Unique situation

[Johnsmith100]

Hello guys and girls. I've scoured the internet in hope of helping me understand what is a unique situation that I've found myself in. As nothing I could find is really relevant to me I thought I'd join this and ask for your opinions!

 

I apologise in advance for the length...it's a long story but here goes.

 

I remember the first time I saw her. It was in the school canteen after I banged my head on the till whilst retrieving items I'd dropped on the floor. I was 15 and she was 14, we both had a laugh and I went about my day. We started noticing each other all the time and I found out my brother in her year was good friends with her. I managed to get her email address and we started speaking constantly every evening and she'd act all shy and nervous around me at school. I found out her boyfriend was a guy in my year and I knew nothing would happen but loved talking to her every night until we both went to sleep.

 

This carried on for the duration of school and when I started driving I'd go to hers and we'd sit in the car talking for hours on end, although it never went further than that. Her and her bf hit the rocks and although she was always "out of my league" physically...I thought it was a matter of time before we'd get together. They split and within a week she was seeing the "bad boy" that she'd always had a crush on. I kind of let her get on with it and had to go out and see them together, be pally with him and basically just accept it for what it was even though it killed me.

 

Fast forward 7 years...in that time he'd cheated a few times, I had thought I'd get a chance but she always went back to him like he had a hold over her. I moved to the other end of the country, partly to get away from her and meet a girl for myself and we didn't speak for 2 years (out of sight out of mind but I still thought about her occasionally). In November last year I randomly got a Facebook message from her (we weren't friends on it) saying I looked like a random celebrity and we started talking again. It was brief at first but as it always had done it progressed into a constant all day, all night textathon. A few months later when I was visiting home we went for a coffee and she told me how he had been texting another girl and she tried to end it but they had just bought a house and he managed to keep hold of her. When I heard this and saw the tears in her eyes I felt like I had to take responsibility for her happiness and make sure she'd always be happy. I was now a popular guy with girls and knew she was no longer out of my league...this was confirmed when to my surprise she told me I could have kissed her if I'd wanted and our relationship went to a place it'd never been before. I went back home and we were calling from 7am (when her boyfriend went to work) to 12pm every day.

 

Texting without 5 minutes break until we could speak later on the phone. The next time I came home we slept together...it was amazing...I'd loved her for almost 10 years and never even kissed her. This all continued for around 3 or 4 months...I saw her every day when I was visiting home and she'd say how it was the hardest thing ever me being so far away. She told me shed never been like this with anybody before...I made everything better and she couldn't live without me in her life. She went on holiday with him and her phone didn't work...so she got her brother to message me telling me that and her mum to get her phone working...she literally couldn't go a day without speaking. I moved home for her and spent a lot of money paying off the last 3 months of my tenancy, bills etc. She found out her boyfriend had cheated on her...broke up with him and ran to me.

 

She was saying how nobody could know about us as they'd maybe figure out what had been going on (she cares so much what people think and her friends always saw me as the obsessed loser anyway). Things were good and then all of a sudden she started pulling away. I became paranoid about other guys and terrified I'd lose her again. I stayed at the same level as we always were while she pulled away and couldn't help but text loads and want to see her as that was the level we has always been at. She told me she needed space, it was too much, her head was not right and that her feelings had changed.

 

I know I shouldn't have tried to force things but from how we'd been I couldn't understand how she could just stop like that. We then slept together again and had 2 or so weeks when it seemed back to normal. I knew she was texting another guy and obviously this got me more paranoid. I started seeing her on nights out and she'd kind of blank me because her friends didn't know about me...it got to the point where her friends would tell me to go away (as they had no idea and thought I was just annoying her). I then saw her talking to this guy and got pretty mad...I was very drunk and angry and again her mates thought I was a muppet. The next day she told me I'd ruined everything and she didn't want us anymore. Since then she's been on holiday and not really text me unless I initiated things. I had a feeling shed been seeing this guy and she always refuted it.

 

We met to say goodbye and she held my hand, said I meant so much to her, said she did always intend to be with me but her feelings have changed now. I saw her out last week and ignored her all night...kissed another girl infront of her and she's since told me she enjoyed seeing me have fun and liked to see me happy...wants me to move on and be happy. We hadn't really spoken again and I saw her out at the weekend. She was with this guy again but he really doesn't care about her...he's the kind of player I used to be and only cares about how many girls he scores with. This probably attracts her and I know he gives her enough string to keep her there. Anyway I ended up talking to her after the club closed while he walked off leaving her.

 

I was very drunk but I'd never seen her this bad before. She had no money and her phone had no battery. I looked after her so much and paid for our taxi back to her Dads house. I didn't want anything to happen as I knew it'd be a step backwards but after her begging ended up sleeping with her. I then found out she'd slept with this guy and left in the morning. We basically spoke for a few days and she said she doesn't want us to go back to relying on each other because she doesn't want anything anymore. Now we've not spoken for a few days and she said we won't stop talking.

 

She's said she knows I'm the best thing she'll ever have, I'm the only person she can trust now and she wishes she wanted it more but her head won't let her. I know I've been too easy...I know I've been too available and a bit clingy. I just can't understand after 10 years of this thing we've always had it ends with her chasing some helmet that she knows will treat her like a piece of meat and has said she could never see herself in a relationship with! The girl told me she loved me and I was her best friend.

 

I'm sure I'll get people telling me to run a mile but we've been friends since we were kids. Her house isn't sold yet and she's had her ex basically saying the same things as me trying not to lose her. I don't know if she just wants to be single and she never has been but it's definitely not her to behave in this way. Drinking so much. Spending so much money, acting like a 16 year old. She's told me she's so lost and her head is so ruined. I still care so much I feel responsible because I'm the only person she semi opens up to and I know how messed up she is. Its easy to walk away from girls...I've never committed to one and I'm 24. I just find it so hard to walk away from one of my closest friends of 10 years when she's clearly messed up after her break up.

 

Anyway I'm not sure many people would have read this in its entirety and I know it's such a unique situation. If one person tries to understand and help me figure it out ill be grateful.

 

Thanks

Edited October 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[flight E]

Read it. Think u should run a mile. She is too fickle and unstable you cannot be attractive to her unless u treat her badly

[flight E]

Most girls are like her but she is quite extreme in that tendency. Unless u had treated her like meat she can never feel that gut attraction 4 u. Ur best bet is to go strict nc

[flight E]

Just out of that kind of relationship. Any other behaviour to those types of girls is deemed weakness, neediness and clingyness. She definitely likes you but she can't feel that gut attractn 4 u unless you treat her lik she is just anoder ass

[Zahara]

I'm sure I'll get people telling me to run a mile but we've been friends since we were kids. Her house isn't sold yet and she's had her ex basically saying the same things as me trying not to lose her. I don't know if she just wants to be single and she never has been but it's definitely not her to behave in this way. Drinking so much. Spending so much money, acting like a 16 year old. She's told me she's so lost and her head is so ruined. I still care so much I feel responsible because I'm the only person she semi opens up to and I know how messed up she is. Its easy to walk away from girls...I've never committed to one and I'm 24. I just find it so hard to walk away from one of my closest friends of 10 years when she's clearly messed up after her break up.

 

First of all, your situation isn't unique. Get that out of your head because it only makes you romanticize something that isn't.

 

Secondly, you WERE friends. All that changed when you became emotional. Just because you were friends since you were kids DOES NOT justify you hurting yourself and acting like a doormat. You are not her guardian, her saviour, her babysitter or her counsellor. Your sole responsibility is to take care of yourself, first.

 

She is a grown woman, with the ability to take charge of her life, the way SHE chooses to do so. She likes the bad boys. You cannot help her or change but what you will do is be her in between guy when she's seeking her next guy. Change comes when someone decides they need help and desire to be better. You can't change people. All you are doing is being a crutch that enables her behavior.

 

Again, she isn't your friend anymore, at least for now. You want to help her, do it when you are emotionally detached and have moved on with your life. Being available to her while you are attached to her doesn't help YOU in any way. It will only tear you down and hurt you. You are then no good to anyone. You are your priority.

 

If she doesn't value what you have to offer, you need to move on and stop trying to force it by being the nice guy, hoping she'll appreciate it and be with you.