Do people know what they're getting into when moving in together?

[Reyd86]

As a man, whenever I heard stories about new couples moving in together my mind races quickly to how it's more likely the relationship will end later on than proceed towards engagement. I think both the woman and the man are making a mistake.

 

First, I've lost count on how many times I've advised several of my female friends that moving in together doesn't mean a step towards marriage. What ends up happening if the man gets so used to it, the gf ends up waiting endless years for that proposal all because she thought that moving in would get the relationship to the next level.

 

Second, I would like to criticize the man as well too. What type of man would be totally clueless about women in general and their natural feelings for wanting an engagement after spending more than 2 yrs in a relationship? What man would think a girl would move in with him without expecting nothing in return? Very few women move in for nothing.

 

I've never asked a woman to move in with me. I wouldn't like her getting overly attach to me and hoping marriage to take place and because obviously if you're making a woman move in, she's going to ask for engagement in return. I'm not dumb enough to expect nothing from her.

 

For argument's sake, let's say the man knows nothing about women and he had no idea his live-in gf would mention marriage and kids, if he didn't want that then why not go after the women that aren't marriage minded.

 

Personally I've never dated marriage minded women and won't. I don't like wasting my time nor hers either. It would be idiotic of me to think she's going to change her mind, get too comfortable and not bring up marriage later on. I only date women that don't want marriage at all. There are tons of them. Why can they go for that instead of wasting time with someone not on their same page?

[coolheadal]

Oh boy! Doesn't hurt to try. I have mine moved in with me here. Depends how well you get along with them. But you shouldn't knock it until you try it!

[Reyd86]

Oh boy! Doesn't hurt to try. I have mine moved in with me here. Depends how well you get along with them. But you shouldn't knock it until you try it!

That works out only if both are exactly on the same page, know what to exact and have an established time frame but not when both are clueless about it and don't know what they want but are trying it out to see if it works.

 

If a woman is serious about moving in and later wanting marriage, IMO I would tell her to do it only if the man really wants a future with her and look towards his actions rather than words. I really think a step towards marriage is when the guy proposes, not when it's only promise talks about the future. Anyone can do that.

[CherryT]

The problem isn't really about moving in but communicating what's expected.

 

Like you, I've seen many women move-in with their BF's hoping that it was a step closer to marriage. But they have never talked about it. Or they would lightly but never really have a good talk to see if they are on the same page.

 

It's like when I see girlfriends want their boyfriend to propose but they haven't really talked about marriage, how to deal with big decisions, finances, children etc.

 

My Fiance and I fell hard for each other but we ensured that we kept a good pace. We spoke about finances, marriage, kids, parenting styles, work styles, careers, life goals etc before even talking about moving in. Why jump from A to F when you don't even know if that person is the right person to commit to?

 

I think women are afraid to have these conversations with their bf's because they don't want to "scare" them off. If they were truly interested in commitment, it won't scare him off to talk about it. It's the false hope of hoping if they do this, they'll get that that leads to disappointment.

[nescafe1982]

I've been that woman before. It sucks. I naively hoped that moving in would be a step towards wedding bells, and I waited five more years to find out otherwise.

 

And here I am, again moving in with a BF before marriage. At 30 years old. The difference is that this time, we've communicated a timetable for marriage and our respective expectations are clear. So I guess I agree with Cherry that the problem lies in the fact that too many folks cohabitate without really nailign down exactly what the cohabitation means, what the expectations will be, and they're just sort of jumping in, hoping for the best.

 

My grandmother once weighed in on this issue with me, and I liked what she had to say:

"Back in the day, a young lady's family asked her suitor what his intentions were. It was made clear to any young man very early on that if he wasn't serious about a girl, he would lose her. The result is that young women never had to take it upon themselves to make demands or lay expectations out directly on the question of matrimony. Her family did that for her, and in fact it seemed almost unfeminine or improper for her to make her expectations clear on her own.

Well, the culture of marriage has changed. The fathers of the would-be bride no longer do the screening of suitors for them. Courtship is about the young woman and the young man, and all decisions regarding marriage are made between the couple. But for some reason, young woman have not made the subsequent change towards making their expectations clear from the get-go; they still somehow see it as improper to declare their expectations for commitment and marriage, like it's too pushy, too masculine, etc.

The result is young women wait and wait for the proposal, and young men wait and wait to hear what is expected of them."

 

An old-fashioned take on the issue, no doubt... but I appreciated her perspective. Even though her conclusion was that I ought to let her tell my BF herself that she expected him to propose to me by year's end, lol.

[HokeyReligions]

"Making a woman move in"?

 

I wouldn't move in with someone until we clearly communicated our intention and expectations and were in agreement.

 

However youth and/or inexperience often overshadows sound decisions. Its part of growing up and, as we all know, they're not called growing PAINS for nothing.

[veggirl]

It's like girls who are 25 and tell you they've lived with 3 boyfriends. Like WHAT?!

 

People who move in with all their SOs after like 6 mos are cray cray. They are desperate for relationships and lack the emotional maturity to actually SUSTAIN a relationship. I mean it's like people nowadays start dating and it's like a few months later a GIVEN that they should move in. Hell no. It's a huge step. One people take WAY too lightly imo.

 

You know how some dudes don't wanna date a girl who's slept with X number of guys? I don't wanna date a guy who's lived with a bunch of gf's! Cause it's something I take VERY seriously.

 

It puts people into more serious of a relationship than their relationship is actually ready for.

 

It's why you see posts "we have been together 18 mos and lived together for a year.....we haven't really gotten along for the last half of it" blah blah blah but now they are "stuck" cause they moved in and made the R so much more serious than the R deserved.

[MissBee]

I personally wouldn't move in with a man unless we're engaged. I wouldn't want to live with you just for the heck of it. Some people act like it's a natural progression, like once you're in a relationship then you automatically move in, like it's on the timeline with meeting the fam and so on...nope...not for me, it's not a natural progression but something I'd only do in the context of a more permanent commitment. I see no real reason to live at your house, you mine or get a place together unless we're in a more permanent commitment. When I've been in relationships many times I'd end up spending more time at my bf's place than my own, but I still had my own place and when the relationship ended there was no added drama of finding a new place and all that.

 

If you want to get married esp, I don't really see why you'd move in without any discussion of marriage or an engagement already solidified. At least do the minimum of knowing your partner's stance on marriage with you before you move in; but to be in a relationship, going through the motions, moving in, having babies and then waiting for some magical day when the person proposes, even though you never had the discussion and have been just going along with it for years, seems silly to me.

 

I definitely agree with Cherry and others that it's the lack of communicating about these things beforehand which is the main issue.

Edited September 26, 2013 by MissBee

[miss_jaclynrae]

Lots of blatant generalizing statements going on here.

I pretty much lived with my man since day one [ok, so it was after date #3 that I was spending all my time and every night at his place]. I still had my own place, but only because my lease wasn't up. I had a key by 2 months in and all my stuff was moved in at 3 months. It was at 4 months together that my lease was up and we made it official. Up until then we already had a system down for groceries, laundry, chose, cooking and all that good stuff.

 

Everything was really natural. It didn't feel rushed, I know neither of us did it as a for sure step towards marriage. We just had the IT factor and knew we wanted to spend every moment together. Which we did for 8 months.

 

Everything has been amazing, and I don't think it was ever a mistake. Our situation was unique, but to the day I am so happy things went the way they did. I wouldn't consider marrying someone WITHOUT living with them first. Now that this would be my second marriage, I honestly am in no rush, so that obviously helps. I have no doubt that we will get married, but for once I am so sure about us and where we are heading that I love the idea of him taking his time and realizing on his own that he wants to spend forever with me [which I already know he does], rather than it just being the next step.

 

The great thing is, that our communication on everything is spot on. Marriage, kids, relationships, morals, wants, dreams... everything we have touched base on, and everyday we are dreaming more and more about our future together. In some ways I am very lucky, not just because I found the most amazing man, but because due to his age, he is more worried about timelines than I am.

 

 

It wasn't a huge deal making the official move in together, mostly because we already felt like we had been for the past 4 months. Nothing changed, if anything, things got better. I think it goes one of two ways, it sucks or it is awesome.

 

He was the one that wanted me to move in btw, no surprise there, he called me the morning after our first date to ask if I wanted to get breakfast, asked me to dinner the night after that at his place, and after that first night together, we spent almost every night together for the next 8 months.

 

 

Some things just work.

[Radu]

How a couple lives together is one of those things that will make or break a relationship imho.

 

As such, i don't agree that one should move in with the other when the engagement question pops, because engagement by definition is a promise of marriage.

How can i promise marriage when i don't know weather we will kill each other or not when living together ?

Sure we could wing it, but how often does that work ?

 

I don't agree that ppl should move in as fast as 6months in the relationship either, to me something like 12-18months sounds better.

[clia]

It's like girls who are 25 and tell you they've lived with 3 boyfriends. Like WHAT?!

 

People who move in with all their SOs after like 6 mos are cray cray. They are desperate for relationships and lack the emotional maturity to actually SUSTAIN a relationship. I mean it's like people nowadays start dating and it's like a few months later a GIVEN that they should move in. Hell no. It's a huge step. One people take WAY too lightly imo.

 

You know how some dudes don't wanna date a girl who's slept with X number of guys? I don't wanna date a guy who's lived with a bunch of gf's! Cause it's something I take VERY seriously.

 

It puts people into more serious of a relationship than their relationship is actually ready for.

 

It's why you see posts "we have been together 18 mos and lived together for a year.....we haven't really gotten along for the last half of it" blah blah blah but now they are "stuck" cause they moved in and made the R so much more serious than the R deserved.

 

I would "like" this post a million times if I could, because I completely agree. I'm amazed every day around here at how many people move in together at one month, three months, six months into a relationship, like it's no big deal. At a month or even three into a relationship, the person is still a stranger. You know very little about this person. Yet people tie themselves financially and emotionally to a person who they don't even know, completely uprooting their lives in the name of infatuation. (It's not love at that point.)

 

Your point that it makes the relationship more serious than it is is also spot on. You can't just walk away from the relationship when at six months in your new boyfriend quits his jobs and stops contributing to the bills, because you are on the lease and he won't leave. I believe a lot of messes could be avoided if people didn't move in together so quickly, because it makes it a heck of a lot easier to extract yourself out of the relationship without all of that interdependence.

 

To the point that couples want to live together before getting married to see if their are compatible...I think that is hogwash. I have yet to see anyone break up over issues that were solely caused by living together, that would not also have emerged had they simply continued to date and live separately.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I would "like" this post a million times if I could, because I completely agree. I'm amazed every day around here at how many people move in together at one month, three months, six months into a relationship, like it's no big deal. At a month or even three into a relationship, the person is still a stranger. You know very little about this person. Yet people tie themselves financially and emotionally to a person who they don't even know, completely uprooting their lives in the name of infatuation. (It's not love at that point.)

 

Your point that it makes the relationship more serious than it is is also spot on. You can't just walk away from the relationship when at six months in your new boyfriend quits his jobs and stops contributing to the bills, because you are on the lease and he won't leave. I believe a lot of messes could be avoided if people didn't move in together so quickly, because it makes it a heck of a lot easier to extract yourself out of the relationship without all of that interdependence.

 

To the point that couples want to live together before getting married to see if their are compatible...I think that is hogwash. I have yet to see anyone break up over issues that were solely caused by living together, that would not also have emerged had they simply continued to date and live separately.

 

 

 

There it is again, that extremely narrow minded view.

A lot of ridiculous general statements too.

 

I feel bad that you haven't experienced what I have.

[Radu]

Jaclyn, i hope you will answer this one, how many relationships have you had so far ?

And how long have you known your previous H before marrying him ?

[clia]

There it is again, that extremely narrow minded view.

A lot of ridiculous general statements too.

 

I feel bad that you haven't experienced what I have.

 

My bad. I thought this was a discussion forum where people were allowed to have different opinions on things, such as when is a good time to move in together.

 

I get that it worked for you so far to immediately move in with your boyfriend. That's fine. Good for you. I happen to disagree with that approach and I don't see the point in moving so quickly in a relationship. What's the rush? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I'm thrilled beyond belief that I didn't move in with a guy when I was 22 years old.

 

And how do you even know what I've experienced? Because I think it's absolutely absurd and ridiculous to move in with a complete stranger after a month of dating you think I haven't "experienced what you have"?

 

Come on.

[Eggplant]

If we're sure enough to move in together, why not just get married? And if not, then we'd better keep our separate places.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Jaclyn, i hope you will answer this one, how many relationships have you had so far ?

And how long have you known your previous H before marrying him ?

 

I was with my ex for a year before we got married. I was also 18 at the time.

Relationships is sorta tricky, in total 4.

 

 

Why does it matter?

[miss_jaclynrae]

My bad. I thought this was a discussion forum where people were allowed to have different opinions on things, such as when is a good time to move in together.

 

I get that it worked for you so far to immediately move in with your boyfriend. That's fine. Good for you. I happen to disagree with that approach and I don't see the point in moving so quickly in a relationship. What's the rush? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I'm thrilled beyond belief that I didn't move in with a guy when I was 22 years old.

 

And how do you even know what I've experienced? Because I think it's absolutely absurd and ridiculous to move in with a complete stranger after a month of dating you think I haven't "experienced what you have"?

 

Come on.

 

 

Yeah, I actually do believe you haven't experienced it.

It wasn't rushed, that is the point. Some things happen naturally on their own. We both WANTED to spend every moment together, so we did. Where is this stigma that every couple that moves in together is "rushing"? Some people just enjoy it. Sure, there are couples out there that do it for the wrong reasons, but not all.

 

 

I loved waking up next to him every morning, cooking dinner together, going grocery shopping together. I was NEVER at my apartment, because we wanted to be together.

 

If you really believed in things working out the way they are supposed to, you wouldn't be so baffled by people moving in together early on.

 

So please, tell me, when is the "good" time to move in together?

[Radu]

I was with my ex for a year before we got married. I was also 18 at the time.

Relationships is sorta tricky, in total 4.

 

 

Why does it matter?

 

I remember when you started posting, and i recall you were discussing a lot of different guys in the dating section.

I had the impression you had more relationships than this, unless those were just dating/sex.

 

I wanted to know the probability that this relationship of yours right now is 'the one'. So far it seems 25% [if this is the 4th], or 20% [if this is the 5th].

 

PS: I also remember you agonizing over weather or not to move in with him after you lost your jobs [memory might be fuzzy here].

[miss_jaclynrae]

I remember when you started posting, and i recall you were discussing a lot of different guys in the dating section.

I had the impression you had more relationships than this, unless those were just dating/sex.

 

I wanted to know the probability that this relationship of yours right now is 'the one'. So far it seems 25% [if this is the 4th], or 20% [if this is the 5th].

 

PS: I also remember you agonizing over weather or not to move in with him after you lost your jobs [memory might be fuzzy here].

 

 

 

I dated a LOT, honestly though, even the 2 other guys I had relationships with, one I was with for 4 months, and the other 5. Nothing serious, it was all very casual, spend a few nights a week together, sometimes at my place, other times at theirs. The "it" factor was never there. So this would be more like my 2nd serious relationship.

 

Oh and I was totally freaking out about moving in together when I lost my job [by moving in, that meant me getting rid of my place] mostly because the timing was all off. We had already planned on it, but after me losing my job, so much was up in the air. Luckily unemployment kicked in though and after that I became a full time student, so it never ended up being an issue.

 

 

I 100% would have not moved in with him if I wasn't sure I would be able to be financially independent. It would have never worked.

Edited September 26, 2013 by miss_jaclynrae

[veggirl]

Were you on the lease Jaclyn? Or did you guys keep that separate? Cause I thought you'd said all along you were staying in that apartment while he was abroad.

[CherryT]

Yeah, I actually do believe you haven't experienced it.

It wasn't rushed, that is the point. Some things happen naturally on their own. We both WANTED to spend every moment together, so we did. Where is this stigma that every couple that moves in together is "rushing"? Some people just enjoy it. Sure, there are couples out there that do it for the wrong reasons, but not all.

 

 

I loved waking up next to him every morning, cooking dinner together, going grocery shopping together. I was NEVER at my apartment, because we wanted to be together.

 

If you really believed in things working out the way they are supposed to, you wouldn't be so baffled by people moving in together early on.

 

So please, tell me, when is the "good" time to move in together?

 

I think because you and your bf communicated your expectations and are on the same page, it makes your situation more unique than most. Of course in a forum there is going to be generalizations because we're talking about society in general... not necessarily anomaly's. I mean, I am also an anomaly. My Fiance and I made a LDR work and are closing the distance and getting married. We don't fight and have no trust or communication issues. We compromise and we are on the same page with everything: finances, dealing with big decisions, kids, etc. The fact we never really 'suffered' in our LDR is unique because people say "it's so hard and it never works".

 

Generally speaking, people who move in quickly with one another haven't had the conversations like you had with your bf (marriage, kids, etc). So the likelihood of it failing is high - just like we've witnessed. I've seen a lot of couples perpetually stay in relationships even if they fall out of love with one another because they are living together. It's easier to just keep going then to break it off. I know a girl who lived with her BF for YEARS thinking they would get married. She kept asking him to propose and he broke up with her. She asked him "if I wasn't the one, then why did we spend so much time in a relationship" and he pretty much said that it was because they owned a place together and he couldn't find the right time to "deal with the separation and the logistics".

 

Obviously there are unique situations... but don't get so defensive over your relationship when someone else expresses their opinion for what's normal to them. If it works for you, it works for you. Just like I don't care when people say "oh long distance never works out" because it does, for me at least.

Edited September 26, 2013 by CherryT

[samsungxoxo]

If we're sure enough to move in together, why not just get married? And if not, then we'd better keep our separate places.

It's because some men are selfish. They want to have it all for nothing. But we're getting smarter and catching up on their ''stringing women along'' picked-up lines and scenarios.

 

However, I once stumbled upon a post a while ago on another site in which a woman got proposed when moving in with her bf but it was an indefinite 2+ yrs engagement without the wedding date. That woman was in the right track but her mistake was not establishing the wedding date due to being overly excited about the ring without asking when and where questions.

Edited September 26, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[clia]

Yeah, I actually do believe you haven't experienced it.

 

I thought you meant I hadn't experienced some sort of monumental and special relationship like you claim to have, so my bad for misunderstanding. No, you're right. I haven't -- nor will I ever -- have the experience of moving all of my stuff into a stranger's apartment.

 

It wasn't rushed, that is the point. Some things happen naturally on their own. We both WANTED to spend every moment together, so we did. Where is this stigma that every couple that moves in together is "rushing"? Some people just enjoy it. Sure, there are couples out there that do it for the wrong reasons, but not all.

 

From purely a timing perspective, it was rushed. You went on one date with him and then pretty much moved in, and within three months had moved all your stuff in to his apartment. You think that's not rushing? I know you don't feel like he was a stranger because you hit it off so well, but he was. You didn't know him at all. In my opinion, you are very lucky that things turned out so well for you and that he turned out to be a good guy, because there are examples all over this board of it not working out at all when people move in together too quickly. A lot of people find themselves in a mess. I suppose I'm just a more cautious person. I don't like ending up in messes that are avoidable.

 

I loved waking up next to him every morning, cooking dinner together, going grocery shopping together. I was NEVER at my apartment, because we wanted to be together.

 

Comments like this make it sound like you believe that anyone who doesn't want to spend every waking moment with a new person after one date don't care as much as you do. I personally think it is more healthy in the long run not to spend every moment and every night together when you are in a new relationship. To me, that is very needy, clingy behavior. But that's my opinion, and that's the kind of relationship I like to have. Obviously you are different. I personally find it more exciting to get to know someone slowly and to unpeel the layers, and to have moving in together as something exciting to look forward to in the future.

 

If you really believed in things working out the way they are supposed to, you wouldn't be so baffled by people moving in together early on.

 

I'm not baffled by it. I'm amazed at how cavalierly a lot of people seem to treat moving in together. To me it's a big deal and not something I take lightly.

 

So please, tell me, when is the "good" time to move in together?

 

There's no set time frame, but in my opinion, people should at least get to know each other on a deeper level than the honeymoon period infatuation, and in my opinion, that takes longer than a month or three months or six months.

 

Look, I"m not judging you personally. If you're happy, then great. You seem to get really defensive when people express opinions that aren't in line with how you've managed your relationship, even when they aren't directed at you personally.

[iris219]

Why is it assumed that it's only the woman who moves in hoping for a ring?

 

My bf and I are going to move in together soon and he brought up the marriage discussion. HE didn't want to move in together without knowing that I'd be willing to marry him in a year or two.

 

The OP makes women sound pretty naive.

[samsungxoxo]

Why is it assumed that it's only the woman who moves in hoping for a ring?

 

My bf and I are going to move in together soon and he brought up the marriage discussion. HE didn't want to move in together without knowing that I'd be willing to marry him in a year or two.

 

The OP makes women sound pretty naive.

That's because it really does generally happens to women. I know there are exceptions to the rule and once in a long while, a man may suddenly propose, professing his love and have a wedding date set on (yes there has been a couple declined marriage proposals on youtube; that must suck too) while the woman is speechless and had no idea but most of the times, it's the woman who is more ready than the man when it comes to commitment and wanting marriage.

 

That's the reason why there needs to be communication established, know each other's goals and a time limit before just moving in.

Edited September 26, 2013 by samsungxoxo