I don't know what to make of this anymore

[Nadja]

i have a problem with my boyfriend who i have been with for 2 years. it involves a woman that he works with and i would really like some help.

 

they have known each other for about 2 years. they are sales reps and they bum around a lot together e.g. shopping, going out to lunch, she's constantly at his house and he lies about it, because he thinks i will get angry. problem is, i get angry because he is not honest with me. lately, he has been honest if she is there, but i still feel awkward.

 

he spends more time with her than with me. i am not jealous, i just don't feel this is right. it feels very strange to me. one day, i turned up at his house, and he answered the door wearing a towel, having just got out of the shower. she was in the kitchen on the phone.

 

one time, i deliberately lied to try and catch him out and it worked. i told him that drove past his house a few times that week and saw his female colleague's car there. at first he denied it, but then i told him i saw it (i never did drive past his house that week. i made it up to see if he was lying to me). i told him again that i saw her car there. he then admitted it was. this made me so angry because he told me that all week he was in the city visting clients. he then got angry at me because he said her boyfriend gets angry (she lies to her boyfriend about being at my boyfriends house because she thinks he will get insecure).

 

quite a few times, i have noticed in his phone that he has called me on a weekend, and then called her 5 minutes later. he cheated on me twice about a year ago, and quite frankly, i am getting my guard up in a big way.

 

i just don't know what to think anymore. i have confronted him previously about how this makes me uncomfortable, but he's insisted they're only friends, and calls me a crazy woman, and tells me i'm insecure. i wrote him a letter about a month ago explaining why i feel insecure, and that after being cheated on, i have every right to feel that way. i told him that lying to me will never gain my trust back. he said he will be honest with me from then on. i'm quite sure he has been, because whenever i ring him up now, if she is there, he will admit it.

 

i need some logical and practical advice from a 3rd party.

 

thank you so much.

[Tony T]

As a practical matter, I don't think it's good for a man who has a girlfriend to be quite a chummy with another lady as he is here. His past lying would indicate to me a guilty conscience. And now, even though he's honest with you about her being there, things could still be going on.

 

I think it is really disrespectful to his relationship with you to be spending such an inordinate amount of time with this lady. I also do not feel it is proper for him to have her over at his place so frequently.

 

I am really in favor of male/female platonic friendships but this wreaks of much more.

 

It probably isn't fair of you to give him an ultimatum...either get rid of her...or you move on. You have to play it by ear and if it keeps up, you may just have to end this thing. That's up to you, of course.

 

Considering the past lies, etc., I just don't see how you can continue to put yourself through this stuff. I am a very trusting soul and I really don't trust this situation at all. I don't think you are being unreasonably insecure about this at all. I think you have some absolutely valid and legitimate reasons for concern here.

 

These two are just not conducting what I would call a normal friendship. Even if it were, if he needs to be around her so much, you obviously aren't meeting a lot of his needs...or he wouldn't find her company so critically necessary.

[Stargazer]

Well you know until I got to this part: "he cheated on me twice about a year ago" I was thinking well maybe it's just a work thing.

 

Sweetheart, sorry to say this but he'd doing the deed on you and you really have no one else to blame but yourself. To stay with a man who has cheated on you twice, not once, but twice is a huge statement. You've shown him that you'll put up with it, you've shown him how to treat you, you've shown him that he can do whatever he likes and you'll still be there. Sorry, but these are the facts. You know the truth here, it's just really hard to admit.

 

Get rid of his sorry ass and start thinking you are worth more than this, until you do, you'll keep attracting men like this into your life. Believe me.

[Stargazer]

Trust your instincts gal, they are talking to you loud and clear, of course he will turn things around and blame you, you will then get your logic involved and forget this wonderful thing called instinct which is located in your gut. Listen to it. You'll kick yourself in the butt if you keep ignore it.

[Tony T]

I like your style. You tell it like it is!!!

[Stargazer]

Well thanx honey, same goes to you!

 

Drives me mad when women to this to themselves!

[Laurynn]

Hi there. I'm really sorry that you're going through all this. I've been in your shoes before, as I'm sure many here have (to some degree or another).

 

The fact that he cheated on you *twice* a year ago......that's a huge mark against him.

 

The fact that you've caught him lying now on several occasions, where this woman is concerned....more marks against him.

 

The fact that he runs around in front of her, while she's at his home, wearing nothing but a towel........that's bizarre and a definite concern.

 

You are not insecure, from the standpoint that you are being overly jealous or possessive. You are not being paranoid or making things up in your head because you have unjustified trust issues.

 

I don't have a problem with someone who's in a relationship having friends of the opposite sex, but there's a fine line between friendship and crossing the line (if that makes any sense).

 

Obviously he's not expected to spend every free minute of his time with you because you're his girlfriend......but the amount of time he's spending with her, in my opinion, is questionable and inappropriate. What does he have a girlfriend for is he spends all his time with a female friend? Makes little sense to me.

 

I know that if someone cheats, they *can* change and go on to never cheat again. But he cheated twice. Sounds like a pattern to me.

 

Now he's lying.

 

Trust me when I tell you this......when it gets to the point that you have to find out the truth by calling someone's bluff (saying you drove by his house but really didn't).....when you have to start checking his phone to see who he's called, you're living your life playing "Detective"......and that's no way to live. It's going to eat away at you.......you'll be stressed, always worried, always wondering, trying to get to the truth, suspicious...your self esteem will start to take a sharp nosedive, you'll start doubting yourself, you'll start feeling somehow that you're a failure.......it's a downhill fall, I speak from past experience.

 

Trust is paramount in a healthy relationship. It's the foundation for everything, I think. So is respect. You obviously aren't able to trust him (understandably) and I can see you losing respect for him pretty soon. As WELL....he's surely not respecting you...his girlfriend. You'd have to be a complete mental midget to NOT realize that spending more time with a female friend than your girlfriend is going to cause stress and problems in the relationship.

 

My advice? End it. You already have enough concrete proof to figure that things aren't as they seem. If they work together, they'll still have contact, even if he stops hanging out with her. I can only see you getting hurt here.

 

The fact that he calls you "insecure" and tries to throw this back in your face and take the blame off himself.......that's a classic move for a cheater.

 

Let us know how things go and what you decide.

 

Laurynn

[WGirl]

You have got to be kidding! She is a little too close for comfort. I definitely think something more than shopping and bumming around is going on. If he is lying about seeing her, that is clue number 1. If she is going to his house a lot, clue number 2. You caught him in a towel while she was in his house, clue number 3. He is calling you a crazy woman because he wants to manipulate you, clue 4. He has cheated before, clue 5. All these clues add up to cheating. The only thing you haven't done is caught them actually doing it.

 

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck--more than likely, it's a duck.

i have a problem with my boyfriend who i have been with for 2 years. it involves a woman that he works with and i would really like some help. they have known each other for about 2 years. they are sales reps and they bum around a lot together e.g. shopping, going out to lunch, she's constantly at his house and he lies about it, because he thinks i will get angry. problem is, i get angry because he is not honest with me. lately, he has been honest if she is there, but i still feel awkward. he spends more time with her than with me. i am not jealous, i just don't feel this is right. it feels very strange to me. one day, i turned up at his house, and he answered the door wearing a towel, having just got out of the shower. she was in the kitchen on the phone. one time, i deliberately lied to try and catch him out and it worked. i told him that drove past his house a few times that week and saw his female colleague's car there. at first he denied it, but then i told him i saw it (i never did drive past his house that week. i made it up to see if he was lying to me). i told him again that i saw her car there. he then admitted it was. this made me so angry because he told me that all week he was in the city visting clients. he then got angry at me because he said her boyfriend gets angry (she lies to her boyfriend about being at my boyfriends house because she thinks he will get insecure). quite a few times, i have noticed in his phone that he has called me on a weekend, and then called her 5 minutes later. he cheated on me twice about a year ago, and quite frankly, i am getting my guard up in a big way. i just don't know what to think anymore. i have confronted him previously about how this makes me uncomfortable, but he's insisted they're only friends, and calls me a crazy woman, and tells me i'm insecure. i wrote him a letter about a month ago explaining why i feel insecure, and that after being cheated on, i have every right to feel that way. i told him that lying to me will never gain my trust back. he said he will be honest with me from then on. i'm quite sure he has been, because whenever i ring him up now, if she is there, he will admit it. i need some logical and practical advice from a 3rd party. thank you so much.

[Deejette]

What more does he have to do to show you that he is cheating with this other woman and keeping you for that odd day when she is not available to him?

 

Walking away is the only thing I would do in this situation. I would not even explain to him why I am breaking it off with him. He will know why. Spending more time with her than with you is just not acceptable.

 

If he really wants to make it work with you, he will come after you and change his behavior with this woman.

Well thanx honey, same goes to you! Drives me mad when women to this to themselves!