4 months in......is this normal?

[lcwilson29]

Well it's four months since we split up. I've been through the rollercoaster of emotions, seen the things we shared together drift away. Like most on here, I've had ups and downs. Some days have been great, other not so great. I've never hidden from the realisation that it's over and had been for perhaps 18 months.

 

This last two weeks though I've found myself really missing my ex. Ironic as the divorce should be finalised within a couple of weeks. I can't seem to pull myself out of it. It's not a state a self pity, just a blanket sadness that won't lift, that covers everything. I've tried to focus on the differences that caused us to drift apart, the unresolved issues that we never addressed. Despite this, I feel like I've taken a massive step backwards. The strength I had in the months past just isn't there anymore.

 

I know that rebuilding oneself takes time and that it's not a straight road. This feels different though. I can't put my finger on it but it feels more. I just wanted to see if anyone else has been through this 'stage', if it is one?

[Monodare1]

I'm also about 2 weeks away from the 4 month mark, feeling exactly the same, a sort of emptiness inside, missing the companionship but not particularly missing her. It's hard and as I'm in the same situ, all I can say is we need to just keep plugging away.

[lcwilson29]

Hi. I guess you are right. Had we not got divorced, we'd probably be sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, simmering with things we wanted to say but didn't have the nerve to. Amazing how two people can start out loving and end up so far apart in a marriage.

 

However bad it was, I am missing a companion. I didn't think I'd react this way. I've got a few friends who reacted in the opposite way, throwing themselves into anonymous dating and to be honest, playing the field. I can't stand the thought of that. Nor did I ever think I'd say that.... It just feels like a great big empty hole.

[dumped2013]

Just continue reading this forum. It has really got me thinking clearer in my head. The only thing that helped me was I learned to be alone in the early 90's after breaking off an engagement. That was pure hell. I always had long term relationships all my life and never really learned to be happy on my own. It took me 6 months back then and I just remember waking up one day and it was like everything was suddenly alright. After that I did not allow myself to get into a serious relationship for another 2 years. I would date but nothing serious. That is the only thing that is helping me out in my current situation. You have to be happy and learn that it is not that bad being alone. It takes time but it will be worth it.

[Monodare1]

My ex and I were the same, got to the point that we only really spoke about our son or bills, she would watch her television programmes and I would sit on the iPad as I didn't like her type of tv, ended up with little in common and not much to talk about, gaping problems in the marriage but not attempting to fix them, essentially sleepwalking to divorce.

[hayewils]

hey there guys..

 

What you guys are going thru is perfectly normal. you have to take the time to grieve. I am just past the 6 month mark in my deteriorated relationship and I can say that things do and will get easier and better. You guys have to try to stay busy and focus on yourselves, as hard as it is and may seem. I don't have a whole lot of time to do the things I should've done but, I did manage to involve myself in some things to get myself around people..

4 months is still way early, the next couple of months you will look back and remember where you are now and you will see that you feel better. It definatly sucks to lose the one we love. Its hard to really believe that we were all once invested into something we thought would be forever. Take some time and reflect, learn from the past to make yourself a better person for tomorrow, just try not to over think things cause you will only drive yourself insane going over why it happened, what caused it, what should I have done or not have done... you cant beat yourself up. I know ive learned a lot about myself over these last few months and I recognize now what I was dealing with. marriage is tough, and communication is definatly important.. we should be able to talk to our spouse without fear of upsetting them, the lines of communication should always be open.

take a breathe, relax and things will be ok.. You are not alone on this site. Keep posting, read the advice that people give. this place is really great and folks are great too.. Keep your heads up, its gonna work out..

 

Scott

[dumped2013]

Mono, exactly my same story. We just lived in the same house.

Edited September 25, 2013 by dumped2013

[lcwilson29]

Thanks for the replies. I went into marriage with every intention of it being forever. I took the vows literally. Now, that whole future wont exist. Then add to that the realisation of the part I played in the disintegration of the marriage.

 

It does help spending time on here though. It's a massive support.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's not a state a self pity, just a blanket sadness that won't lift, that covers everything.

I'm going to disagree as I think it's self-pity in its purest form. And you know what? You should give yourself permission to feel that way, it's a natural part of a process that proceeds at different speeds for different people. At some point you'll grow tired of feeling that way and be ready for the next step. But right now you're selfishly grieving for something you've lost, perfectly normal feeling.

 

There's no benefit to pressure yourself to feel or act some way that doesn't seem right. There's no "post divorce grading process, he's dating after 3 months so he gets an A". Follow your instincts, go easy on yourself, take care of the physical being and you'll get there - when you're ready ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cherry1701]

I just wanted to post as I am also at the 4 month mark and finding it very difficult at the moment.

 

The first couple of months were the lowest of the low, but about a month or so ago I finally felt things were moving on positively, I started to get out there and live my life and feel good about myself again and the hard days were no longer every day.

 

This last couple of weeks have been a whole different story and I'm worried. While perhaps not in the same way I loved him before, I know I am still in love with my ex-husband and miss him indescribably, it's like an aching that doesn't go away. I also didn't get enough closure when we parted ways - it all happened so quickly and I don't feel like I got the answers I needed.

 

So cue feeling very flat, confused, dazed.. I feel like I'm walking around in this haze of sadness and can't stop crying. I don't want to keep telling my family and friends how I feel - I think they all thought I was doing so well and will wonder how it's all come crashing down.

 

I am not the self-pitying type. I have made a concerted effort in this break up to let myself grieve but put on a brave face as much as I can to lift myself out of the despair the last few months have caused by actively doing enjoyable things and living my life the best I can while in this situation.

 

All I can hope is that this is just a phase rather than a massive regression. I was doing so well and don't want to lose it now!

[MrE_UK]

Hi,

 

It's all normal and it is a stage. Things will get better for you in time. I too am going through the motions, but I seem to go back and forth in the stages - but moving forward. Mine is mourning to anger.

 

You all seem to be mourning the loss of your relationships, which can be full of tears.

 

See my post here which may help you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/427748-stages-separation-divorce