Tonight is the night.

[WrinkledForehead]

I failed at NC once he got home. We've stayed together every night.

 

Anyways. I would like to know if any of you have an idea of what I should expect either way, from any of the three of us involved.

[LilGirlandOW]

You should expect him to keep pursuing.

 

We expect you to pick up the pieces you had so skillfully arranged and put the puzzle together again, you are a complete and independent woman, not a bunch of mistress puzzle pieces there for a taken mans choosing and scrambling, and you know this!

 

Goodluck ((Hugs))

[WrinkledForehead]

What's happening tonight?

 

Oh. I did forget to put that in. He's telling her that he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

 

I'm a bit anxious. I have things to keep me occupied until he calls me after.

[Journee]

I would imagine more of the same. If no one is going to make a real change then a change won't come. Same with any situation in life.

 

What does your intuition tell you?

[WrinkledForehead]

You should expect him to keep pursuing.

 

We expect you to pick up the pieces you had so skillfully arranged and put the puzzle together again, you are a complete and independent woman, not a bunch of mistress puzzle pieces there for a taken mans choosing and scrambling, and you know this!

 

Goodluck ((Hugs))

 

^^ I forgot to put in exactly what was happening. I am a little distracted!

[LilGirlandOW]

Oh K, goodluck, hope you get the outcome you're hoping for !

[velvette]

Oh. I did forget to put that in. He's telling her that he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

 

I'm a bit anxious. I have things to keep me occupied until he calls me after.

 

On the surface, that seems very straightforward, but so far he hasn't behaved that way, so who knows.

 

If I were him I would tell her, give her some time to react and then make my exit. Clean break. He seems more likely to come up with a plan to baby sit her until she gets over it or some such.

 

I think all you can do is focus on what you expect him to do and what you are willing to put up with as far as more drama.

[bentleychic]

I'm afraid for you that he'll get cold feet again, but I hope upon hope that does not happen.

 

Good luck, wrinkled and try to stay strong, no matter what happens. Much love and peace to you!

[Speakingofwhich]

Praying for you, Wrinkled.

[MissBee]

I failed at NC once he got home. We've stayed together every night.

 

Anyways. I would like to know if any of you have an idea of what I should expect either way, from any of the three of us involved.

 

Not sure what you're asking.

[Quiet Storm]

I genuinely hope for the best for you.

 

However, I think you should mentally prepare yourself for disappointment.

 

If he gets cold feet this time, you MUST go no contact. Staying in contact will only show him that you are OK with waiting. No matter what your mouth says- men see actions. You can B+tch & complain all you want, but if you stay in the situation, they assume you are OK with it. Because you don't leave.

 

You need him to show you that you are worth solid actions. You are worth his discomfort. You are worth changing his life.

 

If you continue to accept him, talk to him, sleep with him- he will have no motivation to do what he needs to do.

 

Don't be an enabler. If he disappoints you- let him feel your wrath. Being too soft, just keeps him in the same place. You must motivate him to make changes, because HE or the situation, isn't enough motivation to change.

[whichwayisup]

Oh. I did forget to put that in. He's telling her that he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

 

I'm a bit anxious. I have things to keep me occupied until he calls me after.

 

I hope for your sake he followed through what he told you he's going to do.

 

If he hasn't, what happens next?

[2sunny]

Oh. I did forget to put that in. He's telling her that he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

 

I'm a bit anxious. I have things to keep me occupied until he calls me after.

 

When do you expect him to call, tonight? Or is his plan to spend the whole weekend with her again?

 

Why couldn't he tell her BEFORE today - or before he slept with you again all week long? He COULD have... But he didn't.

 

 

So far, his usual schedule looks much the same as it has been... Sleeping with you during the week - then going to her for the weekend. So, as of now, nothing yet has changed - so if I were you - I wouldn't yet expect change to happen since it's left to him.

 

 

Thus far - he's all talk and no action on what he says.

 

ANY change may need to come from YOUR actions...?

[bentleychic]

I'm anxious to see how it went. I hope you got good news.

[happy stillmore]

Yes, actions speak louder than words. Really, actions are what we can trust. I no longer trust words as I did at one time. He has to walk the talk as they say. Just wanting it, isn't enough.

[2sunny]

Did he call? What has HE changed?

[WrinkledForehead]

He left her this afternoon.

 

He didn't see her last night, as she had made plans of her own.

 

But yes. He told her. From what I understand she was angry at first, and from what he said she had intended on leaving him if his behavior (distant, not communicating as he used to, etc. the typical behavior from a WS) had continued much longer.

 

He sounded relatively okay, and especially compared to how he reacted to telling her he was unhappy several weeks ago. As much as this last month has felt like being in a terrible limbo, I've known the whole time that he was doing this to steel himself and her for today, for when he left her. I will see how it plays out, but appearances and his words indicate he's worked through some grief during these last weeks.

 

So, now. I feel a bit tentative. I'm not really sure what to expect over the next several weeks as their mutual friends find out, as belongings are returned to their owner, as far as her reaction as she processes this, his reactions to her reactions, or if that is even a factor.

 

So I continue on as I always have, taking care of me, loving myself and him, and now we all work on healing, and growing better as people.

[whichwayisup]

Allow him time and space to adjust to the changes and for him to sort stuff out.

It still is an ending to their relationship, and even though he talked to her, he will grieve this loss, so don't take that personally, it's a big part of his life, gone now.

 

Don't be his therapist either! And, this is a good time for you two to get out of the affair dynamic and start fresh on an open and honest ground. Date in a healthy way, don't just rush and allow him to move in with you or anything. take it slow and get to know one another outside of this affair dynamic.

[bentleychic]

I'm glad to hear it went as he said it would. Continue taking care of yourself!!!

[Speakingofwhich]

Wrinkled, Wonderful news! I've had a sense this would be the outcome and believe you probably have some good years and great times ahead with him!

 

My concern for you, and this is something you may be able to do something about if you address it and encourage him to deal with it with his IC, is that he is a serial monogamist. I hesitate to mention it as I don't want to rain on your parade. But, truly, if he is a serial monogamist and faces it and deals with it, maybe he can overcome it. He may not be one, though.

 

And, if he's not, and I'm discouraging you, I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.

 

It's just that your story has reminded me of an R I was in, in which the guy was a serial monogamist. I had no doubts in our R that I was "the one" he had waited for all of his life as all of his actions and words pointed in that direction and he broke up with his fiancee for me. But, he did end up getting involved with another woman before leaving me a few years later. And did the same with the woman after me, etc etc. I believe he always thought he'd finally found "the one" with each new woman he got into an R with.

 

Just something to think about and possibly ward off!

[2sunny]

I'm glad to hear it went as he said it would. Continue taking care of yourself!!!

 

Yes... And I'm glad that he took action on his intent.

[happy stillmore]

It is great to see a man standing up for his and your future. I'm happy for you.

[WrinkledForehead]

Thank you, everyone. He came to see me last night and before he left this morning we talked a bit about where we are, what each of us will be working through. He recognizes that he needs to grieve and not gloss over the hurt he's working through. That bit that whichwayisup offered about not taking it personally, letting him grieve, and dating and getting to know each other outside of the A was very useful.

 

I have two small children who don't know him extremely well and I won't be upheaving them from their stable home any time soon.

 

Speakingofwhich, many months ago we had a conversation about our past relationships, and touched on what serial monogamy is this morning. I'd heard his history before and I don't think its a problem with him. But thanks for the heads up.

 

I'm working through some things of my own. I have a small insecurity that he'll waffle, or change his mind, or that she'll begin throwing herself at him sexually (highly unlikely, from the way he's described her). The insecurities aren't strong, but there are there, and we talked about it this morning. I firmly believe that to build and keep trust, one must offer full disclosure, completely willingly without being asked. I've always told him what's going on with me, about people I interact with, when an ex sends me a text. I have nothing to hide so I don't. He said he will let me know if/when there's any contact with her. I'm sure she'll call, maybe ask questions, cry, I know there will be points when they see each other to exchange belongings.

 

I think what's best for me is as Bentley said, to keep focusing on me and my life (I had an on the spot interview for a second job yesterday! Wish me luck that I get it!) and to continue to comment on my insecure moments so he knows where my head is. He knows I'm working through my own things as he works through his, and this is good. I don't wish to become a self manifesting prophecy regarding my worries.

 

There was no celebration. The weight has been lifted somewhat, and I'm looking forward to the time when there is no more affair hurt, when we can laugh openly and freely, when we can openly say that we are together and happy and are true to ourselves.

 

As a mistress, this has been eye opening. After I left my kids' father I took note of my part of the failings in that R. I've now watched a long term R crumble and took note of the reasons why. I read a lot and discuss with him the things that it will take to keep our R alive and happy and functional. Its important to pay attention to these things, to share needs and wants and desires, to appreciate and nurture and love as a verb.

[bentleychic]

Good luck on that job, Wrinkled!

[Speakingofwhich]

Sounds really great, Wrinkled! You guys seem to have really good communication and to have covered a lot of ground in your conversations! So happy for you and will look forward to any posts you want to share in the future!