, it's about how she viewed your actions. She's actually mature enough to accept that you both are toxic and unhealthy for each other and you going MIA for a month, did nothing but damage it even more.

[lylat333]

OP I read some of another thread you posted in the past. How she started to want to be out more, do things you didn't want to do, and would go out with her friends while you stayed behind. People do change, evolve, "reinvent" themselves. Especially from late teens to early 20's.

 

Don't shift all the blame to yourself or her. You want to have an objective look on the relationship and learn from it. What you can do better, what you will look for in a partner from here on out.

 

I definitely agree w/ going NC indefinitely, but if you continue to check her twitter, it's not NC. It took me a while to learn that but it's true. You can't say you're in NC if you're checking in on her.

 

It's going to be hard enough to get over this and allow your heart to heal and move on even if you don't ever check her twitter or other social networking sites, but if continue to give into the temptation it's going to be an albatross around your neck as long as you continue to do it. You need to have a moment where you resolve once and for all to never, ever check it, ever.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I think you need to take responsibility for your actions as well. When YOU love someone you don't ignore them for a month. Love doesn't treat someone that way. Your love is based on your terms. Again, selfish. You think her heart was not broken when you ignored her?

 

It's not about how she views love, it's about how she viewed your actions. She's actually mature enough to accept that you both are toxic and unhealthy for each other and you going MIA for a month, did nothing but damage it even more.

 

I already took responsibility for that. If she truly loved me she would forgive me and want to work things out. I'm not selfish, I was trying to get her back, I had just been dumped, it's what people who love others do. They don't want to lose them and they want to fix their problems.

 

Yeah but I've explained my actions to her. I've apologized. It IS about love, whether she can try and work it out with me. She knows I'm going to check her Twitter and she still doesn't think about what I might have to read. It's alright for her she doesn't have that problem with me.

 

We aren't toxic or unhealthy for each other at all. We're a really good match and what we had was special. She just doesn't want to stick it out when the s*** hits the fan. That's true love, realizing each other has flaws and realizing everyone makes mistakes.

 

I think she already made this decision a while ago, when she got this new lifestyle and decided I wasn't to be a part of it. She just used this as a catalyst to break up with me. I'm actually pretty pissed how she's had months to get over it and now it's all just come down on me. Without any input from her. She's the one that is selfish, she even admitted it! She blocked my e-mail, because she doesn't want to deal with the pain she's caused me. It's way easier for her to give me crappy excuses and vague answers. She still hasn't told me who she wants to be. She said it's more important for her to "find herself" than it is for "us" to be together. I wish I would of sent her a flashlight and a map instead. Looking at her Twitter she doesn't even give a damn about this situation, she's already moving on to dating. She says I stopped her being what she wants but I'm the one who was always there for her, when the s*** hit the fan. I helped her believe in herself and I always picked her up when she put herself down. She used to say I always know what to say to make her feel better. She would say she feels herself around me, and she was.

 

Now she's saying I held her back LOL. There's quite a bit of BS going on at her side.

 

lylat333 - Yeah I came here back in July when I realized how much she is changing. But she didn't even know I knew about her new lifestyle. I let her go out and be with her friends on the 2nd to last night I was visiting. I was just feeling s*** when I came here and needed to vent. She asked me about tattoos and I told her how it was unnecessary and that a lilly doesn't need to be made beautiful. She completely agreed with me enthusiastically, so it's her own fault for not being honest with me. At least I was honest with her, not one of these guys that agrees with everything she does, then talks smack about it behind her back.

 

This isn't the first time she's reinvented herself though. Like I said though I already admitted I didn't like some of her new changes but I'll accept them because I love her and if it's what she wants.

 

I'm not trying to shift the blame onto either of us, I'm just annoyed how much she is playing the victim. I did some things wrong too but I'm not prepared to throw it all away. All I need to do is accept her tattoos and fix my communication problem. That was the only problems we had. Everything else was amazing.

 

I can't help but check her Twitter, she was my first love and I'm still in love with her. I don't think she believes that I am. I don't want to go NC on her twitter then cave in and check a whole weeks worth.

 

I'm seriously thinking of sending her one last message about this twitter thing. Just so she knows she had a part in this too. Cause this all started with her twitter! I had the FIRST doubts about this relationship. I've got nothing to lose she's not coming back anyways. But at least she might learn not to flirt, seek attention and backstab your boyfriend on twitter when you know he might be looking.

 

End of the day we both had doubts about this relationship but look who's still standing, me. It's my doubts that have come true! I'm the one who wants to fight for us, I made a mistake after seven years, she can't forgive me. So that one mistake isn't worth seven years of something special. She's the one who held me back for seven years until she found her new lifestyle, got her new confidence and decided she no longer needs me.

Edited September 27, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa