I regret doing this but can it be fixed with a break?

[k0rl0]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months and he is very old fashioned and since ive been cheated and lied to my whole life i kinda talked to a couple friends who would hit on me when we had a bump in the relationship. he never talked to girls and he was very commited. I didnt know he was that serious with me but when he finally told me and we were gonna try at the relationship seriously he wanted to make sure so he asked for my phone and i was dishonest cuz i did keep contact w some friends in the very begining of the relationship, basically he didnt want me to have any guy friends and hanging out if they liked me. so he got mad and was about to break up but then his mom heard us talking about it and she said he should give me a chance, one last chance. i told him that since he said he was serious w me that i was gonna show him w everyday actions that hes the one i love and i was begining to but how if he had to look through my past? him and his mom talked and he came back to tell me that we should take a break, that he is very mad couldnt be with me then, to take some time off for now but who knows when we come back. he said that during that time we could see what i end up doing with my time. so i agreed and immediately erased all social media and changed my number. now what? will he even try to return? a break, wouldnt he have just broken up with me and not have to deal with it? i am very confused, why not just end it? means he might still want to give it a chance but just needs to cool off?

[Heart of the Desert]

how long had you been seeing eachother when you were contacting these other men?

[Misfortune]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months and he is very old fashioned and since ive been cheated and lied to my whole life i kinda talked to a couple friends who would hit on me when we had a bump in the relationship. he never talked to girls and he was very commited. I didnt know he was that serious with me but when he finally told me and we were gonna try at the relationship seriously he wanted to make sure so he asked for my phone and i was dishonest cuz i did keep contact w some friends in the very begining of the relationship, basically he didnt want me to have any guy friends and hanging out if they liked me. so he got mad and was about to break up but then his mom heard us talking about it and she said he should give me a chance, one last chance. i told him that since he said he was serious w me that i was gonna show him w everyday actions that hes the one i love and i was begining to but how if he had to look through my past? him and his mom talked and he came back to tell me that we should take a break, that he is very mad couldnt be with me then, to take some time off for now but who knows when we come back. he said that during that time we could see what i end up doing with my time. so i agreed and immediately erased all social media and changed my number. now what? will he even try to return? a break, wouldnt he have just broken up with me and not have to deal with it? i am very confused, why not just end it? means he might still want to give it a chance but just needs to cool off?

 

I think that this might be a test to see what you choose to do, be with him or find someone else. He's probably letting you go so you can so your wild oats if that's what you choose to do, get it out of your system.

 

Idk, I feel that you should have tried to keep a bit of contact with him so he can see that you want him and no1 else.

[k0rl0]

how long had you been seeing eachother when you were contacting these other men?

 

It was just in the first month amd we broke up for a week and I hung out w a friend but nothing else but he saw it and I told him it was the past and I was gonna prove to him because he said he was serious w me. I went my whole life getting cheated on, so I cant completely give in when its the same story overs and overs so I was already proving it but he saw my past and bothered him, he dont believe me.

[k0rl0]

It was just in the first month amd we broke up for a week and I hung out w a friend but nothing else but he saw it and I told him it was the past and I was gonna prove to him because he said he was serious w me. I went my whole life getting cheated on, so I cant completely give in when its the same story overs and overs so I was already proving it but he saw my past and bothered him, he dont believe me.

 

 

I talked to the guys the first month but he found all of it seven months later

[ExpatInItaly]

I talked to the guys the first month but he found all of it seven months later

 

Hm. So you haven't spoken to those guys in the last six months?

[k0rl0]

Hm. So you haven't spoken to those guys in the last six months?

 

no yes i saw an old friend. like he gave me time and see what i do with my off time from him and he said he cant be with me right now but if something happens he will find out or well... maybe he wont. so idk if he will return

i changed my number and deleted all social media. i know ive been thinking about what i want and i stay away from anything that could lead him to thinking im cheating. im using my time wisely to show that i can be trusted by him...

[Heart of the Desert]

So you only spoke with or saw other men within the first month of dating? Nothing happened with these men? Generaly when I start dating someone things are not serious or exclusive within the first month (unless they are a close friend who I have known a while and we are both in love with eachother). I think your boyfriend needs to take a chill. After deciding to make things "seroius" he asks to see your cell phone to be sure? that sounds like very untrusting insecure behavior. He dumps you because you spoke with other men within the first month of getting to know eachother. You hav not spoken with these men in six months and he is freaking out about it. I can understand him being uncomfortable with it but this is no reason to break it off. Here he has you commiting to something serious and he decides the flip about something that happened six months ago when you first met. I think you two could possibly salvage things but he needs to be willing to look at his behaviour as well. Don't let him throw all of this blame on you. Relationships are a two way street and you both help create the dynamic.

[crederer]

I'm confused. You did talk to other men, or you didn't? I don't think he'd freak out this bad if you hadn't spoken to any of these guys.

 

There really isn't a difference between a break and a break up unless there have been stipulations placed on the "break". In this case, it doesn't sound like there were any agreed upon rules set out, so you've simply been dumped.

 

Like someone else said, he may be testing to see how you react, or he may have decided it's time for him to move on because he doesn't trust you.

[Heart of the Desert]

yea i am confused as well. When did you see this old friend? what does that even mean you saw an old friend? he is upset that you met up with a friend?

[crederer]

Male friend that she used to have a fling with, or a male friend that tried to get in her pants at one point or another, I presume.

[k0rl0]

Yes people i hung out with this guy but we broke up for a week and didnt think he was coming back but he did. I hung out w the guy as a friend and the guys I used to talk to was a long time ago but he got mad cuz he said I was dishonest. So I just know that I can be just into him even in this break. Im not even contacting any of those guys. I just wonder if after all that that he would be willing to get back on track

[k0rl0]

This is what im trying to do. I havent even contacted him in 4 days since I changed my number. I know I can walk away and theres other good looking guys but not better than him, we did have something special. I guess I just hope he cam believe me. He is so worth it and really hope he can just give it one last try, ill be serious the way he said hes serious.

[spiderowl]

It's really hard to tell from what you are saying whether he is justified in having concerns about you or if he is being controlling. I don't think a partner has the right to ask for your phone to check who you've been talking to. If he doesn't trust you, he doesn't trust you and he might as well leave. If he does trust you, then he's being controlling by asking for your phone and expecting you to 'behave' well when he has effectively put you on trial.

 

Let's put it this way, if I knew I'd behaved in an unfaithful way and the guy was justified, I might try to show him I'm genuine. But if in my mind I had been faithful, I would bitterly resent his attitude and see him as too controlling.

[Quiet Storm]

If you love him, wait for him. Don't contact any guys. Fill your time with activities, friends, family, hobbies, exercise, work. ANYTHING but other guys.

 

I see many friends, colleagues whose relationships get stuck because of a past issue. People think these kinds of things in early dating are no big deal, but they end up being a HUGE deal, later in the relationship. Your character shows others how you are, how you react, how you behave. If you lie- saying "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. You've got to prove you are trustworthy. And it can take a long time. Sometimes it doesn't surface until you are married, with kids...and it ends up making your babies lives SO MUCH HARDER!

 

Be loyal, trustworthy, tell him everything now... leave nothing to be discovered later. This is your man... be honest. You need him to love you, warts and all, and the only way to do that is to tell him what's up, with 100% honesty.

 

Real, honest, genuine love is awesome. It is patience, vulnerabilty and sacrifice, but it is SO worth it.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[k0rl0]

Just cuz I never trusted anyone in my past then when we had a problem I did flirt w someone and he saw the texts so it hurt him. Amd thats cuz I thought he wasnt too serious w me so later I did feel bad cuz things got better but like I said, he did go through my past, it was the past but he stilll didnt trust me so I cant feel so disturbed w his action even even though I wasn't texting the boy anymore. Idk thing is I did flirt but no cheating so I feel like I can go back back and just be me and have me trusted again but I hope its not too late :'(

[Heart of the Desert]

It's really hard to tell from what you are saying whether he is justified in having concerns about you or if he is being controlling. I don't think a partner has the right to ask for your phone to check who you've been talking to. If he doesn't trust you, he doesn't trust you and he might as well leave. If he does trust you, then he's being controlling by asking for your phone and expecting you to 'behave' well when he has effectively put you on trial.

 

Let's put it this way, if I knew I'd behaved in an unfaithful way and the guy was justified, I might try to show him I'm genuine. But if in my mind I had been faithful, I would bitterly resent his attitude and see him as too controlling.

 

This.

You have not been very clear about the timeline of events that have happened so it is hard to get a proper read on the situation. It either sounds like he is being controlling or you were emotionaly cheating but since you have not been clear as to when exactly it was that you hung out with this "friend" and when you flirted with someone, it is hard tell what sort of situation you are in. I understand things are emotional right now and it is difficult but if you are a bit more clear with us on the series of events that took place than maybe we could better help you out.

a what point in the relationship did each significant event take place?

[k0rl0]

I understand things are emotional right now and it is difficult but if you are a bit more clear with us on the series of events that took place than maybe we could better help you out.

a what point in the relationship did each significant event take place?

 

Okay let me be more clear. I really feel guilty and do regret it, but thank all of you for your feedback.

 

So in the very beginning I didnt cut off ties w guys that liked me but eventually I did completely like after 2 months and I fell for my bf and we got along so great! Then after 6 months and we had some issues that wore us out and the way he deals w things is to go into his shell but I needed him but we argued instead and he got mad cuz of how I had given him attitude and then we almost broke up but it we just kept distant and during that time a guy that had been after me reached me so I talked to him for a couple weeks and yes I flirted but I didnt take him seriously. Then later my bf and I talked and I decided to worn on my attitude so things got better and so amazing, I had already stopped talking to the guy but my bf went through my phone and he saw I talked to that guy so he got so hurt and mad and left me. I did everything possible but he said it would be hard to trust me again, we had previously agreed to not talk to other people or be going out n stuff. And so he felt betrayed. Then I seriously thought there was no hope cuz I did try to say im sorry and had left a note and a cd w a song dedicated to him so out of the no where he gave me a chance. I was in shock cuz hr had already told me he couldnt trust me and I felt like he didnt want me. So during that time which was like a week or maybe less and old friend that liked me contacted me and asked to go hiking w him so I agreed and well I realized I was wasting my time cuz I just wanted to be arou nd my bf. And then my bf called me that night after I hung out w the friend and he said that we were serious now and blah blah. I was in shock again cuz no on has ever been serious, I mean all guys have always cheated on me so im not used to someone being as good as he is and when he said he was serious I wanted to really do the same and so I began to but the next day I saw him and we made up and we were happy to be together again and all excired but he said to gain trust in me that he had to look through my phone so I let him and he saw the texts about he friend I hiked with. He got mad again and said after he had given me a chance and I told him that after he said he wss serious then I immediately wanted to as well but he said it was too late. That he just couldnt trust me :/

So now its been 4 days. Idk if I should contact him but I stayed away from all guys and I want to accomplish certain things

[k0rl0]

Hahaha I was falling asleep when I wrote this, but what I meant by wanting to accomplish certain things is to accomplish in making myself better. I find myself praying more which brings me to peace and also im putting my mind straight.

[Heart of the Desert]

Hey thanks, I feel like I understand a bit more of what happened.

Quick question first. How old are you folks?

[k0rl0]

Were kinda old :/ im 26 and hes 25. I havent done much dating

[Heart of the Desert]

Right on, thanks for painting a clearer picture for us.

 

It seems to me like things have been rocky from the get go. At only two months in you are having arguments that are resulting in potential break up. A break up on the grounds that YOU need to work on YOUR attitude. What about him? Relationships are a two way thing. Then at only around two months in (not that it is ever approriate) he is going through your phone to see if he can trust you. And the pattern continues for the next few months. Argument, back together, he doesn't trust you goes through your phone. It seems like puts all the blame on you, like me has no responsibility in creating the dynamic between you two. I personaly do not tell someone I want to be exclusive then check there phone to see if i can trust them. I trust someone first and then because I trust them ask them to be exclusive.

Generaly I don't consider myself exclusive with some one until around three to four months and only after we have explicitly made that clear. He was upset about people you had contacted at around the two month mark? It sounds to me like he is insecure and potentialy controlling. Not to absolve you of responsibilty, as you did flirt with the idea of someone else around 6 months in. But things have been rocky from the get go so maybe your flirting with the idea of someone else is less a betrayall are more of an indication that things have not been all that great from the get go. On again, off again. These are patterns that once are established can continue through an entire relationship, for years!

 

For me personaly, if things are not going very well for the entire begining of a relationship, it is not worth it. Not that there will not be bumps in the road, but there has to be a high level of mature comuniction. Arguments within the first 2 months are a red flag. Checking your phone to see if he can "trust" you? It seems like he might have trust issues. Granted you may have not given him all the best reasons to trust you, but as I have said before relationships are a two way street and you both help create the dynamic. You broke up the first time might as well leave it that way, but the second and third time...

 

You two might be able to salvage things but only if you are both willing to work on your patterns together. But really I would say that you would be better off to work on yourself, learn from your mistakes, reflect on how you helped to create that dynamic, and move on. Don't let him convince you that it is all your fault and you are the sol reason things did not work out. He too will have to face his paterns if he wants to have a meaningful relationship with any one. Think about what you really want from a lasting relationship. Find someone where you don't have these patterns at the very begining of a relationship. The first few months of dating are about having fun and getting to know eachother, not about arguments and break ups.

 

P.S. I do think that the previous poster who mentioned the pitfall of going into a relationship with the "I have been cheated on in the past" mentality was totaly right. Clear up your baggage and don't take it into new relationships, it is only want for destruction.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Heart of the Desert

[k0rl0]

It was at six months that he went through my phone. I guess yea he did create it all just by going through my phone. Things were getting better and I didnt even talk to boys not even s friends anymore but had to go back to the past. Maybe for him It was diff and yea after. Couple months it was real serious w me but for me it was just gonna take a bit more time to get real real serious. I was begining to because things were just falling into place, they really were. Idk the more time goes by, the more im starting to realize whats important thank you but I still do think its hard to let go :c

[Keenly]

The red flag of the post for me was

 

 

" because I've been cheated on before, I started talking to other guys "

 

 

Where is the logic behind that one.

[Heart of the Desert]

It was at six months that he went through my phone. I guess yea he did create it all just by going through my phone. Things were getting better and I didnt even talk to boys not even s friends anymore but had to go back to the past. Maybe for him It was diff and yea after. Couple months it was real serious w me but for me it was just gonna take a bit more time to get real real serious. I was begining to because things were just falling into place, they really were. Idk the more time goes by, the more im starting to realize whats important thank you but I still do think its hard to let go :c

 

Oh I am sorry I read your post wrong you did mention that the arguing happened at 6 months not two. Kinda changes a lot of what I wrote. My bad.

 

It still stands that trust is a two way thing. You have to give him a reason to trust you and he needs to be more secure in his trusting.

 

Again i appologize for missreading your post. It seems like, while he should not be going through your phone, you have given him reason to question your integrity. However, it does not feel like you have done something irreparable. You perhaps were emotionaly cheating, and I can understand his concern. But it is not like you followed through. I still think it stands that you both have communication issues to work on (as we all do).

 

The qestion is do you want to try and get him back? what does that look like? how can you both have a healthy happy relationship after this? or do you think it is better to learn from your mistakes and move on?

Edited September 28, 2013 by Heart of the Desert