My ex came back to me (how it happened)

[OJ loved Nicole]

First I'd like to say that this happened over 1 year ago, so quotes will be as accurate as my memory allows.

 

Quick back story- I was destined to be single forever. I was sleeping with 2 women when I met my "ex", I liked being single but there is an emptiness to meaningless sex. So I met Jen (fake name) and I thought I had a keeper. So I immediately ended things with the other 2 women, and became exclusive with Jen. We got hot and heavy FAST, love was brought up. Then one day I was going to work, I kissed her goodbye she said "you're an amazing man" and 3 hours later I got a breakup-text "I can't be with you anymore".

 

The breakup- She showed up to gather some things, I packed everything nicely for her. She wanted to talk, I REFUSED. I loaded her stuff in her car and I asked her to leave. I didn't cry, I didn't ask why. I was heart broken but I knew that all that matter was "I can't be with you anymore". No further talking was necessary.

 

The BIG change- I read 2 books (I won't mention them, I'm not advertising for someone else). The key thing I learned from these books is.

 

1.) Grieving is essential- A breakup is the closest thing to having a loved one die. You must grieve your loss, you must cry, you must get those emotions out. So I grieved for 5-7 days (you must set an end date, you can't get lost in it). Grieving must be positive "he/she is gone, he/she is not coming back", NOT "I want him/her back". Also you MUST picture your ex having sex in the nastiest positions with other men/women. This is essential. It'll make you almost puke in the beginning but by the end of the 5-7 day period.... the emotion brought upon by the thought of it will significantly diminish.

 

2.) Be selfish- YOU are the only thing that matters. Do what you want, who you want, how you want, when you want. 1 thing I did was: I chose to stop holding doors for people. I know it's a stupid thing but it made me feel different. Like I was taking control. Now I did a lot more than just not holding doors, I was just giving you a very small example. The theory is: before every decision you ask yourself "what do I really want?" then YOU do it.

 

The beginning of the end- I grieved, I was selfish, I was determined to get better!! I wasn't going to let her ruin my life. I decided that I WON'T WAIT 1 SECOND FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME!! YOU must make this choice!! So I joined a dating site and went on several dates. I wasn't ready for having sex with anyone else but I was DETERMINED to make progress. Color started returning to my life. I still thought about her, but I could slowly feel it fading away.

 

The comeback- She started sending me breadcrumbs. ex:

Her- " I have some of your clothes, I can drop them off?"

Me- "throw them away"

 

From LS I knew that the only thing that matter was "I want you back". She called to chit chat, I told her "I don't want to talk or be friends. I didn't enter into this the be friends with you. Please lose my number". She would say ok, but 1 week later more breadcrumbs. One day she sent me 8 random texts in a row. I responded "what do you want" she said "I don't know", I responded "delete my number". Then she just stopped by my house unannounced!! I slammed the door in her face.

 

1 day I gave in and went to talk to her. She broke down and told me she wanted me back and she made a mistake. I told her, and this is KEY!!

 

"I didn't break this, YOU did. I am not responsible for fixing this, YOU are. Even after that, I can't guarantee I will ever be able to trust you. Are you willing to do the work?" She said yes then I gave her my terms (things she needed to do) and gave her a time frame to get them done. She agreed and complied.

 

It took months of work to get things back to "normal". I had severe anxiety and trust issues. I almost broke up with her 1 month later. I didn't like how I felt and I was selfish (still am).

 

Summary- I NEVER begged, I NEVER ask why, I NEVER asked for an explanation, I NEVER contacted her, I NEVER drove by her house, etc. She is allowed to leave, she is allowed to be with someone else, she is allowed to not want me anymore. I knew from day 1 that only she could make the decision, on her own, through her mistakes to be with me. Nothing I did or said to her would bring her back, there are NO guarantees. My only choice was to move on from day 1. I couldn't wait for/makes decisions based on someone who said "I can't be with you anymore".

 

Sorry ^^that^^ was long, and it's actually that's the condensed version. I'm sure I'm forgetting details, I might add more later. I'm free to answer questions. I swear this is a true story, to the T! I NO WAY guarantee your ex will come back to you. I'm merely sharing my story.

Edited September 25, 2013 by OJ loved Nicole

[wizama]

good job. I need to be strong like you. Just yesterday I helped her getting info for leasing car. After she done reading, she didn't reply and said anything. I was so fed up and felt used.

[Justletgo]

Good for you =)

 

Try not to make her feel bad about it after she has done what you said, I made that mistake. And it made us both feel bad =(

Good luck!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I LOVE your approach, OP. You have a military/tunnel vision style of dealing with the break up. I've erased all evidence of ex out of my life and along with NC ...it's working. Out of sight, out of mind.

[OJ loved Nicole]

I'm not here to gloat, I promise. I'm not rubbing it into your faces, I promise.

 

My entire point is: you cannot wait for/make decisions based on someone who's decided they don't want to be with you. You can't beg/rationalize with/trick/convince someone they are making a mistake/they should be with you/change their mind. And if you do all that, there is still NO guarantee you will get them back.

 

I dumped a girl that I dated for 1 year and never looked back, never contacted her again. I was over it and no matter what she said/did, I was DONE. I kept that in mind when Jen broke up with me. I've also (back in 1998) begged/pleaded/tried to trick/etc. a girl who broke up with me to take me back. I regret that and wish I would've just walked away. There really is no other choice.

[OJ loved Nicole]

Try not to make her feel bad about it after she has done what you said

 

I used to bring it up, but not anymore. I told her this would happen and if she could deal with it and she said "yes". After a while I realized it didn't make me feel any better and it truly hurt her. So I stopped. I think about it once in a while but I no longer bring it up. You're 1000% right, it needed to stop.

 

You need to get your emotions out, but there must be a clear cut end date to the reminiscing. Either you stop and let it go..... or you can't get over it and you break up. I stopped.

[JoelBarish]

So are you still together with this girl?

[OJ loved Nicole]

I LOVE your approach, OP. You have a military/tunnel vision style of dealing with the break up. I've erased all evidence of ex out of my life and along with NC ...it's working. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Let's get this straight: I was heart broken, unable to concentrate on anything, wanted to sit in my bed and die. I did what I did to get over her because I didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I broke NC several time.... well, I mean I responded when she contacted me, but I NEVER initiated it and I wasn't nice/responded with 1 word responses.

 

First thing I did, the day she broke up with me is: threw away everything that reminded me of her, I rearranged my entire place. Placed pictures of when I was single and happy (before her) throughout the house. Taped inspirational note cards throughout the house:

 

-I am the only person I have to please

-I CAN handle it

-people love and respect me JUST as I am

-MY needs are most important

-I am lovable just as I am

 

And more. My self esteem was low and I'd read the cards, close my eyes and repeat until it sank in. The cards may sound stupid, but instead of negative thoughts running through my head, I constantly had great positive reminders everywhere I looked.

[OJ loved Nicole]

So are you still together with this girl?

 

That's irrelevant, but yes. It's been over 1.5 years minus 1 month breakup. But that's not the point I'm trying to make.

[JoelBarish]

That's irrelevant, but yes. It's been over 1.5 years minus 1 month breakup. But that's not the point I'm trying to make.

 

That is true. I was just curious. So let me see if I understand your point. The point you were getting at is if a person handles the break up right and goes NC, moves on emotionally, then there is a CHANCE for reconciliation down the road.

 

Most people get it wrong by irritating and harassing the ex to the point that the ex would never even consider coming back. Am I right?

[lauri]

I think what you did was amazing man.

 

Not because of getting back with the ex, but more so because of how you maintained the strength to carry on - how you made it all about you.

 

I wish I made that decision a lot earlier with my ex...mind you it was a long distance relationship and I just came home. I was obviously confused, but eventually it all snapped in when she turned her parents against me and I deleted her and didn't give her my new number.

 

All I can do is move forward...I wish things would have worked out differently of course but they didn't. I don't think I'll have the same outcome as you with getting back with my ex as she will never contact me again due to her ego and pride (and lack of interest now) - but at least I'm doing whats right for me.

[OJ loved Nicole]

That is true. I was just curious. So let me see if I understand your point. The point you were getting at is if a person handles the break up right and goes NC, moves on emotionally, then there is a CHANCE for reconciliation down the road.

 

Most people get it wrong by irritating and harassing the ex to the point that the ex would never even consider coming back. Am I right?

 

Yes-ish, but you can't even think about the "chance".... it's 100% out of your hands.

 

The best analogy I can make is: being broken up with is exactly like being fired from a job. If you cry/beg/manipulate/argue/etc. to get your job back.... you'll have NO chance when they start hiring again. However, if you shake their hand, thank them for the time, and confidently walk away...... they may or may not consider you when they start hiring again.

 

Going deeper- everyone has gotten fired, do you go home and sulk/cry/hope for them to take you back? NO!! You start bettering yourself, applying for new jobs. If (and that's a big IF) they try to hire you back, you are more knowledgeable, have a better job, and you're in a better place to make a clear decision on if you will go back or not.

[boogabstell]

Thank you for your post, it is just what I needed for today. My boyfriend/fiancé of 16 years decided to end our relationship 2 weeks ago. We still live together and have 2 children. He is very civil when it comes to our children but when it come to me he wont even say Good Morning. My heart is heavy and I feel like I am on auto pilot. We both have made mistakes and I really do not want this relationship to end. I am going to try to follow your advice and see what happens. Right now it just is so hard especially trying to maintain a positive atmosphere for our children. Thank you again, reading this post has for at least 10 minutes made me think about something else instead of him. Have a great day!

[Valen]

OJ you handle the break up perfectly. And it's precisely how you handle it that made her second guest her decision. This is usually how I respond to break up as well and on one occassion my ex came back too. But I rejected her, no second chance because I couldn't trust her again and I knew that.