Cabras Posted November 26, 2004 Share Posted November 26, 2004 How do you make the time pass? When I am actively doing something...e.g. working out, watching a movie, teaching my class, talking to someone on the phone, etc... the time goes by relatively quickly. Often I get anxious and have to find something new to do quickly, but I try to lose myslelf in someting new as quickly as possible. My problem is when I am NOT busy. There are downtimes at work that I use to enjoy taking a break to collect my thoughts, daydream, send email back and forth with my ex. Now I find myself agonizing over thoughts of her. I try to block her out of my head, but the thoughts just creep back in. The inability to e-mail her is killing me too. We e-mailed back and forth all day long. I have never been so bored in my life. Some things that have helped... Doing something that might help us if we get back together - Read about relationships, better sex, etc... Think about meeting someone new Find new projects at work Talk to people about her write messages like this one These seem to all be failing me. At this point I feel like I have a million things i want to do differently or better if she comes back. It's total brain overload. I can think about meeting someone new, but that seems to be losing it's luster too. Projects at work are great, but sometimes I just have lots of extra time on my hands. I have burnt all my friends out talking about her. My Mom is bearing with me for now. She has nothing more to tell me besides it will take time. I need this time to start moving. At this point it seems like I need a distraction to get the calender flipping. I have heard lots of advice on this one and it seems that the consensus is - Be honest with the person, this is just for fun Don't get too attached Have fun Don't compare them Even if I don't plan for it to go anywhere it seems like the only thing that might get me over this hump. The pain is pretty bad right now. I can't imagine going on for a month like this. Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted November 26, 2004 Share Posted November 26, 2004 I can't imagine going on for a month like this. You won't. As the time and distance become greater, you will find yourself thinking less about her. In fact, you will probably surprise yourself some days as you realize how long you have gone without thoughts of her creeping into your mind. It's not an easy journey. I wish you peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted November 26, 2004 Author Share Posted November 26, 2004 I have to believe it will get better eventually. Just a clarification, my last post seems kind of unlcear. By distraction I meant a new girl. Someone that I can flirt with, entertain, e-mail, joke with wonder about...just to get thought of my ex out of my head. I still think my ex is coming back, but the timeframe is scaring me. I think my self esteem needs about a 1000 mg adrenaline shot too. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 26, 2004 Share Posted November 26, 2004 ok..who says you dont have to think of her???? a lot of people here confuse this principle i believe. what you really need to do is have time to urslef and sit down, meditate, and think of all the memories ya had together. go through ur whole relationship..and make happy moments for you..and when you do that, you will feel better cause what ur really doin is tryin to hide from u thinkin of her. uc ant hide from that..as you can tell it only makes ya think of her more when you have freetiem on dont have anythin to do. forget what everyone tells you about keep urself occupied..taht is true, but ya do that after u have had time to cope with ur feelings of hurt firsthand. so go do taht right now!! and tell me what happens..if you dont feel better after thinkin of all the good time you shared..then buy yourself a lolipop haha..sorry, i find that humor helps either way take care Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 26, 2004 Share Posted November 26, 2004 I think about my ex tons of times every day but I am not all depressed and hoping we get back together. Why? Time. When we first broke up way back in early 2003 I felt like that but time heals all, IMO. If you can stick with it I think you will get to that point where you will think of your ex but won't feel like you do now. Heres hoping you can quickly get past the spot you are in now. Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted November 26, 2004 Share Posted November 26, 2004 Just a clarification, my last post seems kind of unlcear. By distraction I meant a new girl. Someone that I can flirt with, entertain, e-mail, joke with wonder about...just to get thought of my ex out of my head If I'm reading you correctly, it sounds as if you just want to "use" someone to fill up the space that was left behind by your girlfriend. IMO - Not a good idea. No one wants to be the "transition" person. Plus, it wouldn't be fair to either one of you... you have the other girl on your mind and cannot devote your full attention to the new girl and the new girl is getting only a piece of you. Although, I think it's common practice to seek out someone new to fill the void, I think it probably doesn't work that well, for many reasons. I have to agree with Puma also. It is okay to think of her... you need to take some time to "grieve". As much as we want to "get it over with"... we all have to walk through the fire to get to the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted November 26, 2004 Author Share Posted November 26, 2004 I suppose it could be considered using the person. I really don't want to do that in the negative sense. If it was clear that I was still interested in my ex would it be so bad? I am not sure if females have a different perspective on this. If a girl that was interesting to me said "I've always thought you were nice would you like to go out to dinner sometime?" but then explained that she had recently been broken up with her ex and was trying to move on, I think I would still be willing to go out and have fun with her. I would guard myself and if I found myself falling for her I would remind myself what I was involved with. I have been that guy before without knowing it. It wasn't fun. Had she told me that she was still intersted in her ex I would have still dated her, but never invested as much emotionally. Maybe you are right, but even if I convinced myself that I WAS over her and started dating again, I would probably break off any other relationships once she was definately wanting to get back together. Argg... my head's too cloudy to even imagine me not wanting her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted November 26, 2004 Author Share Posted November 26, 2004 I just realized that this is exactly what my ex is doing right now. She is going out on a date with a guy who can't get over his ex. Although they are talking and seeing each other, his ex can't trust him and isn't willing to take the last big step of full reconcilliation. His ex is her friend!!! Talk about a bad situation. Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted November 26, 2004 Share Posted November 26, 2004 If it was clear that I was still interested in my ex would it be so bad? It's a tricky thing... to let a girl know that you're still interested in someone else... in the hopes that she'll agree to help you through it. 'Cause she will know that either, you will get back together with your ex, or, you'll get over her and possibly move on. It's a tough role for a girl to step into. But I think you do need to be up-front and honest about your intentions. Who knows... you may even end up with someone who takes your breath away and makes you wonder what you ever saw in "whats-her-name!" Link to post Share on other sites
pancakepalace Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 Maybe you are right, but even if I convinced myself that I WAS over her and started dating again, I would probably break off any other relationships once she was definately wanting to get back together The whole point is that you can't convince yourself than you are over her. Time needs to do this for you. It is unfair for you to date other people, for them and for you, until you are totally ready. Here is a short story from my past that might help you I hope. I went out with a beautiful and intelligent girl for 5 years. We lived together for two. She broke up with me one day and started dating a guy who played in a percussion ensemble with both of us behind my back. She broke up with me because I wasn't taking good care of her. I was completely heart broken and it took me 1 year before I was starting to get over her. I was always thinking about her. Slowly time started to heal me. Time is wonderful in this area. Then one day, I realized something. I thought, hey wait a sec, I haven't thought of my ex yesterday. Then a few months later, wow I haven't thought about for 3 days. And now, 3 years afterwards, I think of her once in a month or so - but, in a nice way. We still talk once in awhile and are still friends. Tommorow, I am actually going to visit her. I am completely over her now, and don't want to get back together. I have met other girls afterwards, and am happy I waited 1 year before hooking up with anyone seriously. when I did hook up, I was totally ready for a new relationship. Time is a beautiful thing. It carries us towards our death and kills so much until then - bad emotions of past loves, problems of our past, etc... Only time will erode the pain you are feeling in your hearth. Only time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted November 27, 2004 Author Share Posted November 27, 2004 Well I went out and tried to have a good time. It was so-so. I had a couple of drinks, but by 12:30 I was stone cold sober wishing she was there to dance with me. It was funny, a girl that caused my ex and I all sorts of jealousy problems a couple years ago was there. We danced some, but I wasn't very into it. How many friggin people can ask you where your girl is in one night? At least I went out. I won't have any idea how my ex's date went because I'm not letting my friends fill me in any more. I would rather have never known she had a date tonight. Ignorance is bliss. On a positive note, my cousin called me and I haven't spoken to her in 5 years. My aunt told her what I was going through and she called to let me know she is going through a very similar situation, but from the other side. Her guy REALLY messed up and she gave him 4 chances...and an ultimatum. He messed that up too. I'm only on chance number 3. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 keep it up and you'll get through!! live and learn. best of luck to ya man Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted November 28, 2004 Author Share Posted November 28, 2004 Okay so I get a call from our mutual friend. Remembering that I didn't want to know how the date went, I didn't ask. Unfortunately she filled me in plenty. She didn't know how the date went, but said it was definately time to move on and forget about her. Apparently my ex had decided to jump into a new relationship to replace me. It was with this friend of hers from work. They had not dated yet, but she was just convinced this was going to make her happy. Her friends were not happy with her either. Apparently he is head over heels for her and when we broke up he confessed his desire for her blah blah blah... So I finally did it. I let go. I decided that if she could look me in the eyes and say there wasn't anyone else and then jump into this with him I wouldn't hold onto hope anymore. It was just too painful. I didn't even cry over her. I opened a new door on life. Strangely I no longer felt the urge to replace her. I new that she was gone and I knew that it would be tough to find someone like her again. My poor mom got an earfull. We were on the phone for hours. She felt like that if this was what my ex chose to do to get over me that I wouldnt take her back even if she did come back. I hang up with my mom. The phone rings and its my friend again. "You're not going to believe this" she tells me. My ex suddenly saw through all of this, realized she wants no part of this guy. She cancelled the date, went out with her roommates and said she can't believe she was even thinking about doing that. On top of that, my friend told her that I was getting frustrated with her for saying things like "maybe in 6 months" because it was kind of leaving me in limbo. Like I expected, my ex said that it had only been 3 weeks and she needed time. She told my friend that she didn't think I even thought about her anymore because I didn't call or text her on Thanksgiving. My friend explained that I was giving her the space she asked for. It didn't seem to convince her. So I know I am over analyzing EVERYTHING, but I can't help but be happy about her not jumping into another relationship. I can hold out much easier if my ex is discovering herself and not discovering someone else. All is not lost. I can truely say I have seen the worst and stared it down. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 hey thats really good, im actually pretty glad taht she didnt get into that relationship because she realized what she didnt want. i think that really has to say somethin and you should understand taht..the fact that she asked for space and then even attempts to get with someone else is pretty contradicting isnt it? well she understood what she was doin and knew she needed more time to herself. thats good you seein thing so well, keep it up. so ur break is fairly recent then? how much have you contacted each other since then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted November 28, 2004 Author Share Posted November 28, 2004 We have been broken up for 3 weeks. We talked every few days while she was moving out. Our longest break talking was Tuesay through today. I called her and tried to keep it about life and what's new etc... She wanted to talk about us. So we did. She again stated that she didn't think we were right for each other. I actually got her to pinpoint that we have lots of issues. She said she was concerned I wasn't letting her go. I told her that there was nothing I could do to get her back. She will have to decide for herself if that is what she wants. She aked if I thought that after six months she'd come crawling back to me. I explained that it wouldn't be like that. 2 steps forward. one step back. OK, so she seems to be really open to talking. Even about us. I will keep talking to her and if she wants to talk about us I will. I think she may be open to actually doing something down the line. I will see how the limited contact works out. She loves e-mail so I'll see if she responds to that in a few days. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 yea sounds good to me. if limited contact works for ya two then thats good. how do you feel about the situation..do you feel taht progress is bein made and even eventualluy ya can work things out to get back together? i feel that if ya just keep ur cool and talk to her like a friend..you will start to develop feelings of affection again maybe. ya have to give her good feelings..ya know when you first start a relationship and ya get the butterflies ur stomach feeling? well kinda liek that..try to work at gettin that and i really think things could happen again if you two stay in happy view of each other..dont give her anything to let her think of you negatively Link to post Share on other sites
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