Ever felt befuddled and a sense of the surreal at the end of a relationship?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Oh Lucy, I know you are so right but I just can't fully embrace that right now. I do want answers. More than anything, I want an answer from him, to my email. I think I am just still too wrapped up in the hurt. But I do know that what you are saying is very wise.

 

I read your first thread on LS. It looks like there might have been a previous one that was deleted. Did you find your way to choosing men who treated you better? If so, how? (Hope you don't mind my asking.)

 

My ex that I was referring to was from about 6 years ago. I went by a different username back then. I actually remember you from back then, I think you were going through a breakup at that time as well.

 

I was 21 at the time and convinced I would never love the same way again. That turned out I be true but only because what I look for has changed. What I look for includes the desire and ability to have a healthy happy relationship. For all the great qualities my ex possessed that was a pretty major one that was missing. Today I believe that without it the rest is a moot point.

[sunshinegirl]

You're getting some great input from lucy_in_disguise.

 

Notice how much of your thoughts and energy are wrapped up in trying to figure him out?

 

Consider that one (subconscious) reason you may be obsessing about K and his mother is that it's a good way to avoid looking at yourself and your patterns and choices. Yet, you will be on much surer footing when you start pouring your thoughts and energy into figuring yourself out.

 

(((hugs)))

[Zapbasket]

So late Sunday night I finally, after two weeks, received this reply from K:

 

HI GC,

 

I'm sorry for taking two weeks to respond. If I hurt you, it wasn't my intent and I sincerely apologize. Truthfully, I've been trying to process my feeling of the last 3.5 years as much as I can. I'm going through a lot of resentment, confusion and sadness about what transpired between us. And I didn't want to speak out of anger.

 

I'm at a lost of words, though. I know that I want to apologize for my behavior that has hurt you through the years. It was never intentional but at times points directly towards my lack of awareness, emotional maturity and foolish arrogance. I'm ashamed of the person who entered this relationship and the child who crept into its midst and stirred it up at times. I'm so sorry.

 

I'm tired, GC. We have fought with such intensity and frequency that the idea of any communication between us feels daunting. Just the idea of "trying" seems depleting. Our relationship has been an uproar and I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells, the fear of reproach and the constant anxiety our relationship dynamics. This coupled with my general-life direction/situation is not healthy.

 

 

I stand behind that I constantly feel two steps behind you. I can not give you want you want. Its neither wright or wrong, but the truth. We both deserve to be happy, GC.

 

My focus right now is trying to figure out what is tripping me up. Its clear that something, perhaps many things, are keeping me restrained. And to be true to me, and also you, I need to focus on myself. Its a hard truth to face as a 38 year-old male.

 

Again, I'm so sorry for my shortcomings.

K

 

I guess I can't say I'm surprised. I'm glad finally to have received a response. I do think he meant to keep me waiting, maybe not with full conscious intent to hurt me, but with a sub-conscious intent to control.

 

I'm curious about others' thoughts on this response. To me, it sounds petulant, even while I know he is trying to be honest. It's in keeping with his always seeing things in the most negative light. He was saying he was "tired" and "sick and tired" of this or that with me or the relationship from the first couple of months of the relationship.

 

Do you guys think I should respond? I don't want to ignore him the way he ignored me until he finally sent this. But I also don't feel his email is really asking for a response. Should I say something along the lines of, "I understand; I hear you"? Or just let it lie?

 

I have to say, I don't think I have ever been more confused, generally, by a person's behavior as I have been confused by K's. He has so much ability but is so stuck, and everything has this depressive quality to it...though not like other depressives I've known. He gives up so easily...on everything. So I'm not surprised he'd not want to do the work on us. He didn't really in the relationship, either. And his apology for all his shortcomings still has a certain selfish quality to it: he is sorry for his adverse behaviors in the relationship, but DURING the relationship he never was sorry enough to really examine or change them, and now, when I offered for us to really work together to improve our communication with the help of our counselor, he doesn't want to take a look with me.

 

I'm curious about others' reactions to this. I still feel a little numb.

 

I do not intend to take a further action in his direction. I have not heard from his mom though I expect I will in the coming weeks. I do still waver on whether his email necessitates a response, for decency and finality?

[sunshinegirl]

So late Sunday night I finally, after two weeks, received this reply from K:

 

 

 

I guess I can't say I'm surprised. I'm glad finally to have received a response. I do think he meant to keep me waiting, maybe not with full conscious intent to hurt me, but with a sub-conscious intent to control.

 

I'm curious about others' thoughts on this response. To me, it sounds petulant, even while I know he is trying to be honest. It's in keeping with his always seeing things in the most negative light. He was saying he was "tired" and "sick and tired" of this or that with me or the relationship from the first couple of months of the relationship.

 

Do you guys think I should respond? I don't want to ignore him the way he ignored me until he finally sent this. But I also don't feel his email is really asking for a response. Should I say something along the lines of, "I understand; I hear you"? Or just let it lie?

 

I have to say, I don't think I have ever been more confused, generally, by a person's behavior as I have been confused by K's. He has so much ability but is so stuck, and everything has this depressive quality to it...though not like other depressives I've known. He gives up so easily...on everything. So I'm not surprised he'd not want to do the work on us. He didn't really in the relationship, either. And his apology for all his shortcomings still has a certain selfish quality to it: he is sorry for his adverse behaviors in the relationship, but DURING the relationship he never was sorry enough to really examine or change them, and now, when I offered for us to really work together to improve our communication with the help of our counselor, he doesn't want to take a look with me.

 

I'm curious about others' reactions to this. I still feel a little numb.

 

I do not intend to take a further action in his direction. I have not heard from his mom though I expect I will in the coming weeks. I do still waver on whether his email necessitates a response, for decency and finality?

 

His response is fine. It's honest. He's allowed to have his feelings, and his experience of your relationship is as valid as yours. For all his shortcomings, it is somewhat invalidating for you to call his response "petulent."

 

The ONLY response I could stand behind is a brief acknowledgement that you received it. Thank him if you want, wish him well if you want. Do not, I repeat, do not respond to the substance of what he said in any form. (I have a feeling you may be tempted to debate or 'set the record straight' on what really happened between you. Don't.)

 

Then, LET THAT BE THE END OF IT. It is time for you to focus on moving on.

[Zapbasket]

His response is fine. It's honest. He's allowed to have his feelings, and his experience of your relationship is as valid as yours. For all his shortcomings, it is somewhat invalidating for you to call his response "petulent."

 

I guess I just react to it that way because he always would take the negative thing of the moment and spread it out as the ENTIRE reality of the relationship. It was hurtful and it prevented any meaningful conversation about the problem at hand.

 

I also just feel so frustrated that I was the only one who was optimistic about issues in the relationship, and the value of the relationship.

 

I want someone for once to be optimistic with me. I have plenty of reason to feel "resentment," as well. But I suggested we try couples counseling. Meanwhile, what did he ever suggest for us to do to improve our relationship?

 

The ONLY response I could stand behind is a brief acknowledgement that you received it. Thank him if you want, wish him well if you want. Do not, I repeat, do not respond to the substance of what he said in any form. (I have a feeling you may be tempted to debate or 'set the record straight' on what really happened between you. Don't.)

No, I don't want to set the record straight. That's what I spent the entire time in the relationship doing. He'd say, "It's ALWAYS like this" where "this" was some negative aspect of the relationship. And I'd have to point out the positives of the relationship. It sucked, because he was perfectly willing always to see me in the most negative light. And sure enough, here we are, and he's just FINE with me not being in his life anymore. Because it's too "daunting" and "depleting" to surrender, to roll up his sleeves to try.

 

I am, of course, speaking from a place of anger right now.

 

Then, LET THAT BE THE END OF IT. It is time for you to focus on moving on.

Well, and as part of that I have to grieve the fact that I spent three years in a relationship with someone only to watch the whole thing fall to waste. I feel like I am awful at relationships because I haven't had a single one that has worked or even ended well.

 

At one time, even grumpy, depressive, irritable K really wanted to be with me. He never wanted to break up with me. And now, just as he finally goes to get help, he wants nothing to do with me. How do you make sense of that? It hurts immeasurably. It's nice to feel like someone really values you. K did, I thought, even while he didn't behave so well or lovingly always in the relationship, but those seemed to be HIS issues, not how he felt about me. Now, I find that's also how he felt about me. He's perfectly fine letting me go rather than risk any conversation with me.

 

Speaking from a place of grief and anger here. But man, it really, really hurts. I so wanted to hear something soft, something that said ANYTHING along the lines that he really values me, cares about me, that I meant something in his life. Instead, he's a-ok with me not being a part of his life at all.

 

It's like, now he wants to work on himself and so he's fine with not having me in his life, but when I was in his life he wasn't interested in working on himself. He would rather have fought me every time I called him out on his poor behavior. So now we come to, "I can't give you what you want."

 

He spends the relationship stirring things up, and stirring things up, seemingly just to get a rise from me, but now in his mind the relationship sucked and he wants to focus on himself. But he's sorry for his behavior. So why not be sorry AND want to work on the relationship?

 

And yes, I do care about him, so yes, it does hurt beyond, far beyond, it just being an "ego thing."

Edited October 15, 2013 by GreenCove

[Zapbasket]

As it's all sinking in, I am feeling majorly, majorly depressed. I cannot stop crying.

 

I suppose we can love people who are not "good" for us. Not one person here or in my life thinks K. was "good" or "right" for me. And yet I loved him a whole lot. I felt he was my, albeit difficult, best friend.

 

There was a time when he would never have broken up with me. Never. How would things change? Suddenly he is perfectly fine with not having me in his life.

 

I never understand.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Didn't you break up with him?

 

I think it was the right choice but your anger that he is not who you would like him to be is misplaced, IMO.

 

Being cut out is pretty par for the course in a breakup. It is the only way for both parties to heal.

 

I think his response was reasonable and honest. What would have been an acceptable response in your opinion? Are you expecting him to apologize for who he is and promise to change to meet your needs? That is not a reasonable expectation.

 

Your mistake was getting involved with and investing 3.5 years in someone who was not capable of making you happy. IMO if you are going to over analyze that is what you should focus on. Not why K is not able to be who you need.

[Zapbasket]

I don't think it's a clear thing who broke up with whom.

 

I don't think his response to my email is unacceptable at all. Just sad.

 

I never expected him to apologize for who he is or to change *for me.* I only had written him to ask him to consider going to counseling with me so that we BOTH could learn how better to communicate with one another.

 

Sorry if in my instantaneous grief reaction my meaning was not clear. I'm only disappointed that he does not want to go to counseling with me, even while as I have said several times I understand the desire not to. And I'm disappointed--in both of us--that we have not been able to make the relationship work.

 

Like I said above, whether wrong for me or not, he was and is a person I love, and the prospect of not being in one another's lives is a very sad one and one of the reasons why despite feeling frustrated, I did not want to end the relationship.

 

Also: I never feel that it's on someone else to make me happy. What I wanted from him, that I was not getting, for him to communicate to me with respect and to be available to communicate about plans for the future and his intentions for himself, for the relationship, for the foreseeable future and beyond.

[Zapbasket]

Your mistake was getting involved with and investing 3.5 years in someone who was not capable of making you happy. IMO if you are going to over analyze that is what you should focus on.

 

I've been asking myself this ever since receiving his email. Given that my frustrations with K's behavior go back all the way to the relationship's beginning, it should not have required K. to draw a hard line finally ending things. I should have come from me.

 

I should have made the break-up I initiated in mid-June stick. I wavered after a three-hour conversation with his mother, where she asked me whether I did all I could have done, and strongly opined that we needed counseling. And she swayed me, and I went back to K., and I guess the good thing for each of us is that that action led us to initiate individual sessions with the therapist we are currently seeing.

 

Why have others of you stayed in relationships long after you should have? I stayed, I think, because I saw a lot of good in K, and it seemed from early on that, as he himself said in his email, he was stuck. Something was preventing his goodness and availability to participate consistently and maturely in a relationship. Something was preventing him from showing up as a whole person to his whole life. I was, however, intrigued by the person that shone through with all his basic goodness and talent and uniqueness, even while I was dismayed by, to use his words, "the child that crept into our relationship's midst and stirred it up."

 

And I suppose I fell into a bit of magical thinking. I don't know how that got past me, because I do understand that personal change takes a long, long time and that the gains made are incremental at best. But somehow I got to thinking that K. needed to grow up and wake up and if he did those two things, the relationship could be better for us both. Better, because I wouldn't constantly have to enforce boundaries and insist / beg that he curtail his antagonism, which in turn would mean for him that he wouldn't have to feel, again to quote him, as though he were "walking on eggshells." We both could have relaxed into the relationship and really heard one another.

 

The more things went wrong, the more insistent I became about him growing up and waking up. I became a nag, and miserable in that role, and he became even more passive and resentful and antagonistic.

 

And I guess the more it locked into that dynamic, the more determined I was to break that dynamic so that the better version of this relationship could come to the fore. I was hooked on getting things to go there. How could I leave when the relationship, when K, was so distant from the potential? But my determination was not productive, because it was the product of the magical thinking: "We could be this, IF ONLY _______...."

 

It was, I suppose, the route to blindness. And once I was blind, even though my gut was telling me things weren't working and couldn't work because the changes necessary were not simple and not something I could force, I couldn't hear anything but my own magical thinking.

 

I mean, look how many months it has taken my therapist to get through to me that K cannot and quite possibly always will not be able to be the kind of man I need. Four months and I still was not fully convinced, despite my own instincts telling me the same thing.

 

I was not convinced, and so I wrote my email to K on September 30 on the fume of hope that he might at last make a solid commitment to making things better between us and go to couples counseling with me. I wrote that email knowing, deep down, that I was more likely to get the response I ultimately got. But I wanted to give him, and us, one more "chance" to wake up. It was a hook and I did not intend for it to be a hook.

 

My intentions were sincere. I wanted to be with him. There is much about him that I didn't include in my threads because I was preoccupied on LS with his antagonistic behaviors. He is a good guy--wounded, yes, but he has a good and loving heart and at no time was that more delightfully evident than when he could relinquish that chip on his shoulder.

 

What's sad is that despite my sincere intentions, staying in the relationship was a disservice to us both. I really struggle with that. I may have to write a separate post about that. How, after all, does one wrap one's mind around such a notion? "I love him and want to be with him, but the MOST loving thing I can do is to act on my instincts and leave the relationship."

[sunshinegirl]

Given that my frustrations with K's behavior go back all the way to the relationship's beginning

 

Something was preventing his goodness and availability to participate consistently and maturely in a relationship.

 

K. needed to grow up and wake up

 

insist / beg that he curtail his antagonism

 

Notice that your basic happiness in the relationship hinged on him making major changes. That is risky for so many reasons and should have been a signal for you to leave before you got even more emotionally invested:

• Yes, a stray careless word or exchange in a relationship can be improved, but you were dealing with chronic and repeated bad exchanges - this indicates something much deeper than what you are calling a mere "communication" issue. You two are incompatible. Period.
  
• Instead of accepting that you are incompatible and moving on, you doggedly stayed, determined to get (inspire?) him to change
  
• Think about the efforts you made to change your own thinking/reactions to the bad exchanges you had with him. Didn't really work, right? You're hard wired to think, believe, behave in certain ways, and despite your efforts, those didn't change much over the 3.5 years. Yet you wanted/hoped/expected/needed him to change things that may be hard wired in him as well. Do you see the futility of that?
  

 

I do understand that personal change takes a long, long time and that the gains made are incremental at best.

 

Yes, it takes a long time when a person voluntarily chooses, on their own, and for themselves, to do the work. It virtually never happens when a person really only does it because another person asks/begs them to.

 

How could I leave when the relationship, when K, was so distant from the potential?

 

That's exactly why you should have left.

[lucy_in_disguise]

That was a very insightful post, green cove. I know how painful it is to lose someone you love but it seems you understand the dynamics that led to the relationship's demise (or more accurately, disabled it from ever taking off). I encourage you to continue going to therapy and taking good care of yourself.

 

((hugs))

[heartshaped]

How, after all, does one wrap one's mind around such a notion? "I love him and want to be with him, but the MOST loving thing I can do is to act on my instincts and leave the relationship."

 

I find this is the case in a good number of relationships. Relationships don't usually end because the people hate each other, but rather because they love each other enough to let them go and be happier with other people.

 

From what I've read of your threads on LS, you were discontent from the very beginning with K, but tried to stay and work on things because you loved him. But the only way you could've ever been truly happy is if you changed who you were or he changed who he was. Expecting that type of change or needing it in a relationship always spells disaster. Change is possible yes, but a relationship or one's happiness cannot be dependent upon it.

 

I wish you the upmost of luck as you move forward.

[Zapbasket]

I'm taking the steps necessary to move forward--continuing in therapy, looking at old issues that this breakup/relationship/disappointing relationship trajectory across three relationships and a decade has awakened in me. Also reaching out socially, making new connections, searching for a new job.

 

But: I cannot shake this one thing. I am TERRIFIED that after 3.5 years-plus of inertia--the entire duration of our relationship plus seemingly a few years before that--K suddenly is going to wake up and do all kinds of work to fulfill the potential that was so frustratingly out of reach, and that I (mistakenly, I realize) waited for, during the relationship. I'm terrified that while I am still here in my own very vulnerable place of recovery and re-invention and not much social network where I live, he is going to achieve this major growth RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES. And that also right in front of me, some other woman is going to reap the reward.

 

There is a part of me, of course, that admonishes this thinking as irrational. But I cannot stop myself; I am genuinely afraid and it grips me so hard at times that I give in to spying on him on social media and Google, etc.

 

My therapist told me, reluctantly but also with the conviction that it might do me good to know, that he has not seen K. since K sent me that letter on Oct. 13. That K. cancelled his session for that next week and has never called to reschedule, all these weeks later.

 

This, then, just days after K. wrote in his email to me, "My focus is trying to figure out what is tripping me up. It's clear that something, perhaps many things, is keeping me restrained. And to be true to me, and also to you, I need to focus on myself. It's a hard truth to face as a 38-y/o male." So if he recognizes all that to be true, why on earth cancel your session right after that and then stop going to therapy?

 

I do not understand. I feel...lied to. And most of all, I feel confused, like, "Who was this person I was with for three years?--that claimed one thing, and then did something much less than that thing?--that was so, so INERT?" And then I feel like sh*t for the wasted time, and all that effort, and dammit, I really did believe in him. And I feel utterly played, just and ???????????????

[sunshinegirl]

But: I cannot shake this one thing. I am TERRIFIED that after 3.5 years-plus of inertia--the entire duration of our relationship plus seemingly a few years before that--K suddenly is going to wake up and do all kinds of work to fulfill the potential that was so frustratingly out of reach, and that I (mistakenly, I realize) waited for, during the relationship. I'm terrified that while I am still here in my own very vulnerable place of recovery and re-invention and not much social network where I live, he is going to achieve this major growth RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES. And that also right in front of me, some other woman is going to reap the reward.

 

You know how exposure therapy is sometimes used to help people overcome their phobias? The idea being that the reality is never (or almost never) as bad as the person fears.

 

Perhaps it would help you to imagine that your worst fear actually happens: now what? So what?

 

In other words, tame your fear instead of letting it consume you.

[lucy_in_disguise]

This reminds of what my good friend often says is her biggest fear - breaking up with someone who wins the lottery the next day. I always thought it was funny how random that fear was.

 

Personally, I don't think either of you have anything to worry about. K sounds like he is too lazy to move at all in any direction.

 

And if it happens... Like ssg said, so what? That surprising development would have no bearing on your life. Plus, keep in mind u never know what happens behind closed doors... Things are often not as thy appear.

[Zapbasket]

This relationship had a lot of difficulties, and yet I am hurting harder than I have ever hurt before. I miss him very very much, and I don't understand why he is so clear all of a sudden about not wanting to have a thing to do with me. Meanwhile, I am suffering so much, more than I could ever have thought although I must have anticipated this reaction on some level which was why I never could bring myself to end it even at the peak of frustration.

 

I feel so, so, so, sad I cannot find the adequate words. I know perhaps it sounds crazy but I felt that K. and I had a real connection; I never understood it but I felt it with him, all the time. I thought he felt it, too; he said as much numerous times.

 

I don't have many people to talk with; I don't want to burden my close friends anymore more than I need to, so I am venting here while tears stream.

 

I don't intend to reach out to him again, but I wish deeply that he would reach out to me. I really am confused why he suddenly was able to just end it once and for all and walk away, and why he is seemingly fine with not speaking to me again. It hurts immeasurably, and makes me wonder what is real and what is not, and whether I'm as perceptive as I tend to think I am. Very probably not. I don't know what to believe anymore.

[Zapbasket]

As I have mentioned, I live in a small town where while K. mostly has lived as a hermit for the entire time we were together, he went to high school here for a year and his parents, who raised K's two youngest siblings here, have a strong presence.

 

A few pages back on this thread, several of you suggested I move. It's not as easy as just up and moving, but I am finding it very difficult to cope as K, K's family and I live less than a mile down the road from one another and I keep encountering K, whose big truck is unmistakable from the road. Each time it really affects me, and I dread that inevitable day when we encounter one another INSIDE the grocery store, at a restaurant, etc. where we can't help having to interact.

 

It's in my face all the time, and given I'm currently unemployed until the end of this month and I don't have a strong social network here, I feel like I'm unraveling. I feel like I need to do ANYTHING I can to protect myself, but the only move that would make sense to make would be to this state's only city, over 200 miles away. That's a big change from living in the mountains like I do now--it opens some doors and closes others in the jobs / lifestyle spheres.

 

I know that in a few months I might be able to deal with the constant encounters better, but right now I'm suffering so badly I really am worried about myself, frankly. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge and unable to move forward, to be alone, to think straight, etc.

 

So do I make a big move like this as a desperate survival measure to solve the short-term agony, or do I do my best to stick things out here at least until I get a little more centered within myself and therefore more capable of making a more holistic decision/move?

 

The other problem is that my seasonal job is scheduled to start soon and K's mother is a big boss there...and it's *possible* that K may decide to work for the winter there where he enjoys special treatment as his mom's son. I honestly don't think it's healthy for me to have to work under such conditions and if I could find an alternative to this seasonal job for this winter, I would.

 

I just feel like where I live right now, there is no escaping this situation enough for me to be able to get my bearings. I spent much of this weekend a crying, unproductive, lonely mess. Granted this also was due to meeting up with K's mom on Thursday, at her behest. She keeps telling me she loves me and intends to keep up a relationship with me and she acts on these things by staying in touch, but it's just too hard for me right now. I haven't told her this yet. After seeing her I felt so depressed I hit an all-time low and spent the weekend desperately trying to reclaim myself, only managing to do so with the help of my closest friends who live over a thousand miles away, on the west and east coasts.

 

Help? Sorry this is so dang long.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I would move or at least sublet my place and take an extended vacation. You will be able to move on a lot faster away from all this and it doesn't sound like you have any compelling reasons to stay.

[Zapbasket]

I would move or at least sublet my place and take an extended vacation. You will be able to move on a lot faster away from all this and it doesn't sound like you have any compelling reasons to stay.

 

Thanks, Lucy. I think this, as well...but then I remember that with the ending of my previous two relationships, I moved as a way to cut the cord of hope (with the first one) and end the humiliation (with the second one). And moving away may have helped me move forward, in the sense that I was distracted with new things...but seemingly I did not do my homework as psychologically and relationally I'm back in the same place with the ending of this relationship with K. I'm trapped in some kind of dynamic that leads me to choose men with certain traits, and then I act a certain way in those relationships (staying on despite sub-par treatment, for one) and then the dudes end the relationship and want nothing whatsoever to do with me.

 

So my other instinct is to stick it out here, keep job searching and networking, work my seasonal job that is coming up with the knowledge that I will leave it if I get a year-round gig, try to distract myself while also trying to sit with my issues and with the help of my therapist, hopefully begin to understand why this situation keeps happening in my romantic relationships.

 

I guess the question is, how best to move on? Would literally moving really accomplish that? Am I right to be wary given I moved geographically after the previous two relationships and seemingly did not "move" psychologically sufficiently to prevent the same dynamic from recurring?

 

You know, I honestly think that perhaps I never really got over the ending of my first long-term relationship, the one that lasted 5 years and brought me to LoveShack in 2007. I thought I was past it, but then in September I found out he had married and I realized that deep down I'd held onto the hope that one day he would reach out to me to apologize, or at least to tell me that he had cared. I mean, how DO you kill hope? I don't want to pine for K unrealistically, the way I did with this first guy.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Well, seeing as how I'm still pining after my ex from 10 years ago, I don't know how one kills hope. But I do think actively searching for new opportunities is the only way to move forward, whether or not the hope is dead.

 

My advice would be different if you were living in a big city, or even a mid-size town. I do agree you can't run away from yourself, and simply moving will not help you overcome the bigger issue of your tendency to get sucked in to unhealthy dynamics.

 

But from the way you describe your town, it seems too small to be able offer any opportunities at all to take your mind off the breakup. I'm not even talking about dating. It just seems like yor life could be richer, all else being equal (including your problems) somewhere else.

[Zapbasket]

Ugh....

 

Today has been a tough day. I've been fighting my tendency to blame myself and have not been very successful. I notice I have a tendency to agonize over, "How could he not want to be with me?"--and I've not been very successful at that, either.

 

I notice all these patterns of mine with relationships, and I am terrified now that I will end up in another relationship (after what I expect to be a year of self-imposed relationship detox) where the same things will happen again.

 

I'm afraid of patterns of mine that I don't notice. I was always so frustrated by K's antagonism and irritability in the relationship that I didn't pay enough attention to behaviors of mine that might have complicated things. People tell me I was justified in being so frustrated, and finally so angry. But what did I do to make this relationship fail? I don't know.

 

This is so hard. The more so because I don't feel I can just up and leave, certainly not without a job in place...and I feel so isolated here it really makes things hard. The approaching, nay, LOOMING holidays don't help, either.

 

How do you keep it together after a breakup of a long relationship--especially one as confusing and fraught as this one was? I'm trying to learn and grow and let go and I have successful days, yes, but I have to work. so. hard. to keep focused.

[sunshinegirl]

Ugh....

 

Today has been a tough day. I've been fighting my tendency to blame myself and have not been very successful. I notice I have a tendency to agonize over, "How could he not want to be with me?"--and I've not been very successful at that, either.

 

I notice all these patterns of mine with relationships, and I am terrified now that I will end up in another relationship (after what I expect to be a year of self-imposed relationship detox) where the same things will happen again.

 

I'm afraid of patterns of mine that I don't notice. I was always so frustrated by K's antagonism and irritability in the relationship that I didn't pay enough attention to behaviors of mine that might have complicated things. People tell me I was justified in being so frustrated, and finally so angry. But what did I do to make this relationship fail? I don't know.

 

This is so hard. The more so because I don't feel I can just up and leave, certainly not without a job in place...and I feel so isolated here it really makes things hard. The approaching, nay, LOOMING holidays don't help, either.

 

How do you keep it together after a breakup of a long relationship--especially one as confusing and fraught as this one was? I'm trying to learn and grow and let go and I have successful days, yes, but I have to work. so. hard. to keep focused.

 

Don't get caught up asking the wrong questions, the bolded being an example of a wrong question.

 

What did trainer Dawn Brancheau do wrong to cause the killer whale Tillikum to kill her? Ans: she played with a dangerous creature. Crude as this is to say, no one should be surprised that a wild animal attacked her. A killer whale and a person are incompatible - they don't belong together. No amount of training/taming the whale, and no amount of careful, deliberate movements on Dawn's part could have altered their fundamental natures and capabilities - their fundamental incompatibility.

 

Similarly, you keep getting caught in a doom loop that assumes that you made the relationship fail. The only thing you did "wrong" was decide to stay in a relationship that was not making you happy, with a person who was incompatible with you. In so doing, you exposed yourself to harm. Not only harm from his actions, incidentally, but harm from your own erroneous beliefs that you could carry/alter/fix the relationship.

 

You've got to fight the narrative that's taking over your thinking -- refocus your energy on what causes you to stay. When you get a solid - and I mean really solid - handle on that, you will be well on your way to never finding yourself in this kind of situation again.

[Zapbasket]

Great analogy, SSG--K. certainly feels like a "wild animal" to me right now, on multiple levels--and I do pray to every God in the universe that I never end up in this kind of situation again. All of my relationship endings have felt particularly traumatic to me, and then given that my life has been in transition to coincide with each ending, they've been destructive both situationally and psychologically.

 

My current difficulties with being here are much larger than K., though they stem out from him. He has loads of family here (he lives in a garage apartment on his parents' property, so he literally is surrounded by family) and in two neighboring mountain towns. He also went to high school in this town for a year, so he is part of that "family," as well--though not once in the three and a half years we were together did we go out with his old high school acquaintances; in fact, I only ever met two of them. Hmmm. Right?

 

I just lost my "membership" into his family, and I am very much an outsider here. People seem to like me but I have been unable to cultivate a peer group here save for a few friends who are in this town only in winter. I was just told by the Exec. Director of a local (but with national reach) organization for which I'd love to work that I just have to "pay my dues" in this town before opportunities will come. And I was like, "Dude, I've been living here for THREE years and have paid dues aplenty and right about now I'd really like to see some of my "membership benefits" materialize!"

 

I so hate surrendering to the idea that I don't fit into this small mountain town, because K. said to my mother when she visited back in August, "GC doesn't belong here. She needs to be in a place where her talents can be recognized." (This was part of his whole wimping out on our relationship after my mom asked him why all this time had gone by and he had not proposed or even discussed marriage with me. He said that and said that he himself was "so lost and confused; I'm a spinning compass; I just can't take responsibility for anyone right now." Yes, he's 38, and waited 3.5 years before telling my 77-year-old mother that he "can't take responsibility" because he's "a spinning compass." Ugh. Yes, I suppose I am bitter.)

 

But then I wonder whether this town is like my relationship and I'm staying in it too long, at the expense of my self-confidence, financial well-being, and sense of social belonging (which goes back to self-confidence: I'm seriously beginning to question whether I'm truly likeable or if here I seem "uppity" or something. I'm questioning everything).

 

I wish I knew what the right thing is to do.

[Zapbasket]

I honestly do not think I have ever experienced a low like this.

 

My confidence feels completely shattered.

 

I feel betrayed at a level I also have not experienced. Perhaps because I arrived in this town so vulnerable and bruised after what happened with my previous, narcissist ex, but I really opened myself up to the love and inclusion of K's family and it felt so right that K's weakness in comparison seemed not to matter.

 

But then he stayed true to what he was and after years of avoiding any talk about the future he quit on us, and of course the way it all ended was degrading and unsettling because how could it be anything else?

 

And I know I'm only reading into something I can't really see, but from Facebook and seeing his truck around town it seems like everything is just dandy for K. He was out last night after his exercise class; I have an exercise class on most weekday early evenings but so far mine hasn't resulted in getting to go out afterward with new people...or maybe he was out with a woman.... I know this because the town is so small it's nearly impossible not to see. His truck, that is--though I'm sure it's a matter of time before he walks into a restaurant where I am, or vice versa. See, that's why I thought we should have met face to face if we really were going to be done and at least arrived at some mutual understanding of how we'd give each other space in this small town.

[Zapbasket]

This is the second night in a row that I've been unable to sleep.

 

I know I need to stop caring what K is up to. I know that from a distance, things are not always what they seem. And I know that I have an over-active imagination that maybe is not always running in my best interest.

 

But.

 

Last week I met up with K's mom, at her request; she wanted to take me out for a drink. She insisted that K really was thinking about marriage all along. I didn't say anything because I did not want to argue with her, and I could not deny that K had asked my mother for permission to ask to marry me back in January. But even at the time, I knew he only did that because he knew my mother was wondering why there was no engagement after nearly three years of dating. Because at the same time with me, he would quash any discussion about the future and never brought it up himself. There always was an excuse for why we could never talk about the future. And ostensibly it was my mounting frustration with that, and his feeling "pressured," that ended our relationship back in August.

 

And in response to my letter to K in September, suggesting we follow through with couples counseling as we'd planned back in June (which led us to begin individual counseling with the same therapist; in September we both still were going), K replied, "I cannot give you what you want" and "I stand behind that I always feel two steps behind you."

 

K, for the whole time we dated, was working an hourly construction job. It pays well--better than most jobs where we live. He hated that he was working construction and complained about it incessantly; he resented it so much. What he wanted was to have his own scientific communications business.

 

But during the time we were together, he didn't make any moves to get that going, nor did he do much to get out of construction. About a year ago his mom said to me, "If K wanted to stop doing construction, he would." I agreed. His mom also had said to me back in May that K had asked her, "Do you think GC would mind if I just wanted to work construction?" And I said to her, and said at another time to K, "I want him to do what makes him happy. The only reason I've ever had a 'problem' with his working construction is that he's always claimed he hates it, so I've always supported his trying to do something else."

 

So now I wonder whether he felt he could not marry me because he wanted to be able to work hourly construction and he thought I would not "approve." Which is ridiculous since I said repeatedly that of course he should do what he liked to do, and if he hated construction he should leave it. He was so racked about it, and so angry at being "stuck" in construction. At least that is what he always said to me.

 

But from what I can tell and his mother has said to me since the breakup, he is content to stay in construction. He also had told my mother this summer that he liked it because he could mostly be his own boss and could have freedom to do other stuff. This was in response to my mother asking why seven months after he'd asked her permission to ask to marry me nothing had happened, and how he expected to support a family on an hourly construction job.

 

The thing is, where we live you CAN support a family on an hourly construction job. Heck, if I could be hired to work construction here I'd do it; it pays at least $10 more per hour than everything else. I don't think I ever indicated to him in any way that I would not be supportive of his staying in construction. In fact, I remember saying to him that I only DIDN'T support it if he truly hated it as much as he said he did. He hated it because he felt it did not match his potential, and I agreed with that and encouraged him to strive for something else.

 

It hurts to think that he has just decided that he is happy in construction, when that was never the message imparted to me the whole time we were together. It makes me wonder: did he "pretend" for me, to be something he was not, because he felt like he "had" to do that to keep me for some reason?

 

I know I'm trying to figure him out, and I am focusing on myself in my therapy and such. But it hurts to think he was content all along with what he had told me he was so discontent with--it hurts to think he felt he had to lie to me when for the life of me I can't think of what I ever said or did that could have made him feel that way.

 

Please understand that this is particularly difficult as I love his whole family so, so much and as I type his mother is posting pictures on Facebook of K's little nieces, whom I absolutely adore, and the beautiful mountain town where the whole family is from and that I thought would be my home, too, one day.

 

I am so sad and somehow feel like I wasn't "worthy" for all this, otherwise why would K so definitively cut me out of all of it? I know, I know.