To Juds

[Bren]

Hi Juds

 

I decided not to go meet with him last night - i decided that I was not strong enough. I know that if I see him soon I wont be able to control myself.

 

The police came around last night. I didnt answer the door, I won't nowdays - I guess they want to do some councelling, do you think??

 

I am so confused, I love him, but I love myself, why is this so hard.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this - I have friends here but they are biased and dont really understand.

 

Bren

[Juds]

Good for you. Don't do anything at the moment that doesn't feel comfortable. In time, you may be able to discuss this with him, but in your time. If he can't handle being patient, or understand that you need to be away from him, then that's saying something anyway, isn't it.

 

I'm not sure where you live, but as for the police calling around, I would guess that would be correct. I live in Australia, and as part of any domestic violence report and/or charge, they do follow up counselling to see how you are going. Don't be afraid to meet with them. I found them to be excellent, and well informed, and very non-judgmental. They know their stuff and can refer you to other agencies, if you need them either now or in the future. The only thing that bugged me was that they turned up in uniform, which raised my neighbours interest. As if I hadn't suffered enough humiliation without the cops banging on my door!!

 

I would strongly urge you to go and see a counsellor or somebody who is well trained in this area. The support will be invaluable. Very often they are women who have been through similar experiences, and can give sound and impartial advice. Perhaps you could contact your local women's movement groups. I know - sounds a bit feminist - but they can be fantastic in cases like this. Sort of a case of been there, done that.

 

One interesting thing that I will tell you, is that as part of the charges laid against my husband I had to see police counsellors for a period of time. The lady that I saw quoted me some amazing statistics about domestic violence. She told me that approximately 98% of men who abuse their partners will do it again. That leaves only 2% who will change their ways. Not really that encouraging is it?

 

Take care, I think you did the right thing. Keep your own sanity in the forefront of your mind at all times for a while. Don't concern yourself with his feelings for the time being - although he is sorry now, eventually this will fade for him, and you will become the bad guy for "dumping" him. Happens time and time again.

 

Look after Number One. That's my best advice. You're doing great.

[Bren]

I live in Australia too, Adelaide to be precise.

 

The police rang here at work today. They say they want me to press charges, their words "chuck him in jail". I dont want that, and I told them when I made the report. Now they are saying "it doesnt matter what you want!". Now i am scared.

 

ALSO, he just called, he said "its not over between us, AND it will never be over". He wants to see me tonight, I said no, so I said that I will call him. I have to tell him to STOP calling me at work !!

[Juds]

The police will probably keep on pressuring you to press charges against him. I chose not to - not because I didn't want him to face up to what he'd done, but because I felt that I'd been through enough already, and I also didn't want to antagonise him. I also didn't want to put my children through any more than what they had been through.

 

What actually happened is that the file was left open, and I had to go to counselling sessions. They then allowed me not to press charges. However, although it may have changed, I think that the decision ultimately laid with the police. They made the final decision.

 

I would advise that you meet with them and discuss your situation fully with them and present them with your reasons. They will help - try not to be scared. The whole situation is bad at the moment, but remember that you aren't in the wrong here. If they choose to press charges, then I guess really it's just the law taking effect, just as in any other crime. Assault is a crime. I guess they are trying to reduce domestic violence and make abusers accountable for their actions.

 

Personally I think that some heavy duty couselling would be a better option. Going to court traumatises the person who has been abused, antagonises the abuser, and really doesn't do much, in my book. I don't think that a fine and a good behaviour bond do much good.

 

My advice is meet with them as soon as possible, so you don't waste time and energy fretting over "what ifs". My second piece of advice is to stay away from the guy. Don't take his calls for the time being, until you are feeling more able to deal with this.

 

By the way, I'm in Adelaide too. How's that for coincidence? I'm 32, and the mother of four kids!! I'm now a sole parent, but enjoying life on my own. Have you got an email address? I'd rather not post mine here 'cos it includes my full name. I'd rather the whole world not know how bonkers my life has been!!

[Bren]

He asked me again to meet with him last night. I told him that I would meet with him on Friday after my councelling session. He asked me if I loved him - I told him I didnt know. He is sad about the whole situation, and he understands if we dont get back together. I just dont feel anything at the moment for anyone.

 

My email address is a work one - so I would rather not post either, but maybe we should meet sometime. What part of Adelaide do you live in. I live West, but work in CBD.

 

AND, this is probably the best news ive had for 2001. I am adopting a dog from the RSPCA. I pick her up on Sunday or Monday - not sure yet, if all goes well. She will be good security and also good company.

 

Let me know if your interested in meeting !

[Juds]

Hi Bren

 

Just got a new hotmail a/c.

 

Address is <e-mail address removed>

 

Hopefully I'll talk to you soon. Take care.