Dating a guy in his 30s with roommates

[crederer]

****ty economy. It happens. if this is the only red flag, I'd look passed it.

 

You live alone with your own place?

[Jenny1234]

****ty economy. It happens. if this is the only red flag, I'd look passed it.

 

You live alone with your own place?

 

 

It's because usually it's NOT only about the economy .... There are other issues that come along with it...that's usually just the first sign......if it that was solely the reason then I guess some women are missing out....

[Jenny1234]

Well...yeah. They're defensive about it because a number of posts flat out say there's something wrong with you for having roomates after college.

 

Given the expense of certain cities and the crappy state the economy is in, this is just something that a number of people have to do. I'm 29 and I have a roommate because I'm finishing a very expensive grad program (the top in my field) and I'd like to save money since I'm already going to have a lot of student debt. I'm also very close to my roommate and like having him in my life. I lived on my own when I was in cheaper cities but now I've had to adapt. If that means I'm not "grown-up" then so be it. If that means someone wouldn't want to date me then that's their loss.

 

No one is saying once you hit 30 you should pack your bags and run away from your roommate...it just becomes a bigger issue for some women as men get older .. Into mid and late 30s

[crederer]

It's because usually it's NOT only about the economy .... There are other issues that come along with it...that's usually just the first sign......if it that was solely the reason then I guess some women are missing out....

 

For all you know the guy was making 100grand a year then got laid off and is now making 40 a year but has ridiculous payments for things that he made decisions on while he was making 100. I'm in the same scenario. Not in my 30's but I can relate.

[Jenny1234]

For all you know the guy was making 100grand a year then got laid off and is now making 40 a year but has ridiculous payments for things that he made decisions on while he was making 100. I'm in the same scenario. Not in my 30's but I can relate.

 

As I said before if the only issue is economic then it's not a big deal. And after dating someone you can see these things. But from some people history it seems to be more than just that

[kaylan]

And as you stated...you're in your 20s...it's still perfectly acceptable. I don't know what double standard you are talking about here. I don't think it's appealing when a 30 something girl has roommates either

Men never deride women for having roommates or even living at home. Other women dont do this to females either. Its always women creating threads to dog men about their job or living situation.

 

I avoid dating such a woman seriously. A sensible chick understands how someone would want to save money for the future. And the women who are generally so concerned about a mans job, income, and housing situation are usually chicks who arent that self sufficient or dont want to be.

 

If the guy works full time, is saving for a good future, and is financially stable, then thats a decent bloke in my book.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Just want to throw it out there, it is becoming far more acceptable.

Lots of shows and movies where PEOPLE [men and women] live with a roommate and are in their 30's.

 

 

 

It all depends on the circumstances as I said.

[kaylan]

Well...yeah. They're defensive about it because a number of posts flat out say there's something wrong with you for having roomates after college.

 

Given the expense of certain cities and the crappy state the economy is in, this is just something that a number of people have to do. I'm 29 and I have a roommate because I'm finishing a very expensive grad program (the top in my field) and I'd like to save money since I'm already going to have a lot of student debt. I'm also very close to my roommate and like having him in my life. I lived on my own when I was in cheaper cities but now I've had to adapt. If that means I'm not "grown-up" then so be it. If that means someone wouldn't want to date me then that's their loss.

Its the internet. I wouldnt pay these women any mind.

 

I grew up in NYC, and saw people in their 20s and 30s with roommates. And they seemed to date around just fine too. Its an expensive city and got even more expensive since I left. Salaries decreased and property value still rose.

 

All this being said, I attract low maintenance women usually. So a girl Id go after would prolly have a similar upbringing to mine. I doubt Ill ever be given crap from a woman I wanna date seriously.

[Jenny1234]

Men never deride women for having roommates or even living at home. Other women dont do this to females either. Its always women creating threads to dog men about their job or living situation.

 

I avoid dating such a woman seriously. A sensible chick understands how someone would want to save money for the future. And the women who are generally so concerned about a mans job, income, and housing situation are usually chicks who arent that self sufficient or dont want to be.

 

If the guy works full time, is saving for a good future, and is financially stable, then thats a decent bloke in my book.

 

There are plenty of haters on both sides of the fence on this issue. To each his own! Date people who live under a rock of it makes you happy!

[kaylan]

It's because usually it's NOT only about the economy .... There are other issues that come along with it...that's usually just the first sign......if it that was solely the reason then I guess some women are missing out....

For me, the reasoning would always be:

 

- Saving cash for the future, if I end up with a wife and kids

- Paying off student loan debt

- Saving for trips or vacations since Ive never really treated myself to any

- Having good friends around because Im used to living with people. Living alone is lonely, and it sucks being lonely when youre single and your friends are paired up.

[crederer]

As I said before if the only issue is economic then it's not a big deal. And after dating someone you can see these things. But from some people history it seems to be more than just that

 

I guess I'm not necessarily commenting on your specific scenario, but just a general commentary.

[kaylan]

There are plenty of haters on both sides of the fence on this issue. To each his own! Date people who live under a rock of it makes you happy!

I say live and let live. Im not being a hater. Haters are people who create a thread to deride a group of people because something MUST be wrong with folks if they have roommates. Because obviously no well adjusted person whos very suitable to date would dare have sensible reasons for having roommates.

[Jenny1234]

I say live and let live. Im not being a hater. Haters are people who create a thread to deride a group of people because something MUST be wrong with folks if they have roommates. Because obviously no well adjusted person whos very suitable to date would dare have sensible reasons for having roommates.

 

I created the thread to see in general what people thought about it. And clearly people have strong opinions on both sides. Making neither side right or wrong. I was just curious to get some thoughts on the subject.

[kaylan]

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/05/nyregion/four-men-sharing-rent-and-friendship-for-18-years.html?pagewanted=all

 

These guys are great friends, seem to have great jobs, and have a nice place. They are in their 40s too, and seem like regular guys.

 

Sure they could be undateable, but they could be very date worthy too. I think having roommates is independent of someones dateability.

[miss_jaclynrae]

If Nick Miller wanted to date me, I would be all over that ****.

Roommates and all.

[kaylan]

If Nick Miller wanted to date me, I would be all over that ****.

Roommates and all.

Yeah I was under the impression that roommates were very common for unmarried people in their 20s and 30s in big expensive cities like NYC or SF. I grew up on Friends, and New Girl shows the same thing. Everyone is an early 30s characters in that apartment, and they started in their late 20s when New Girl began in 2011.

 

Friends was a bit different and some of the gang split up into their own places once they were more firmly in their 30s. But for the most part there was always at least two of them living together through most of the series (excluding Monica and Chandler because they were a couple)

[miss_jaclynrae]

Yeah I was under the impression that roommates were very common for unmarried people in their 20s and 30s in big expensive cities like NYC or SF. I grew up on Friends, and New Girl shows the same thing. Everyone is an early 30s characters in that apartment, and they started in their late 20s when New Girl began in 2011.

 

Friends was a bit different and some of the gang split up into their own places once they were more firmly in their 30s. But for the most part there was always at least two of them living together through most of the series (excluding Monica and Chandler because they were a couple)

 

Exactly, it is all about circumstance.

[MalachiX]

Yes. I guess it is an ego-deflating issue for many. Obviously it is not only sensitive but also a painful one

 

Here's what I don't get about you and the OP:

 

You guys spend several posts CLEARLY judging men in this situation. You say it's a turn-off (which is your preference and fine) or the OP says "weird." When others explain why this might be the case for some guys, your response is, "that's just an excuse." In another post the OP says "It's a crutch" and you say, "at that point living with others should be somewhat unacceptable to you."

 

If you want to judge men who have roomates after 30 then that's your business. But why are you both acting surprised if men on this thread feel judged or act defensive?

 

It would be like if a guy made a thread that said, "Does anyone else think it's gross when women have small breasts?" And then other posters say, "Yeah that's a turn-off" or "If they want me to be attracted to them, they really should have bigger breasts." Wouldn't you find it odd if a person who made that post then said, "Notice most of the people who are so defensive about it are girls... Lol... Just saying!"

 

Actually, this scenario seems like the kinda thing that a lot of guys on this board might do. I guess I should just accept that message boards are a breeding ground for rudeness regaurdless of gender

Edited September 26, 2013 by MalachiX

[SJC2008]

How many people do you know with their own place? Most of the people I know live with their parents, BF/GF or roommates. Having your own place aint cheap that's for sure. My dating MO is as long as you bring to the table what you ask for you can deal break someone over anything. So if you have your own place (you may have mentioned this) what can anyone say?

[miss_jaclynrae]

How many people do you know with their own place? Most of the people I know live with their parents, BF/GF or roommates. Having your own place aint cheap that's for sure. My dating MO is as long as you bring to the table what you ask for you can deal break someone over anything. So if you have your own place (you may have mentioned this) what can anyone say?

 

Uhm... I had MY own place. It was a big reason why I wanted someone with their own as well.

It wasn't necessary. After dating many guys who either had room mates or lived with their parents though [and were ultimately lazy dudes], I made it something where you REALLY had to impress me for me to not judge.

[Balzac]

Carefully glossed over. HaHa.

[Balzac]

Uhm... I had MY own place. It was a big reason why I wanted someone with their own as well.

It wasn't necessary. After dating many guys who either had room mates or lived with their parents though [and were ultimately lazy dudes], I made it something where you REALLY had to impress me for me to not judge.

 

Fair enough.

[emva07]

There are totally classy ways to have roomates.

 

Guess it depends on how big the place is and how crowded. If I were with a guy that has a roomate or two but he is able to have a sizable room (own bathroom maybe) and things are pretty quiet and peaceful, I don't see a problem....

A college frat boy environment....is a totally different story.

 

I also live in DC, where a small room in a house can easily cost you 1500+utilities. Now if you move out to MD or VA you can expect more of a own place deal, but even then....it's not that much cheaper.

I guess it depends on location, and your job (and lets not forget those pesky student loans). Doesn't necessarily have to mean you're lazy.

[emva07]

Yeah I was under the impression that roommates were very common for unmarried people in their 20s and 30s in big expensive cities like NYC or SF. I grew up on Friends, and New Girl shows the same thing. Everyone is an early 30s characters in that apartment, and they started in their late 20s when New Girl began in 2011.

 

Friends was a bit different and some of the gang split up into their own places once they were more firmly in their 30s. But for the most part there was always at least two of them living together through most of the series (excluding Monica and Chandler because they were a couple)

 

And isn't it like that on How I Met Your Mother as well? I don't watch it, my sisters do....but what I got from it is that one girl wants to become an anchor, another a lawyer, another a painter, and one is a professor? Yet they still have roomates....because rent in New York is crazy! Chasing your dream in big cities comes with a price.

[MalachiX]

So, if I express my opinion on the issue it is "judging" and if someone else disagrees it is a "point of view." I see.

 

No, it's judging someone when you show disapproval towards what they do and tell others what they should do.

 

When you say "at that point living with others should be somewhat unacceptable to you" that is rendering a judgment because you are saying how they should live or should feel. When you hear an explanation and respond, "that's just an excuse," that's also a judgment because it implies that there is still something wrong with this person's choice of lifestyle. It's a free country. We can judge people if you want. I just don't get why you and the OP act shocked when people respond to being judged.

 

Honestly, you seem like a smart enough person so I find your surprise at being called on your judgments to be rather disingenuous. Of course, this is something else one tends to see a lot on internet message boards. It's like that guy on the other thread who got upset his girlfriend once dated a black guy then said, "Well, if believing that whites should only date whites and blacks should only date blacks makes me a racist, then I guess you can call me a racist!"

 

Look, are there people like that very specific example where you just finished MD or JD and you work in a super expensive city and your job requires you to be at the center so you have to be there, etc. Sure. How about people who unexpectedly lost their jobs with a bad economy? Fine. People who lost their life savings in the Enron scandal, etc.? Okay. But one or two exception examples or a small subset of whatever you can come up with [just to dispute what I am saying] does not define the entire group of men in 30s.

 

Except early you dismissed those scenarios as just an excuse. Now you're back-peddling and saying that those are fine but are the exception to the rule. Either way you're still rendering a judgement.

 

You think of a debt-ridden NYC lawyer who just turned 29 and I am saying if you are a 38 year old still living with your parents or roommates, it is time to examine what went wrong and that I can't blame girls if they consider that as a dating criteria. We obviously see different people when we look at this question, so let's leave it at that.

 

We can leave it however you want it. The bottom line is you're still rendering a judgement on a group of people. You're clearly fine with this (as is the OP); so why are you so resistant to owning up to it? Maybe now you've decided that you're not judging those in early 30s who have good financial reasons to have a roomate. That's fine too. You're still rendering a judgement on the ones in mid to late 30s who have roomates. You're totally welcome to your opinion but why do you continue to act surprised that people are reacting to it?

 

And this has nothing to do with attacking men or men bashing. I am a guy myself. In that range too. So, stop making everything about girls vs guys. It is not all gender biased.

 

I never did (perhaps you're thinking of another poster). I normally don't get into it with people who make statements like that because it's pointless. You feel how you feel and are unlikely to re-examine your views. I only responded because you and the OP got indignant that others on this thread were acting defensively. People get defensive when they feel judged. That's just the nature of the beast. If you can't handle that then perhaps try to be less willing to judge others and adopt a more "live and let live" philosphy.