My shyness is keeping me back

[Claire]

Does anyone have any tips on how to get over excessive shyness. I just get so nervous when I'm around people. I'm completely socially inept and awkward and out of place. I try so hard to join into conversations or make an effort to introduce myself to people, but I just end up retreating after awhile because I feel so shy. I start to blush and once I start, its all I can concentrate on, and I just get redder and redder and more and more uncomfortable. I hate feeling like a silly little schoolgirl when I'm in my twenties. My shyness is holding me back in life and I'm aware of it every second I back off from something just because I'm too shy.

[Tony T]

The best way to build confidence in social situations is to just sit back, be quiet, pay attention and listen to what people are doing and talking about. Once you get a real good feel for things, then practice doing it yourself...just a little at a time.

 

It's really no big deal. You're just making it so in your mind.

 

The worst thing that can happen if you say or do the wrong thing is that World War III would erupt, there would be an unprecedented global thermonuclear crises, the stock market would go to zero, and then you could brag to all your friends about just how powerful you are.

[Nic]

shyness is a set of learned behaviours that interfere with relating to people or having successful relationships. these behaviors can be replaced by more effective behavior and as a shy person you can learn to relax in social situations.

 

a lot of shy people also carry with them the fear of being rejected by others. being rejected by someone that doesn't know you means nothing. it is merely a reflection of what the other person is feeling at the time or perceives is right for them. maybe you remind them of someone else. it may be something else in their lives at the moment that has nothing to do with you. don't take it personally. i know, much easier said than done. but they are only 1 person of out hundreds you will come in contact with in a day or a night.

 

taking small steps toward improving social contact and practicing new social behavior. the steps need to be small enough to allow you to increase skills and confidence level. learning to manage and eventually eliminate anxiety, tension, and nervousness.

 

you could always practice talking to non-threatening people. kids are great, as are older people. it is a good way to learn change your habits a little at a time.

 

you could initiate conversations by being direct - "hi, how's it going!" or sneaky: "excuse me, could I borrow some change?", "got a cigarette?", "do you have the time?" (if they've got the place, don't be put off!). bump into someone: "oh, I'm sorry!"

 

be a good listener - do a lot of "mmm hmm..." and "i understand." nod often. ask questions that prompt the person to continue or go into more detail, "you must have been so embarrassed!"

 

if someone ever comments on you blushing, say, "it must be the wine". although, this won't work very well if you have a can of coke in your hand!!

 

shy people often have inaccurate concepts of themselves. shy people are often absorbed in themselves, and constantly focused on how they affect others and how others feel about them. so don't ever wonder what the person in front of you is thinking about you. they more than likely think you're quite nice, so don't be afraid to say a little thing here or there.

 

if you feel in time that you are having real trouble overcoming your shyness, look around for a shyness clinic that incorporates treatment ranging from building social and cognitive skills, to assertiveness training, techniques to reduce anxiety etc. you may always be shy, but with professional help, you can learn behavior that will benefit your professional and personal life.

 

gradually, you will take hold of the confidence that is there inside you and will come out of your shell.

 

 

 

Does anyone have any tips on how to get over excessive shyness. I just get so nervous when I'm around people. I'm completely socially inept and awkward and out of place. I try so hard to join into conversations or make an effort to introduce myself to people, but I just end up retreating after awhile because I feel so shy. I start to blush and once I start, its all I can concentrate on, and I just get redder and redder and more and more uncomfortable. I hate feeling like a silly little schoolgirl when I'm in my twenties. My shyness is holding me back in life and I'm aware of it every second I back off from something just because I'm too shy.

[Rachel]

Hi Girlfriend;

 

I think practice makes perfect and if you were in situations where you practiced being outgoing and saw the positive results, then you would slowly come out of the shy routine.

 

Number 1. Have you considered Toastmasters? If you live in the U.S. I think that is supposed to be a truly excellent organization with people with similar problems, you will probably find information on the net.

 

Number 2. Do you have good friends who are aware of your problem? You could confide in them and ask them how they can help you.

 

Put yourself in situations where you feel comfortable and people you feel comfortable about, then practice.

 

Talk about subjects you know something about. You may even plan 2-3 topics to talk about that you know about, such as the weather, a friends wedding, your work, etc. Decide in advance to discuss these things with people. That way, you will know the subjects and the positive outcome will encourage you to try harder next time.

 

It is a problem that CAN be corrected. My gut feeling is that you are actually a very vivacious and warm person inside, and that with some very MINIMAL practice you can learn to be not quite so shy. Also you may be shy in certain situations and no shy in others.

 

I am a truly outgoing person. I also work with people all day long. When they are in my work place, and I meet tons of people I dont' know, I realize I don't have any shyness. But put me in a party, and I feel like I am a totally stiff person, at least the first 30 minutes. The larger the group the shyer I am. In small groups, I am not shy at all. Put me in a store, where I've never been before and a sales clerk asks to help me, and sometimes I here this little girls voice come out of my mouth, saying, I'm just looking. Then I think did I just say that? I sound like I am 8 years old.

 

Let us know some feed back.

 

Good luck

[Jane]

Do you think you have symptoms of social phobia or avoidant personality dis? Have a look at the diagnostic criteria - I am not sure if avoidant PD is still used as diagnosis - but Social Phobia is.

 

If you feel this sounds like you then you are lucky as theres a lot of help out there for you. These disorders have been a focus of research only in the past few years. Previously people were just thought to be excessively shy, introverted etc.

 

Blushing is a classic sign of a social phobia - there is even medication to treat it. You are not alone. Apparently 10 - 15% of the population (probably more) have a social anxiety disorder.

 

I must say that I find introverted shy folk far more interesting than extroverts. Carl Jung (famous psych) was introverted so maybe read some of his works.

 

A hallmark is having a symptom like sweating or blushing - in social situations then the symptoms escalating when the sufferer feels that others are noticing. Escape is often the way out.

 

There is help - go get it. Theres also groups on-line.

 

Good luck

Does anyone have any tips on how to get over excessive shyness. I just get so nervous when I'm around people. I'm completely socially inept and awkward and out of place. I try so hard to join into conversations or make an effort to introduce myself to people, but I just end up retreating after awhile because I feel so shy. I start to blush and once I start, its all I can concentrate on, and I just get redder and redder and more and more uncomfortable. I hate feeling like a silly little schoolgirl when I'm in my twenties. My shyness is holding me back in life and I'm aware of it every second I back off from something just because I'm too shy.

[Claire]

Thankyou everyone who responded. It was very nice to get some genuine replies and I have tested your advice. I tried it out at a party I was invited to. Normally, I would have refused to go, but this time I thought I'd give it a go. I sound like a dick, but I wrote out a list of what everyone had told me to do and then put the answers underneath it, like for example, conversation openers are "So do you know the host?" etc, things to talk about "Its a nice house, isnt it" etc.

 

To my surprise, they actually did work. I still blushed like crazy but I kept thinking of what you guys had said. Especially about being self-absorbed and that no one was really thinking about me blushing except myself. It didnt make it go away entirely, but it did make me concentrate on what I was saying instead and I didnt run for it as soon as I felt the blush coming on (I usually do).

 

I had a good time! I know that it will take some time and practice to get over my shyness, but you all made some very logical comments that I keep thinking of everytime I start to feel that shy feeling. So thankyou for your advice. As for whether I may have a social phobia. I never thought of that, to be perfectly honest. Its an interesting suggestion, I just thought shyness was shyness. I've been searching the web on social phobia and its very interesting, so thanks for introducing me to that term.