Sticky question with previous ex? Ex once removed?

[AnyaNova]

So, for a lot of reasons that don't usually apply, my ex (before the one that brought me here) and I were able to remain very good friends. Previous ex and I were together for over 10 years, and the split was pretty amicable and (I thought at the time mutual). (Sorry, this is long and complicated). It happened when I left for graduate school for the fall of 2012. I know that he expressed pain over my leaving, but I thought it had more to do with the fact that we weren't both going to graduate school at the same time, like we thought we would. So fast forward to now. After my recent thing--the breakup was in July, so I really don't know what to call what happened at the beginning of September--I decided that maybe the advice I read to go ahead and have a male friend (or female if you are male) that you can cuddle with (the advice actually called for FWB, but that does not fit into my belief structure or personality at all) can help you get over your ex much faster than you normally would. So after a phone call, we agreed that we would be friends with cuddle-only benefits. But here's where it gets complicated. After doing some research on some things, and putting it together with things he said, I realized and he confirmed that very much, when I left him, it was like I took "home," with him, and he talked about how devastated he was when I left. And I've put that together with just a couple of moments from when I visited him while in the area to visit my family this summer, from some comments he has made on facebook (which when I repeated to my mother, without me saying anything, she thought the same thing I did), and I am confused because I think he might want me back. Which I would not be comfortable with. Should I go ahead with the friends with cuddle benefits? I have already made a mess of so many things relationally, I don't want him to get even more hurt if I am right, but he adamantly swears even in light of what he just told me regarding when I left, that he will be okay with it. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

[Misfortune]

Friends who cuddle :?

 

I would stop being FWC with him since he seems to have feelings and you don't want things to escalate. If he has feelings for you then cuddling is way too close IMO. Find a new buddy or get a stuffed animal.

[AnyaNova]

We haven't actually begun so doing yet. I guess I am unsure, since he is adamant that he is okay with it, and since there have been no explicit signs of getting back together like saying, "I want to get back together." etc, how to broach the issue, or if I even should. I am torn myself on the issue because I do need some sort of catalyst to help me get over recent ex, and I'm just confused.

[Misfortune]

I would be adamant about "cuddling" with someone too. In your head it might be strictly cuddling and he probably thinks that it could be more. Idk, I say if you invite an ex to be that close to you again, something more than cuddling is bound to happen.

 

An ex would be better rather than leading someone new on, the new person will definitely want more and you'll need time to trust that person. I would go for it as long as everything is clearly laid out and there are no misunderstandings.

 

No other possible catalyst besides a cuddle buddy?

[AnyaNova]

Not at the moment, unfortunately. That takes time. I am very sure that me and my previous ex have the self-control to keep anything more from happening. I think I might go ahead and go for it, and just be careful and watch out for him, and make sure that there aren't any misunderstandings.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm curious how one even has that conversation to propose becoming "Cuddle Buddies"? I feel like that's not the type of thing people make specific plans for?

 

Regardless this sounds pretty messy, and like it has the potential to open up some wounds. You already have a sense that the breakup was more painful for your ex than it was for you, and that he may still be harboring some feelings. "Cuddle Buddies" is only going to make things confusing.

 

If an ex I still had feelings for proposed becoming "Cuddle Buddies," I'd probably go for it with the hopes it could lead to more and help us build a new foundation. I'd almost consider it more intimate than sex, since you can always just dismiss sex as "Oh, we both just needed to get off." Cuddling has the sweetness, the vulnerability.

 

I say don't proceed!

[youaremysunshine]

you were together for over ten years and it sounds like it ended for mostly circumstantial reasons rather than any great betrayal. it's highly likely that your cuddle buddy proposal brought up some good memories and affectionate feelings. I am surprised that you can think of being intimate with your ex without getting sentimental, you might just fall back into old comfortable patterns if you start spending the night together.

[AnyaNova]

At least in my case, I simply presented the idea and info that I read, let him know that I thought the suggestion might have some merit, and then asked him what he thought of the idea.

 

I did let him know to tell me at any time if it started to stir up feelings or get too painful.

 

Part of the reason that we were able to be friends, is that we were together for so long that the spark just died all together. And there really for me isn't any attraction.

 

Maybe the idea does make me a little sentimental, but there were also other problems with the relationship. No, there were no big blowouts or betrayals, just his anger issues and always feeling like I had to walk on eggshells around him. Though most of the time he was really sweet and gentle.

 

Wow, I really do miss cuddling.