Lost him through irresponsible behavior and mistrust. Any insight? (Sorry, very long)

[UnicornGirl]

I lost my ex due to some seriously irresponsible behavior on my part. Early in our relationship (about 6 months in), he violated my trust. I have always been wary of guys and their intentions due to some bad experiences in my past, and this violation just opened up a huge can of worms. I didn’t break up with him because I was afraid to lose him since I loved him so much. Also, my ex sincerely apologized and didn’t expect me to stay with him, but by doing that he effectively showed me how much he loved me and affirmed that I should stay with him, in my mind, despite his mistakes.

 

However, I don’t believe I ever fully got over this. Over the course of our 3.5 year relationship, I treated him badly. It was on again, off again, but in general, I never fully trusted him for more than a few months and was extremely possessive about him doing things without me, epsecially with his new friends when he went to college. I constantly asked him if he liked other women, assumed that he was a bad guy, mistrusted him, and was possessive about him having female friends and always assumed he would leave me for another woman someday. Needless to say, this crushed his feelings. Somehow, throughout all of this, our love prevailed—I truly believe we are soul mates. We are compatible in so many ways and have shared a deep, enduring love and a bond that is truly unique. I can’t really explain, and it seems ludicrous to some people because of our ages (He is 20, I am 19), but trust me when I say that we are twin souls, that we changed each other’s lives, that we grew in so many ways together and that we’re made for one another.

 

He decided to leave on September 6th of this year. The night before, we had a wonderful time—I was just moving into college, he was starting his second year, and all seemed to be going better (we had been having fights a lot lately, and it had been a rough summer for our relationship—I was unhappy at my job, complaining a lot, constantly worrying). The next day, we had a little fight on the phone, and he said, “We’re not friends anymore.” I begged, pleaded, went to see him, etc., but it wasn’t any good. He was back and forth about getting back together for a while, and very confused about his feelings. He doesn’t want me out of his life completely, but he didn’t seem to be serious about getting back together.

 

We’ve shared some positive experiences over the past 10 weeks or so, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. I’ve learned a lot about the differences between women and men and what trust is, and feel fundamentally on my feet—a way I haven’t felt in a long, long time. I’ve been in counseling for 8 weeks and feel like I would like to be with this person again. When I commit to a relationship, I’m in it for the long haul—casual relationships are not my thing, I really look for a partner in life to share with, not some random hot guy. Random hot guys are fine for a night of dancing, but I don’t get involved in physical realtionships casually and I expect a lot from my partner. In essence, it takes a lot for me to be with someone. And this guy, I was really committed to, I really wanted to spend my life with.

 

Well. Tonight I called my ex on the phone. I was upset because he didn’t call me for Thanksgiving. Not that I called him – but we’re in contact by phone about once a week and see each other every few weeks. I’ve developed my life at school very nicely, but I still think about him a lot, and hope for the best for our relationship. Well, tonight we had a casual conversation, and then I called him back a bit later because we had been interrupted. He really opened up when I started talking about our relationship.

 

I told him that I didn’t understand what was going on between us, as friends. I said I felt like I was always imposing on him when I called him, and that he wasn’t really committed to being friends. A few weeks ago, he said that he didn’t expect we’d get back together, but when I said “So, you and I will never be together again,” he said, “No, that’s not what I said.” That had REALLY been bothering me, and it was just too confusing.

 

Basically what I got from him is an explanation of what he meant. And an explanation as to why he keeps seeming to have different explanations as to why we broke up. He says the more he distances himself from this, the more clearly he sees what happened in our relationship.

 

He said that he has no hope that we’ll get back together and that I should not make any choices, romantically, socially, or otherwise, having to do with what he might think, how it might affect our chances of getting back together, etc. – basically don’t have him and our chances of being together in mind as I live my life. He said he has no hope and doesn’t want me to have any hope, either. I said OK. He said he doesn’t feel any pressure or expectations from me right now, though—good, since I have been trying to hold back on the pressure. He says he thinks it is only for my benefit that he tells me this, that it’s only fair for me to hear all of this.

 

Then, some resentment started coming out. He said that he is still really hurt and resentful about some things that happened in our relationship. About the mistrust, mostly. He said there are some “fundamental things about my personality” that he does not believe would change if we got back together, and I assume he meant he thinks they will never change. I asked what they were.

 

He said, “You walked all over me.” He said that it’s not entirely my fault, because he LET me walk all over him. And he said he’s learned to let people walk all over him in his home (his mother is very possessive and domineering). He said, “I shouldn’t have explained how it made me feel when you asked me about other girls, when you assumed I liked them or was staring at the. I shouldn’t have talked about it and tried to get you to understand my feelings. I should have just said, ‘Look. Cut it out or I’m leaving you.’”

 

He also said he can’t get over the fact that even though it was so clear I was hurting him, I never stopped doing this. He said that is just horrible. He said he now sees that I am capable of doing such a horrible thing and doesn’t know that he could ever be with someone that is capable of doing that. He can’t comprehend why I couldn’t stop. He called me a banshee.

 

I really kept my cool throughout the whole thing, because I really love him. And I respect how he feels and his expression of himself.

 

I tried talking with him a bit about my problem with trust, but I eventually said, “Look. I’m going to stop talking about this because I see that anything I say about this is not going to make a difference in what you think right now. I hope that we can talk about this later, at some point, because it’s obviously a problem in our friendship if you resent me.”

 

I said that I respected his decisions and that I understand – why would he want to be with someone that treats him so badly? Why would he think that there was hope with a relationship with someone that has treated him badly?

 

He made it clear that he wants me in his life. He said earlier on that he stands with what he’s said before: He would not like me to disappear completely, but would rather maintain contact. He said he’s not sure whether he has romantic feelings for me when we’re together.

 

The key is this: He says he’s not closed off to the idea of a relationship together, because he doesn’t make sweeping decisions about the future. But he doesn’t see how we could be in a romantic relationship again together. He said I shouldn’t expect that we ever will, and he doesn’t think that we ever will. But he’s not closed off to the idea. That really confuses me, but it’s clearer than it was before. I think he’s very hurt and resentful and feels like he’s standing up for himself for the first time against me. He’s trying to show his independence – and I said, “OK, I respect that, you’ve got a lot of independence and that’s really admirable.”

 

The problem is, I really love this guy. I think that if we get through this we could have a fantastic relationship. But he lives an hour away, and no matter what he says, he’s not really making a big effort to get together with me very often. He said he doesn’t want me trying to get us back together or trying to patch things up – but he’s not closed off to the idea of patching up. He’s just lost hope. And in my opinion, if you don’t have hope, you’re closed off to the idea of being together—but he’s not! Maybe, I’m starting to think, this is a method of self-protection.

 

He says that he prefers not to be in a romantic relationship with anyone at this time. It’s ironic that now I actually have a REASON to worry that he’ll be with someone else. It’s like, I’ve told him so much “Why would you want to be with me?” with the mistrust, which is what it meant to me (it meant to him that I thought he was a bad guy), and now he’s said he doesn’t want to be with me. So why shouldn’t I worry that he’ll be with another girl now? But when I tried to indirectly explain that, he said, “So, your being such a banshee was an excuse for being such a banshee.” That’s not what I meant!

 

I just can’t get out of my head that some wonderful girl will come along and change his life, show him what love really is, take away any opportunity for us to get back together. But that’s jealousy and mistrust all over again. I can’t get over how awful this situation is—he broke up with me because of mistrust, and now I CAN’T trust him. I really want to just ask him, “Are you hoping some wonderful woman will come pull you out of this? Are you hoping to find someone better in all of this as your revenge against me?” But I just can’t. That will reaffirm for him that I’m this evil controlling bitch. It’s really an awful situation to be in, and I just can’t stop dreading this imaginary Wonder Woman!!! I feel like she’ll come along and I’ll never get a chance to prove myself and that he’ll drop me as a friend for her! L I don’t know how to stop dreading this potential situation.

 

I feel so guilty and I feel like he’s not taking any of the blame—when I mentioned that he had done things wrong in our relationship and that I had been really unhappy in the relationship, he said that most of what he had done wrong was a result of my mistreatment of him. He says he sees some of our fights as mini-breakups now … which I agree with.

 

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this, where you’ve really screwed up and are now paying for it? I feel like love is something you have to learn to do, it’s a process, and that a relationship that goes through serious problems can be so valuable if it can be saved. I’m really hoping there’s someone out there going through something similar, or someone in the situation similar to my ex’s that can provide some insight as to what he’s feeling. My ex says he doesn’t really think about the breakup that much and I suspect he doesn’t think about ME that much. But maybe that's not true?

 

I don’t know how to proceed. Should I stop calling him? Should I continue with the nice gestures that were bringing us closer before? I went to a concert of his and brought him a flower, sent him little e-mails, etc. and he responded positively. But if the hope isn't there, then how are positive moments steps along the road to getting back together? I'm so confused. I don't want to end our friendship, I love him so much, there's no one else like him and the purity, growth, and the value of our history together is so important to me. I'm not closing myself off to new relationships, but I know that I'll always love him. What to do?

[smile]

wow that is pretty complicated. but i understand. so much.

 

That fear you have of his being with someone else I know too well. It went away for a while.. when he was WITH someone else (oddly) but now that they have broken up its back.. strange. I think its when they say "I dont want anyone else right now" its like the BS alarm goes off.. ya know?

 

You need to stop trying to please him. I tried everything to please my exbf and I think it just threw him in more of a tailspin. We are talking now. It seems after four months and a failed relationship he is ready to hear what I have to say about his breakdown and personality.

 

If you recall I got called plenty of names and he swore off me tons of times. I think he needs to be away and experience everything to see what you mean to him. He doesnt want you to hope for a few reasons.

 

One is that he doesnt want to hurt you. He isnt sure what the future holds, and while that MAY mean you have a chance it also may mean you don't. This is the time you have to come to terms with that.. truly.

 

An other reason may be because he does care about you and wants you in his life. He wants you to be his friend and be there because you are his friend. He doesnt want to have to worry about you having alterior motives.

 

I know trust is hard... I know. But you have to trust yourself. Just be there when he needs you. Don't push and don't assume he is going to need you and be there waiting. Let him come to you.. it will ebb and flow but if you think it is worth it.. then stick to it that way.

 

Good luck Unicorngirl. You are a sweet girl. You are going through so much to make things right for you...just keep that up. *hugs*

[Weird]

Babe, you need to just chillax on all this.

 

First, if you dont mind asking what exactly did he do early on in the relationship to lose your trust?

 

Second, and I've said it before, you are very mature for your age. I often shake my head when I read some of your thoughts/posts (like this one) and realize you are only 19.

 

Third, I am of the philosophy that people deserve second chances (except maybe cheaters...I am biased against them) to show they can change and with you I honestly think you realize your mistakes and if given a 2nd chance coudl show him you have changed for the better. Sad thing is most people aren't like that and can't grasp the fact people can see their mistakes and just give others a 1 strike and you're out type jig. Sucks but that is how most humans are these days. What I always find funny with the people like that is that they themselves have fugged up and people have forgiven them and given them another chance yet they expect everyone else to be perfect and suck out when they see people make mistakes. Look at parents...if all parents gave up on their kids when they screwed up then every kid would have been kicked out of the house. Point is that people should give others a chance to show that they have realized the mistakes they have made and show they have changed. Hopefully your ex is like me in that regard.

 

Fourth, I bet he has a lot of thoughts about getting back together but right now he is upset with how things happened. In his mind he most likely thinks he got screwed over by you and it is pissing him off but he is keeping that in because he most likely realizes it isn't fair to just chew you out huge now. I think his anger over what happened shows in those comments trying to imply everything was your fault and whatever he did wrong was just a result of what you did. That is anger and hurt talking. The only way for that to go away is time. You have to give him time to let it all pass. Another thing is he seems like he is just cautious to get back with you/be super close to you for fear he'll get screwed over and this is him putting up his shield. I know YOU know this won't happen because you have changed but he has to take the leap of faith to allow you to be in his life like that again and to open his heart to you. Only he can decide to have that happen and the only thing you can do is have faith he will allow you to show to him you have changed for the better. This comes back to my point #3....many people do not allow others that chance so hopefully he is not like that and will give you that chance when he is ready. I would if I was in his situation because that is just the type of person I am.

 

I know how much he means to you and I know how much you want to show him you are sorry for things that happened and that a future relationship would be wonderful....but for right now you have to just step back and let him sort out all this stuff in his mind and let him come to you when he is healed and ready.

 

All I want is for this to all work out for you so you can have it off your mind and be happy.

[Dumbgirl]

Hi UnicornGirl-

 

I just wanted to let you know that I am in the same position as you. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me at the end if June. He told me he loved me but was no longer in love with me and that he felt spent...like he had nothing more in him to give me. He got with someone else about a week or so after the break up and they are still together. After the break up, he was the one who wanted to do NC...he said it would be too hard for us to be friends and that we need to move on from each other. He also said that if things between us are meant to be, then they'll be. In our most recent conversation, he told me that he no longer feels guilty for breaking up with me because he made the right choice....he is happier now. He also said that I need to experience what else is out there and stop holding on so tight to this. He said that nobody knows what the future holds and whatever is meant to be will happen. He told me that he tells his girlfriend about me and how much he loved me.

 

Basically, he has said and done some really hurtful things throughout these past 5 months. The worst part is, I deserve that kind of treatment. I treated him badly while we were together. I never cheated on him, but I took him for granted. I always felt like he loved me so much that no matter what happened, he would never leave me. Our relationship was severely imbalanced because it got to the point where he was the one constantly giving, and I was the one constantly taking. I got so used to taking that I forgot I had to give to him too. There were also alot of bad things going on in my life over the past year that we were together that made me unhappy. I worngly took this unhappiness out on him.

 

Anyhow, breaking up forced me to take a really close look at myself and my actions. I realized so many things about myself and realized that I need to work on alot fo aspects of myself before I can ahve a health relationship. A past relationship where I was chested on after 7 years led me to have major trust issues that I never confronted, and as a result of my upbringing, I am not the most emotional/affectionate person. I feel like I have grown sop much from this experience. I am excited that I have realized and made an effort to change aspects of myself, because I know that I will now be able to have an amazing realtionship - be it with him or someone else.

 

The problem is, I don't want anyone else. I love my ex so much. After 5 months and all the hurtful things that have happened, I still love him and want a second chance with him. I feel horribly guilty for having pushed him away in the first place. I want what is best for him and what will make him happy, but I hope that he will find it in his heart to forgive me and give me a second chance. I don't know how he will ever know that I have made positive changes though. I go to school 2 hours away from where he lives and he doesn't want to be friends. I guess he is right...if things are meant to be, they will happen. It just sucks feeling like you ahve no control over a situation.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I am in the same boat as you. Good luck.

[UnicornGirl]

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I will have to write more later, but for now I want to ask some advice. Do you all think I should cease to contact him for a while? I have been trying to build positive experiences with him, some of you may remember I've sent him things in the mail and e-mail, brought him little gifts. Those strategies were working SO well -- I think I screwed things over by talking to him about my feelings about a month ago, but there's not anything I can do to fix that. But he was hugging me when he left, coming to see me, being resistant when I tried "take-away" type things, even talked about a concert and said his first thought was to bring me -- before that concert is when I opened up to him and we haven't seen each other since then. He's been horrible on the phone. I feel like I screwed up -- big time -- and that I won't get a positive reponse from the loving things I do anymore. I caught him at a time when he was already feeling bad and stressed and he is just madly in love with his negativity right now.

 

He said he'd talk to me soon and to say hello to my family (?!?!?!) at the end of the phone conversation I first mentioned on this post. I asked him when "soon" was and he said he'd try to call me next weekend but he was really busy. My thoughts now are: 1. write him an e-mail or preferably real letter saying I understand his feelings and what it's like to feel so hurt, and that I love him and will wait for him if I must and then try to build up positive experiences after that, 2. send him a little present every now and then to let him know I love him without pressuring him, 3. cease contact with him until he calls me up and says we should get together, and try to re-start the positive experiences then. I don't know what's best in the context of my goal of getting back together. Any thoughts?

[Weird]

I say option #3. It'd be sad to me if you put in this effort to stay close to him and all that jazz and you end up getting even more screwed. Plus, I think he needs some time away from you to sort stuff out.

[UnicornGirl]

Yes, Weird, I think I am going to go with that plan. God, I'm so upset. I spent the wee hours of this morning sobbing into my pillow. I feel so horrible. He's told me to proceed as though we'll never get back together, but he might want to get back together in the future if he feels differently, which he's pretty sure he won't? This is incredibly unfair. And I pathetically keep looking up my ex's name on Google and see that he's been writing all of these political articles for his school and hasn't told me anything about doing so. He's just not including me in his life anymore, doesn't tell me anything, is probably out flirting with the women at his university that he always insisted I shouldn't worry about. I know if I were to confront him about this irony, he would just say, "Well, I find you unattractive now since I know you're capable of hurting someone so badly." That's what he said on the phone last Saturday -- he said that knowing I'm capable of continuously hurting him even though I knew it was hurting him makes me "very unattractive" to him now. So I guess the other women that I was worried about before are now more attractive because I was worried about them? Or maybe that's just what I'm extrapolating from it. Arrrrrrgh, I can't believe this!!!

[Weird]

well, the guy owes you a chance to show him that you realize your mistakes. For the time being you really need to step away and try and "move on" because it sucks seeing you be all beat up over this:(

[an'ka]

I know exactly how you feel, and I was in your shoes at exactly 19 years old. But now i'm in a little different situation which I'm hoping you won't get into.

 

You can read my post "broke up twise, he broke up, he wants me back"

 

but I'll tell you the main things:

I was with a guy for 3 years, he loved me to death and I took his love for granted. He lied to me few times so I stopped trusting him. I treated him pretty bad. I would tell him things like: "I'm thinking of seeing other guys", "Maybe we should take a break", "I don't know if I love you", etc every now and then, but he always said that he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and we should try to work it out. By the end of the 3rd year it got worse, I wasn't sure if I want to stay with him and I was open about it. In December 2003 he broke up with me. I guess it was kind of mutual cause I thought I wanted it too. But the next day and the next 3 month after our breakup I spent in deep depression and constant crying. I realized that I loved him so much and I understood that I've made so many mistakes in treating him the way I did. I tried seeing other guys, but I didn't want anyone but him (kind of what you feel right now)

 

We didn't talk for 3 months. After that we met up, looked at each other and got back together. This time I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I was so loving and caring, everything he wanted me to be from the beginning. I really showd him how much I cared and how greatful I was to have him back. We were happy for about a month, but then he started acting weired, didn't show me any affection and love. It looked like he fell out of love with me. He made exuses in order not to see me and things like that. I thought he's just going through some personal problems, but one day in May he broke up with me. He said that he felt very resentful toward me. He felt that it was very unfair that all the time he loved me I walked over him and the only way I understood what he was telling me for 3 years was after breaking up with me. Exactly what your ex is telling you.

 

He said that he doesn't want to start hating the person he used to love so much so we better off be apart.

 

I was shocked!!! You prbly can imagine.

Anyway, now he wants me back, he said that he's made a huge mistake. (we didn't talk for 4 months)

 

I think in order for your ex to come to the conclusion that he wants to be back with you again you need to stop talking or seeing him at all. I know it will hurt, but it'll get better, I know from my own experience. If he still loves you deep inside he'll understand what he lost and forgive you for your behavior. Let him know that you care about him and that it's hard for you to move on while still talking to him and stop contacting him.

If he loves you he'll let you know when he'll be ready.

 

But if he doesn't, and he finds someone else and be happy with her, then he's really not your soulmate and you'll meet your soulmate some time in the futur when your scars will heal. If he doesn't really love you then wouldn't you be better off without him anyway? Aren't you tired of hurting? From my example I see that giving him all the love didn't help. First he needs to get over his resentment toward you and forgive you for everything on his own. Then and only then you'll be able to continue your relationship. Untill then you should get some patients and napkins and live your life as best as you can. We don't know how long we'll be on this earth, so enjoy every breath, every ray of sun, every flower, every song.

 

"People will love you more if you make them glad they know you than if you complain that they don't love you enough."

[Dumbgirl]

Hi an'ka -

 

Your story sound exactly like mine....except my ex and I have been apart for 5 months now. I treated him poorly for the 2 years that we were together (in many of the same ways that you did). I never cheated on him, but I reallly took him for granted. He broke up with me and wanted NC. So I basically gave it to him (I cracked a few times...but that's it)

 

I have some questions for you though:

During the time that you and your ex were apart, did you maintain contact? Do you know if he was with anyone during the time you were apart (my ex got with someone right away! and is still with her )? You said that you and him met up after 3 months....did you suggest the meeting or did he? Also, did he say things like "I am not in love with you" and "if its meant to be, it'll be" when he broke up with you.

 

Sorry for all the questions...I just wanna compare situations.

 

Thanks!

[an'ka]

I just came to check my email for a second, I got to go, but I'll answer your questions tomorrow

 

For now maybe reading my post will answer some of them... (maybe you already did)

 

About him having a g/f in between: the first time we broke up he was seeing some girl, actually she was a g/f of his friend and she cheated on her b/f with mine (crazy...) When he saw me after NC he was still with her but he broke it off to be with me. I don't know maybe he still saw her, but if I believe his words then he didn't see her.

This time he doesn't have anyone serious, I'm sure there are sexual contacts, but I'm the one who has a b/f now. Sometimes I'm wondering: what if he wants to get back with me just because he didn't find any nice girl yet? The thought makes me sick

 

Anyway, I gotta run

Will finish the rest tomorrow

best of luck

[an'ka]

Originally posted by Dumbgirl

 

I have some questions for you though:

During the time that you and your ex were apart, did you maintain contact? Do you know if he was with anyone during the time you were apart (my ex got with someone right away! and is still with her )? You said that you and him met up after 3 months....did you suggest the meeting or did he? Also, did he say things like "I am not in love with you" and "if its meant to be, it'll be" when he broke up with you.

 

 

Here are the rest of the answers:

That time that we were apart I went away to another country for a month, and I was there during the New Years. I made sure (even though it was really difficult) not to call him before I left. So alltogether he didn't hear anything from me for about 2 months. When I got back, I turned on my cell phone when my plain landed and I got a voice mail from him where he wished me a happy new year. I was so happy!

So I called him back in few days and I had to go to my college that day and he was not too far away, so he offerred me a ride back home. We saw each other. In a while he told me that after that time he couldn't stop thinking about me. He would call me in the morning and ask to go to gym together and things like that, invited me to have lunch with him, so after doing that for few weeks we were in the car and it was one of the days when it was snowing really bad.

We were sitting in the car next to my house, everything was white and no one was outside, no cars, no people, silence,snow falling down and just two of us. It was so romantic.

He kissed me, and I started crying.

(sorry it's so cheesy, just couldn't resist and share this beautiful memory)

After that we had few conversations, but it was obvious that we are getting back together.

 

Back to your questions, no he never said that he wasn't inlove with me anymore. Actually when we were breaking up for the first time our last words to each other were "I love you", we knew that we loved each other we just couldn't be happy together.

We both thought that if it's meant to be it will be, but now I think that if we won't put any effort into it, even if it's meant to be, it's not gonna happen,

 

So I guess our stories differ somewhat, but still... there are the same feelings involved, it's just that we should probably use different approaches in order to fix the situations.