Do I have a personality disorder?

[Samara11]

Hi everyone,

I'll try to make this short. Basically, over the years, I've examined my behaviors and I have started to wonder if maybe I have a personality disorder of some type. Here are some reasons why I'm considering this possibility: It's really difficult for me to maintain healthy, close friendships with people, especially women (I'm female myself). I'm not one of those people who's had the same friends since high school, or who has a "BFF" from 15 years ago... I tend to cut people off when they do something wrong, or hurt me in some way. So far, I've cut off about 12-13 friends over the past 7 years. I know it's healthy to "preen" your friends as you grow and mature and your interests change, but in the case of these women, usually, there was a falling out, and they wanted to remain friends, but I cut them off. I have a friend currently who told me that I'm the only person who causes "problems" for her. She said all of her other friends are easy to be with....

 

I also have unpredictable moods.. I'm usually happy and laid-back, but then a small event will occur and I become depressed, angry, etc. For example, if my husband has to work late one night, I become really depressed. And I have bursts of anger, where I damage things. I've thrown my cell phone many times, ripped apart a shirt, etc. My moods are very sensitive to external stimuli.. My mood always reflects my external circumstances. I've never met anyone else who's like me in that respect. I just feel like something is wrong. I'm not like other people I meet, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I've been in therapy over the years, and I've never been diagnosed with anything... I seem to have more tumultuous relationships than other people, and I often feel lonely and dissatisfied.. I've always struggled interpersonally. I tend to be an introvert, and shy, which doesn't help.

 

What do you all think? I want to change.. I want to have a close-knit group of friends that I can maintain relationships with. I feel like I tend to sabotage a lot of my relationships, and I don't know why. I'm married, and even my husband said I do a lot of "black or white" thinking, and label people as either "awesome" or "horrible." There's no in between. He also says I'm judgmental. I guess I'm just feeling really alone, and I want to change, but I don't know what's wrong with me. Help!

Edited September 27, 2013 by Samara11

[darkmoon]

you are a drama-addict, sorry, but you must stop needing to be, or see a shrink, throwing things and shouting and displaying anger, shape up before you try to build a social life, you sound quite self-indulgent, like nobody else wants to blow their top, only some of us just say sentences to convey emotions instead of dramatizing them, stop the tantrums, everybody feels shy, but some of us do not burden others with our hang-ups, instead we try our best to chat, see a shrink or stop the antics, for your own sake

 

if - if - somebody said they would knock you out cold unless you stop, I bet you would succeed to out of fear of the punishment

Edited September 27, 2013 by darkmoon

[Samara11]

darkmoon, I came here to ask for help and advice, because I want to change.. You make a lot of assumptions without knowing the whole story. I don't see myself as self-indulgent.. I'm actually in the helping field for my career, and I'm usually the "giver" in my friendships.. the one who initiates everything, and who keeps on giving until I get frustrated, or the other person does something/says something mean, or stops reciprocating.

 

I don't have "tantrums," as you call it.. I have irrational feelings of anger, and in the moment, I act on them.. I know it's wrong, but when it happens, I am not in control anymore. I wish that others would give input, as well.

[pinkie]

Maybe not a 'personality' disorder per se.... (Keep in mind I'm not a Dr. or Therapist) but possibly a 'Mood' disorder.

 

Especially if you can't control your irrational moments of anger.... Why do you get so angry in the first place? Because something doesn't go your way? Because someone disagrees with you? Is it a control issue? Why so sensitive? What exactly is it that you feel like you have to prove in any circumstance?

 

The reason for my questions are... sometimes if a person is really insecure and/or has low self esteem, they could make things bigger in life than they really are; good or bad... as a form of self protection or self preservation.

 

Preaching to others how wonderful your life is, being so giving to others, etc. is a way to hide from the real. It can be off putting to others and quite dramatic. As well as the 'black and white' thinking, the sensitivity, etc. People don't know how to take you if they feel like they have to kiss your butt and then you snap.

 

It would probably do you some good to soul search and really try to figure out what the problem is. You mention that you're introverted and shy. Maybe you just don't like people. Pretending to is a lot of pressure to put on yourself.

 

You sound really unhappy. Only you can figure this out. Goodluck!

[Samara11]

Okay, yes. You picked up on the fact that I have low self-esteem.. I think the problem with this site is that people only have the limited information you've provided to go on... I've tried therapy over the years, (actually for 3 consecutive years) and it didn't do much good. I also want to add that a lot of my friendships are one-sided. I think people tend to take advantage of me because I'm really nice. I'm not sure I agree with the whole "people kiss your butt and then you turn on them". I don't know where that part came from. And I actually DO like people. I work with them on a daily basis. I get angry when I've had a bad day, or a friend says something mean, rush hour traffic, my husband is snippy when he gets home, etc. Normal things that make people mad. My point was that my reaction is abnormal. I don't know why I've become like this. I want to change.

[KathyM]

If you haven't been helped adequately for this, it's time to try a new counselor. Sometimes, they miss getting the diagnosis right. Oftentimes, personality disorders are missed, and instead, the person is diagnosed with a mood disorder instead. I would suggest finding a new counselor, and being very frank about all of the symptoms/issues that you are experiencing. Counselors can only go by what they are told by the client, unless they get outside third party information to help with the diagnosis, or are able to observe certain behaviors first hand in the therapy sessions. Also, some people have certain tendencies that are typical of a certain personality disorder, but they may not have enough of those tendencies to be diagnosed with the personality disorder. In order to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, symptoms would need to be pervasive, existing since early adulthood, and causing significant impairment in social, occupational, or academic functioning. They would also need to have several symptoms (usually at least five symptoms of the disorder in order to be diagnosed with it). I would suggest getting an opinion by another therapist, other than the one you have used in the past, if your symptoms have not been reduced, or are causing you difficulties.

[whichwayisup]

It's too hard to diagnose someone online. I think (like everybody) you have some issues that are affecting you and talking to a therapist can really help. Dealing with the anger outbursts in a better way, learning to let go, learn how to forgive people, etc.

 

Maybe how are you is stuff from your childhood, what you saw and experienced growing up, or maybe it is some kind of mental disorder.

 

It's good that you're reaching out, asking for help, so do speak to your family Dr and ask for a referal to go talk to a counselor.

[It's Just Me]

Samara, maybe you should have a look at the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. My mother has it, and you kinda sound like her. Emotional reactions to perceived abandonment, and black-and-white thinking.

[whichwayisup]

darkmoon, I came here to ask for help and advice, because I want to change.. You make a lot of assumptions without knowing the whole story. I don't see myself as self-indulgent.. I'm actually in the helping field for my career, and I'm usually the "giver" in my friendships.. the one who initiates everything, and who keeps on giving until I get frustrated, or the other person does something/says something mean, or stops reciprocating.

 

I don't have "tantrums," as you call it.. I have irrational feelings of anger, and in the moment, I act on them.. I know it's wrong, but when it happens, I am not in control anymore. I wish that others would give input, as well.

 

People who give too much (I'm just like you there) tend to wear their heart on their sleeves and get hurt. You probably have been taken advantage of and felt unappreciated for all that you do. The thing is, when you give, expect nothing back. Make it all about the other person, that it just is a nice thing to do and you made a difference in their life. Having strings attached sometimes isn't good.

 

One thing a friend of mine pointed out to me, since I give so much, I never ask for anything and it's made (a few friends) some feel unneeded. Friendship has to go both ways and give / take should balance out eventually. If it doesn't resent can build unless you just accept things as they are.

 

DO talk to a new therapist, someone whom you feel you can trust and feel comfy with.

[Tayla]

Our "internal" perception of ourselves sometimes do not match the reality of our actions/ attitude conveyed to others.

 

There in lays the conflict. I did not get the "sense" based on the OP's responses to others that they are in actuality " Really nice".

 

Actually and realistically ...I think the OP's perception of themself is Blurred/hazy. Regardless, Therepy can aid. Sometimes self diagnosis is not healthy or worthwhile. An objective opinion or professional exam might be worth investigating.

[pie2]

Only a trained professional can diagnose you with a personality disorder. I think you hit the nail on the head that on a forum, we'll not get a complete picture of who you are (not to mention I doubt many trained professionals would really diagnose over the internet anyway!). But if you went to therapy for 3 years, and your therapist never brought up a personality disorder with you, it seems unlikely that you have one...

 

How is your work life, and your relationships with your husband and family? I think darkmoon brings up a good point: you probably don't act this way in every situation (like with a cop, or at a work function), which is a part of having a personality disorder. Has there ever been a time when you can remember biting your tongue, or stopping the emotions from bubbling over?

 

I agree that you seem to display abnormal reactions to events, and as pinkie mentioned, I think you've probably developed these reactions as your own defense mechanism...mostly because they get you what you secretly desire (no intimacy with female friends??).

 

Personally, I think everyone can change, if they really want to. You just have to have the right tools and the right motivation. Try to reward yourself, somehow, for positive ways of dealing with others, and stopping yourself from going down the path to an outburst.

 

Also, knowing God is the only way to find true peace, and understanding.

 

Best of luck.

[devilish innocent]

Just off the top of my head, things I can think of that would cause these problems:

1. Borderline personality disorder, or some other personality disorder

2. Bipolar disorder, depression, or some other mood disorder

3. General anger management issues

4. Too much sugar or caffeine

5. You grew up with a parent who was a bad role model and started emulating their behavior

 

I'm sure there are many other possibilities as well. I don't think this is something you should have lay people on an on-line forum try to diagnose. Your best bet if you really want to know is to discuss it with your therapist. Just because they haven't told you they've given you a diagnosis, doesn't mean they wouldn't be able to offer one if you asked. I've been to a few different therapists, and the only time I've ever gotten an official diagnosis is when I brought it up or asked for one. Otherwise, they usually won't offer you a label even if they think something fits.

 

To be honest with you, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. There are so many different things that can cause these issues, though, that I wouldn't feel right saying that what causes me to be this way is the same thing that causes it in another person. I don't even think it's just one issue for me. There are probably more people who are like this for whatever reason then you realize. It's just not something any of us like to advertise about ourselves, so you may not be aware of it in others.

[SpiralOut]

I don't think it's fair to expect someone to act a certain way just because you were nice to them or gave them something. Sometimes people are in a position where they have no energy to give back, due to their personal issues or being too busy for new friends or whatever is going on in their life.

 

That doesn't mean that one-sided friendships are okay. They aren't, so I understand your frustration. It's too hard to give a diagnosis through a message board. I think it's a good idea to find a different counsellor to talk to. Someone with a different approach might catch something that your current therapist missed.

[Samara11]

Thanks everyone, for your responses. I guess I should clarify: I'm not looking for anyone to diagnose me on the internet.. I was just looking for ideas, thoughts, and for anyone who either has a personality disorder themselves, or knows someone with one, who could perhaps give me some insight.

 

As I wrote earlier, I realized that it's difficult to give accurate advice on this site, because it's relatively limited- I only provided certain information, and no one knows me in real life. With that said, I will mention that I was raised with a mother who was verbally and at times, physically abusive. She had a really nasty temper, and she'd throw things, and one time, she started screaming when my dad was driving, and she grabbed his arm and the car nearly went off the road. I remember always feeling scared as a kid, and like I was walking on eggshells.. I'm not blaming my past, but I'm sure my childhood has something to do with it. I was also an only child, and I spent a lot of time alone. My mom was highly critical of me, and always told me that I wasn't good enough, that I was too shy, didn't have enough friends, etc.. I started to doubt myself a lot. I've never gotten over that, I don't think. I certainly do have low self-esteem... Perhaps I go out of my way for friends because I want to somehow "win" their approval.

 

And yes, I do have high expectations for friendship. Maybe TOO high. I tend to cut people off when they don't meet my expectations. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop doing it. Here's one example: a close friend of mine I knew for 6 years didn't RSVP to our wedding (she just ignored the invite) and then she didn't even send a card or say congratulations.. It seems like a small offense as I write it now, but I was really hurt, and when I confronted her about it, she seemed to be indifferent. So.. I cut her off. There have been many instances like this, where people disapppoint me, or say something hurtful, and I just decide I don't want anything to do with them. It's hard for me to forgive, maybe... Sorry for the long ramble. I thought that maybe providing a bit more information would be helpful.

 

Tayla- in response to what you said, I actually am a really n ice person.. whether or not it comes across on here, I'm unsure. But I do care very much about people, and my husband and friends (I'm still close to) say the same. To address a few other comments: at work, I tend to be quiet/shy. I don't really develop relationships with my co-workers much. My husband and I fight, but it's nothing out of the ordinary.. I tend to get along better with him than my friends. My problems seem to be mainly with friendships.

[mea_M]

I could not tell you if you do or do not because I really don't know you. But, you clearly feel something is off so in my opinion, it may be very helpful to find a trained professional and have an evaluation. They would be able to help figure out if you have a disorder that needs treatment. Therapy can be very insightful. You will figure it out. Good luck to you.

 

Mea:)

[gaius]

I would be surprised if you had any kind of disorder. But if you're willing to pay enough money they'll be happy to diagnose you with something.

[pie2]

To address a few other comments: at work, I tend to be quiet/shy. I don't really develop relationships with my co-workers much. My husband and I fight, but it's nothing out of the ordinary.. I tend to get along better with him than my friends. My problems seem to be mainly with friendships.

 

My understanding of a personality disorder is that it's pervasive in every aspect of life. If you had a disorder, I think you'd react in similar ways with your boss, co-workers, husband, people in the community, for example. As always, don't rely on my opinion though...go to a pro!

 

I will mention that I was raised with a mother who was verbally and at times, physically abusive.

 

I'd say your relationship with your mom is the key to your relationship with women today.

 

But this can be overcome, imo.

 

Here's one example: a close friend of mine I knew for 6 years didn't RSVP to our wedding (she just ignored the invite) and then she didn't even send a card or say congratulations.. It seems like a small offense as I write it now, but I was really hurt, and when I confronted her about it, she seemed to be indifferent. So.. I cut her off.

 

I would be really disappointed with this too. Especially if you brought it up, and she didn't care about your feelings.

 

There have been many instances like this, where people disapppoint me, or say something hurtful, and I just decide I don't want anything to do with them. It's hard for me to forgive, maybe...

 

I wonder if you could work a little on taking time to work through the emotional reaction you have when disappointed by someone. My suggestion: journal about the next time someone disappoints you. What happened? How did you react? If you feel like you reacted poorly, what are some more healthy ways to react?

 

Let us know how things go, because your wedding example didn't seem like a very extreme reaction to me. You may actually react in a rational way more often than you think.

[pinkie]

The history with your mother really does help explain it some. Perhaps you have trust issues with women in the first place. So when one of your 'female' friends disappoints you, you simply cut them off to not have to deal with the pain of forgiving them. Maybe your outbursts are really meant to be directed at your mother for all the hurtful things she did and said to you. Perhaps it's 'misplaced anger'.

 

A lot of what you say though sounds pretty normal to me. The wedding rsvp situation. I can understand. I think you handled that like any one of us might.

 

I do however agree with you that you may expect TOO much from others. But changing your reactions will take work. Blowing a fuse, having outbursts, it makes other people 'walk on eggshells' like your mother did to you. Not fun.

 

Try counting to ten while taking deep breaths. It really does help.

[KathyM]

Coming from an abusive childhood can contribute to Borderline Personality Disorder, but there also has to be a genetic predisposition to the disorder. You would need at least five of the following criteria to be diagnosed with BPD:

 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

 

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

 

3. Unstable self-image or sense of self.

 

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging.

 

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

 

6. Mood instability.

 

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

 

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

 

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

 

You would need at least five of these symptoms, they would have had to be present since early adulthood, and present in a variety of contexts (not just with certain people). Some people have borderline tendencies, but not enough symptoms to be diagnosed with BPD. I counsel a woman who has BPD. She was also a victim of abuse as a child. One of my other clients had borderline tendencies, but not enough to be diagnosed with the disorder. If you have symptoms that are causing serious issues for you, please seek counseling and a proper diagnosis.

[Samara11]

Thanks for your advice and input, everyone... I do very much appreciate it.

 

So.. I'm thinking I probably don't have a personality disorder like BPD, but.. I do have tendencies, as someone mentioned. I'm glad I included the information about my relationship with my mom.. It never occurred to me, but I think that definitely plays a role in how I view my friendships with women, and how I react to women in general. I have a very hard time trusting my friends, too.. I'm very slow to open up, and I never really trust anyone 100%. I know that I'm needy as a friend, too, because of my low self-esteem. I'm always looking for compliments and validation from my friends.. I know I'm doing it, but I can't stop. I also feel like I need constant communication (texting, emailing, etc.) otherwise, I don't feel important to my friends. My coping mechanism is to drop people when they don't act at a level that meets my expectations. I'm trying to change this about myself. It's hard for me to trust, and very hard for me to forgive..

 

I'm going to try to book another appointment with a therapist, which will hopefully help.

Edited October 2, 2013 by Samara11

[salparadise]

I will mention that I was raised with a mother who was verbally and at times, physically abusive. She had a really nasty temper, and she'd throw things, and one time, she started screaming when my dad was driving, and she grabbed his arm and the car nearly went off the road. I remember always feeling scared as a kid, and like I was walking on eggshells.. I'm not blaming my past, but I'm sure my childhood has something to do with it. I was also an only child, and I spent a lot of time alone. My mom was highly critical of me, and always told me that I wasn't good enough [...] Perhaps I go out of my way for friends because I want to somehow "win" their approval.

 

Your Mom has [at least some] characteristics of a classic borderline, so that may account for genetic predisposition combined with the disrupted or unsatisfactory mother-child bonding that is typical borderline etiology.

 

The black and white thinking and angry outbursts, often referred to as splitting, are typical borderline behaviors. Anger is a cover or defense mechanism to mask fear. For a borderline, the fear would be related to feeling inadequate, broken, empty, not whole. Cutting off friends when they disappoint may be a combination of the anger/fear plus black and white ideation of close interpersonal relationships. Borderlines have an inability to conceive of people as possessing both good and bad characteristics at once, and tend to vacillate between thinking of them as either all good or all bad depending on whether that person seems to be validating or invalidating the positive self-concept that a borderline is trying so hard to maintain. Instability of the concept of self, and the constant struggle to maintain it, is the borderline's central issue.

 

You would need at least five of these symptoms, they would have had to be present since early adulthood, and present in a variety of contexts (not just with certain people). Some people have borderline tendencies, but not enough symptoms to be diagnosed with BPD. I counsel a woman who has BPD. She was also a victim of abuse as a child. One of my other clients had borderline tendencies, but not enough to be diagnosed with the disorder. If you have symptoms that are causing serious issues for you, please seek counseling and a proper diagnosis.

 

The diagnostic criteria exist on a continuum. And the DSM exists for the express purpose of setting standards for consistent communication within the profession. So whether a person literally meets enough criteria for diagnosis is somewhat irrelevant with respect to approach and treatment. There are many high-functioning borderlines who are not given the diagnosis because their lives are not apparently impacted to the degree used for diagnosis, however, their lives are definitely impacted and they have the same central issue. The DSM also focuses exclusively on observable behaviors, so two people could have core issues of equal severity, but if one is more disinhibited than the other they may qualify for the diagnosis and the other not. And of course each checkmark is a subjective judgement by counselor based what they have actually observed and their perception of what justifies a checkmark.

 

My suggestion would be to ask your counselor/therapist what he/she thinks about these possibilities and if they are qualified to administer Millon's Clinical Multi-axial Inventory (MCMI-III). If they are not, you may want to find someone who is qualified and do the test. That will almost certainly determine what issues you're dealing with as well as nuance and severity. If it turns out that you do have borderline tendencies, diagnosable or not, dialectal behavioral therapy is currently thought to be one of the most effective therapies, and you may want to seek out someone who specializes in this.

 

All therapists are not created equal, and there are some who will continue empathetic talk therapy (makes you feel better in the moment) indefinitely even if you're not really making progress. I think you sound like you're high-functioning, and the fact that you're asking questions and staying with therapy means you're probably quite treatable, if any of this even relates to your situation which I would not assume until you've been tested.

 

Hope you get some answers–

[FitChick]

Easy fix. Too bad I am not allowed to tell you until you get 50 posts on the forum. Then you can PM me!