Do people know what they're getting into when moving in together?

[crederer]

I think anyone that gets married before living with someone is an idiot. It's like buying a car without test driving it. Living with someone is far different than living seperately and going on dates.

 

You get to see the full picture before deciding if you're going to do it for the rest of your life.

[samsungxoxo]

I think anyone that gets married before living with someone is an idiot. It's like buying a car without test driving it. Living with someone is far different than living seperately and going on dates.

 

You get to see the full picture before deciding if you're going to do it for the rest of your life.

The only living together I'll do is while being engaged for a short time and with a date set on and everyone in my family and his knowing about it. That's living before marriage but not without a purpose.

 

What I won't do is move in with a man when I'm just dating and don't know if he's the one for the sake of a period trial. I have no interest in waking up every morning next to someone I'm not at least engaged to.

Edited September 28, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[MissBee]

The only living together I'll do is while being engaged for a short time and with a date set on and everyone in my family and his knowing about it. That's living before marriage but not without a purpose.

 

What I won't do is move in with a man when I'm just dating and have have no if he's the one for the sake of a period trial. I have no interest in waking up every morning next to someone I'm not at least engaged to.

 

I think the idea that unless you move your stuff into their house you won't really know if you can get married is a bit silly, as if you've been together long enough, have slept over enough, been on vacations, been around their family etc. you will have a pretty good idea of what living with them is like, without the extra of moving all your stuff and all that. With my last bf I stayed at his house more than I did mine. So I got the experience of living together, waking up with him, going to sleep with him, seeing his annoying habits lol, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, the rest without actually totally living there. We broke up and all I had to do was collect my random clothing items from his place....no drama of finding elsewhere to live and the rest. That was my "test drive." Adding my furniture, one lease etc. would't have made any difference in seeing all sides of him, except made it more difficult ,on a practical level, when we broke up.

 

I also don't plan to marry anyone I haven't been with at least 3 years so have had a good amount of time spent together under our belt and I have always envisioned an engagement of no less and no more than a year....in that year we can officially move-in and if I somehow find some godforsaken thing (like what???) that I absolutely HATE and it is a deal breaker, that I never saw in 3 years plus and in all the accumulated time I stayed with you, well we have time in the year to break it off. But really...it is implausible that you've been with someone for years, have stayed with them, know their friends and family, gone on trips together and the rest and you wanted to marry them then you move your stuff into their house or they yours and all of a sudden you find some deal breaker. Living habits aren't deal breakers for me and I've seen and experienced living habits as well as sharing and financial habits from staying over a lot and wouldn't be surprised when we finally make it official.

[carhill]

I honestly have never met a single woman or man who moved in because was a precursor to marriage.

 

Hello, happy to make your acquaintance.

 

My exW and I did not live together prior to marriage and, from my perspective, there were no surprises nor negative impacts for myself having the first person in my long adult life sharing my living space. To me, with us being married, it was 'normal' and 'desirable'. The issues surrounding our eventual divorce had nothing to do with living together, which we did successfully, meaning we got along great in shared domestic space, right until the end. I'd have no qualms repeating the same process and have no interest in living with someone I'm not married to. So, there's your exception. Good luck.

[CherryT]

The only living together I'll do is while being engaged for a short time and with a date set on and everyone in my family and his knowing about it. That's living before marriage but not without a purpose.

 

What I won't do is move in with a man when I'm just dating and don't know if he's the one for the sake of a period trial. I have no interest in waking up every morning next to someone I'm not at least engaged to.

 

I agree. It's not black and white. I mean, I wouldn't move in quickly with my bf but at the same time, I won't want to get married without living together for some time. I agree that being engaged and moving in with each other prior to the wedding is a good idea and that's how my fiance and I are doing it. Reason being? I bought my home at 22 years old and my home is in my name and my name only. He also owns his place. We're both tied to our own places and are not in a position to be able to give a month notice and break a lease or wait it out a few months to move. Plus, I generally just like having my own sh*t unless he's someone I know with 100% certainty I'm going to marry. When I was single, I didn't wait until I had a boyfriend or fiance to buy property. So I see value in being able to maintain my own space. My fiance valuing the same thing in terms of his "home" makes us a match. He appreciates that I don't have to live with him and vice versa. And now that we know we're going to get married and are planning our future together, moving in seems natural to us. It wouldn't feel natural in the first 6 months to a year of us dating, though I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. He's stayed with me for a month+ at a time so I know what it's like to live with him.

 

I do find that a lot of men and women move in with one another because it's more convenient. The cost sharing makes a difference in quality of life... especially if you live in a very expensive city (I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and even a 1 bedroom rental is usually higher than most mortgage payments). Every other person in a relationship in my city are living together because that's financially sustainable. I mean, I started my career really early and moved my way up the corporate ladder very quickly. People my age (I'm in my mid 20's) cannot move out of their family homes because housing prices and rental costs are ridiculous in my city... so a lot of the time I see couples desperate to move out and so they do it together. They don't talk about marriage or what's expected and just jump in blindly. So after a few years of being comfortable and living together, one or the other expects commitment and that was never on the table.

Edited September 29, 2013 by CherryT

[truth_seeker]

 

I do find that a lot of men and women move in with one another because it's more convenient. The cost sharing makes a difference in quality of life... especially if you live in a very expensive city (I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and even a 1 bedroom rental is usually higher than most mortgage payments). Every other person in a relationship in my city are living together because that's financially sustainable. I mean, I started my career really early and moved my way up the corporate ladder very quickly. People my age (I'm in my mid 20's) cannot move out of their family homes because housing prices and rental costs are ridiculous in my city... so a lot of the time I see couples desperate to move out and so they do it together. They don't talk about marriage or what's expected and just jump in blindly. So after a few years of being comfortable and living together, one or the other expects commitment and that was never on the table.

 

Sounds like you're in NYC

 

Most couples I've known who've lived together while dating got comfortable, used to each other but never developed real love...

[samsungxoxo]

Also I read somewhere over 70% of marriages that result from the couple living together first, the man was pressured into it. Men simply don't want to get married anymore (why would they when they can get all the perks without the responsibilities?) and the ones that do, do it due to pressure or because they just think they are supposed to. No wonder the divorce rate is 50%.

Yeah, it's sad to see how many women are settling for low without expecting nothing in return, desperately begging a man like that, a man that would have never married them in the first place had they not insisted. I would never marry a man that I felt was doing it out of pressure. I love myself first.

 

At the same time, it depresses me seeing how nowadays some men lie their way through with fake future promises instead of going for women that don't want marriage. Like our OP said, these men have no game but to lie their way through deception, seeking the serious girls. They knew clearly what their marriage minded gf wanted and played dumb.

 

Most of the time the woman ends up doing the majority of second shift work too so that's the biggest reason I wont live with a guy first.

Yeah there is nothing fun to it. It's enough that I'm working and studying (definitely not interested in being a traditional housewife with no higher education). That's a lot of work to me and at this moment, I would hardly manage it if I had to be his maid every day.

[miss_jaclynrae]

So many man haters!

 

You must have picked some real winners to be so bitter.

My man is amazing and none of the nonsense above is even a factor.

 

Sucks for you guys!

[CherryT]

I think at the end of the day, you just have to assess your situation for yourself. What are your standards and how do you want to carry out your relationship. Not everyone is the same and each person is comfortable in their own way of handling their relations.

 

Miss_Jaclynrae, it's great that you and your man made it work. Not everyone does and not everyone has conducted their relationship the way you have. Meaning, not a lot of people take the time and commitment to communicate what they want in a relationship. I get it. You're super happy and every negative thing someone says, you feel is directed to you and you think everyone else is just sad because they haven't experienced what you have.

 

But some people have experienced what you have but don't feel the innate need to defend their love because people don't view the way you do things as the way they would. Yes it does "suck for you" when you get played. It really does. I never moved in with my ex though we were either at his place or mine. I never wanted to get married to him either... and after a few years, I really understood why he wasn't the man for me.

 

But I also get your extreme happiness. My fiance is the most amazing person. He is what a man, a son, a brother, a friend, a future father should be. When people get to know him they always tell me how lucky I am to have nabbed a guy like him. I know I am extremely lucky to be with someone like him; a man with integrity. His heart is gold but at the same time he is extremely hardworking and have created a lot of success for himself. And even with all the career and financial success he's continued to maintain himself and knows what's important to him in life. He is affectionate, caring, loving, communicative and proactive. I've never had to second guess where we were in our relationship. He is not afraid of commitment and (as he would say) when he knew I was "the one" he couldn't risk losing me and so he told me and eventually asked. He is proactive in building our lives together... what do we want to achieve individually in our careers but at the same time what do we want to achieve as a family and as a couple. I get your happiness and yet I still would conduct my own relationship differently. That's OK.

 

I don't need to tell people that they're bitter or that their situation sucks because I have no idea. And you are starting to sound exactly how the quote is said "The loudest in the room is usually the weakest". When people are insecure and are afraid that their relationship won't work out, they yell at their loudest how perfect it is for them. I hope this isn't the case for you... but just realize that this is an open forum and that people have been burned here and just choose to take different precautions in the way they handle their relationship. It doesn't mean they are bitter or have a sh*tty life. Just an open discussion of how different people prefer to do things differently.

Edited September 30, 2013 by CherryT

[CherryT]

I love it when people assume its my fault.

 

1) I have never dated a man I met at a bar or club.

2) I avoid men that have womanizing or otherwise bad reputations

3) All of my boyfriends that were selfish in the long run were very nice and sweet to me the first 3 months. If someone is showing alot of red flags early I dont date them. I have turned down several men for showing red flags too early.

 

There really isnt much else I can do to weed out bad men. Most men are selfish and lazy and once the honeymoon stage is over, expect women to pick up the slack. All of my female friends (except for one) have the same issue. I dont think it is just me. Our society is set up for women to be more selfless and for men to be more selfish and be judged less for it. Its how it is.

 

 

I don't think it's you. I know a lot of women who find pricks and I do get slagged or given flack for having a pretty perfect partner. My fiance's best mates girlfriends will actually say to them "why can't you just be like ___ (my fiance)". I mean, prior to my fiance, I was protective of myself. That's all it is.

 

You know, each person has their way of dealing with their relationship and at what speed they want it to advance in. Bottom line: If you want to move in with your SO and want marriage to be something in the near future - TALK about it. If your SO (whatever sex) wants to move in with you and you're not sure if marriage is on the table - TALK about it.

 

Women are just as at fault when they are "taken advantage of" if they know it and allow it. People in general will always try and get the most of what they can. You are only responsible for yourself. So if you find these jerks and dump them and move on, you're doing a great job! At least you know what you are willing to take and what you're not going to put up with. I think a lot of women struggle with that.

[samsungxoxo]

So many man haters!

 

You must have picked some real winners to be so bitter.

My man is amazing and none of the nonsense above is even a factor.

 

Sucks for you guys!

It's not about bitterness. We're calling it out how it is and has been for the past decade not so long ago otherwise I'm sure they wouldn't be any more frequent posts on ''We've been living together for 5 years and no proposal yet, help'' on many relationship forums. If your relationship is working out and you're happy with moving in with a bf, ok there is nothing wrong with that. But to preach on how your relationship is awesome and that's how it should be is another thing.

 

Those types of posts are becoming frequently now and that's all we are doing, calling out how it is and the kind of BS those men fed to their gf when asking her to move in. As the OP pointed out, those poor women who got strung along for years for sure wouldn't have move in if they knew their bf never really had it in his mind to propose later on.

 

I can understand if the stringing along were to happen a couple of times but it's been occurring at a ridiculous rate. I'm willing to bet within the next day or so, another young woman will fall victim to that deception. I just refuse to be used.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Cherry, I dont think those posts were directed at me, I am merely pointing out the crazy amount of man hating and it makes me feel so blessed.

 

 

The truth is not all men are out to lead women on, and I have have honestly only been with one man that did. So much man hating, but it does take two to tango... and some women refuse to see anything other than what they want to.

Blatant statements such as what Samsung keeps spewing are pretty ludicrous and outlandish.... at least from my perspective.

[samsungxoxo]

Well I didn't specifically said all all men were like this. I pointed out that some do move in with their gfs with the intention to fake a future and that threads regarding women that have been strung along for years waiting for their proposal have been increasing over the years.

[veggirl]

Who is man hating? I would give my opinion on moving in together quickly to guys AND girls. I think it's a dumb move that'll end up badly more often than not no matter what gender you are.

[MissBee]

So many man haters!

 

You must have picked some real winners to be so bitter.

My man is amazing and none of the nonsense above is even a factor.

 

Sucks for you guys!

 

I opened it to this page and saw your comment first so went to the page back to see all the man-hating comments, as I genuinely believed I was gonna see several rants about "All men are shyt" or things of that nature and I saw nothing of the sort...

 

Wow.

 

I guess I don't understand your defensive and rude responses and juvenile stuff about "man haters" and "sucks for you"...as no one has dissected or predicted anything about your relationship personally, neither has the thread been a man-hating bitter thread neither has ANYONE said "all men" do anything, you're the one who is seeing what isn't there about "all men." Some people, even those married now, and who are men themselves, simply said they didn't feel it necessary to live with their partner and others said maybe they would but not until after a significant time to prevent unnecessary entanglement in case things don't work, or like myself, some said they'd wait until engaged. How is that man-hating or a slight to you? It happens to be mostly women responding, but as veggigirl said, the reasons apply to men and women and isn't solely about men, although naturally women are mostly the respondents, so will speak about men if they're straight. And why the need to act smug? No one said ALL men are any kind of way and even if someone had all these bad experiences which made them feel that way...do you honestly think saying "Sucks for you, my man is great man-haters" is helpful? Smh.

Edited October 1, 2013 by MissBee

[miss_jaclynrae]

Reyd,

 

Men aren't clueless about women's intentions. They will say they are so they don't have to feel guilty for using a woman. Men are selfish and complacent and have no issues with exploiting someone. Ever hear "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

 

I wish I could tell women they are silly for moving in with a man. Even the ones that say marriage is on the horizon they stall for as long as they can. They did studies on this and found living together stalled the rate of a marriage proposal. Also I read somewhere over 70% of marriages that result from the couple living together first, the man was pressured into it. Men simply don't want to get married anymore (why would they when they can get all the perks without the responsibilities?) and the ones that do, do it due to pressure or because they just think they are supposed to. No wonder the divorce rate is 50%.

 

Most of the time the woman ends up doing the majority of second shift work too so that's the biggest reason I wont live with a guy first.

 

Yeah, it's sad to see how many women are settling for low without expecting nothing in return, desperately begging a man like that, a man that would have never married them in the first place had they not insisted. I would never marry a man that I felt was doing it out of pressure. I love myself first.

 

At the same time, it depresses me seeing how nowadays some men lie their way through with fake future promises instead of going for women that don't want marriage. Like our OP said, these men have no game but to lie their way through deception, seeking the serious girls. They knew clearly what their marriage minded gf wanted and played dumb.

 

Yeah there is nothing fun to it. It's enough that I'm working and studying (definitely not interested in being a traditional housewife with no higher education). That's a lot of work to me and at this moment, I would hardly manage it if I had to be his maid every day.

 

 

These two posts alone directly blame men.

This is what I would classify as man hating.

[samsungxoxo]

If you reread my post, I said some not all. I also put some blame on the women moving in with them with the expectation that it will lead towards engagement without knowing what they were getting themselves into.

 

Again, I'm calling it out on what is it. Don't believe it? Look at how many posts there have been over the years about women getting strung along after moving in and playing house.

 

2013 and there was another victim of a future faker at:

Eight Years and No Proposal | Sylvia's Thoughts Online

 

Last year there was another victim to that fraud too at:

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120927170601AAW8V5F

 

I see nothing bad in posting about how we're getting smarter quickly and catching up to those tricks.

Edited October 1, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[iris219]

I think moving in together is way to decide if you want to be married, either to a particular person or at all. That's what I'm doing with my bf because while I love him, I can't say with certainty I want to marry him.

 

Cohabiting in the past saved me from a divorce. I lived with someone for 4 years and decided it wasn't right for me. So I moved out. It wasn't complicated. If we had waited until marriage to move in together, we would have gotten divorced. I am so grateful that we only lived together.

[pink_sugar]

My husband and I had discussed marriage prior to moving in together and happened to become the engaged the night I moved in with him. I never gave it much serious thought, but if you want to wait on marriage, (I was young) but want to be together, it's up to the couple. But expectations need to be clear. I would only move in with someone I planned to get married to in the future. It makes no sense to me how many people don't see the need to discuss this and years later find out the other person doesn't want to marry.

[jimmytwowheels]

No offense to the OP, but this is ridiculous.

 

I had my GF move in with me after 3 months of dating. No we didn't talk about marriage for quite some time. We just lived far apart and I wanted to see her more. So she moved into my house.

 

It was the right move. Just about 2 months ago I brought up the possibility of marriage, and she is definitely in for it, as am I. We've talked about these things now, and it's just a matter of me getting a ring. Yes it wears away the surprise, but it makes more sense for us to just talk about it.

 

People make the mistake of moving in when they aren't ready for it. Moving in is nothing like dating. You become suddenly faced with all of the realities of the other person, what they are like, what they do that annoys you. You also learn your own idiosyncracies.

 

It's just a matter of communication. Communication is everything, if you can't talk about just about everything, you may have a problem. We even talk about sex openly, and discuss what we want, need.

[miss_jaclynrae]

You are assuming all men are like you. You are a rarity. Most of your brethern is way less committed and more selfish than you.

 

Stop blaming the men.

Half the time it is idiot women assuming and not catching on quick enough.

[soccerrprp]

I know a woman who was ENGAGED for 8-years and finally said enough! It turned out to be the best decision she made. It is absolutely crazy how and why any sentient human being would tolerate such foot-dragging. Considering it's always the man that asks, why are so many ladies prone to such deception? Effed-up, huh?

 

Oh, btw, I'm dating her now! LOL! I don't plan on waiting more than a year...I've known her for over 1.5 years, so not rushing things...

Edited October 4, 2013 by soccerrprp

[samsungxoxo]

Sorry darling, not everyone got as lucky as you.

EVERY SINGLE EXAMPLE I can think of in my personal life (over 10) the guy LIED to keep the girl around. My friends weren't DUMB (thanks for insulting them) and not picking up "quick enough"

I can imagine those women in their mid-late 30's who waited that long, only to find out they weren't only strung along but their childbearing years is practically over.

 

At least with me, I just want a childless marriage. Nevertheless, moving in only to be dumped after years of doing everything a ''make-believe wife'' would do and get replaced right away would be more than irritating. It would feel I've been used while he probably always had it in mind to replace me easily after all that work I did.... all for nothing.

 

With those women who in addition to wanting the relationship to get to the next step wanted kids, only to find out they can't have any and it's too late has got to be a devastating blow to them.

Edited October 5, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[man_in_the_box]

There is a lot of confusion in this thread between people who are discussing moving in before marriage and moving in too quickly. They are two entirely different subjects and should be treated as such. Unless the scenario where they are combined - but that's a different thing as well.

 

I DO see moving in as a natural progression of a relationship. At least you can decide whether living together works out. I find that breaking up and moving out, although practically and emotionally difficult, is much less radical than getting a divorce (likely combined with moving out anyway). And I prefer to know how it is to live with my future wife as I think living together is a critical element of a relationship. Marriage is the final step for me and I don't see why I shouldn't do that as the last step of finalizing my relationship for life.

 

We have moved in together after 4-4.5 years of relationship and since we started relatively young (just turned 20) I would have been quite uncomfortable to make life-long decisions such as marriage so early and with so little relationship experience. We've moved on our own speed and thanks to that I and our relationship have matured and we found ourselves ready, after plenty of consideration, that we were ready to live together. Now that it has been done I can honestly say that I'm feeling I am ready to get engaged and married. My stay in Asia for a couple of months, away from my girlfriend, has solidified that belief.

 

Had I been rushed or pressured to get married I doubt that would've come so naturally.

 

Last thing i'd like to include is why is it normal to consider a man moving in before marriage as some kind of user or leech? Last time I checked I invest equal effort into my relationship as my girlfriend and I reap the same rewards. It tells more about the apparently mediocre quality partners choices of the people spewing this garbage than of men in general who want to cohabitate before marriage. We are not all the same - thank you very much.

 

Furthermore live your life and relationships the way you deem fit but realize there are other ways that fit better for other people.

Edited October 9, 2013 by man_in_the_box

[man_in_the_box]

To get a slightly more sensible idea of how the odds are of cohabitation resulting into marriage, instead of sappy stories of individuals who waited x amount of years before realizing their boyfriends were never going to marry them:

 

"Nearly 75% of cohabitors report plans to marry their partner although slightly fewer than one-half of cohabitors actually tie the knot (Bumpass and Lu, 2000)."

 

Brown, S.L., Moving from cohabitation to marriage: effects on relationship quality. Social Science Research, 2004. 33(1): p. 1-19.

 

 

Which more the less translates to two-third of the people that cohabitate and think they are getting married - will get married (although it could be that others from the 25% are getting married).

 

 

I found it quite hard to find some data on this particular statistic and the shred that I found is by itself quite meaningless because I have no data on how much 'non-cohabitating' people are actually going through with their marriage.

 

Bonus: it appears that many more factors play a role on cohabitating transitioning into marriage than just men milking the cow without buying it. It is a complicated issue and I do not dare to make any decisive conclusion on why and how.