Ex (Dumper) wants to 'talk'

[DresdenKing]

So after a month and a half of NC (with a few "I'm sorry" and "I miss you" breadcrumbs on her behalf), dumper messaged requesting to talk sometime.

 

During our time apart, I've slowly but surely arrived at the acceptance that we're not getting back together, and I actually don't even want to at this point. I've learned to move on as best I can. I realize that she wants to ease her guilt by getting some validation/reassurance/closure, and I've been completely denying her of that as per the NC rule.

 

However, this time around something hit me: how could she possibly know to stop contacting me if I've never even expressed to her how much it hurts to hear from her? I really feel like sending one single response saying something to the effect of "I never meant to push your heart away.. our bridge has been burnt though and I wish you all the best. Can't talk to you now as I need time to heal", or something.

 

Is this sort of thing allowed or do I just, y'know, continue to ignore her?

[Misfortune]

I would listen to your signature.

 

If you're not interested in recon, no reason to contact her.

[Omei]

She will stop one day she cant do it forever.

And it might be cruel to say but I wish my ex would of contacted me so I could ignore him and never let their guilt ease it would be so sweet :-)

[Nyclovin]

You sound like you have already made a descion and are now deck bed guessing yourself by considering writing to her. The second you write something corny about burnt bridges and good luck you have lost all you worked for at bettering yourself. She left you, hurt you and now needs to feel better about it. You've let her go, good for you , now keep it that way . Don't fall into the trap. I can't sense your close.

[clementyne]

I wish my ex would say the same. You're lucky cause at least you have the power to turn it back on her. Or the choice of a second chance if you wanted it. If you really don't want to get back with her, then you could continue being silent...but what if she contacts you again? Maybe it's better to spell things out but in a more matter of fact way. All that stuff about hearts and bridges may just encourage her even more.

Edited September 26, 2013 by clementyne

[Mr Scorpio]

 

However, this time around something hit me: how could she possibly know to stop contacting me if I've never even expressed to her how much it hurts to hear from her?

 

Because you ignore her contacts.

[DresdenKing]

Well... I caved and let her talk to me. And ya know what? I don't feel so bad about it.

 

She apologized profusely and wants to reconcile because our time apart made her realize I am the greatest person in this world, I never did anything to hurt her and that she'd be a fool to let me go. The grass was not greener for her, she found out. I asked why she left me in the first place, she still could not come up with a clear answer other than saying she felt like we were drifting and so pushed me away even further as an impulsive reaction.

 

I told her I need time, which is true. I can't forgive her so easily for walking out on me so suddenly without me doing anything to deserve it, however I'm considering getting back together in the future because of how sincere she sounded. She made a big mistake, and owned up to it. Why shouldn't I give her a second chance?

 

So, perhaps breaking NC is acceptable in this kind of situation where the dumper wants the dumpee back. I did not foresee this.

[Misfortune]

If you want to recon, go for it if she's truly remorseful and sincere. Take it slow, don't make it too easy for her to get back in your good graces. She has to prove herself with her actions. She can't get the idea that she can leave when thinks get hard and come back when the other side doesn't work out. Don't take her back until you truly forgive her or the resentment will cause your relationship to fail again.

 

Did you know that she wanted to reconcile before you spoke? If not, breaking nc over anything but "I want you back" is just taking a leap of faith.

[DresdenKing]

If you want to recon, go for it if she's truly remorseful and sincere. Take it slow, don't make it too easy for her to get back in your good graces. She has to prove herself with her actions. She can't get the idea that she can leave when thinks get hard and come back when the other side doesn't work out. Don't take her back until you truly forgive her or the resentment will cause your relationship to fail again.

 

Did you know that she wanted to reconcile before you spoke? If not, breaking nc over anything but "I want you back" is just taking a leap of faith.

 

It was definitely more of a leap of faith, that's true. But she would send me apologetic and regretful sentiments every now and then so I knew she hadn't moved on and felt bad for pushing me away. So that, coupled with my forgiving nature, were the deciding factors in giving her a chance to purge her soul one time to see where she stands. I was pleasantly surprised to hear she completely owned up to being foolish, although I'm STILL in the dark as to why she left in the first place.

[DresdenKing]

Edit: Double post

[JoelBarish]

A lot of us on here wish we were in your position. If your heart tells you that this what you want then proceed with caution. Good luck and keep us posted on how it's going.

[stormer1092]

I've been watching this post. I've been also getting breadcrumbs from my ex. Just letting it go for now tho. Not thinking just quite yet on letting her in easy

[JoelBarish]

I've been watching this post. I've been also getting breadcrumbs from my ex. Just letting it go for now tho. Not thinking just quite yet on letting her in easy

 

I've been watching post as well. You have amazing will power

[stormer1092]

I've been watching post as well. You have amazing will power

 

I try to man. Been focusing on the job and fixing my jheep for now. Keepin my mind off things. Still think about her every day but I've been hurt to the point where it can't hurt anymore so its all small **** now. Like I said breadcrumbs.

[Mr Scorpio]

I was pleasantly surprised to hear she completely owned up to being foolish, although I'm STILL in the dark as to why she left in the first place.

 

To quote a wise-man, tread lightly. My ex fed me plenty of lines that any dumpee would crawl over broken glass for. She referred to leaving me as " a huge mistake". She dropped hints about wanting to get back together. In the end, she was lonely and needed a rebound from dumping the guy that she dumped me for. And then I got dumped again. Tread lightly.

[RespectfullyAlone]

I hope it works out for you Dresden, and I very much hope you don't get dumped by her again. If she can't give you a solid reason as to why, then she either knows and won't tell you, or doesn't know. Both are red flags for me.

 

I wish I was in your position though. I'd love to be able to get even breadcrumbs like you, and not reply to them.

 

About 3 weeks after my ex left me via txt msg on New Years Eve whilst I was overseas, where she had jumped either straight back into the arms of this new guy, or he was genuinely a new guy and still jumped into his arms and was pressing for an engagement ring within weeks, 3 weeks after this she sent me a long message on FB.

 

Either he had taken a step back so she could "right past wrongs", and deal with me, or she herself did this.

 

Anyway, she did seem to be genuinely freaked out. I waited a day, and then replied. By then I think she was already back with her guy and things were patched up. Thus I had thought I had a window, a moment where I could communicate with her, but it soon turned out it was just a bother for her, and too hard, and she didn't want to deal with it. Yet she message me!

 

I so want that opportunity again, to see her in a freakout out state and to IGNORE her. I want the power back she stole from me. It's never come back, and it's been 10 months now. I am so depressed, crippled by fear, that my life will now be this way forever, I will not find my special someone, have a family, settle down.

 

Instead, my heart is littered with as*h*les like this girl, who have used me and spit me out, or I have been unknowingly the 3rd wheel in a relationship. Thus they fall for me hard, and it's wonderful, and then out of nowhere, go back to the guy I never knew about and wouldn't have gotten involved with them in the first place had I known about.

 

So my hope and heart goes to you Dresden. I hope no matter what happens, that from now on, you have the power and will call the shots, even if she decides to "dump' you again.

[spiderowl]

There is a purpose behind 'no contact' and that is to remove false hope and give one time to heal, but too many people seem to use it as a mantra and a strict rule that must never be broken. Granted, breaking it (if you are still hoping) is likely to lead to more rejection and misery, but I see no reason why someone shouldn't tell the dumper why they don't want to be contacted. No contact is very brutal. By it's very nature, it is saying to the other person that you are moving on and can do it without giving a thought for them. We all know this state of affairs isn't true. If we never gave them a thought, why would we even need 'no contact'? The whole point is that we are missing them and hurting.

 

Many dumpers never wanted to hurt the other person, just realised they were incompatible. That is not the same as wanting to hurt them. Of course, if someone dumps you, they have no right to expect a friends relationship after, and you can tell them that or go no contact, but if you want to tell them why you are not longer in contact, why not? I think a person should trust their instincts and not be intimidated by the 'no contact' police. It has its purpose and is brilliant in the right context, but sometimes a person needs closure and they should not deny themselves that, even if it hurts.

[RespectfullyAlone]

The problem is in our weakened state, the dumpees only give the dumpers more power, by offering them closure, and alleviating their guilt over their dumping us.

 

And they'll do whatever it takes, to faking their sincerity, being "sorry" until that moment arrives where their guilt has gone.

 

I hope it never really goes away though. I hope it sits there, and knaws away at them over the years. They might have tricked themselves into getting rid of it, but I hope like a hidden cancer it returns and runs amok inside their heads and hearts.

 

Getting closure is wonderful, but not many dumpees ever get it. It's the dumpers who I see get it more often than not.