Am I a female sex addict? Will it ruin my marriage?

[cav1987]

Hey everyone.. first post here. I'm in a very confusing and frustrating point in my relationship with my fiance, and I'm hoping for some outside perspective. Maybe some advice?

 

I am a 26 year old female, and my fiance is a 30 year old male. He and I were a good match sexually in the beginning. We were both HD and had an amazing sex life. We were both in to some adventurous, kinky things and were very open. We are both also so in love with each other, and I suppose great sex + amazing love was something I have never experienced before him. I had never been so mentally, emotionally and sexually happy in a relationship as I was with him. He had the confidence and "take charge" type of attitude about sex that turned me on so completely. Never once would I turn him down, even when I was sick with a fever. I was (and still am) THAT attracted to him.

 

So about 9 months into our relationship, we moved in together. The newness wore off. We got more comfortable with each other. And so we went from having sex 2 times a day to about 2 times a week. He was under some stress not related to our relationship, but this caused some arguments and resulted in more stress that DID involve us. So I understood.. things were a little shaky, and maybe a little too comfortable.

 

We pulled through. We always have. We've been through some stuff (never any cheating or abuse) and have always come out on top. Our relationship became stable again, our love grew deeper.. and 8 months later, he proposed. I was and still am so so happy. I can't imaging spending my life with anyone but him. Our relationship is great. We're best friends. We're both in great places outside of the relationship too. But the sex?? Well, it's been up and down ever since our rough patch almost 2 years ago.

 

His attitude towards sex has changed. Sometimes he'll be his old self and come on to me with confidence and dominance (the good kind lol) and the sex will be amazing. But that's rare now, and usually only happens after I mention how badly I miss that. Now I am often the one who has to initiate, and he acts shy about sex even then. Like he's unsure of himself or unsure of me. He seems to prefer more "vanilla" sex these days also. Same postions. Same time. Same place. Ugh. Oh and if I send him x-rated pictures or text messages, I barely get a reaction out of him. Or he'll reply with something awkward like, "oh boy," or "what are you doing?". When we first started dating, he would have flirted back heavily or even initiated some "sexting". Not really anymore I guess.

 

I did have a few too many drinks one night, and decided to snoop and see if maybe he was cheating on me. He isn't, and apparently never has. He doesn't delete anything off his phone or email.. so I had to sift though A LOT, but found nothing. The only stuff I found were some conversations he had about me between him and his good guy friend (nothing too horrible) and some pictures and videos he took of himself and sent to a couple women via email, long before we even met. I looked at the type of porn he likes to watch, hoping I could learn something new. But it was mostly very "vanilla" stuff, just your basic dime a dozen pornography. A couple videos featuring some more taboo type stuff that we regularly engage in anyway. I felt bad for snooping and told him I did it. He wasn't too upset (not like I thought he'd be) and admitted to looking through my phone before too. This is fine.. I have nothing to hide and I feel like my life is his life. If he wants to look, I'm ok with that. So that went well, lol. But it did lead to a discussion about our sex life. He says he often feels like I'm a "sex addict", and the pressure to keep up with me is too much. He says feeling like he has to have sex with me to keep me happy is a huge turn off. I believe him, so I've tried to completely shut up about it, not come on to him so much, and "let things happen". And sometimes we are our old selves and have sex 2 times a day and go all out out.. but then he'll shut down again for weeks at a time and only masturbate to porn (I don't know if he has an issue with this.. claims he doesn't). And he's fickle. He had me order an adult toy the other day. Was really into it.. and I was excited too. Well it arrived and has sat in the box since. It's like he's afraid to even look at it (it's nothing intimidating).

 

I really, really get off on him getting off, so I try to make sex all about him. I never turn him down. I never refuse anything he wants to try. I've been trying my best not to pressure him now. We used to discuss our fantasies and wildest sex dreams, and we acted them out. So I know what he likes. But now he seems bored of those things? I ask him what he wants and occasionally we'll try something new, but then it's like he changes his mind about those things. He never has issues performing.

 

I know I should feel lucky to get what I do get. And sometimes I do feel really guilty for wanting more. But I fear marrying him might trap me into a soon-to-be sexless marriage. I'm starting to doubt our relationship, which is crazy because outside of the bedroom, it's really solid. My fantasies now include new men. I won't cheat.. but I don't know what's wrong with me, or if there's something wrong with him? He used to be so HD. I know he's been with many women. I know he likes the things I like. Is he bored of me?

 

Or am I really a sex addict? I do think about it all the time. I lost my virginity at a very young age. I have never been one to sleep around (less than 10 partners in 10 years), but have always immensely enjoyed sex. And I do like some unusual things. If we don't have sex every day, I do get really frustrated. I usually keep my cool with him and don't turn it into a big thing, but he is very very in touch with me and my moods, so at times I know he can feel my frustrations. He'll ask me, "what's wrong? How can I help?" but if I reply, "let's have sex" or if I come on to him, he has some excuse and says, "we'll do it later". This drives me crazy. Because usually "later" means "in a few days" to him. I watch porn and masturbate a lot. I mean.. a lot. This helps ease the tension, but doesn't quite scratch my itch if you know what I mean. It's really hard for me to control my own body I guess. I'll do something as innocent as rub his shoulders or kiss his neck and I immediately get turned on. He doesn't even have to touch me. I'm starting to feel like a freak.. even though he used to be the same way.

 

Any opinions???

Edited September 27, 2013 by cav1987

[janedoe67]

I do not believe you are a sex addict.

 

I second the idea of a good, nonjudgmental heart to heart.

 

I would also suggest reading Intimacy and Desire or The Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.

[cav1987]

Thank you for the replies! Sorry it's taken me a bit to get back here and post. The "sex addict" label.. well, initially my fiance brought up that idea. He told me this to my face, and considering how HD he is/was(?) and the things he enjoys or once enjoyed (think "complete opposite of vanilla sex"), I was beginning to think maybe he's right. Could be how often I think of sex, talk about sex, watch sex (porn), read about sex, and engage in sexual behaviors (with him or by myself), etc. that made him call me an addict. Yes, I am HD and I am not exactly promiscuous, but I understand I can be a bit excessive and even obsessive about sex. To the point where it often affects my attitude, mood and my entire day. I've also been been with men who I would consider true sex addicts in the past (very promiscuous, issues with monogamy, extreme fetishes, foolish/risky behavior in pursuit of sex/orgasm, etc. etc.) and it seems I can be sexually attracted to that whole way of being. Some of their behaviors and fetishes may have rubbed off of me, though for whatever reason, I'm good at remaining faithful to one partner when I'm in love. I have made mistakes, but in this relationship and some past ones, I've been a very good girl.

 

East_Coaster.. thank you for bringing up the "too much of a good thing" and pizza analogy. Simple as it sounds, that all sort of escaped me. Would you men out there suggest me making myself less available? Turn him down once in a while? I'm scared to do this because it seems like whenever I try to reel in my sexuality around him a bit, he thinks something is wrong because I'm acting different. Kind of hard to explain that situation. I also worry that he'll take it as a sign that I don't want or need sex as often anymore.

 

I've had talks with him about this.. not fights, but actual talks. Nothing changes long term.

 

I'm so torn. I know if I stay with him, I'll probably never be totally happy with our sex life. If I leave him, I'll have missed out on a shot at marriage to my best friend and (sex issues aside) perfect partner.

[bazookajoe]

It seems to be very important to you and will be until you are much older. If its that important I'd say be honest with yourself and him and talk it out.

Edited October 6, 2013 by bazookajoe