I am upset that my b

[very-confused-girl]

 

Hello everybody!

 

First of all I want to justify my bad English cuz I come from Czech republic and the reason why I wrote here is because there are not so many quality forums on the czech internet. To make it shorter, basically I am 23 year old girl and have a 35 year old boyfriend (Peter). We have been together now for more than one year and everything seems to be perfect except for one problem. He used to be more jealous of his previous girlfriends than he is of me now.

 

Unfortunately jealousy is considered by me as an evidence of love and it makes me feel wanted. My previous boyfriend wasnt jealous of me at all and therefore I am in a point of life now where I demand some jealousy from Peter´s side. The thing is that I am not very experienced with what exactly jealousy is as this is only my third relationship in my life. But to give you an example, at the beginning of our relationship I went to a holiday to Greece with my female friend and my Peter didnt want to let me go and when I came back he even set a trap on me, he asked our common friend to check me out. When I came back from Greece, this friend asked me whether I havent met any guy in Greece by any chance and I replied that I met a lots of people there and this friend said exactly this to Peter and Peter got very pissed off, wanted to leave me, didnt talk to me for two days, couldnt eat and sleep.

 

And sometimes when I put on a short skirt he starts freakin out, he gets upset sometimes if somebody sends me sms late at night and everytime I have a phone call Peter is asking me who that person was and even one time when I went to a swimming pool with my school mate, because he was a professional swimmer and I cant swim very well so my school mate offered me to teach me how to dive etc., Peter got very upset that I went to swimming pool and even was asking me questions such as whether the guy touched me etc.

 

So I should be quite satisfied because Peter is probably quite jealous of me, he has the right amount. He is jealous enough to show how he loves me but he it is still not so much that I would feel being stopped from doing things.

 

But Peter was more jealous of his previous girlfriends and I completely dont understand why. I think that if you love somebody, the more intensive feelings of love and happiness you get, the more intensive feelings of jealousy, worries and anger you must have. He claims he loves me at most, that he has never loved someone like he loves me and that I am the only girl he can imagine having kids with, so why the hell he is not more jealous of me than of his previous girls? It seems to me that he loves me less. In the same situations he behaves differently. One of his previous girlfriends had a friend who was trying to get into her pants. When Peter found it out, he threw away her simcard. Something similar happened to me. My friend was drunk and sent me sms saying he wanted me. In the same time I was with Peter and Peter was very interested what my friend wrote to me. I didnt want to show this sms to Peter but he got upset that I am hiding something from him so I had to show him this sms. Peter got upset but after a while he was ok again. So I am asking you, why he didnt throw away my simcard if he did it in his previous relationship?

 

Maybe I sound to you kinda strange but I cant help myself. It seems to me that he doesnt have any intentions of fighting for me that he had in his previous relationships. Peter says he is trying hard with me not to lose control, he started seeing things differently and although he is jealous of me as well but he learnt some tricks how to overcome his emotions. And the second reason why he doesnt get upset nowadays by things so much is because he realized he cant stop girls from doing what they want to do and girls usually get upset when somebody is jealous of them therefore he is trying to hold back his emotions. And he trusts me more as well.

 

I dont know what to do. I am finding myself doing things purpousefully to upset him and make him jealous and I know it can destroy our relationship but everytime he gets stired up it makes me feel good. Please help me I know my problem is probably not very usual. Many girls would like in a situation like me - having loving caring boyfriend who doesnt get unbeleivably upset and tolerating lots of things.

 

Do you think he is jealous of me? What shall I do to make him more jealous? Shall I try to make him more jealous at all? Thanks for any reply!

[Merin]

What!?

 

So let me see if I've got this.. You're upset because your boyfriend hasn't become a stalker in your life, Is okay with you having friends and a life, hasn't thrown away your simcard to your phone and done other things to display his jealousy "adequately"

 

 

So you continue to do things to try and make him feel insecure and MORE jealous because somehow it makes you feel good.. this isn't okay.

 

Did it ever occur to you that the last relationship Peter had DIDN'T work out? Hmmm.. could it have been because he was to controlling, and insecure and it drove his last girlfriend to get the hell out of there? So then Peter meets you, and maybe he learned a little from his previous relationship that behaving in a controlling insecure manner is what drove his last girlfriend away.. and he doesn't want to make the same mistake with you.

 

Now you say you feel how much jealousy he shows you is a measure of his love for you? Well let me ask you a question.. is your wanting to make him feel insecure about himself the way you show him you love him? When you love someone, you DON'T go out of your way to make the person you love question themselves and feel insecure or badly.

 

This isn't Peters issue.. it's yours.

 

IMO you had better be careful what you wish for.. IF you continue to play these ridiculous little games, you might just get what you think you want so much.. and be very sorry for it later.

[The_Analyzer]

The fact you feel that someone being jealous makes you feel loved and wanted must come from something in your childhood. Maybe get into some counseling and get to the root of why you feel your b/f should feel jealous. Just a suggestion.

 

 

_________________________

"Don't argue with me, you wont win."

[binturong]

You sound very immature to me. You shouldn't want your BF to be jealous. It sounds to me that Peter grew up and learned to stop letting his jealousy make him do irrational things (like throwing away his ex's sim card).

[very-confused-girl]

Thank you everybody for your replies. You kinda tough to me but probably I deserve it I even got to a stage where I am trying to work out some ways how to make him jealous by doing things that no of his girlfriends done in the past. For example when we walk on the street and I notice a good looking guy I always say to Peter:"This guy is very good looking, dont u think?" And of course couple of times Peter was jealous about it and said:"You shouldnt be telling me that, it is not fair on me and loyal as well. None of my past girlfriends were talking about other guys when they were with me..." But then I always think to myself: ´you know Peter, thats exactly why I am doing this. My activity doesnt make you jealous any more cuz you have become resistant to many things and therefore I am trying to work out new ways how to make you jealous...´

 

I know that this is completely my mistake. Of course I realize that theres something wrong with me. Maybe because my last boyfriend didnt absolutely give a **** what I was doing and was taking me for granted a big time, therefore maybe I am seeing jealousy as a prove of interest at least. Maybe it comes from the fact that I still live with my parents even at the age of 23 - here in Czech republic it is a different culture, children live with they parents for quite a long time. And the fact is that I am a daddy´s girl. He was always extremely worried about me, extremely caring and maybe because of that I have never become an adult and I require to be treated like a kid even by my boyfriends....

 

I know that I am playing with fire. When I met Peter, even before we get a chance to get to know each other, basically at very early stages of our relationship he told me his girlfriends were doing things he didnt like and if he spot the same things in my case, he would lose interest in me. He was talking about the fact that one of his girlfriends was extremely flirtatious. And guess what I am doing? Suddenly because I know that flirtatious behavior he doesnt like, therefore I am finding myself that I am flirting with other guys when Peter is around just to make him jealous and I know I can cross a certain boundary and I will lose him.

 

Thank you for your opinions but you really dont have even a little bit of empathy for me? It has never happened to you that jealousy would make you feel wanted?

[morrigan]

I require to be treated like a kid even by my boyfriends....

 

You deserve and should expect to be treated as an equal, not a child who needs a guardian for your behavior or morals. You need to figure out why you need this kind of reaction to feel loved. I am sorry that you feel this is a requirement for love.

 

Jealousy doesn't make me feel wanted, it makes me feel like a possession. Being considered the property of another person is not love, it's ownership. You have the right to wear anything you want and go on trips without a boyfriend's paranoid surveillance. Extremely jealous people often play mind games or use physical abuse to "teach" their partner how to behave. It isn't a relationship, it's a Pavlov experiment.

 

On the other hand, deliberately antagonizing a boyfriend with flirtatious comments/behavior towards other men isn't a wise idea. A smart man will eventually dump you. A mean man will dominate you.

[very-confused-girl]

Thanks Morrigan,

 

I know what you mean. Basically other people dont like if their partner is jealous of them.

 

As you wrote this:"You have the right to wear anything you want and go on trips without a boyfriend's paranoid surveillance." For me, the fact that he was jealous about me going to trip etc is something that is really making me feel that he is worried and doesnt take me for granted. I met couple of women who liked if their partner was to some extent jealous as well. I am probably not the only girl who feels this way.

 

How would you all feel if you partner allowed you to do absolutely everything? Lets say you would want to go to a disco and your boyfriend would be absolutely OK with it? Without even having a little bit of fear? I would feel that my boyfriend has such a high confidence that he thinks of himself being a superman and doesnt have any level of self-critisism and therefore he doesnt have to be worried about me going to disco cuz he believes that I wouldnt find anybody better than him as he is so up-himself. Or another option - that he trusts me so much that he literally is taking me for granted.

 

Dont u think?

[morrigan]

Actually, I've went to discos with my female friends and concerts by myself (my boyfriend had to work and couldn't attend). He has absolutely no problems with that. He has also went to concerts when I was not able to go. It's a good thing to have some sort of life without your boyfriend/girlfriend always around.

 

I do agree some people want their partner to be mildly jealous of them--it can make you feel desired. But I'm not talking about forbidding someone to go out or always spying on them. That's overly possessive. It's not wrong to have other people find your partner attractive, it's actually a compliment. It's not wrong to mildly flirt, as long as you don't take it serious or attempt to contact the same individual again. My boyfriend has said he would only feel jealousy if I wanted to date someone else other than him.

 

He doesn't take me for granted, he knows that I have no interest in running around with other men when I'm dating someone. It isn't because he thinks he's superior, it's because he knows my opinion on cheating. If I ever wanted to cheat, I've had opportunities. I just don't think it's a smart idea to juggle that much crap at one time. He feels the same way.

 

You are an adult--you have your autonomy. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who feels they have the right to chastise me or change the way I think or act. It would be rather like a child-parent relationship. The other person considers themselves to be superior to you in judgement.

[very-confused-girl]

Actually I do feel the same way. I as well dont like if somebody is controlling me and stopping me from doing things. So if my boyfriend hadnt told me about his approach to his exgirlfriends I would have been completely satisfied nowadays with his amount of jealousy that he shows to me.

 

So my problem is not about Peter not being jealous enough, but that in the same situations he is less jealous of me than he was of his previous girls. And of course I dont expect that he is going to treat me the same way like he was treating a girl that he had 15 years ago, but his approach to me is quite even different from his approach to a girl that he had 2 or 3 year before he met me. And 2 or 3 years is not such a long time for a person to change.

 

He is less jealous of me than of a girl he had in 2001. Because he couldnt change so much in last 3 years, therefore the only reason I can think of is that he loves me less, or he considers me less beautifull therefore he thinks I dont have so many chances to be hit on by guys as his previous girlfriend.

 

So my problem is that I do always feel a bit funny as soon as I find out that there´s difference in his approaches and behaviors between me and his previous girls. Because I think that his approach should be the same to all his girlfriends. And if I spot a difference between his approach to me and his exgirlfriends it makes me feel inferior. I always have these unpleasant thoughts:'If Peter loved me the SAME way that he loved his exgirlfriends or MORE, his feeling for me would be MORE intensive, even feelings of jealousy. And because he is LESS jealous of me THAN OF HIS PREVIOUS GIRLFRIENDS it means he loves me less now.

 

And this whole situation causes another problem as well - I cant stop comparing myself to his exgirlfriends very much and I do feel inferior. Maybe it comes from the fact that he was telling me lots of stories about them.

[very-confused-girl]

Can anybody out there please give me some more advice and how to deal with this problem???

[adrift_at_sea]

http://www.tc.umn.edu/%7Eparkx032/CY-JEAL.html

 

read that. I know your case is the exact opposite of what the article is talking about, but it may help you come to an real understanding of how wrong your actions are. You will find most couples think that jealousy is a curse in a relationship. It isnt something you should be striving for. Perhaps Peter loves you more than any of his previous girlfriends and knows that if he becomes jealous and possessive, he will lose you.

 

If he treats you with respect and shows genuine affection towards you when you are together, you shouldnt question his love for you. This is definately an issue within yourself. Like the others have said, if you continue to play these games with him, you will lose him in exactly the way you didnt want to.

 

Constantly comparing yourself to his ex-gf and trying to be "better" than they are is only going to make you an ex as well.

 

You are seeking reassurance of Peter's love for you by trying to make him jealous; what you should be seeing is that he respects and trusts you enough to give you the freedom to go out and have fun, knowing that the love you have for each other will mean that you will never cheat on him.