The Stages of Separation and Divorce...

[MrE_UK]

Hi,

 

As we all know, everyone experiences things differently...some slower, faster, skipping stages, etc.,. On average after a long-term relationship, you may be facing three years to emotionally recover.

 

However, here is a general state we all go through - both sides of the fence:

 

Stage 1: Blaming the spouse - The most difficult stage

 

Focus: On the spouse. Blames them for all past, present and future issues/problems. Both parties obsess and often relive scenes from earlier years.

 

The dumper will experience relief from a stressful situation, but also guilt. They will blame the dumpee, have fears, anger, and depression; but, they will mask these feelings and act as if nothing's wrong. The dumpee will see the dumper as "stubborn" and "going through a stage".

 

This is the first time we here they are leaving. The dumpee will experience negative self-image, be easily hurt, appears depressed, sad, has low energy levels, and be "very upset." There will be disbelief, denial of the reality, and you will become opposed to the separation/divorce - all your energy will go into this opposition, which won't turn things around. You will feel powerlessness, a sense of a lack of control, and you will react in one of two ways: letting the dumper make all the decisions, or by taking control and trying to make all the decisions yourself.

 

Children tend to be neglected during this period. They too will be confused, hurting, upset, etc.,.

 

What you should do: take up a new hobby, seek relationship counselling, seek mediation, eat healthily, exercise regularly, be a great parent and be there for your kids, take care of your finances, split all joint accounts, seek legal advice, spend time with friends/make new friends, redecorate, new clothes, new haircut, new aftershave/perfume, etc.,.

 

Stage 2: Mourning the loss

 

Focus: Acknowledging the end of the relationship.

 

You will experience profound grieving. You may cry for weeks. The grief will feel overwhelming. You will have a "poor me" attitude. The future will appear hopeless and meaningless.

 

You will experience a loss of identity. Be overly sensitive to comments or criticism. You will be intensely preoccupied with your own feelings. You won't be able to concentrate on tasks - being lost in your own world of feelings. Parenting skills will be diminished.

 

Beware: Do not hold on to your children in an attempt to replace your spouse. Do not reject them either.

 

What you should do: maintain committed to mediation, keep in relationship counselling, seek emotional support from friends and family, let go, read about divorce and separation, re-focus "poor me" attitude, look after yourself and your children, etc.,.

 

Stage 3: Anger - feeling betrayed by spouse and by life

 

Although you've been angry before, this now becomes dominant. The rage is upsetting to others and friends and family may back off. Often directed toward the spouse, but may be aimed at "all men/women". There will be a sense of righteousness - the spouse is wrong and deserves to suffer. You may fantasise that they are the "bad" one, and you are the "wronged" one. Parents may upset the children by reacting angrily to them.

 

But behind this anger are fears: "How will I live alone? Will I have enough money to support myself? Will I find someone else? Will I be able to get a job?"

 

Positive: Parenting skills will start returning. Your children's needs will be better met. Your energy levels will start returning. You will experience higher self-esteem. Anger means movement forward.

 

What you should do: learn to relax, focus on challenging fears and dealing with potential problems before they arise, do not take part in divorce proceedings during this time, stay in mediation, stay in relationship counselling, be a great parent, look after yourself, think positively about your future and your new life, etc.,.

 

Stage 4: Being Single

 

Focus: New experiences; a second adolescence

 

You will be trying out new experiences, not exclusively sexual. You/your ex will be upset that the new experiences are what you/they wanted to share in whilst together. You will be making your own decisions.

 

You will feel like a whole person and begin to trust in yourself. You'll realise you don't need your spouse to feel complete. Your self-image will improve.

 

Now, parenting can be re-established. Adolescents may struggle with their parents being single again.

 

What you should do: make decisions for yourself and your children, enjoy high energy levels, use mediation now to begin divorce negotiations, still look after yourself, perhaps look for a new job with higher salary or train for that promotion you'd love, be a great parent, enjoy socialising and meeting people, etc.,.

 

Stage 5: Re-Entry

 

Focus: Settling down in your new life

 

You will feel in control of your life. You will begin to make long-term plans and commitments. If both parties are in this stage, rarely will there be a courtroom drama. Divorce settlement will be mostly or all completed. You will accept the end of the relationship now. Although, the spouse will still affect your new life and you will still have strong feelings for them. Your life will be positively new and changed.

 

What you should do: Enjoy your new, changed life; be a great parent; take a course; enjoy your new job; enjoy your new friends; take a holiday; be a new, improved you; wait for a new relationship to enter your life; be pro-active in your activities, etc.,.

 

 

 

Chin up, you will get through this in time...Where do you sit within these stages and how are you coping?

 

Hope this helps

[Leegh]

Yes, I agree and you write very well. In addition, I've known several people who were married but have been emotionally out of the relationship for years, perhaps they were like brother and sister. I think in these cases, it is less stressful to end the marriage. Of course, it's much easier if both parties want the divorce, rather than just one person.

[vla1120]

Yes, I agree and you write very well. In addition, I've known several people who were married but have been emotionally out of the relationship for years, perhaps they were like brother and sister. I think in these cases, it is less stressful to end the marriage. Of course, it's much easier if both parties want the divorce, rather than just one person.

 

I loved the original post and can see my journey through some of those stages. I also like your comment about being emotionally out of the relationship. My husband and I spent the past decade or more living barely as friends. Neither of us is that heartbroken about the divorce, though I do find myself in a state of grief the closer I get to the actual move-out date. His behavior since the decision to separate is a constant source of frustration for me and a reminder of his past transgressions that led to the deterioration of our marriage, which has led to a new stage of anger and resentment for me.

[Kimmie80]

Thank you so much for this post! This could not have come at a better time for me!!

[Misadventure]

Thank you for this post... I think I keep going back between stage 2, 3 and trying very much for 4.....but I keep going between these 3 stages, not so much stage 2..but sometimes I see that creep head peeking out. At least I am not at stage 1 anymore... that's something at least.

[melissag]

is it normal to go back and forth between stages at the drop of a hat? Ugh. Yesterday I was in denial, we went out as a family and we had a great time. I was sure this could be resolved. I started out today kind of the same way, but by this evening, I just want to punch him in the face. I am having trouble keeping up with the 180 thing because I hate his guts right now. I also swing wildly between it was all my fault, I am such an idiot, to what an a-hole he is, ruining three lives like this.

 

Two things I recognized right off the bat. One, yes, I am not accepting this yet. I know it's not doing me any good, so it kind of made me feel better that it's a step, which I assume means it's just not something you can skip.

 

Two. Yep, he is all happy and excited to be rid of me. He thinks leaving me will be great. Is it mean to hope that he is lonely as hell and feels like a real a-hole for what he is doing to his kids? Just checking.

[Misadventure]

Melissa,

 

Yes, it's normal.. especially in the earlier stages to keep going through them. Heck, I know in 8 months I will probably wake up in the stage 2 of the grief process which is shock... then 15 minutes will pass and I will be okay.

 

Let yourself FEEL it but after a certain time, pick yourself up and say, "OK, I devoted 30 minutes to crying, yelling, etc over this effing bottom feeding effer..now I am going to..go to the gym.. take my dogs for a walk.. do something for me!"

 

I have a manila folder that I have written on the inside of all the things I hated about him or that irritated me, or things he did to me... so everytime you start to miss him.. miss the life you had with him, you open it and refresh the reasons you need to dislike him and what he has done so you can start to let him go and realize there are better people in the world...and you are one of them too.

 

First five things (and there are 40) of the inside of my folder says:

 

- Two Two p/e/n/is and lasted 15-20 minutes on average... (yes, I said it, you can laugh now... it reminds me of one of those white cows with brown spots..never gonna look at cows the same way again.) Basically, looking forward to a real man in the future.

 

- Wanted to control who I saw, when I saw them, and who my friends were

 

- Had the personality of a box, in 2 hours at a party maybe he would have spoken 20 words total and that's being generous.

 

- He had dating profiles a long time before leaving saying he was already divorced but looking for someone honest and loyal (LOL)

 

- He cut me off of all marital accounts, including my last paycheck that went in and said he would give me a portion of my last paycheck..

[Kimmie80]

Can I ask for advice on how to get over the fact that your ex has a new girl? Mine, back in 2009, had created a profile on some dating site and went out looking for someone. He claimed that I did not love him like I should have, and I was slacking around the house. It was on our 10 year anniversary and we had just found out we were expecting our 3rd child.

 

His affair went on for 6 months. It killed me knowing every time he walked out that door that he was going to be with her. For the entire night. Every single time. Every night. All I could do was sit on the top of the stairs the entire night, waiting for him to come home. Crying, sick to my stomach. Waiting.

 

He ended up coming back. Begged to come back. I took him in. We never did any counseling, which I wish we did. The last 4 years has been rocky, but we stayed and worked through it.

 

Earlier this year, I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I deserve better. He was starting to treat me badly. So, I got what I wanted. He moved on. He got a girlfriend within a few days. I am actually hurt, though. Everyone keeps saying I got what I wanted, so stop feeling sad. 15 years and 4 children. It just hurts that he moved on so quickly. It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough. So now I want him back. Yet, none of our original problems have been resolved. I am wondering if I want him back because he has moved on? You know the saying, "You always want what you can't have". Guess that's me. My stomach cringes knowing whats he doing.

 

Anyone else in a similar situation?

[MrE_UK]

Hi Kimmie80,

 

 

However much you would like the ex to love you, some just don't and they act like they don't like you either. In my case, I get mixed messages - it's a fine line between love and hate, as they say. Looks like we're going to be friends...

 

 

It's perfectly normal to be hanging onto the old relationship, but at some stage you need to let go, am afraid. It's scary, it's tough, but you must for your own well being.

 

 

Here's how:

 

 

1. Stop dwelling on the wrongs and what you wish you did differently

 

 

2. Express your feelings, but don't drown in them - give yourself a ten minute time limit

 

 

3. Forgive yourself for all mistakes you made, you were entitled to make them as you are human. Use them as lessons to improve your own life for you and your kids

 

 

4. Concentrate on what you gained from the past relationship to help you in the future

 

 

5. Longing can have an addictive aspect to it and after the breakup we all tend to romanticise the relationship we had and the person we had it with. It wasn't all sunshine, roses and unicorns, so, remember the good with the bad and weigh it up - more bad than good? In reality, you both made mistakes. Let go of the human, not the hero!

 

 

6. Reconnect with the people and interests that received less attention when you were together. Find the strong, satisfied, passionate and happy single you within - you weren't always with your ex.

 

 

7. Separation is a must - lose your hope for the failed relationship. Only talk about the kids. Your hopes will then broaden and you will open yourself to new, positive experiences.

 

 

8. Loss of a relationship is a mini-death with a grieving process. Once you accept what has happened, you can begin to move on and focus on the future. You have to go through all the feelings as they come, but you can go through them faster by doing the above.

 

 

9. The love has gone but we still hold attachments. Fear makes us hold onto the past. Let go of fearful thoughts like, "I'll be on my own," "I'll always feel lonely," etc.,. You can always control how you respond to events.

 

 

10. Nothing in life lasts for eternity. Everything eventually runs its course. Treat every day like a life - appreciate the people you know and love like it's their last day on Earth. The unknown is an adventure!!

 

 

When you let go, you will find your peace.

Edited October 2, 2013 by MrE_UK

[Kimmie80]

Thank u so much for that post, Mr. E!!! I love it! Im going to read it every day and every time im having a rough moment! I instantly feel better when I read it! Of course, my pain comes back pretty quickly after, but that will subside with time!

[lostinpgh]

Great post.

 

I am all over the map. Some days I think I am making progress and then later that night I am laying in bed unable to sleep.

 

Your posts are very uplifting. Thank you

[Porridge]

Woohoo! I think i'm probably a stage 4!

 

I do still have anger and emotional moments but that tends to be about being separated from my children and missing them so much. Not living with them hurts and will continue to hurt for a long, long time. Being shot of the ex carries no regret or grief whatsoever.

[Loveless21]

Great speech!!!!

 

I can definitely relate although i am putting on a brave face for my kid and half no problem getting her to bed on time etc.. Its once she goes to sleep that i space out, cant concentrate, obsess over husb fb page etc. also the nights he has her is just very hard on me.

[dj572]

I can relate to some of the list. No kids for me so that makes things different. It has been 4 years since my ex left. I still get angry sometimes especially when paying bills she ran up before she left and left for me to pay but that will be done soon.

 

I tried to date but I realized I no longer want a relationship. There are some things that are positive about a relationship but for me I mostly see the negative. I have always been independant and self sufficient but sometimes when I truly need help and there is nobody there to help me it bothers me. That was the case when I tried dating again too. I tried to be helpful and supportive but when I needed help there wasn't anybody there to help me. I'm sure it all boils down to me but I have learned to live with it. I have my hobbies which takes most of my time except when I am at work.

I would say 98% of the time I am very happy with my life. The other 2% of the time I am bitter and resentful but life goes on. Being alone isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

[LuvsTrucks2]

Right now I am living stage 3 - anger. Unfortunately I am fully aware that I will bounce back forth between different stages, but anger is the one at the moment. I would love to get off of this roller coaster ride.

[Misadventure]

Great speech!!!!

 

 

 

Please everyone read this thread.

[dienstag]

Hi. Thanks a lot for this post. It helps to sort out your feelings reading it so black&white. Made me feel "normal" and less lonely knowing everybody in this boat going through it. Thanks again

[melissag]

Hi Kimmie80,

 

 

However much you would like the ex to love you, some just don't and they act like they don't like you either. In my case, I get mixed messages - it's a fine line between love and hate, as they say. Looks like we're going to be friends...

 

 

It's perfectly normal to be hanging onto the old relationship, but at some stage you need to let go, am afraid. It's scary, it's tough, but you must for your own well being.

 

 

When you let go, you will find your peace.

 

How do you know when to let go? What if I don't *want* to let go? Is there some phase of not wanting to let go that you go through, but then realize it's time, or does someone need to kick you in the ass to make you do it even though you don't want to? I feel like if I let go, I have no hope. The only thing keeping me going right now is the utterly ridiculous fantasy that maybe there is a sliver of hope for my M. That's pathetic, isn't it? In IC I have been told that I need to just feel the feelings, it's part of healing - how do you know when you are wallowing and need to stop?

[MrE_UK]

How do you know when to let go? What if I don't *want* to let go? Is there some phase of not wanting to let go that you go through, but then realize it's time, or does someone need to kick you in the ass to make you do it even though you don't want to? I feel like if I let go, I have no hope. The only thing keeping me going right now is the utterly ridiculous fantasy that maybe there is a sliver of hope for my M. That's pathetic, isn't it? In IC I have been told that I need to just feel the feelings, it's part of healing - how do you know when you are wallowing and need to stop?

 

 

 

Hi,

 

 

Not wanting to let go is all part of being in denial. We somehow believe that by holding on to the old relationship, we can get it back. That somehow it isn't over. The question is: "Why would you want it back when it failed?"

 

Even when people reconcile in the future, you must first accept the old relationship is dead and you must let go of it. Why? To grow, to learn, to appreciate, and to discover. Changes must be made in order for one of two things to be possible:

 

1. To reconcile a new relationship with your spouse after time apart

2. To forge a different, healthy relationship with someone new in the future

 

We must look at ourselves and find what we contributed to the end of our marriages before moving on. Only then, can you make positive changes and move forward through the stages...and begin to live life again...and enjoy it.

 

But don't despair, it's all healthy and a part of separation and divorce that we all go through - one way or another. Give yourself time and patience, and don't force yourself through it. Naturally, you will find your way...it's not pathetic - I still miss my ex at times. It's normal.

 

When you're "wallowing" you are in mourning. Next comes anger toward your estranged spouse. You may step forward - back - forward - back - but in time you will begin to recognise the shifts.

 

You'll know when to give it a break after 10 minutes, it's when you're friends and family start to get bored of hearing about it and start to give you a wide birth. It's when you are existing and not living. It's when you need to be active and moving forward in a positive manner.

Edited October 12, 2013 by MrE_UK

[melissag]

OK, apparently I am mostly still in Stage 1 - not because I am blaming H but because I am unable to accept that this is actually happening. I just keep hoping this is all a bad dream. I don't understand how I can possibly be in this position right now. I feel desperate to make it stop. And I see no light at the end of this tunnel . . . will I ever be OK with this? How long does it take to get out of this stage, and is there anything I can do to hurry it along? It's excruciating.

[melissag]

Hi,

 

 

Not wanting to let go is all part of being in denial. We somehow believe that by holding on to the old relationship, we can get it back. That somehow it isn't over. The question is: "Why would you want it back when it failed?"

 

 

Well, I don't want it back. In no way do I want things back the way they were last month or even last year. Now that I have this s/h/i/t heap of perspective, along with a lot of really honest introspective thinking, I know that it was not good for either of us. What I want is for my H to give it another chance, because I can see now where we screwed up and how we could do it better. I know we could. But he doesn't see that, because right now he is just so deep in this idea that things are terrible, that the only way he sees to make it better is D.

[TrappedWanderer]

I was in Stage I until today...when I spent the entire day being confronted with lies, hateful words, and just plain unkindness. I'm not going to say I'm fully past this, but the mediation today, and his lack of human emotion or respect, helped make a huge push towards knowing that things are over, and that's how they need to be, given his attitude and actions.

 

Keep your chin up...I think people move throughout these stages...sometimes they'll progress, then something will happen to shoot them back to somewhere else.

 

Life...what a complicated thing.

[MrE_UK]

 

Life...what a complicated thing.

 

 

 

You're not wrong! I think it's a shame when some people turn splitting up into a sport of who can care the least. I find not caring about others difficult...

[dienstag]

Why is everybody into keeping friendships with your ex and caring bla-bla??

Is it some kind of stage that i want to know nothing about him or am i really such an allien here?

I do not want to have my ex in my life or my head or my thoughts. We still have kids together but i treat any interaction with him as i deal with difficult clients - you hate them but you do business with them in a civilised manner.

Why is everybody so pro-friendship with an ex??? Am i missing here something?

[dienstag]

Correction - i am much friendlier with the clients:-)