should I wait for him?

[confusednow]

I posted here a while ago because I was confused and I was not sure if I wanted to stay with my boyfriend or with my x-boyfriend. So, at the end I decided to stay with my boyfriend.

 

A little background: I am not from US but my boyfriend is.

 

He is going to be graduating by December and then he is going to start looking for a job, when he can get one he is going to go through all the paperwork that is needed in order to ask for a fiancé visa and then we are going to get married. In the best of the cases all of this is going to take 6 months.

 

I am trying to adjust all my plans for him, the university in which I got my degree is offering me a really nice scholarship and a job afterwards, the problem is that I need to sign a paper saying that I am not going to leave before 7 years, otherwise I need to pay a hell of money. So, I am thinking about don’t take that offer. The problem is that here, in my country there are not so many offers like that, getting a job for me has been impossible until now even when I have a really high GPA and I can speak two languages.

 

I am giving everything for him, even leaving everything that I love. I am making decisions that I can not take back.

 

However, sometimes the cultural differences are just so high. Things like independence, fidelity and family doesn’t seem to mean the same for both of us.

 

The last week we broke up, only for a day, but it was his decision. It was not a big thing but he broke up with me. He came 3,000 miles to see me, he put his life in danger (my country is a dangerous country for the American people in particular), he always take care of me, he emails me everyday, he calls me twice per week, we share our happy and sad moments, he proposed me in front of all my family. But independent of that he didn’t have any problem breaking up with me for a stupid reason.

 

Now, I am revaluating everything. Is worth to give up everything for him when he could just break up with me whatever day? Is worth to wait for him?

[bluechocolate]

Things like independence, fidelity and family doesn’t seem to mean the same for both of us.

 

To me that statement is a very large warning.

 

In the best of the cases all of this is going to take 6 months.

 

In the very best of cases, especially if, as you say, you are from a country which is currently hostile to Americans.

 

I left my job & country of residence to live with my current partner (that was 5 years ago), but I probably would NOT have done that if I were in your shoes right now. I was successful in my career & financially independent when I made my decision & I don't think that I, for one, would be able to hand over so much control of my life. Will your qualification be recognised in America? There is no guarantee that you will be able to get a well paid job, meaning of course that you'll be dependent. I'm sure you've thought of these outcomes.

 

I am trying to adjust all my plans for him, the university in which I got my degree is offering me a really nice scholarship and a job afterwards, the problem is that I need to sign a paper saying that I am not going to leave before 7 years, otherwise I need to pay a hell of money.

 

This sounds like an excellent opportunity & I empathise with your difficult decision. Add to that his seemingly flippant way of breaking up & then getting back together - it is no wonder that you are re-evaluating everything. You need to be 100% sure that you are making the right decision & that he will support you fully through it all. Your relationship will have to withstand a great deal of strain if you decide to leave your country & follow him.

 

If there any way that you can get a deferral on this scholarship? Perhaps you could live together in the US first for 6 months to a year before fully committing?

[Lainie]

At this point in time, all i can say is trust your instincts. They're not there for nothing. If you feel this is going to end badly and are unsure, then don't do it. If you feel that regardless of all the pressures you can make it work and it will be fine, then go with it. I think sometimes people don't trust themselves enough to make the right decision. Make this decision for you and nobody else. Sounds like you have a lot to lose, so don't make this decision lightly. Take care and good luck, you'll know what to do.

[Debster]

You were already doubting the relationship by considering getting back with your ex.

That means that deep down, you have doubts.

Listen to your instincts.

You have a great opportunity with that scholarship.

I say take it.

If he is the one for you, he would wait or move to be with you, IMO.

[katie79]

sounds like you sacraficed a great deal for your fiance.

 

My guess, from what you tell me, is perhaps both your "cultural differences" are effecting his decision to make a permanent plan to be with you. I studied relationships (personal) in college, and cultural/political/religious differences play a strong role in making a relationship lifelong.

 

But I also have seen two people that are right for eachother, have these differences and stil get married. It's the old "opposites attract" deal. Sometimes differences breed amazing chemistry, challange, and everlasting love (leading to permanent commitment).

 

If your ex-fiance is truly in love with you, he will come to you. He will want to make the relationship work. Your differences and problems would NOT be obstacles if he wanted this to work, they would merely be challenges of which can be conquered only

 

With this in mind, I suggest you focus on what you want. You both have made sacrafices which shows love, but his ambivelance questions if it PROVES he is IN love with you. You have given the most you could. Think about your life and what you want to do with it. Focus on your personal dreams invovling a career and establishing the type of life you wish to lead. Put yourself first instead of him. Go with your heart.

Good luck!

[confusednow]

Thank you so much for all your replies.

 

Bluechocolate, I have one question for you. You said that you left your country to live with your partner five years ago. Did you regret it? How difficult was to get used to the new environment? How old were you? I know that those are personal questions but I can really appreciate your input.

 

I got my degree from an university in my country but I also studied for one semester in one American university. We already checked that my qualification will be recognized in America, but that doesn’t mean that I am going to be able to get a job, I don’t know how much the companies can trust a degree from a foreign university. I am also aware that my English skills need improvement and that could make the things even more difficult for me.

 

I wish that he could move here with me, and at the end I think he will. But I could be feeling scared every day, knowing that something can happen to him. The murder rate is ten times the murder rate in United States, Americans get kidnapped here, especially engineers. That doesn’t happen everyday but that happens and I don’t want to take that risk. I could not live with myself knowing that something happen to him because he came over here to live with me.

 

My problem is that I don’t want to sacrifice my career for him and I don’t want to sacrifice him for my career.

[katie79]

Not necessarily...

 

English skills do NOT apply to certain jobs. For one thing, if your degree is in math, science, engineering, computer sofware, or technology, you skills in English do not apply. You are able to write proper English, so you are capable of communicating.

 

How do companies view resumes? Well, at my job, I am in charge of veiwing the resumes. I get many, if not, almost all candidates attended a foriegn university. This is most common in a computer software companies (where I work). To me, it depends on your crudentials and whether you seem to have potential to do the job correctly, help the company grow, and succeed. What country are you from anyway?

About 90% of my workplace is foreign. They are from Israel, India, China, Japan, Hong Kong, United Kingdom, Romainia, and Russia.

[bluechocolate]

Bluechocolate, I have one question for you.

 

Actually - there are 3 questions here!

 

You said that you left your country to live with your partner five years ago. Did you regret it?

 

Not for one moment.

 

How difficult was to get used to the new environment?

 

Not difficult at all. I had already lived & worked here 9 years ago for a few years (which is how we met) and I was leaving one English speaking country for another.

 

How old were you?

 

35

 

I know that those are personal questions but I can really appreciate your input.

 

No worries - you're very welcome.

 

Cheers