Author Suzanne L Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 Right now my biggest question is how long do I give him to think about things while he is reconsidering getting back together and working on the marriage again? On one hand I don't want to pressure him into a decision. On the other hand, I deserve an answer so I can move on with my life, one way or another! I guess time will tell! Thanks for your support everyone, have a great week! -Suzanne Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Thanks beenkilled. I find the fence sitting just awful! Thankfully, soon I will have an answer either way. Over the past 7 months he has told me he wanted to separate about 3 times. Then, each time, the day after he changed his mind, or wasn't 100% certain. So we had 'limbo'. We even tried a 'trial separation' for 2 weeks. After the trial separation we went back to the limbo again. I hate to sound like a broken record, but this is the kind of thing that the 180 program seems to help, but you have to take it to the logical conclusion rather than in bits and pieces. Focus on yourself, making yourself more independent and giving your spouse the space he needs to clear his mind. Most importantly stop thinking about whether or not the relationship has a future. He's putting pressure on you and you're putting pressure on him to "make a decision" and it really is a decision that should not be made under pressure. Simply back off that decision for a while with the thought that the answer will reveal itself at the right time. You've already crossed the boundary of being "pseudo separated" and stick to that for a while until it feels comfortable, trying not to force reconciliation and not to force full separation/divorce. Once you get comfortable with this new reality, the next move will be a whole lot clearer. How long will that take? I don't know, but you can do some measure of moving-on during this period of your life, and I think that will be enough to make it through this phase. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suzanne L Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 I agree imtooconfused, but it is so hard. I am going to wait for him to come to me to talk. It is so difficult for me in the meantime to keep wondering. I don't think he will wait too long to talk. I agree I need to work on those 180s In the meantime I will enjoy my time with my family and friends. I am going to start doing some art paintings and hopefully get up some energy to do some weight lifting workouts and jogging. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Sounds like you're on the right track. I'd inform him that you're going to live your life looking forward and putting the things in place you need for future happiness. If he wants to be part of it, great. Regardless, the train is leaving the station... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suzanne L Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Sounds like you're on the right track. I'd inform him that you're going to live your life looking forward and putting the things in place you need for future happiness. If he wants to be part of it, great. Regardless, the train is leaving the station... Thanks Mr. Lucky. I like this attitude and way of thinking about things. I feel a lot differently about things after all I've went through since February and the bomb drop of "I don't love you anymore". I have been pretty successful at doing the 180s. Now I am at that point of wanting to move forward, one way or another. I am in the driver's seat now.. does he want to be my passenger I know with certainty I will be fine either way, I will survive! (Just like the Gloria Gaynor song, haha). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suzanne L Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks Beenkilled.. I agree, it is funny how they go into panic mode when they see that you are moving on! So true in both of our cases! I am getting tired of the 'waffling' back and forth on his part, while I am getting dragged through everything. I just want to keep moving forward, and find some happiness. I feel like RIGHT NOW is our last ditch effort. If he can say now that he would like to give it all he's got to work on things, and do counseling, then great! If not, then back to lawyer time, and figuring out a separation agreement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suzanne L Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 “Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.” -Steve_Maraboli Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I feel like RIGHT NOW is our last ditch effort. If he can say now that he would like to give it all he's got to work on things, and do counseling, then great! If not, then back to lawyer time, and figuring out a separation agreement. Life is finite and only a fool would waste years in "limbo". And, assuming you care, you're not doing your partner any favors either by allowing them to remain in stasis forever. It's also liberating and empowering to be the person that acts after being subject to someone else's whims and waffling. So it's OK to set reasonable deadlines for him to decide and act. And as others have pointed out, these timetables can force him to get off the fence. Do what's best for you and your kids and he'll either participate or he won't. His choice. Good luck and keep posting to let us know... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks Beenkilled.. I agree, it is funny how they go into panic mode when they see that you are moving on! So true in both of our cases! I am getting tired of the 'waffling' back and forth on his part, while I am getting dragged through everything. I just want to keep moving forward, and find some happiness. I feel like RIGHT NOW is our last ditch effort. If he can say now that he would like to give it all he's got to work on things, and do counseling, then great! If not, then back to lawyer time, and figuring out a separation agreement. Good for you!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suzanne L Posted October 5, 2013 Author Share Posted October 5, 2013 Life is finite and only a fool would waste years in "limbo". And, assuming you care, you're not doing your partner any favors either by allowing them to remain in stasis forever. It's also liberating and empowering to be the person that acts after being subject to someone else's whims and waffling. Completely agree! I am just wanting an answer either way, as I have done the limbo thing and I am ready to move forward. So it's OK to set reasonable deadlines for him to decide and act. And as others have pointed out, these timetables can force him to get off the fence. Do what's best for you and your kids and he'll either participate or he won't. His choice. I agree that a deadline is needed. I am a stay at home mother right now but I am returning to work in November. I would like a few answers before then, to give me time to prepare for things, either way. Good luck and keep posting to let us know... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suzanne L Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 Well, we had our talk and we talked about reconciling and how that would work. We both agreed that we dont want to go back to how things were before or make the same mistakes again. He is going to start IC, and I am going to keep doing my IC. We agreed that we are not ready for MC yet. He told me that he is worried about how this process will be. He says he is not ready to move back in yet but we could talk about it again in a few days. So I guess now the plan is to do our counseling and move slowly. I think we are both a bit confused as to what to do next if we want to reconcile. Do we start going on dates? Do we start being affectionate again? Do I wait for him to make the first move? I am guessing I need to start off cautiously so he does not go running in the opposite direction! Lol. Anyone have any ideas? Help! I get the feeling that he is looking to me to advise what we should be doing next. I told him I would do some reading and ask my counselor for advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 We agreed that we are not ready for MC yet. I'm curious as to this assessment as the activities below would normally be part of MC: I think we are both a bit confused as to what to do next if we want to reconcile. Do we start going on dates? Do we start being affectionate again? Do I wait for him to make the first move? I am guessing I need to start off cautiously so he does not go running in the opposite direction! Lol. MC doesn't get you ready, it gets you ready to be ready . If your H is willing, I'd get it started. It's the best environment in which to recover a damaged marriage. And if he's not willing, that's another sign you need to pay attention to... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suzanne L Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 I think we are a both a bit aprehensive to start the MC because our last experience was pretty bad and we didnt have a very good counselor. I think the idea was that we start with IC and then later do some MC. You are probably right that we should do the MC soon. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I think we are a both a bit aprehensive to start the MC because our last experience was pretty bad and we didnt have a very good counselor. I think the idea was that we start with IC and then later do some MC. You are probably right that we should do the MC soon. MC is very different from IC (if you have the right counselors). IC will definitely focus on what is best for you and how you feel. MC usually will focus on the relationship and often will focus on how to repair the relationship. Sometimes IC will work counter to what goes on in MC. Link to post Share on other sites
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