Can I not complaint?

[Caroli]

I don’t know what to do with my boyfriend. He is a wonderful guy but he has one thing: I can not complaint about anything, otherwise he just start saying that I always think that he is making mistakes and that he is a horrible boyfriend but I didn’t say anything like that to him, never.

 

Today he called me from his grandmother house when all his family was celebrating thanksgiving, we were talking for a while and then I told him how I didn’t like that he didn’t say anything about that we slept together for first time one year ago, right before we left for thanksgiving, at first he tried to apologize but then he started saying the same than always that he was never good enough for me and things like that. I knew that everyone of his family could hear him. I was so embarrassed but he didn’t seem to care. He continue saying that I should just say the things and let them go and not getting upset for small things.

 

I don’t know how to deal with that. He is right about something, he doesn’t make big mistakes, there are stupid things if you look at them at perspective. But that means that I can not say anything when something is bothering me?

[Merin]

So you were mad at him for not making a point of mentioning that the 2 of you had slept together for the first time a year ago on that day?

 

Could just be me.. but IMO that is being kind of.. well, unreasonable..

 

You've said he treats you well overall and again IMO it doesn't seem from what you've said that he was trying to be a jackass or inconsiderate.. and it doesn't even seem that he meant to forget the exact date the two of you had become intimate.. I'm certain the time spent with you is STILL vivid in his mind.. so in the bigger picture of things.. does it really make a difference if he didn't remember it was on that date?

[Devildog]

I agree with Merin, this is a very small issue to get upset about. There is no perfect person out there and if the good things about him far outweigh the bad I don't see why you would want to complain, especially if it is little things.

 

He could be an alcoholic, a drug addict, gambler, abuser, habitual cheater, bigamist, etc. Those are things you should be upset about. Not being perfect and not mentioning the fact that it was the one year anniversary of the first time you did the horizontal mambo on the phone in front of his family isn't an issue to get bent out of shape about.

[Caroli]

Ok, I agree that the fact that he didn’t remember the exact date is not a big issue. However, my point is that I like to talk about the things, if something is bothering me then I wish that I could at least say a word about it.

 

I don’t get upset in a crazy way, in those situations I am not so happy than usual, that is all. I don’t yell to him, I don’t start saying mean things to him.

 

Something is for sure, the situation can not continue in this way. I need to don’t complaint at all about small things or he needs to be able to talk about it without getting so upset.

 

I am wondering if after all he doesn’t have low self esteem issues, he has a verbal abusive father and for me is so weird that if I only say: “I wish that you could remember this thing” then he needs to start saying that I think that he is a horrible guy, that he doesn’t know how I can stay with him if I think that he is such a jerk.

[Moose]

There is a difference between complaining and communicating. Seems to me you come off like you're complaining, but what you really want to do is express how you're feeling. Next time your botfriend does something that bothers you, start off talking to him about it beginning with this sentence:

 

"I want to talk to you about something, and I want you to keep in mind that you are NOT a jerk, and this doesn't mean that you're NOT good enough for me, it's just something I'd like to talk to you about........"