Its complicated..

[road]

Update time...

 

Have had a gut wrenching MC session last weekend. Discussed the A in some detail - apparently it started with the OM asking her "what's your story" and then PA happening over movie watching in hotel room (they were on a official trip to west coast). Still havent got full details.. plan to talk more about it in coming session.

 

On other things - no I havent asked her to change jobs. She still works with the OM and is in contact with him on professional front. She's told me that A stopped on the day I discovered it and all conversations with OM are very brief and business like. For now, I've decided that I'll trust her on this. She's very ashamed and repentant on what has happened and has apologized to me several times about her mistake. What I still dont know is "why did it happen". She keeps on saying that "I was not thinking" but I want to understand why did it happen. I may never be able to understand, but it's just too damn harsh to not even able to understand why one of the most critical events in your personal life happened.

 

She's definitely trying to R, through actions and words. I keep saying that its not enough and both of us need to put in 150% if this has to survive. She thinks that anything more than this - she'll feel forced and she doesnt want to do that.

 

On transparency - she had shared her passwords with me but after I emailed one of her friends (who she used to meet often when on business trips) to get some details, she changed it. We had a big fight that evening and I became very enraged. In my anger, I called her parents and told them of the A. In hindsight, it didnt help anyone and they are now very disturbed and it has not helped us as a couple. I felt at that time that if her privacy is more important than my R, then **** it.

 

To add to all of this, she just finished her GRE and plans to apply to a number of top univ for her PhD. She really wants to study further and given her resolve I want to support her. But with no real planning from her side and this A, I dont know whether our family will come out intact from all this.

 

Its just darn too difficult and complicated. On the other hand, its strangely liberating. The thought that I'm faced with some pretty life changing decisions - which I may not be able to postpone for very long - does give a kick in the nuts and some internal strength. Work situation is as tough as it has ever been. Meeting my COO and the toughest client in next few hours, have had no sleep last night. I feel that if I come out of this phase alive, I'd ve grown balls of steel.:laugh:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your MC is a waste of money this affair is still on going. Their relationship is still on and they are still meeting each other's needs because there is still contact between them at work.

 

 

What are you going to do when your WW has to go on another business trip with the OM?

 

 

If WW claims that she is not going with the OM you will not know if it is the true or a lie.

 

 

You get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley if you want to save your marriage. Your WW has done nothing to save this marriage. She is letting this bad MC process drag out until you get disgusted and divorce her. So she can say you were the one that ended the marriage.

 

 

The WS never gets to drive the recovery process. The will drive the recovery SUV through the guard rails down the mountain side to crash and burn the marriage when you hit the bottom.

 

 

Over a month and the details have not been all exposed? Unbelievable.

To heal all this must be done. This MC is not draining your wound so it will heal but just keeps poking at it. Letting the infection just get worst.

 

 

Over a month to find out about marriage issues pre affair. A total waste. The affair must be killed. Yet this MC does nothing to kill the affair.

 

 

Affairs create addictive brain chemistry. Your WW gets this chemical activity every time she has contact with her OM. This is why affairs are hard to end. Your WW gets a contact high every time she has contact with the OM.

 

 

No contact/N/C with the OM is a must. And you MC accepts your WW still having contact with her MC on a daily basis. Affairs are known to restart when there is no NC. You should check out the marriage builders website and forum. There is a treasure trove of articles. You have so much to learn.

 

 

I have seen too many marriages end where the BH is being week as you. Your WW was banging the OM. She and the OM meet you at a coffee shop. WW does not come back home with you. She went back home to bang her OM again. Your WW does not respect you.

 

 

The OM does not respect you. He went to the coffee shop to help your WW do damage control. You did not confront the OM. You did not insist that your WW come home.

 

 

You allow your WW to still work with the OM. You are weak. One never wins when working from a position of weakness.

 

 

Get the book. Learn how to be strong. Man up time.

[JAG26]

Update time - been away from LS for a long time, mainly tried to take my mind away from the depths I reached in Oct-Nov last year. Things between me and my wife have improved since December. We spoken and decided to work hard at R. She has apologized unconditionally for her behavior and agreed to work with me on long arduous journey of recovery. Been regularly going to MC (sorting out our issues and not focusing too much on the A).

 

Looks like we are off the ledge. Rest God knows. Will try and update once in a while. Thanks all for the support.

 

JAG