We're supposedly just friends....why do we fight like we're boyfriend/girlfriend?

[FsuBA34]

Well I thought I could handle this on my own, but i figured what the hell might as well share the situation. I bumped the last two threads i wrote on this girl up so if you want some background info on this, check those out also.

 

Here's the deal (trying to keep this as short as possible):

My best friend (Lindsay) and I have been friends for about 3 years, most of which came in college, where we met. It started out wonderfully, and we were the best of friends, we fought occasionally in front of her friend Cayten, but she chalked it up to acting like "brother/sister" (keep in mind both of us are only children so neither of us has any idea what that's actually like). Eventually we became rather close and I distanced myself from her friend Cayten (which is who I met her from). I made many new friend junior and senior year, and most of her friends she met through me and all of these new people. This is I think when things started getting weird.

 

I stopped always inviting her to do things first, she'd get jealous. The entire time i've known her, I've had to convince her to like every new friend i've made. She never trusted any of them, until i convinced her to. Also she usually was there every time we went out, and was always with the group. Eventually her and Cayten got this card to drink Friday and saturday nights at a bar in Tallahassee, and so they started doing that first. Well, things got to where she would want me to call her only if what we were doing "was cool", which pissed me off, so i wouldn't call her to meet up. Then she'd call and wonder why i hadn't called. This started a chain reaction.

 

Eventually, I'd stop inviting her to things because she became increasingly more difficult to deal with, because she wouldn't arrive at the time when everyone else did, she always had a special exception. This of course also pissed her off, because i'd invite everyone but her. This caused friction second semester of our sophmore year. She and another friend of ours through me a suprise birthday party in February, which was great, but after that the fights began. We'd fight over stupid things (ex. I snapped at her once finally for not cooperating to go out with the group) that basically boiled down to a lack of communication and trust. She accused me of things like "taking our friendship for granted" and of "not being able to get close to someone".

 

So hearing things like this, I naturally started to get feelings for her, and had to "discontinue" our friendship in May. I couldn't take it anymore. I told her "I can't treat you like a girlfriend and try and find one at the same time" and brought up an example of a girl that I had pissed off because i picked Lindsay over her. But, Lindsay confused what I said and accused me of ending it because of the girl. We finally started talking again 3 months later and I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me, but she was with this guy "because she had stopped talking to me". So i left well enough alone and attempted to move on.

 

Recently, we got into a fight coming home from a club with two of our friends becuase I asked them to her home and they wouldn't do it for me (keep in mind I've been the driver of our group and for her most of the time I've known her). So she decides to call her dad to be picked up from my house, despite my insisting twice that I'd still take her home. So I "let her deal with the problem she created herself". 6 days later, I wrote her an email explaining i was sorry for the way things played out, but that she really made me feel like a taxi driver. I explained my reasoning better for "discontinuing" our friendship, and made it clear that when I said "I love you" i meant I was in love with her, not just as a friend.

 

here's her response from wednesday to that email:

"Look I really appreciate the letter. I do understand it from your point of view now that you've explained yourself...and now I'll explain myself. The reason I went out with you all that night was because I was told that i would have a ride...granted.. you do drive people around alot and im sorry for that. I have major driving issues as Im sure you know, I have a hard time seeing at night and the drive really freaks me out...its gotten to the point know where I dont drive at all anymore after going out b/c im so afraid of crashing. Thats why that night I said i would only go if I had a ride. I was so confused that night because if you recall, as we were walking back to the car you said " I'm gonna drop them off first so you and I can talk" ( I think we were gonna discuss chad being gay or something). So as you can see, it was a major shock when not even 15 minutes later, your asking someone else to take me home. If you had said to me "look Im drunk, I need chad to take you" it would have been different.. but from my point, it was like Im sitting there confused as you guys are fighting over who had to take me home. I really felt like that was the rudest thing Ive had done to me in a long time, and I just felt like u guys had lost respect for me as a person if you could do that in front of me. So, I just said **** it, and called my dad. I mean, if it wasnt a big deal, I wish you would have hung out with me, or talked to me instead of gettin all pissed and then slamming your car door and running inside to leave me alone to wait for my dad in your street. That IM you left for me just made it worse b/c I wasnt trying to act like a baby or throw a fit, i was just standing up for myself in that situation. Imagine if you were in my car and me and cayten got into a fight in front of you over who had to take you home, when you thought you had a ride. It just kind of threw me for a loop. Look Billy, you're right that we've been friends too long to just let the friendship go, but its like I feel like every time I start to trust you again we have a scuff and we dont talk for a week. Thats absolutely 100% abnormal and I dont know how to fix it other than walk away everytime.

 

I dont know how to change. I have so much respect for you as a person, but its like evrytime things like this happen, I lose a little bit of that respect. I know that you've been trying to make it up to me by us hanging out and stuff and I appreciate it.I really do, I have some of the best times with you. I totally thought that things had been repaired and I was on the road to getting close to you again like we used to be. I mean, that night, as i sat in your road waiting for my dad, I really felt in my heart that this friendship had to end, because I couldnt keep dealing with the pain. Whether you believe it or not, when we fight, I am in alot of pain over it. And everytime I get so emotional over something it reminds me of a time in my life I try to forget...dating Zeph. Billy, by no means do I compare you to Zeph, but these fights are just too painful, and frankly rediculous. Im open to making this friendship work, but honestly, tell me how to make it better. As far as my side, rather than blowing up and acting to quickly on your anger , talk to me about it. If we dont REALLY work on things with one another, these silly, yet extreme fights, are just going to continue, and most likely become worse. I want us to respect each other the way we did when we first met. To the point were we went way out of the way for one another just to show that person you cared. Think about it...would any of this stuff happened in the first few months of us being friends...no way...even if we were puking we were so drunk and it was 5 am and we had a test the next morning at 9am we would have given one another a ride ect. Do you remember how it was? The problem is that we've become so close we've begun to treat each other more casually, and in a sense taken each other for granted. Any time that happens, no matter how good it was, the respect for that person begins to decline. I'd like to make it work Billy, but I dont know how to go about it. If we cant make a serious effort to keep our cool when the other person pisses us off, and talk to them about it then we have a chance. If not, then our friendship will be nothing more than fighting. I hope we can make it work. talk to you later...Have a happy thanksgiving"

 

 

So how the hell do I respond to this? Why does she act like she's my girlfriend when we're "just friends"? Do I need to clear up where we stand (we've never actually cleared up that we're "just friends" or not, she did say she loved me back when I told her I loved her) before explaining the concepts of "communication" and "trust"? Zeph is the only serious boyfriend she's ever had, and he was never willing to try and fix things (I helped her through that breakup ironically, and now she's comparing me to him). I'm confused. Thanks for reading and your help.

[UCFKevin]

I can't help but notice there are three threads you've started that are pretty similar to this. Are they all the same? You don't need to make a bunch of threads about the same thing, just do one, for crying out loud.

[Devildog]

Look at dates there Kevin, The other two threads are background info on this soap opera. They are old threads that have been bumped to bring new readers up to speed.

 

Wasn't this the plot of that movie with Freddie Prinze Jr.? He ended up with the girl in the end didn't he?

 

I think you really need to push to define your relationship with her. I think alot of the tension and fighting between you is because you haven't officially started dating or having an official relationship.

 

I suggest you be blunt and tell her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her as a couple. If she doesn't want that, then I would seriously suggest backing off from being as close of friends as you have been. Not completely end the friendship unless it is too hard for you still. But treat her as you do any of your other friends, not as a special above all others on this planet kind of friend.

[Merin]

There is a difference between loving someone as a friend, and being In love with them..

 

Honestly Billy, it seems that Lindsey isn't able to recognize that she has to take any responsibility for where the friendship is going..

 

The very things that make you angry, annoyed and overall drive you crazy about her would only be magnafied 10x if the two of you were to begin dating.

 

At this point if a romantic relationship is what you're after with this girl.. then you're going to have to be direct. You've known each other to long to start playing games now and take the wait and see approach.