Third date...tonight! quick...

[bohica]

Hey everyone

 

I have a third date with this girl tonight. I know the third date is typically a big date and I have some concerns.

 

I met this girl online. We get along great but I don't sense a whole lot of chemistry or I should say enthusiasm on her part. I am physically attracted to her but I am the type that feeds off the energy and enthusiasm of the person I am seeing.

 

As I said, we met online so I am trying to give it a little extra time to see if that chemistry increases with enthusiasm. She doesn't seem to like or want to talk on the phone and text messaging is not only very limited but the response time is very very slow. I want to express my enthusiasm but am afraid it wont be received well. Any advise?

 

Now, The issue with this third date is that it she mentioned wanting to go for a good meal and a glass of wine. I understand it's an important date but I am the type to go for a walk around the city and stop in a local place. Whio's to say what a good meal is. The last time we met I spent a 100 dollars on a sushi dinner. I don't feel like we need to go for a good meal and I can't afford to wine and dine her. I am not cheap. I feel she's dictating what she wants and I am a little worried she is just looking for a good meal. There are so many other things to do and I think a walk in our beautiful village and tacos at a local place could be just romantic. I am really thinking of cancelling because now I feel the pressure. Also, based on everything I said in the last paragraph I am starting to be concerned that she dates a lot and for meals...That could be me being paranoid.

 

Thoughts....???

Edited September 27, 2013 by bohica

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you should suggest your date idea and gauge her reaction. Sounds like you've already spent a ton of money for someone who hasn't put a whole lot of effort into things.

 

Personally on first dates I wouldn't spend a penny unless I really liked the person. Start off with something free and if things click ask to grab a bite to eat after. Did this for both people I met out and the few I met online. If there was no connection I didn't spend anymore than the gas it took to get there. That's how things worked with my fiancee. We met at the park randomly and started talking for hours then I asked her to dinner and she had no other plans so we went to Friendly's. Actually recreated our meeting exactly a year later, took her to the same park and back to the same Friendly's.

 

Someone who likes you for you isn't going to care where you go, and will just enjoy getting to know you better.

[bohica]

First date was one drink. Second date was sushi dinner. I wanted to take her to do something else other then a meal but she said she'll be coming off a tough day suggested a meal.

[TigerCub]

First date was one drink. Second date was sushi dinner. I wanted to take her to do something else other then a meal but she said she'll be coming off a tough day suggested a meal.

 

Yeah it seems like she doesn't want to do anything else with you.

No movie, no lets go bowling, or shoot pool or whatever, she just wants to be wined and dined.

 

I do think that in the first few dates, guys should take the girl out and stuff, but not when she doesn't want to do anything else but eat and drink and definitely NOT when she doesn't want to chat and doesn't respond to texts and stuff in a timely manner.

 

She's showing you that she's not interested, and I don't think you should waste any more time or money on her.

[soccerrprp]

Yeah it seems like she doesn't want to do anything else with you.

No movie, no lets go bowling, or shoot pool or whatever, she just wants to be wined and dined.

 

I do think that in the first few dates, guys should take the girl out and stuff, but not when she doesn't want to do anything else but eat and drink and definitely NOT when she doesn't want to chat and doesn't respond to texts and stuff in a timely manner.

 

She's showing you that she's not interested, and I don't think you should waste any more time or money on her.

 

I agree. You could simply suggest something else to do and see how she responds.

[bohica]

No movie, no lets go bowling, or shoot pool or whatever, she just wants to be wined and dined.

.

 

 

I am happy with a nice walk on a beautiful fall evening. Along that walk we can stop in someplace for a quick bite then if we pass a pool hall or something like that then jumping in. Nothing wrong with playing it by ear and having fun.

 

I am going to suggest something like that then see how she reacts.

Edited September 27, 2013 by bohica

[TigerCub]

I am happy with a nice walk on a beautiful fall evening. Along that walk we can stop in someplace for a quick bite then if we pass a pool hall or something like that then jumping in. Nothing wrong with playing it by ear and having fun.

I am going to suggest something like that then see how she reacts.

 

Ok, Others have suggested that you suggest something simpler to her - so that's a fine idea.

 

But what's your next move if she replies with something like

"hmmmmm, I don't really feel like that today, maybe we can do that another time?"

 

Will you cancel the date or what?

[TigerCub]

"Playing it by ear" is for someone whom you are a bit closer in dating relationships, not first 3 dates. You have to have a plan, if you are a man (and suggesting). You can't just say "let's go out and walk around and see what happens" to a girl whom you just met. It's Friday night my friend. Unless she is really into you [and she isn't] that is not going to be an enticing offer.

 

That's actually a good point.

 

I mean, yeah on my 3rd date with the guy I no longer date

we went for a walk and got ice cream but that was after dinner and before bowling (there was a more specific plan).

 

I would have been happy with the walk & ice cream WITH the bowling, but not just 'lets go for a walk'...

 

that's a really good point 9122013

[candie13]

oh, my, it all depends. Did you carefully plan the other dates? Some women need to feel reassured, need to see that their date is making an effort to choose a restaurant and actually plan the outcome of the evening.

 

I mean, for a first date, a walk in the park and a long talk seem fine. For the second date, drinks and chilled time seem fine. Paying for an expensive dinner does not make up for actually putting the effort into planning a dinner.

 

I am not saying she is not a free-eat dinner person. Maybe she is. But maybe to her, a good dinner and wine is a meal in a restaurant where you know that the food is extra nice, not extra expensive and fancy. Like a hidden delicious pizzeria, something ... special, not pricey.

 

Trust me, at some moment, I had been dating my ex for 6 months and he'd never plan any dates. Like NOTHING. I like to be spontaneous and stuff, but please, put in some effort and show me that I am special.

 

Truth is, if men don't do it before sex, chances are they never will.

 

Had to play the other side, sorry, OP

[TigerCub]

oh, my, it all depends. Did you carefully plan the other dates? Some women need to feel reassured, need to see that their date is making an effort to choose a restaurant and actually plan the outcome of the evening.

 

I mean, for a first date, a walk in the park and a long talk seem fine. For the second date, drinks and chilled time seem fine. Paying for an expensive dinner does not make up for actually putting the effort into planning a dinner.

 

I am not saying she is not a free-eat dinner person. Maybe she is. But maybe to her, a good dinner and wine is a meal in a restaurant where you know that the food is extra nice, not extra expensive and fancy. Like a hidden delicious pizzeria, something ... special, not pricey.

 

Trust me, at some moment, I had been dating my ex for 6 months and he'd never plan any dates. Like NOTHING. I like to be spontaneous and stuff, but please, put in some effort and show me that I am special.

 

Truth is, if men don't do it before sex, chances are they never will.

 

Had to play the other side, sorry, OP

 

I totally get what you're saying. Yes it is nice when guys put in effort for the girl and for making a date special.

 

But in this case, this girl doesn't even like to talk to him on the phone and takes forever to respond through text.

 

She should put in some effort too. It should be a two way street.

[bohica]

I really hate that 'if your a man" thing. Sorry. I do plan and I wasn't suggesting I actually say to her 'lets play it by ear' I try to 'plan' because it's the right thing to do not because I am a man. I also like to be spontaneous and so do some women. It doesn't matter if its the first date second, third. No one has to play by the rules and as someone earlier said. It shouldn't matter, if she like me then she will like me for who I am but lets not digress here, please.

 

I did try to plan. I wanted to take her to a museum for an hr then for a walk to get something to eat. I don't live too close to her, an hour so I told her what I wanted to do and she said she just wanted to have a good meal and a drink.

Lets not try to get too far from the story. I feel like she dictated what she wants, a meal, and I don't feel like I 'need' to wine and dine her being we had a nice dinner last time. I'd like to do something fun and/or casual. I am questioning her intent and now I feel the pressure of having to take her to a nice meal and a drink. Instead of doing it on my own 'plan'. Maybe for me that is being casual and playing it by ear, or planning a elaborate date.

 

btw: I showed up for out last date in a suite jacket, nice shirt, and shoes. I am a t-shirt and jeans type of guy but I am kind of experienced with dating and know how to act and what to do. I can make a third date into a picnic in a park and do it right.

 

if I get the idea someone is a serial dater then it turns me off and I get suspicious.

Edited September 27, 2013 by bohica

[candie13]

test her . Tell her about the picnic idea - there will be good food and wine, right ?

 

I would love it if a guy actually asked me to go to a museum. That is the sort of thing I ask my dates to do - exhibits and/or activities that keep us out there as opposed to inside, dinner + alcohol + lots of hot & sweaty allusions.

 

Totally test her, you don't owe her anything.

[NoMoreJerks]

My first date was a coffee at Starbucks, and I paid for mine and he paid for his lol. Second date was a few drinks at the pub (we each paid for our own) and then we went bowling and played pool, and we split the cost for that. The third date, we went out to dinner, and he ended up paying for both of us, and it made me a bit uncomfortable because I had asked him if he was up for dinner. :S I think I should've paid or at least split. It cost him $80 (but most of it was stuff that he ordered for himself so..)

[NoMoreJerks]

I like a bit of spontaneity but not too much. In my opinion, the whole date should not be completely spontaneous, as in, let's meet up in front of this place, and then decide what to do. In my experience, men who are totally spontaneous and do that a lot, are commitmentphobic or something along those lines, they don't like anything concrete, not just in dating, but also in the relationship getting any further, him being called her boyfriend, etc. Those are the serial daters/players. I like my man to at least plan part of the date. Like, let's go for drinks at this or that place. We go there, and then if we decide we've had enough of that place, he can (or I can) suggest to go some place else. We can decide on the spot where to go. That's how it worked on my second date. And it was fun! But I can't do the whole "let's meet up in front of this statue and then decide on a restaurant." The last guy who did that, I flaked on him and didn't respond/confirm or show up lol....

 

For the first two dates, we didn't go for dinner, so I wanted to go to dinner, because it's just a different/nice thing to do. I also want to see someone's manners at the dining table/in a restaurant. So I asked if he wanted to go to dinner. I asked, though. If he had come back with an alternative suggestion ,and I liked the idea I would've accepted that. Still, I would've wanted to go out to dinner with him at some point in the near future (for above-stated reasons). It's not about being wined and dined for me. In fact, I am uncomfortable with accepting to be wined and dined. I like paying my own way, splitting the bill makes me feel so much more comfortable.

[Arabella]

I think this is hugely dependent on where you live and the person you're dating. A woman in a small town where the average household income is 40k may be content to eat at the local diner for a date. A professional woman in NYC, Boston, etc is going to expect something very different and likely much more expensive.

 

My fiance and I went on $80+ dinners couple times a week LONG before we ever even had sex or became a couple. Sometimes I asked, sometimes he asked, and nobody kept track of who paid for what. We both did (pretty equally), but neither of us was particularly worried about it. If he'd ever complained about having to pay, I would've felt like he was being a b!tch about money and probably been significantly turned off.

 

This would've had nothing to do with money, but with attitude. I have my own money and I have no problems spending it to do fun stuff together. I expect someone with similar financial means and mindset.

 

In other words, date someone with like expectations and you're less likely to feel overextended in your financial situation. If you think this girl is using you for a meal, and that makes you uncomfortable, move on.

 

On the other hand, I think your picnic idea is lovely, especially if you're a good cook. I'd have LOVED it if my SO had planned something like that back then, regardless of cost.

 

-A

[TigerCub]

I absolutely hate the 'you pay for yours I'll pay for mine' going dutch thing on a date. No offense NomoreJerks

 

It just seems so formal and pretty cheap.

I wouldn't do that on a date, and I don't even do that with most friends.

 

I think both people should take turns treating ( not in a keeping track of every penny way), just treat in a way like 'there's no difference'.

 

That way, things will even out and no one is getting ripped off, but the whole 'date' feels like a date and not some outing with an acquaintance.

 

but that's just my very strong opinion

 

** honestly not singling anyone out, I've just read of so many people that do that and I just sooooooooooo don't get it**.

[NoMoreJerks]

I LOVE picnics and I would be delighted to go on a picnic date. Are you kidding me??? It's SO MUCH FUN! Unfortunately, the weather has gotten cold already , where I live, so it would have to wait til next summer (not that we have much of a summer here anyway lol).

[Arabella]

I think both people should take turns treating ( not in a keeping track of every penny way), just treat in a way like 'there's no difference'.

 

That way, things will even out and no one is getting ripped off, but the whole 'date' feels like a date and not some outing with an acquaintance.

 

I absolutely agree with this. Even though it's typical in my country for people to go dutch, it's always bothered me.

 

The trick is keeping it to things where all parties can afford to pay, so nobody feels overextended.

[bohica]

ok..sorry to 9122013

 

I am not being defensive. I am only stating that not all people are as you suggest and not all people feel a need to do things out of 100 yrs of tradition or gender roles. The fact that I mentioned my contact with her and her lack of slowness in response is an indication of my pursuing, no?

 

I also mentioned that I do try to plan and did try to plan this date. I did take her to a nice dinner on our last date. Wore a short and jacket and everything!. lol I only thing I did was fall short of bringing flowers.

 

I also think it's great what 'NoMoreJerks' did because it shows she's independent and isn't concerned with someone spending money on her to impress her. She's only concerned with enjoying herself and the company she's with. It didn't matter if the guy wanted to spend the money. That's all she needed to know.

[NoMoreJerks]

I absolutely hate the 'you pay for yours I'll pay for mine' going dutch thing on a date. No offense NomoreJerks

Well, I do too, but I prefer splitting to the discomfort I feel when the guy does not pick up the tab or acts like he doesn't want to, and quite a few men have done that. The last guy I went out with, he waited for me to decide on what to do about the bill. So I just decided we should split it. IMO, if a guy does not pick up the tab at least the first time around, it's better to split it. I don't want to seem like a golddigger, so by default I just ask to split unless the guy makes a move first. With my ex, I did not like splitting, except the first time, and only because we had sex before we went out on an official date, and I didn't want to feel like I was being paid (with dinner) for the sex so I refused that he pay for my dinner when he offered. In the future, though, when we went out, we took turns in paying for the both of us, and that was great. I don't mind paying for a guy's dinner, as long as it's reciprocated and usually, in my experience, men who don't pick up the first tab, on the first occasion/date, are not the type to reciprocate.Believe it or not, in this day and age, where women make as much if not more money than men, there are just as many male golddiggers looking for a sugar mama. I've met a few.

[clia]

I did try to plan. I wanted to take her to a museum for an hr then for a walk to get something to eat. I don't live too close to her, an hour so I told her what I wanted to do and she said she just wanted to have a good meal and a drink.

 

I take this more that she didn't feel like going to the museum for an hour and then go wandering around to get food. Maybe she had a busy week and just wants dinner, a glass of wine and to relax. I don't necessarily equate a "good" meal with an "expensive" meal either. Surely there are decent sit down restaurants you could take her to that don't cost an arm and a leg. Can you just plan to take her to one of those types of places tonight? Also, she may well offer to pay tonight if it is your third date. Has she paid for anything yet? I think if you like her, you should go out with her tonight and see how it goes. Find a mid range restaurant with good food, take her there, and see what happens.

[Mascara]

If I've had a really tough week, am tired and not feeling up to wandering around.... if my friends ask what I feel like doing, I'll say "you know what, I'm just really looking forward to a nice lazy meal, a few drinks and just chill out". I wasn't aware this was shorthand for "spend all your money on me"

[Arabella]

I take this more that she didn't feel like going to the museum for an hour and then go wandering around to get food. Maybe she had a busy week and just wants dinner, a glass of wine and to relax. I don't necessarily equate a "good" meal with an "expensive" meal either. Surely there are decent sit down restaurants you could take her to that don't cost an arm and a leg. Can you just plan to take her to one of those types of places tonight? Also, she may well offer to pay tonight if it is your third date. Has she paid for anything yet? I think if you like her, you should go out with her tonight and see how it goes. Find a mid range restaurant with good food, take her there, and see what happens.

 

Agreed. Perhaps her idea of a "good" meal is more of a "comfort" meal.

 

I love my sushi and fine cuisine, but when I think of a "good" meal at the end of a rough day, I think of a carb-load full of cheese ... lol.

[bohica]

If I've had a really tough week, am tired and not feeling up to wandering around.... if my friends ask what I feel like doing, I'll say "you know what, I'm just really looking forward to a nice lazy meal, a few drinks and just chill out". I wasn't aware this was shorthand for "spend all your money on me"

 

I wasn't implying it was code for spend money one me. I was simply stating that I am concerned based on all the other factors that she wants a meal and I feel a little pressure to take her someplace nice being it is just our third date, which yes means spending money to me.

Yes, it could mean exactly just what you say.

 

Also sorry again to 9122013... I don't think a women should 'expect' anything. When a women 'expects' a guy to spend money on her and for what your saying higher amounts depending on geographical local there is a problem for me. That's shallow. Not by type of girl by any means.

[NoMoreJerks]

Agreed. Perhaps her idea of a "good" meal is more of a "comfort" meal.

 

I love my sushi and fine cuisine, but when I think of a "good" meal at the end of a rough day, I think of a carb-load full of cheese ... lol.

lol, yup. In fact, part of the reason that I wanted to go on a dinner date on our 3rd date was because I was too tired to do anything else / for anything spontaneous. Usually having drinks doesn't take that long (the last time we did, we had 2 then decided it was enough and we wanted to go somewhere else). I was not up for that possibility, and I thought dinner would be nice and it wouldn't require us to do anything more than that afterwards.