I want my ex back so bad it hurts

[nomoreofthat]

here is my story, which i posted under "commitment phobia" because im afraid he has a mild case of it:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t22246/15-3

 

for those who dont want to read all of that, our 1.6 yr relationship ended abruptly 2 and a half weeks ago. we have never had any problems. but he decided that he had "no more to give me" that he felt dried up. he says he still loves me and im still his best friend but this relationship is over. he was extremely upset breaking up with me. at the time, i begged and pleaded and he was very adamant in his decision. I still love him more than anything. we have something very special and im not willing to just throw it away just like that. the day after, i wrote him a long letter telling him that he really needed to take time to think about things. for about a week and a half after that, things were extremely awkward with us (we work together!). it was clear that he was feeling very guilty and upset, and i was just devestated.

 

a couple days ago at work, i came in in a much better mood. he responded well and we got along fine all night. we actually were joking around and stuff. i asked him if hed like to get lunch today. he said ok. he told me that it was really hard for him to make the transition so fast (i agreed) and told me that we should "take things slow" as friends. so i just got back from lunch. it was fine. we just had some casual talk. then i said something like "you wanna go somewhere or something..i dunno what we can do?" like walk to a record store or something, and he was kinda like he had to go. i guess i can understand though. still hurts. then we left, he even said something kinda playful like "get on to your car, crazy girl" and beeped real loud when he passed my car, being funny.

 

so i guess i basically have to leave him alone right? he knows how i feel. i know the feelings are still there. just give him time? almost everyone ive talk to about this, people who know him fairly well feel like he is very young and confused and with time he will most likely come around. I guess i couldnt expect things to turn around completely in 2 weeks, but damn it i wished. ugggh. its driving me crazy. i love this boy so much. any advice??

[alphamale]

Ever heard the saying below?

 

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

 

It is very true. You need to let him miss you for a while, say a month or two. Once you stop chasing after him then he will start chasing you. It is a game, albeit a fun game.

[LucreziaBorgia]

At least he was up front and honest about it. He told you clearly that it was over, and that he had nothing more romantically for you. I can understand him saying that he still cares for you, and I'm sure he does - but... not in the way that you would like for him to. It sounds like he doesn't want to hurt you, and is going easy on you by agreeing to spend some time with you. But he has spoken clearly to you: keep it slow, friends only.

 

I've heard a saying that "you can't go back to just holding hands", and to some extent that is true. Sometimes you can truly be friends with an ex, but as long as you are still holding romantic feelings for him - friends will never truly happen. All you will do is harbor a secretly breaking heart and console yourself with "at least he's with me on some level". If he does 'come around', let it be his choice to do so.

 

Now you have to make your choice in the meantime. It isn't fair that you be expected to sit around and wait and see what he will do. He's made his choice for now, so give yourself time to get over it. It will hurt like hell, but you have to stop cold turkey until you sort out your feelings, and he sorts out his. Pull the plug - your relationship is sustaining only on the artificial life support of your own hope.

 

Trust me, if he wants to 'come around' and be back with you - he'll definitely let you know. You don't want him coming back to you because he feels guilty or that its 'the right thing to do' or its 'for the sake of the relationship'. You want him to come back to you because he is madly in love with you, misses you and wants to be with you. That is a decision for him to make. You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't make the decision that you would like for him to, though.

 

You think about him constantly, it sounds like. The question is, when he is not with you - does he think about you as much as you think about him?

 

Sounds like a painful situation - sorry to see you are on the bad end of it.

 

Give yourself time. I hope things will work out either way.

[nomoreofthat]

alphamale- ah, i know what you say is true. I just hate playing this little game. I keep thinking that he and I are different, that were are above these games. but then, he is still a boy. as much as I'd like to think he is so different, he's a boy. damn its hard though. although i have not called him not even once since we broke up. id say thats pretty good. what do you recommend doing in the workplace? I figure just be myself but never show him any special attention. im there to work, not to socialize, after all.

 

LucreziaBorgia- thank you for your reply. I know that he knows how I feel, that Id do anything to have him back, so whats really the rush for him to consider anything? I have definitely just considered the idea that he just fell out of love with me, and I know this could be true. but I just don't believe it. because I can think of moments just a week before where we were together and having fun and he was so happy to see me. one night not to long ago (probably a month and a half ago) I awoke to him kissing my face and looking at me in such an adoring way, telling me that I was so beautiful when I slept. and the one thing I can say about him is that he is honest and genuine. how does someone lose romantic feelings altogether in a matter of a few weeks? he told me repeatedly during the breakup how much he loved me, but that he couldnt give me anymore. I think he became so overwhelmed with guilt built up over the past two weeks that he felt like he just had to stop and stop hurting me altogether. I can think of a few times when he would say to me that he felt like he wasnt making enough time for me, that he felt like a jerk, that he felt like he was hurting my feelings. I always comforted him and told him that everything was ok, and not to worry about me, but he always does. he has always been a complicated boy and has always thought way too much at times. sorry, im rambling. I was actually doing okay the past couple of days. I go through phases.

 

I definitely believe that giving myself time is the best and only thing I can do right now. I need to know that I'm ok without him in my life. that if over time his feelings never change, I'll be ok. and I know I will be. I know i'll be ok without him, but Id be great with him. and that hurts. but I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

 

im thinking of talking to a counselor. I think it may help me sort out my feelings and maybe even get more insight on what happened.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by nomoreofthat

alphamale- ah, i know what you say is true. I just hate playing this little game. I keep thinking that he and I are different, that were are above these games. but then, he is still a boy. as much as I'd like to think he is so different, he's a boy. damn its hard though. although i have not called him not even once since we broke up. id say thats pretty good. what do you recommend doing in the workplace? I figure just be myself but never show him any special attention. im there to work, not to socialize, after all.

 

 

No one is above these "games" and if you think you are then you are not human or have had a frontal lobotomy.

 

Yes, at work keep it 100% business and NO pleasure. Treat him like anyone else, as a coworker, don't be extra mean or extra nice to him and keep you contact with him at work all business.

 

Another thing you want to keep in mind is that if you both had pretty good sex then he will eventually be back. Men always return if the sex was good.

[helena abadi]

I sympathise with your situation. By appearing cheerful, you are doing exactly the right thing. Smart girl. If you had appeared weepy and hurt, it would have driven him further away.

It's a bit like martial arts, in order to defeat your opponent you go with the flow (the way he is moving). As we have read in many of the profound letters on this site, resisting the decision doesn't work even when every fibre of your being is screaming in agony. So act cheerful, act happy, agree with him, for the time being. Confide your hurts to girlfriends when it gets too much, but make a concerted effort to appear brave and resourceful.

DO NOT pursue him. If anything, go the other way a little. Remember, men are pursuers by nature. Don't be afraid of empty space. The breathing space will give you a little sanity, give you time to look after number one, and that's you, and it will put a little distance between you and the pain. Very tough that you work together.

Give yourself a time frame for things to work, or not, and when the situation is defused and calm, sit down and discuss your differences, more than once if necessary, and why the break up occurred. Unless new ground rules are implemented and conflict is resolved, you will end up in a repeat situation fairly quickly.

Also, long-term relationships are cyclical. They start with great promise, flower fully, go through a contraction stage of conflict and betrayal of promises (arguing and plain old differences), and then, if you're lucky, reach resolution where the promises and blossoming of the beginning stage can be experienced again. Ups and downs, in other words. The degree to which the relationship succeeds depends on the ability of both to handle these changes.

Acknowleging your grief is essential, we can't move on until we do that, but don't burn daylight. And don't hang around forever waiting for him to change his mind. The more you get on with your life in the meantime, the better equipped you will be to deal with whatever comes along.

I only know any of this because I've been through it, took time out to read about it as much as I could to find tools to work with before I fell apart at the seams. Good luck.

[nomoreofthat]

heather abaadi-

thank you so much for your reply.

we worked together again today, and we were completely comfortable. we had eachother laughing all day and he was teasing me and joking around. i love that we can still get along so well and have fun together. but my issue is this: eventually i think it is necessary for he and I to have a discussion about our breakup and for me to get a better understanding of what happened. but i dont want to do this and have it put more distance between us and ruin chances of a solid friendship. people keep telling me no contact, but he is the type that even if he missed me horribly, he would never call me cause he would feel like he broke it off and that was that. I feel like the time at work can be good for us, because it forces us to deal with eachother. and its an opportunity for me to fill all of the negative, weepy memories of me from the last week of our relationship, with positive ones. as far as our friendship goes, does he have to be the one to initiate hanging out and whatnot?

[helena abadi]

If you are at ease with each other, and it sounds as though you are if you are joking around at work, it seems that a time for a discussion is near. When the crisis situation is defused, and things are calm, it's easier to talk. More is likely to be achieved then. You are thinking more clearly, and all the turmoil is not in the way, fuelling over-reaction, and overwhelming emotions. I would still wait for him to initiate a meeting of any kind. The person who distances needs time to move back towards you. Any move you make now may look like pursuing him. But if you're still at ease with each other in a week or so, then maybe it will be time to suggest a coffee somewhere, to have a talk. Men don't like confrontational stuff with weepy women, so make it in a neutral, non-threatening setting. And stay CALM. My feeling is that many people, when they break up, are not comfortable in each other's presence for quite a while, if ever again. So have hope, but keep looking after yourself and putting energy into other things. There is a school of thought which says: if a man really wants you, nothing will stand in his way. They are pursuers by nature. Others need a bit of a nudge. Only you know which one he is.