in laws don't treat me as part of the family

[Daisy7]

I posted about my MIL about worries of her hurting herself because of her threats but realized is all for attention seeking she won't really do anything.

 

Moving on, my husband NEVER checks his emails so now his parents email me speaking directly to my husband as though my email is his email. His dad doesn't even consider me to say in the email hi daisy how are you can you please tell so and so blah blah blah. No they dont ask about me they are blunt directing everything to him when in fact is MY email address they are sending it to and he KNOWS is my email because my MIL emailed me to tell me that my FIL asked her for my email (we live far from them) The first time his dad emailed me i responded by telling him hi how are you am so glad to hear from you everything is good etc and to tell him about his son. I did this so he knows is my personal email address and not my husband's. Well he never responded to that, instead he kept emailing me as though i was my husband. They have no regards for me what so ever. Their son is an ******* and i put up with so much crap and on top of this to be regarded so little by my in laws is truly infuriating. They treat me as though i am just a dog on the street. When we have known each other all of us for over 8 years now! This truly gets me so mad.

 

I am visiting my parents for vacation and am going alone, should i say something when i go back his parents live in the same city as mines and out of courtesy i will have to visit my husband's parents.

 

his mother doesn't email me anymore because one time i told her is unfair for her to call my husband to just tell him her marital issues when my husband is far away and he cant really do anything other than "okay mom don't fight with dad" like really and she makes my husband feel like crap because he can't really fix anything and then i have to deal with my husband's emotions after he hangs up the phone! every time she is so called "depressed" she calls my husband to complain how unfair her husband treats her, but then when she emails me is the complete opposite she tells me another story about how crazy she is and that she is seen now a psychiatrist. Oh yea and apparently am just a factory for making babies other than that they dont even ask about me. His mother only tells me to get pregnant already! Thats how lovely my in laws are.... so infuriating.

 

I just want them to respect me and consider me as the WIFE of his son that i am and not his son's private messenger/secretary to deliver their messages to him because he doesn't bother to call them! any thoughts... had to vent am so upset

[coolheadal]

Not much you can do with these in-laws you have there. Best to stand back and let them handle their internal family business. You are married to their Son your Husband that's it. Your not married his family. You are still considered an outsider outside the internal family. This is how it is and found that out too when I had issues with Ex parents and family. They only care for each other as they can do no wrong but you will always be outside their family circle.

 

Don't expect them to say Hi how are you doing in emails. They should but they don't know better to say Hi back to you when you do it. I would just either past on the message to your husband or just don't even reply back.

 

Best to kept away from a family like this that doesn't recognize you for you! I use to no got with the Ex to her parents. Then they would say where I was or call me to come over. Let them do the calling directly to you. Best this way you can always say no I am busy or you just can't come over right now your in the middle of something.

 

Almost of it play game they're doing to you. Might be wrong but this is how they're treating you right now. Your husband should say something to his parents I see they're not happy either well his parents.

 

So for you focus on THE NOW! With you and your husband and not his parents.

[nescafe1982]

Yeah, I see a general disregard for boundaries here; this isn't you, this is that your in-laws don't believe in healthy boundaries at all. I'm more concerned with your husband's mother trying to involve her son in her romantic dramas... that's a really abusive dynamic and I hope your husband id dealing with it okay. This kind of boundary-crossing is more insidious, and more psychologically damaging, than your MIL's refusal to recognize your email as yours.

 

In your in-laws' world, the family must be so enmeshed that they are incapable of recognizing that one email is yours, and another belongs to your husband. You may have to give up that battle. But you can, if you wish just forward each email they send to you to your husband.

 

As for the rest? I would encourage you to find and stick to your own boundaries. Encourage your husband to do the same (although it might be more difficult for him given that he likely grew up in an environment lacking appropriate boundaries, so be patient as he learns how).

 

I would never expect them to recognize your role, only because that cedes the power to them and they seem incapable. Instead, focus on your relationship with husband, stop trying to get approval from the in-laws (it sounds like they cannot give it anyway), and try to support the husband as he wrangles them. I would certainly not make an out-of-your-way trip to visit them, especially alone. That would only be hurtful for you. Steer clear.

 

Good luck! My parents sound familiar to your in-laws so I wish you the best.

 

Edit to add: what you're describing sounds like triangulation: where family members talk "around" one another about their problems instead of being direct. MIL calls son to complain about dad, MIL and FIL email you instead of son, you then become drawn into whatever the content of those emails are, between soon and in-laws. It's a classic codependent/narcissistic pattern and is worth doing some research on. It might help you find some coping strategies. I didn't read your previous thread about MIL, but her pattern there also sounds like narcissism to me. Anyway, some ideas for study materials.

Edited September 27, 2013 by nescafe1982

[Daisy7]

thank you everyone, i have to visit my in laws while i am in town at least one day otherwise i will seem the rude one to not pass by while in town visiting and my husband will be upset too if i don't, just out of courtesy.

I realized that from now on, i will ignore their emails, i don't even tell my husband anymore that his parents email me. I just leave it alone, if they want to talk to him they can call him directly and talk to him. from now on am not going to care anymore about them. I realized his family is dysfunctional and they have been in that environment since i can remember. This is not new his parents have always had issues and its affecting my marriage because i cant stay quiet while they torment my husband with their ridiculous issues. Therefore i will just ignore it and not respond to any emails. His dad emails me from time to time, i just ignore it and never respond. His mom stopped emailing me i guess she got angry with me which am really happy for some strange reason because her anger made her leave me and my husband alone for a while and for that am thankful is that bad?

 

They do drag me in to their issues by using me as a messenger, i started a while back by telling her if you want to tell your son something give him a call yourself and communicate with him directly.

 

My husband is just as dysfunctional we fight a lot from time to time, am so sick of it already and i am starting to want to just walk away and leave him with his dysfunctional family. I am trying to work hard for my marriage but i feel i can't breath he is just like his dad, aggressive, jealous (his dad is a drunk when he isnt sober) and my husband began to drink, am just getting fed up, i refuse to be 50 and still deal with my husband's insecurities.

 

am so stressed out am happy for this alone time vacation coming up to my parents house i cant wait!!!! im thinking of extending the stay at my parents!

Edited September 28, 2013 by Daisy7

[Tayla]

OP Stated: "Im just getting fed up, i refuse to be 50 and still deal with my husband's insecurities."

 

May I suggest some third party intervention, someone who is objective in thought and circumstance. A divorce lawyer comes to mind. I do not see this marriage lasting if that is your process as stated above. Humans' by nature spend their life working thru insecurities, Sorry that you do not want to be around to deal with it...Most spouses take the good with the challenging...

Step back , regroup and enjoy your parents time. Sounds like ultimately you've got your mind made up on what to do....

[nescafe1982]

 

My husband is just as dysfunctional we fight a lot from time to time, am so sick of it already and i am starting to want to just walk away and leave him with his dysfunctional family. I am trying to work hard for my marriage but i feel i can't breath he is just like his dad, aggressive, jealous (his dad is a drunk when he isnt sober) and my husband began to drink, am just getting fed up, i refuse to be 50 and still deal with my husband's insecurities.

 

For what it's worth, OP, opting for total and complete disengagement with your in-laws is playing into their drama just as much as if you were being their doormat. It's the opposite extreme, and just as unhealthy.

 

No, the only healthy way forward is to nurture your marriage until you and your husband are a team in dealing with his parents as honestly as possible. This quoted portion sounds a lot more like you throwing him to the wolves... that's not loving behavior. If the marriage is truly too much work for you, then by all means end it. But if you love your husband and truly want this thing to get better, you're going to have to put in some effort.

 

I would begin with some reading about families with narcissistic or otherwise toxic patterns. If you can come to understand the environment your husband grew up in, you might come to understand how to best help him separate himself from his parents and their toxicity.

 

But you have to want to do it, and he also has to want it. You both have to get ready to work together on this thing. So the first thing that needs changing is your attitude.

 

Edit to add: OP, the feelings behind your post are completely and totally understandable given the situation you've found yourself in. My post might seem a little harsh, but please know it's the decision to ignore the problem (and not the feelings behind this impulse, which are understandable as a self-defense mechanism) that I find problematic and counterproductive to goal you want. That goal being a healthy marriage with proper boundaries between you and your in-laws.

Edited September 28, 2013 by nescafe1982

[Daisy7]

For what it's worth, OP, opting for total and complete disengagement with your in-laws is playing into their drama just as much as if you were being their doormat. It's the opposite extreme, and just as unhealthy.

 

No, the only healthy way forward is to nurture your marriage until you and your husband are a team in dealing with his parents as honestly as possible. This quoted portion sounds a lot more like you throwing him to the wolves... that's not loving behavior. If the marriage is truly too much work for you, then by all means end it. But if you love your husband and truly want this thing to get better, you're going to have to put in some effort.

 

I would begin with some reading about families with narcissistic or otherwise toxic patterns. If you can come to understand the environment your husband grew up in, you might come to understand how to best help him separate himself from his parents and their toxicity.

 

But you have to want to do it, and he also has to want it. You both have to get ready to work together on this thing. So the first thing that needs changing is your attitude.

 

Edit to add: OP, the feelings behind your post are completely and totally understandable given the situation you've found yourself in. My post might seem a little harsh, but please know it's the decision to ignore the problem (and not the feelings behind this impulse, which are understandable as a self-defense mechanism) that I find problematic and counterproductive to goal you want. That goal being a healthy marriage with proper boundaries between you and your in-laws.

 

The thing is that he does not realize how toxic his parents are, and i try to be nice and slowly work with him to come to a resolution but he is not willing to work with me, he always accepts his parents nonesense and he is just as aggressive towards me one time he got angry and broke porcelain plates on the floor near me and the shards made small cuts on my legs. I hate his family i have tried and tried again to be good to them and support them when my husband didnt pay mind but i fear am just starting to get fed up. He does not listen, i can't have a conversation with him without him getting mad so quickly and snap.

[nescafe1982]

The thing is that he does not realize how toxic his parents are, and i try to be nice and slowly work with him to come to a resolution but he is not willing to work with me, he always accepts his parents nonesense and he is just as aggressive towards me one time he got angry and broke porcelain plates on the floor near me and the shards made small cuts on my legs. I hate his family i have tried and tried again to be good to them and support them when my husband didnt pay mind but i fear am just starting to get fed up. He does not listen, i can't have a conversation with him without him getting mad so quickly and snap.

 

Yikes! That's terrible, OP! Yes, both you and husband must be willing/ready to work on this thing, sadly. Have you proposed some third party counseling? Would you/he be willing to do that?

 

It does indeed sound like the husband is himself recreating his toxic relationship patterns with you. You may have to call in the professionals on this one.

[Daisy7]

he would not be wiling to do counseling, i have decided to not have kids with him, the day if we ever did i know it would be an issue with his controlling mother and he would stand by her and not me. Specially how his parents act with me and he says nothing and if i tell him he just tells me am overreacting

[nescafe1982]

he would not be wiling to do counseling, i have decided to not have kids with him, the day if we ever did i know it would be an issue with his controlling mother and he would stand by her and not me. Specially how his parents act with me and he says nothing and if i tell him he just tells me am overreacting

 

Have you considering some counseling for you? I mean, everything you're going through, all of these pressing feelings and frustrations, it's very stressful. They are all things that it might help to have an outside, professional opinion on. It could be a source of strength for you as you try to figure out what to do next. And a trained professional could give you better advice than any message board (I'm an absolute novice, I'll admit).

 

If he won't go with you, you can go for yourself. It couldn't hurt, and who knows, it might help.

 

Good luck, your situation sounds very frustrating.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Block the emails.

[Daisy7]

She emailed me again that she got into a fight with her husband to tell my husband wtf, am so angry right now because everything i have said to her in the past is pretty much pointless. I don't respond to her emails anymore if she wants to find out about her son, she can email him and drive him crazy herself. I am blocking her from now on, it will only cause fights between me and my husband. Am done, the thing is i have to see her this month when i go visit my parents out of courtesy for my husband, since i am traveling alone, should i tell her anything about how she is acting when i go visit her? what should i say?