Has anyone ever got the "i need space" thing and got back together?

[Intel]

I'm just wondering what my chances are. If I give my girlfriend the space she wants, is there a chance I can have her back? Has anyone ever actually done this?

 

Furthermore, has anyone ever been the one who wanted the "space" and gone back to their ex?

[Weird]

there is no official definition for the "i need space" BS line. I am sure some people actually mean it when they say it but others use it as a lame line to get out of a relationship instead of just getting the balls to say "I don't want to hang around you anymore"

 

With that said, there are cases I'm sure where people have got back together. As for you, I think the best thing for you to do is not wonder/worry about whether you will get back together if you give her what she wants. Nothing you can do will make up her mind in that way so no point in you worrying about it. For what it's worth, I hope everything (have no idea about your situation) works out for you and you will be happy.

[Puma]

ya know what? i dunno cause im the receiving end of that phrase so im just as confused as you are..on a break or whatever ya may want to call it. i dont think we should just sit here and wait. just move on as im tryin and concentrate on yourself..honestly i can tell ya that for the most part from my friends and other peeps ive talked to, taht usually it means they want space and will eventually return if thats what they want..but if not, then its pretty much over. sucks doesnt it? it depends on the break up..and relatinship to determine what the severity of each case is i guess but overall they just want space to sort things out cause they got cold feet, scared, suffocated, or jsut want to leave and try new things/people whatever it may be. all ya can do is give it time, and then tiem will tell..but dont be stuck in ur house as you will drive yourself crazy..hell im out all the time since my break up three weeks ago and i still think of her no matter where im at, but thats the pain associated with heartbreak unfortunatlely. there is always hope though!!

[DacaInaru]

check this out.. when I seperated from my ex.. I was very clear to him that I was done with the relationship.. he however, couldn't believe that I was willing to give up "such a good thing" as he put it.. my only way to get him to leave the house was by telling him that I needed space.. Once he was gone..I quickly had the locks changed and had the remainder of his items delivered to him..

 

to this day.. and we have been divorced over 9 years now.. he still comments on how he thought we were getting back together.. even though I had clearly told him that I was done and finished with the relationship..

 

So I have to agree with the above.. its just a lame excuse to get rid of the person.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Intel

If I give my girlfriend the space she wants, is there a chance I can have her back?

 

 

Sure you can have her back but when she ask for space you give her LOTS AND LOTS of space. As in you don't talke with her for a month or two, no emails, no contact at all. Then she will start to miss you and come back to you and the make up sex will be great.

 

Now, when you are apart you must work on making yourself #1 and bettering yourself in some way. Like starting to work out or start a new hobby or chase some new women. Anything to make yerself feel good.

[SadAndLonely]

My boyfriend said he needed space when he broke up with me. We didn't see each other every day, but we talked often if we didn't see each other, and he didn't have enough time to himself. We were going to stay friends eventually, and I backed off to give him the time and space he needed, and started pursuing my own interests. Eventually he started to miss me, and we worked on the compromise to see or talk less often. He needs the opportunity to miss me, and I him, or else our relationship stagnates and we start to fight. It's amazing how often I see people on these boards say things like, "We spent every single day together and talked on the phone eight times a day, so I can't figure out why he'd leave me!!"

 

That boggles my mind. Why you have to talk to ANYONE eight times a day is beyond me. Everyone needs time to themselves and time away from people, or else they start to feel stifled. There are some people who are codependent on each other and claim to like to spend every waking moment together, but I don't think it's healthy. And then there are times when you just don't know what you want, and need some breathing room to consider it.

 

My boyfriend and I get along wonderfully now, and when I can tell that he's getting into a mood I back away. He always comes back around again. So yes, you can get back together with someone, and it's not always a line if they say they need space. Just make sure that that's the real reason, and do NOT push.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by SadAndLonely

 

That boggles my mind. Why you have to talk to ANYONE eight times a day is beyond me. Everyone needs time to themselves and time away from people, or else they start to feel stifled. There are some people who are codependent on each other and claim to like to spend every waking moment together, but I don't think it's healthy.

 

 

Ahhh....some very wise and insightful comments Sad&Lonely. My idea of seriously dating someone is to see them maybe twice a week and maybe talk on the phone a few times a week.

 

I see many people that are younger, <25, that think dating means being together 24x7x365. NO, this is not the way it works. By the time you hit 40 yrs old you have so much krap going on in yer life you are lucky to see your S.O. maybe once or twice a week, assuming you are not living togethr or married.

 

These people who get into relationships and spend every waking moment with their S.O. and drop their interests and life and friends make me sick to my stomach. Most of them are insecure losers who make their S.O. the center of their universe.

[Intel]

You guys all make really good points. I guess I just don't understand how my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years can NOT miss me right now. We saw eachother about 3 or 4 times a week but it was by no means 24/7 contact. Just a couple of weeks ago, her car broke down so she wasn't going to be able to see me for like 4 days and she goes "but I'm not going to see you until Friday?" It doesn't make sense. I missed her the second she told me that she didn't want to be together and it's been 4 days of hell. Is she ever going to think about me and think about what she's doing? Or ultimatly question whether or not she's made a mistake?

 

She also said that she didn't feel like she loved me anymore. But how can she say that if she's never been away from me? How can she say that she doesn't love me if she hasn't had her "space" to think about whether she really does or not?

[SadAndLonely]

Originally posted by Intel

it's been 4 days of hell. Is she ever going to think about me and think about what she's doing? Or ultimatly question whether or not she's made a mistake?

 

She very well might, but you need to get a grip. Although I know it SEEMS like a long time, four days really isn't that long. When my boyfriend and I broke up, he asked that I not call him for a week, which I respected. I thought for sure that he had gotten over me, because he got wishy washy, said he didn't know how he felt (he wasn't dating anyone; he's not a typical guy, and was just hanging around at home playing video games) about me anymore, and said he'd be over me by the time the week was up. So he called me. I played it cool, continued to pursue my own interests, and eventually he started to come around. It took a month, but even that's pretty fast when you think about it in hindsight. When the truth all came out, it turns out that he never stopped loving me, he certainly did NOT get over me at all, much less within a week, and he was very upset about the breakup, but just felt he needed time to himself and time apart to make sure this was what he wanted. In MY mind he was celebrating, throwing parties, looking for girls, etc. In other words, I blew it totally out of proportion.

 

So back off, cool down, do some things you really like, and vent to other people if you need to, preferably trusted friends or family. But don't push her, and don't assume that everything is how she portrays it. When hurting we tend to protect ourselves by putting on facades. But don't expect anything, either. Just pursue your own happiness.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Intel

I'm just wondering what my chances are. If I give my girlfriend the space she wants, is there a chance I can have her back? Has anyone ever actually done this?

 

Furthermore, has anyone ever been the one who wanted the "space" and gone back to their ex?

 

Yes on both counts.

[Intel]

What's weird is that my boss' wife did the same thing to him a couple of years ago. They were engaged, and living together and out of no where she tells him she doesn't want to see him again and that she doesn't love him anymore...feels like they're just friends and nothing else.

 

He said that he didn't try talking to her or anything and about a week later she started calling him and he just didn't pick up the phone. He let that go by for about another week and finally he picked up the phone and said "what do you want?" She asked him why he didn't answer and express her interest in being friends. He told her, "You made your decision". But a according to him, he just played hardball for about another week or so and they eventually got back together and they're now married.

 

Not that his situation totally encapsulates mine, but everytime I tell him something about my situation, he goes "that sounds familiar" or "It's like deja vu". I know it's not healthy to hold out hope that my girlfriend will come back to me, but by the same token, I miss her so much and I don't really want anyone else but her.

[hurtingandconfused]

Most of them are insecure losers who make their S.O. the center of their universe.

 

My friend that is young love. Being together 24/7 is part of the learning process. You shouldn't criticize other people for their mistakes.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by hurtingandconfused

My friend that is young love. Being together 24/7 is part of the learning process. You shouldn't criticize other people for their mistakes.

 

 

Dear H&C:

 

I know people that are 45 years old that are clingy losers that become another appendage of the people they date. Usually it drives their new love interest away.

 

So don't tell me it is just for young lovers.

[miss kay]

i have been on both sides of your question, and unfortunately when some-one say`s they need space or time on there own it normally means their not happy with the relationship, or they have found some one else and are

uncertain about whether to break up or not.

 

if you love her, try and speak to her about the real reason she needs time or a break, and if you do give her some slack just see what happens, because if she does love you she will be in contact with you all the time, i know this

because i went through it.

 

and yes i did get back together.

[lovesucks]

My husband has been cheating on me since April and I left him in early November. It's been a month now since we are separated. At first, he called me in tears and begged me to go back. I refused. But now, he is telling me that he feels better this way being left with more space and time by himself so he can figure out who/ what he wants. He calls me 3/ 4 times a week and maybe see each other once or twice. I try to hold back intimacy because I need to make him realize he has hurt me deeply and he needs to respect me and to make an effort if he wants to save our marriage, not by words but by actions. I must say that meanwhile I feel good keeping our relationship like this at this point. He can have as much space as he wants and I am not pushing a bit. He is also not pushing too hard but he still keeps calling me and probably still speaks to the OW. Even though I talk to him I remain nice and kind but I have drawn the boundary by no longer discussing anything intimate with him nor do I pick up his phone calls all the time. I never call him. I want him to realize that I am not an object that he can have anytime he wants. I certainly don't feel I should be committed to him anymore.

 

I am the one who left him because he is cheating on me. In my case, I made the decision to move out so if he really wants to get me back I need to see actions and changes, even though he feels good with the kind of space and time he has now. I am not expecting much about getting back together. I only think it is a good period of time not only for me, but for him, to think about whether we are right for each other. I am using this period to observe and feel because only time can tell and I believe what I will feel will be the answers I am looking for making the right decision.

[Good heart]

I was rounding on one of my patients today and after making sure everything was well on the clinical aspect, I asked him , do you have any question or any comment ?, he just said: "I lost my pride".

the guy was 75 years.

When a partner says to the other" I need space", think about that old man and remember your pride, leave these dumpers alone and never look back, otherwise by the time you will reach 75 you will not have the opportunity to utter these words to your doctor. you will not have any pride to brag about anymore.

just a thought

 

Sex is a battle

love is War

[Intel]

Pride is a sin for which hell is a sentence. To be without my girlfriend that I love, is to be in hell already.

[Puma]

pride is different than hope and perseverence. pride clouds ur judgement, hope guides it. i think pride is taken out of context here. there is PRIDE in knowing you love someone and that they are the ones for you..keep the hope, faith, and pray!! but i see its not a good thing when..it affects who you are. be strong, confident..go to the roots of ur existence, ur morals, values, beliefs and goals. its ok to want that loved one back..but dont let it be ur sole pupose for livin now, we have to stay focused and live and learn, its all a process. everything is possible, remember that

[tgrace]

I sympathize with those going through this. I'm three weeks into a breakup myself. And, it has to be one of the most bizarre situations I've ever been through.

 

I started dating this man a year ago August. We had our separate interests but we spent a lot of time together. It was spoken early on in the relationship that a year from then, he would be moving 300 miles away to attend college. But, I was living for the moment and enjoying myself.

 

By the end of December, he told me he loved me and was in love with me. I was hesitant myself because of how I ended up in past relationships but eventually, I started letting my walls down and found myself in love with him too.

 

By February, he wasn't happy with his current living situation and I had just moved a little further out of town. We discussed moving in together because it would be a good test to see if we were compatible for the long term. His goal was still to go away to school and he wanted me to move with him. I felt an obligation to stay here because of my teenage children finishing school where they've always been. He told me he understood that.

 

We lived together for four months and had no issues. He moved to his new location in July. And, I stayed here. But, we planned how to make the long distance relationship work and he said he fully saw us together after he was done with school and my kids graduated high school.

 

We talked on the phone numerous times a day and kept up with each other's lives as much as possible. Then all hell broke loose. At the end of August, he ran into a female he had known in high school and hadn't had contact with in 18 years. For the most part, he kept in contact with women he'd known, whether they had just been friends or dated. This pounded on my self esteem a lot. But these female friends were important to him. So, he started making phone calls to this woman because he said they were friends long ago and they were catching up on 18 years of history. He always told me when they had talked and let me know what was going on in her life. Swore up and down the friendship was platonic. I felt it was important to trust him.

 

The first weekend in October, I went over for a weekend visit. The visit was good but I was sensing some kind of 'wall' up between us and some lack of passion. He claimed I was imagining it and everything was fine. Things improved a little bit after that. I told him that it was utter hell being that far apart and that I would consider moving over there sooner. Then, two days after I came home, my son was in a car accident. He sustained some brain damage but for the most part he's fine. However, I was wrapped up in those events. And, while we still talked all the time, I was a little distant I think.

 

He was due to come for a visit here for four days over Thanksgiving. Two weeks prior, he calls me, told me he'd come across some extra money and would I mind having him come to town because he missed me. He came to town for a short visit and I felt the visit was great and nothing out of the ordinary. He went home on a Sunday, made numerous phone calls to me on the way home, after he got home and the next morning. Later that day I got an email.

 

He told me that he'd been thinking about this ever since my last visit. That, once he really stopped to think about it, he realized he wasn't in love with me and didn't see us together forever. He said he felt he wanted to be in love and put that want off on me. He told me that I'm an awesome person, that I did nothing wrong, and did nothing but compliment me. He said he hoped I could forgive him and we could be friends. He felt it was important to be available to me whether it was questioning, crying or chewing him out. And, he's taken it in droves.

 

Well, now his relationship with that girl from high school has evolved. Without getting into a lot of detail on it, it now supposedly blindsided him and she'd like to pursue more than a friendship with him. He still claims that he thought of them as nothing more than friends and doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to end up with another female and do the same thing to them as he did to me.

 

Now, here's the clincher. I've logged in probably 12-15 hours of conversation with him since he told me he wanted to break up. And, while the conversations, in the beginning, consisted of "I never meant to hurt you, I just realized I wasn't in love with you," now I'm hearing things like, "I don't know, I feel so confused." Or, "maybe eventually things will happen and I'll realize I was wrong." Or, better yet, "maybe I was scared, but I don't think I was."

 

And, I hear the same from my friends too that I need to not talk to him anymore and just move on. But, it's hard when there are time and emotions involved. Especially when you're getting unclear and mixed messages with a breakup. If he's confused and questioning whether he was scared, is there a chance he could realize he was wrong and want me back?

[Intel]

I think there is a chance. But, you should just tell him that you can't see/talk to him for a while because HE made this decision, and the ball is really in his court. I think he may be just trying to hold on to you as a 'plan B' in case that thing with the other woman doesn't work out.

[Puma]

id have to agree withintel, become distant, indifferent, that will throw him off a bit and if he cares he will contact you cause his curiousity will get the best of him. just move on for now..become happy again..if you feel you cant thats ok and understandable..pretend to be happy, good thingd happen to good people. this will work! be happy with what you have and you will get more..let him se u in a good light when he does contact you..it will get him thinkin, adn thats a good thing cause it bother him a bit and he will begin to question what he is feelin and his original decision. u must be happy though!!! dont cry or be sad when y ado talk to him..and let him rech you, if after good time he doesnt then just write or cal him if ya can hold back any emotions and tell him hi and how things goin. he'll wonder why u seem so happy and will want to see taht..caue its intrguing. we are all drawn to happy people, or am i wrong? put urself as the dumper now and use what i just told ya..would you start thinki nabout him even though you dumped him?? would u get to thinkin wow.hes great?

[now_an_x]

i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. we always talked about getting married and the future. the past few months, i've felt him growing distant. i'd always ask him if anything was wrong, if he was falling out of love with me, etc and he always denied it.

 

then the day before new year's eve, he tells me he'd really been thinking alot about things and thinks we should just be friends. then if we decide to get back together, good. in the meantime we should date around. when i asked if this all had to do with a 3rd party, he promised and swore there wasnt any. he says he still wants to marry me, that i'm the only one he can or has ever wanted to marry. he even asked if i would ever take him back if he came running back to me again (to which i said, "maybe, maybe not...but i'm not gonna sit around waiting"). and he says he's doing this because of the future, our future. he thinks this is necessary. he didn't say this (since he's not very good at expressing himself with words), but i think its just that we've been around each other too much and i guess we're both "burnt out." i think he would rather we have this time apart now, than go on and later on totally fall out of love with each other.

 

needless to say i didn't enjoy my new year 100%. i'm seeing him again in a few hours because we had made plans to see a show before the "break up" or whatever it was, and would still like to see it very much. i never protested when he said he just wants to be friends. i just agreed, because frankly, i had been thinking about breaking up too because i felt that our relationship has plateued.

 

but i'm still very hurt because this happened at such an unexpected time. we had been together the day before and things seemed so normal. so i'm confused. he said he's confused as well. i'm seeing him in a while and will update after we talk. i'm just still very hurt

[VirginiaBob]

"I need space" = I want to date other people and/or I don't love you enough to want you around me all the time. If you hear this, time to move on with someone else. If she calls back begging for you, great, take the makeup sex, but not too seriously. Let him/her prove themselves worthy of you after attempting to put you throught the "I need space" hell.

[ajogokats]

...suppose she said I need space,ok, well dont do this.....it just an example of what some people do. Call her at work, text her,leave messages,email her,all these things,every day5,6...10 times a day,what do you think she'll do? she'll pull away from you like you got the plague.

If she says I need space,she's saying get the hell away fom me,then pull NC,if she loves you,she'll go nuts wondering what you are up to,who you're seeing,why doesnt he call(go figure)and soon she'll be in contact with you. If she doesn't love you,what are you going to do,hypnotise her?You cant make someone love you,BUT you can help them figure it out by granting them space that they are intitled to. You have to,you can push someone out of love if you hound them. Anyway,hope you understand my point of view. I know and so does everyone else who's been there,it's tuff as hell,but you have no choice, AJ.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi everyone,

 

I have a question to all of you. If you got back with your partner after they told you they needed space, how long did it take? Does it get more unlikely to reconnect the more time passes?

 

My guy broke up with me 3 months ago saying he needed to figure out his life by himself and he needed time and space.

 

He originally wanted to stay in touch during that time, but after 1.5 months I could not take it anymore and stopped taking his calls. So he stopped contacting me. I felt bad about that and send him an ecard for Channukah 17 days later to which he replied straight away.

 

In the last month I got 2 messages from him. Last was 3 days ago. He asked how I was doing and sounded kinda caring about me. I replied but have not heard from him since.

 

Now I expect to not hear from him for another 2 weeks and then get another short text message.

 

Does that sound like he is still making up his mind and I should keep on giving him space? Or does it sound like he has made up his mind and is not interested anymore?

 

How to tell? And what to do? If I ask him I guess that would come across as pushing and not giving him his space, which I dont want to.

 

So is there a likely timelimit once a reconcilliation is not to expected anymore?

 

Would appreciate any comments to it.