Somebody that I used to Know....

[Suzanne L]

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum and hoping for some support regarding my separation.

 

Here's my current "situation". Married for 8 years and have young children. Early on this year I got the big "bomb drop: that H no longer loved me and hasn't for quite some time (for over 4 years??). He no longer feels that connection and feels empty. He has been trying to get that connection back on his own, without my knowing there was even a problem. He told me the usual WAS script.. that he couldn't imagine our future together, he is no longer in love, and doesn't feel that we can get it back, and that he has been "playing along" for years.

 

We did couples counselling in Mar/Apr/May. We fixed some of our issues, such as our communication. Our counselling ended with him saying that he was unhappy and didn't want to drag it out any longer as he wasn't sure if the changes would stick. He told me he wanted to separate.

 

Then the next day he told me he wasn't sure anymore, of whether he wanted to stay or leave, and that is when the dreaded LIMBO began. We lived together in limbo from May to September where we were both unsure of whether he was staying or leaving. In the meantime, I was "divorce busting", getting a life, starting new activities, focusing on myself and the children and staying busy. I was also working on dealing with H in a more positive way and doing some self-reflection and also reading some marriage books.

 

All the while, H mostly distanced himself from me and seemed to be depressed. I gave him lots of space and time to himself and he worked away at little projects around the house, mostly while I watched the children, and was starting to feel so angry and resentful toward him.

 

Well, a few weeks ago he told me he wanted to separate and moved out to a temporary place. I felt some relief that I was no longer in limbo with him and could move forward with my life. I contacted a lawyer and began the paperwork. H found out, and got pretty upset as he doesn't want to deal with lawyers.

Then a few days ago he told me that he had been starting to "reconsider" things with us, that is, until all the lawyer stuff started going on. So I immediately felt a mix of emotions, happiness as I had wanted to hear those words, but also angry because I had finally let him go, and started to move on, and finally have a clear answer from him.

 

Now I am confused whether to work on things with him or not....

[Suzanne L]

Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

Just a little more info. A few days ago when he told me he was re-considering he told me that he had done a lot of thinking about everything since he has moved out. That he has done a lot of self-reflection and realized what he has put me through, and that he has been going through a crisis. He said that he has talked to a few people about our problems and has a clearer understanding that these issues are quite common. When I went to leave he asked me if there was any timeline for our separation agreement as he had been re-considering. He then gave me a long hug and kissed the top of my head. I almost had a heart-attack as he has not reached out to me affectionately in MONTHS.

 

I have to say, being in limbo was hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, it's the fear of the unknown. It feels as though I am headed for limbo again. I am wondering if he has put me through so much pain already that I should just let him go, and move on and start up again with the lawyer.

 

Option B is to have a talk with him and tell him that going through limbo was the hardest thing I have had to go through, and that I am not going to go through that again. That if he is re-considering and wants to work on things that I would need some kind of concrete actions on his part that he is willing to work on the marriage again.

 

Any opinions? thanks.

[imtooconfused]

First, let me say, I don't understand the title of your post. Perhaps that's why you aren't getting many responses.

 

Secondly, there is an approach advocated quite frequently on this site called the "180 program." It's something that is helpful to people who's spouses have cheated on them. That's not exactly the case here, but since your H is somewhat of a wayward soul trying to find himself, it might be appropriate for you. The program basically empowers you to become stronger and more independent in the eventual hope that the spouse will see what they are losing and change their mind. It's a lot more involved than calling a lawyer but it should more effective than what you have already been through. Since I don't know a whole lot about what's involved, I don't know exactly which direction to point you other than this post which might lead you in a better direction:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/318377-point-180-a

[RightThere]

Sometime limbo for guys is just the same as the marriage was (no real change or consequence).

 

My guess is moving out was a big sledge hammer to the head that woke him up.

 

If you are willing to reconcile, make sure you are both clear on expectations. Talk about what is going on with each of you. Worst thing you can do is see a change over a short period of time and then you both fall into bad habits.

 

And make sure to look at yourself too (not just your husband). You may think you are putting into the marriage what you think he needs, but he may have a totally different expectation.

 

Good luck.

[Suzanne L]

Hmm.. I wonder if there is any way to change the thread title? It is about the Gotye song about breaking up

 

Thanks RightThere and imtooconfused. I have read about the 180's in the Divorce Remedy book by MWD. I have done some divorce busting and implemented some 180s already.

 

Some of the 180's I have done are:

 

-used to act stressed around the household with the children's activites; now I am a lot calmer and ask for help with the children less often

-try to be more independent, trying to call on H for help less often, and running more errands instead of asking H to do them

-less nagging, using nicer tone of voice

 

(these were some of H's complaints about me so I am trying to do a 180 on them).

 

I have also seen the list under the Critical Readings section where it states to stop the begging/pleading/pursuing/ etc. and I have stopped doing those things.

 

RightThere, I think that you are right that H moving out was a wake-up call for him. Ever since he has moved out things have not been going to according to his plans and he is not liking how things are playing out. For example, he had expected to live in our house, together, with him sleeping on the couch, continuing to have 'family meals' together, etc. I told him immediately that was not going to happen as I wasn't comfortable with that. So he moved to his brother's house temporarily.

 

I think it is all a shock for him and he gets to finally feel how it would be if we were separated. And me going to the lawyer really angered him as he would like us to handle everything on his own. Things are not going his way and he is not liking it. Before, in our marriage when it came to most things, including finances, he was the one in charge and I usually went along with his ideas. Since our separation I have been the one calling the shots and he is not liking it!

Edited September 27, 2013 by Suzanne L

[Suzanne L]

I am just too confused right now. I was ready to move on, and had felt sadness about separating, but relief. Relief that I finally had an answer, knowing that I was going to move on with my life, that there was no chance for reconciliation.

 

Now he is basically telling me that there is a chance (although he is still not certain about wanting to work on things). I still care for him deeply, but since everything we've been through in the past 7 months, I have started to feel a lot of resentment toward him. I am not even sure if I want things to work out between us. It would almost be easier just to move on.

 

There is also the fact that we have 3 young children. (twin 6 year olds and a 5 year old). It would be great if we could keep the family together. If we could work everything out it would benefit the children so much. I really do not want to disrupt their lives.

 

I am just worried that H is not serious about reconciliation, as he is still confused. I also feel that he needs individual counseling in order to work out all of his issues. I worry also that he will not find that 'connection' he is looking for and will never be happy with me.

 

Ahhh.....

[Moniq]

The story of my life. To the T. 7 years married, one day he said he did not love me. its been almost 4 months now and we already filed for divorce. Except the only difference with me is that he does not want me back and never will.

 

two small kids. Yay me....not

[Mr. Lucky]

I am just worried that H is not serious about reconciliation, as he is still confused. I also feel that he needs individual counseling in order to work out all of his issues. I worry also that he will not find that 'connection' he is looking for and will never be happy with me.

 

Ahhh.....

What are his specific criticisms of you? Not of the marriage but of you personally - and do you think they're valid?

 

Also, are you sure there's not a 3rd party involved ? Some of his actions in the disconnect, separation and vacillation speak to at least an emotional involvement.

 

Tough situation to be in...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Suzanne L]

Mr. Lucky, back in February when I received the big bomb drop (that he no longer loved me) he mentioned some criticisms of me, stated in my earlier post. I have tried my best to 180 them. I have done a lot of self improvement and done a lot on my part with regards to trying to save my marriage. He still has the complaint, though, that he feels I don't trust him.

 

There is no evidence of another woman. So I am just treating the situation as if there is no one else. I do not want to spend all of my time wondering about if there is someone else.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Suzanne L

[MrE_UK]

Hi Suzanne L,

 

Have a read of this post I put up yesterday re: the stages of separation and divorce. You will find that Stage 1 applies in your case...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/427748-stages-separation-divorce

 

Doing the 180 is not about getting someone back, but rather working on yourself. The idea is the other person sees a change in you and becomes interested again. I did this and it helped no end...

 

I went to relationship counselling, read books, dealt with anxiety issues, and started swimming and writing more. I wasn't pleading and begging, I let her go, and let her take the initiative.

 

However, my ex and I are not back together after over 3 months; but, we talk better, concentrate on our daughter, have started to show some caring toward the other, share our goals and future plans, still have daily contact (she initiates), and are moving forward. We may never get back together; nonetheless, it hasn't hurt us having a relationship of some sort.

[Suzanne L]

MRE UK, thanks for stopping by! I have read your article about the stages. I agree that some of it applies to me.

 

Right now, here are all of the emotions/thoughts I am having. First, when he told me I felt a HUGE sense of RELIEF. After being in limbo for so long, and not knowing where our relationship stood, I immediately felt relieved and ready for the most part to move on. Right away, I started preparing for how the separation would work with finances, and how it would affect the children. I didn't feel too sad about losing the relationship and was in a way, a bit excited to move on with my life.

 

I have been through a lot of emotional turmoil over the past half of the year. In a way, I do blame him, although I recognize that he has been confused as much as I have been through all of this. Day in and day out for months I watched him distance himself from me to think about things, and he told me all the time that he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay or leave. I would try to keep things light around the house, and carefree, but his moods were all over the place. For a while he would answer me with one word answers/grumbles. The limbo was having an effect on him as well. Starting 2 years ago, I have watched my H go through all sorts of things. He lost 60 pounds in about 6 months, started working out heavily, got braces, dressed differently, etc. His personality even changed.

 

I do blame him for some things.. for not telling me his true feelings about me for 6 years, for telling me on Valentine's day that he no longer loved me, for ignoring me around the house for months, etc.

I feel that, after going through all of these terrible things over the past half of a year, it made it A LOT easier for me to move on with my life. I was feeling quite well and content about everything. I have been keeping busy with hobbies such as running, painting, gardening, walking, and doing things with the kids.

 

Then he told me that he was reconsidering things. That is the part that is frustrating to me. I am worried he will try to get that 'connection' back with me, only to tell me in another year or 2 that he wants to separate. I am desperately trying to protect myself from getting hurt by him again. I have felt so much hurt already. Thing is, I still care for him, and would like our family to stay together.

[Suzanne L]

Doing the 180 is not about getting someone back, but rather working on yourself. The idea is the other person sees a change in you and becomes interested again. I did this and it helped no end...

I agree. I was doing the 180s partly for him, but also , because no matter what happened I wanted to make those changes for myself. I have made some great positive changes that I never would have known were possible. I know that wherever life leads me, I made those changes and they will stay with me! I too read some good marriage books, (5 LL's, Hold Me Tight, Divorce Remedy, etc). The book I found most helpful was Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis, I highly recommend it to anyone who is dealing with separation.

 

I went to relationship counselling, read books, dealt with anxiety issues, and started swimming and writing more. I wasn't pleading and begging, I let her go, and let her take the initiative.

 

I have started some individual counselling, and it helps me a great deal. I strongly agree that the begging and pleading does NOT work!! It actually pushes them right out the door!!

 

 

Thanks for all of your help!

-Suzanne

[vla1120]

Hi Suzanne. It looks to me like you've done everything on your end to try to keep your marriage together. It also sounds like you hit the nail on the head when you said he might be having second thoughts because he is used to being in charge and doesn't like how things are not going his way. If I were you, I'd keep employing those 180 tactics. It is helping you become stronger and more independent. If you do decide to keep trying with him, lay down those ground rules with him so you do not find yourself in indefinite limbo again. I'd always prefer to see a family stay together. Encourage him to get individual counseling. Good luck!

[harrybrown]

If you let him come back, have some written rules. It takes two trying with all they have to make marriage work. Keep the attorney, you may need to use their services.

[Suzanne L]

If you do decide to keep trying with him, lay down those ground rules with him so you do not find yourself in indefinite limbo again. I'd always prefer to see a family stay together. Encourage him to get individual counseling. Good luck!

 

Thanks vla.. I completely agree! I will have to do some serious thinking to establish some ground rules. I think there would have to be some serious effort on both of our parts, and a clear, commitment to the marriage, no more limbo Also, I think it would be better to start things slowly. Then, would we live together or separately while working on things?

 

Harrybrown, thanks, and for now I am keeping the lawyer.

 

Thanks for all your support!

Suzanne

[Suzanne L]

The story of my life. To the T. 7 years married, one day he said he did not love me. its been almost 4 months now and we already filed for divorce. Except the only difference with me is that he does not want me back and never will.

 

two small kids. Yay me....not

 

Sorry to hear Moniq. Our stories do sound similar. It is so hard to go through all of this, especially with children involved. My H just left for the weekend with the kids, they are staying at his brother's for the weekend. I am going to try to stay busy to keep my mind off of everything.

[Mr. Lucky]

My H just left for the weekend with the kids, they are staying at his brother's for the weekend. I am going to try to stay busy to keep my mind off of everything.

At this point, what would you like to see happen?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Suzanne L]

Mr. Lucky, when it comes down to it, what I would really like to happen is to reconcile with him. As much as I've been through, I still want things to work out with my marriage. I feel hurt and wounded pretty bad, and I would have to work through those feelings. And, of course, my H and I would both have to put in a lot of effort in order to save our marriage.

[Suzanne L]

Journalling,

 

H dropped the kids back at my house today. I told him that I would like to sit down and have a talk with him sooner, rather than later. He agreed. We then talked for a few minutes about things, and he seemed happy, whereas before he used to just run out of the door to leave. I'm praying and hoping that his change of heart is sincere. If he is not ready to re-commit to the marriage then it is time for me to move on. Wish me luck!

[2sure]

Of course your seeing a attorney was a turning point in the whole process of either staying together or divorcing. It was meant to be and it was necessary.

I can certainly understand how a spouse who was on the fence, confused, or thinking selfishly might have a change of heart. Your seeing the attorney made a clear statement that you were ready to move in one direction or another. Ready to take control of your life and move on. And that is reality, so that's healthy for you both to realize .

 

I'm glad that he may have a change of heart, because you want to stay together.

 

But his saying that he was thinking of staying together until you involved a lawyer...that's exactly like his saying that your taking control of your life and making a decision instead of waiting to see what he might want ...made him change his mind again.

 

He still isn't being accountable or a grown up. That would concern me. He is still toying, he isn't solid.

[Suzanne L]

2sure, I think you are right. I think what happened with the lawyer situation was a wake-up call for him. I think perhaps he is feeling fear and panic at the moment about not being in control.

[Suzanne L]

Thanks beenkilled. I find the fence sitting just awful! Thankfully, soon I will have an answer either way. Over the past 7 months he has told me he wanted to separate about 3 times. Then, each time, the day after he changed his mind, or wasn't 100% certain. So we had 'limbo'. We even tried a 'trial separation' for 2 weeks. After the trial separation we went back to the limbo again.

 

This time, when he told me he wanted to separate he seemed adamant about it. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes, and he looked like he meant it. This was back in early September. Since then, when I have seen him come by to see the kids, he has looked the worst I have ever seen him. I could tell he was not doing good. His face was sunken and tired and he was frowning. Then about a week after he was smiling again and giving me these loving glances that I haven't seen in months. It threw me off guard a bit, but I was still moving on with the lawyer.

 

He told his parents 2 weekends ago that we were separating. At that point they didn't even know there were problems between us. On the Sunday we told the kids that "mommy and daddy need time apart from each other for a while and that daddy is looking for a new place to stay where they would go visit sometimes". So we took the kids to see a house he was thinking of renting.

 

The next day is when we had the deep conversation where he was wondering about the timeline of our separation agreement, and told me he had been doing a lot of thinking about things, and self-reflection. That he was thinking of re-considering. And then the big hug and kiss that I was not expecting.

 

I find it strange that one day he is showing the kids a house he might be renting and the next day he is re-considering everything.

Should I wait until he brings up the conversation about our relationship? Or just wait a week and ask him? I fear we could be headed for 'fence sitting' again... This feeling of 'waiting' is absolutely awful. It is what I have been going through since about May.

[Suzanne L]

I'm glad that he may have a change of heart, because you want to stay together.

 

But his saying that he was thinking of staying together until you involved a lawyer...that's exactly like his saying that your taking control of your life and making a decision instead of waiting to see what he might want ...made him change his mind again.

 

He still isn't being accountable or a grown up. That would concern me. He is still toying, he isn't solid.

 

I agree and I am confused about the lawyer comment! Yes, does he feel like I am always going to be here waiting for me and he was surprised that I was moving on?

[Misadventure]

Suzanne, I see red Flags because with my situation (it was somewhat similar), he was all about NO LAWYERS... It's about money.

 

He could be reconsidering because he sees the financial situation as well.

 

just go in this with open eyes...he may be honestly wanting to work on your marriage... but you will always be waiting for the other foot to drop and for this to happen again.

 

Can you live like that?

[Suzanne L]

Misadventures, thanks for stopping by

I am also wondering about his sudden change of heart. I am hoping for the best and hopefully I will have an answer soon. I do dread the thought that we could work on things and then he still walk out on me in the end