Only a friend or maybe more?

[Sergeant]

So,

 

we are/were both international students in a foreign country. We got to know each other cause we study the same master program (same year - classmates). Over the first year we spend some time together - not as much as I would like to have, cause of my anxiety attacks and depression I occassionally went back to my home country, to visit my friends (safe haven), and everytime I came back I kinda isolated myself for some time and didn't do much with her or my classmates. But she usually contacted me on facebook and asked how I am (she knows I suffer depression).

To me she is the most incredible person I have ever met in my life, even though she is a few years younger than me (early twenties), but she is interested in so many things (sport, music, art, science, etc). Like me she is not the most social person, she likes to be for herself (not the most outgoing person - but neither am I).

Well, two month ago she moved back to her home country because she managed to get a 6 month internship and I decided to stay in this foreign country (2 flight hours separate us - so its not the world). Last month I visited her for 5 days and we had an awesome time together (nothing happened between us), but we enjoy each others company. We share the same values, sense of humor, we are both interested in a bunch of different topics and I for my part have to say, I feel very comfortable when I have her around. On the last night of my visit, I couldn`t sleep at all, I was constantly thinking about my departure and that I didn`t want to leave her - cause it felt like I would leave her for good and fear(ed) that I will never see her again. Before I left I gave her a hug - I was shaking like hell and she noticed it- and told her that I really like her and she is the most awesome person I have ever met - and then "rushed out" of her flat (there was another person, a childhood friend of hers who has a girlfriend) - guess he was the reason why I "rushed out" but I closed the door of the room he was in, and then huged and told her what I think of her.

 

One week after I got home, I wrote her an email, saying that she is the most incredible person and I would like to spend more time with her. The same day, I got areply back and her response is where it gets confusing.

Here is the repsonse I got: "I'm going to start lightly and say this is a very good email to wake up to I must say

Your "escape" did not feel like one don't worry, I could tell there was just too much going on and you needed to walk it off. In a way a letter is also very good, it might be easier and at least words are pondered, isn't that what you prone? I do think we share a lot of the same values and I really enjoy the time you spent in [city she lives in] too, I like that we can have serious talks and also have fun and talk bull****. I also care about you a lot and have a lot of affection for you. You too are a really awesome person, I wish you would know that so that you could let other people notice it as well. Cause I wish someone in [city I live in] would realise that too and would take care of you when you fail to do so.

You sent me a really good long email and I feel cheap to want to end mine here but right now I don't know if there is much more I can say. Just that I really enjoy our talks and that you are an amazing human being and friend to have and that I wish we will keep on sharing and enjoying each other's company for a long time."

 

This sentence "I also care about you a lot and have a lot of affection for you." stuck in my head for days and it still is in my head. She has a lot of affection for me,....but she hopes I will find someone in the city I live in.

 

After her respone I didn't contact her for a week, but she contacted me and asked how I feel and what I do and so on. For 2 days now we again have daily facebook chats (about random stuff - several topics).

 

So, I still feel left in the dark, she cares about me and has a lot of affection for me. In my head I came up with several explanations/reasons why she said that and why she hopes I will find someone in the city I live in. Maybe she does not want a long-distance relationship? Maybe she really wants me only as a friend?

 

I have absolutely no idea what to do. Of course I don't want to lose her company but I am at a point where I want more than just talking to her, because I really care for her. But shall I bring the topic up again? Shall I ask her if I am only a friend in her eyes or if she could imagine us being together? And if how should/could I do that? I guess asking her to visit her again could scare her away. Should I tell her if she can't imagine us being together than I have to stop contacting her (not as a threat but that it would be unhealthy for me if I continue messaging her when I have different conceivabilities than her - when it comes to our "relation")?

 

(When I would rate the facebook message initiation, I would say she is at 60% - she initiates the chats a bit more than me).

 

I don't know where I stand nor what to do. Insight welcome ;-).

[todreaminblue]

"I also care about you a lot and have a lot of affection for you." stuck in my head for days and it still is in my head.

 

 

that was from her

 

 

this is from you

 

 

I have absolutely no idea what to do. Of course I don't want to lose her company but I am at a point where I want more than just talking to her, because I really care for her.

 

 

 

if you combine those two together you have two people who care about each other who are unsure and tip toeing.....by using code i care about you ...i have affection for you she starts the chats more than you, yet here you are saying you care about her as more than a friend.... so with that 60 per cent starting chats......more than you.... would say to me anyway.......she is more invested in keeping you in the loop...so through deb logic....she cares about you more than a friend.......but the distance is an issue......

 

 

when I really really like a guy..... i would want him to be happy and find someone good and have a wonderful life....that is what i consider to be.....lol....more than a friendly feeling because with guy friends i have i mainly hope that they treat the woman they find with respect and love......

doesnt mean it wouldnt hurt or i could be around to watch it....i might say it....but my heart would be going crrrrrrrrrap dont think about it drop it drop it....lol....maybe she intends on moving to where you live...you never really know ....... she hasnt exactly said she wants you just as a friend has she......

 

 

she may treat you like a friend doesnt mean that she isnt interested in taking it further maybe she wants to get to know you as a friend but her interests go deeper......i think the only situation that will give you peace ...is if you ask...be ready for either answer...there are no guarantees

 

 

i do it straight up ...not into flirting......if i liek a guy i say i really care abotu you ...you mean a lot to me......and i like you as more than a friend which can freak guys out.....when they dont know me....i dont get rejected often though because i do know the guys normally pretty well, and they have already shown interest i normally am pretty cluey..... you have said it once already...once is enough.........unless they are extremely forgetful even then its not something you just forget ....so it is her move in all reality.........logically..you however should follow your heart....my advice would be to do what you feel is right........good luck deb

Edited September 25, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Lansing]

My gut reaction is that she is trying to be nice to you and doesn't want to hurt you.

 

How far are you "cities" away? Maybe she doesn't see it as practical to date you but based on the way she responded it doesn't seem like she sees a future with you.

 

Maybe next time you see her in person you could talk about if she ever thought about you two together/etc but what is the point if you guys live in different cities/etc?

[Sergeant]

My gut reaction is that she is trying to be nice to you and doesn't want to hurt you.?

 

Well ya, maybe she was just nice, but when I am nice to someone I wouldn't tell them that I have a lot of affection for them. I would say something like....you are a really good friend, but I wouldn't mention that I feel affection for this person.

 

And as I have mentioned in my text, she lives 2 flight hours away, so in total it would take me around 5 hours to get to her place.

[Polak]

My first reaction to her response email was that she was initiating a very polite friend-zone. But if I re-read the email, I'm not 100% sure... We know she cares for you quite a bit, but to what extent? You guys are like best friends: Can talk about anything, laugh about stupid stuff, spend quality time together. Maybe she wants it to stay that way. Some girls prefer that instead of actual dating because there is nowhere near the same pressure. And I agree with the earlier post about her not wanting to hurt you.

 

It's definitely an interesting scenario, but not impossible to figure out.

[Sergeant]

Well right now our texting conversations have become weird. All of a sudden she only contacts maybe twice a week. She told me she couldn't sleep for a month now (I guess the correlation that I left her one month ago is just a stupid thought in my head). I don't know if she is in the same state I am in right now....avoiding contact and not think of each other during the day.

I am not sure if my email 2 weeks ago and the fact that I told her what she means to me is the result of this sudden change.

But how can I figure it out? I mean having "the talk" about it on an online plattform is not the right way to talk about, but how else? I wouldn't even know how to start the conversation and if its even wise to bring up the topic.

 

Ahhhhh, LIFE....why are you the way you are.

[Polak]

I hope more people chime in on this situation.

 

To me, comparing her earlier email response to how she's acting now, she seems to be in some kind of thought-limbo, where she isn't sure what to do. She definitely hasn't forgotten about you, since she still texts you relatively frequently (2x a week, right?). Also, her mentioning that she hasn't been able to sleep for a month is a bit strange, did she specify why?

 

Best recommendation I can think of is to ask her if she's down for another visit. (You mentioned you hoped the suggestion for another visit wouldn't scare her away. You can always alternate plans, like planning a little trip somewhere close instead). In any case, if she's ok with one of those plans, go see her again and sometime during your stay ask her if she sees you two going farther sometime in the near future... Make it a clear question but also keep it simple. State your thoughts/concerns and then let her make the next move.

 

It definitely looks like she wants to be friends (based on her response). She keeps contact and still is friendly. The only thing you don't know yet is whether she is open to taking it further.

[Sergeant]

Well, thanks for your advices anyway Polak, but I think the situation just turned. Even though we talked about random stuff jnow and then she all of a sudden stopped replying. I didn`t even ask if she would be down for a visit. I just toled her that I plan to visit some friends back home (a different country than she lives in) and she asked "Why in October" and I replied "Why not" and mentioned some other stuff. Since then.....nothing from her anymore.

[Polak]

Don't take my word for it, but...

 

The fact that she replied "Why in October?" struck me as a bit odd. Naturally, if she didn't have an issue with you going to visit friends, she might have told you something along the lines of "hey that's great! have fun" or anything that would have supported you going there. Her response kinda seems like she isn't sure how she feels about it.

 

Anyone else see what I'm saying? (of course, I don't know what the other 99% of the convo was like, I'm just using what you posted to draw my conclusions)

[Sergeant]

The rest of the conversation was just harmless chatting, nothing more.

 

I am just confused that after my email 2 weeks ago where I told her how I feel about her, she kept contacting me and all of a sudden......silence.

I mean I really like her and hope she is okay. I don`t know if I am the reason why she stopped messaging, or if something else happened (maybe family, I don`t know).

We haven't spoken for 5 days now, and the problem that she is not only my crush but also one of my closest friends make the situation freaking complicated.

Since I don`t know what causes her to stop chatting, I am in the dark.

 

Maybe I should write her a small message and ask if she is fine.

[Polak]

Writing to her may be against what most people would advise you to do. There is a big thing about NC on here (no contact) which actually helps many situations from becoming increasingly awkward, difficult to handle, dramatic, emotional, etc.

 

I hope others share their thoughts. It may be that this situation is in fact turning in the other direction and she is losing interest.... but definitely give her a bit of space for now. She may be figuring stuff out in solitude. You never know.

[Sergeant]

Okay, even though contacting someone who "ignores" you might be against the "rules", I decided to write her a short email. I told her I miss our conversations and that I feel that all of a sudden things have changed (cause she didn`t reply anymore) and that I would like to talk to her, preferably face to face.

At the end I mentioned that it is up to her when and if she wants to reply to my email.

She did reply within an hour and told me that things in general are okay, but she doesn`t feel so. That`s why she decided to become socially dead for some time.

 

I take the fact that she replied as a "positive" sign.

[Polak]

I would agree. The fact that she replied is good. Now the question is how to interpret her feelings... did she explain why she decided to become temporarily "socially dead"? It seems vague that she said in general things are okay but she still feels weird.