Has anyone ever got the "i need space" thing and got back together?

[ajogokats]

..all you can do is let him know your still there for him,and hang on as long as you can. If he wants you, he'll let you know. AJ.

[FluffyCuffs]

Hi,

 

My ex broke up with me on Wednesday night, claiming that he had too many stresses in his life, that he didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment, and that he didn't really feel we were happy together.

 

We've only been together for 7 months, but have known each other for almost 3 years on and off.

 

I understand what he means when he says he's stressed. He has problems with his family, his boss is a complete A-hole to him, he has a court case coming up on Monday, and he doesn't feel he can deal with having to make another person happy when he can't even sort his own stuff out, although he said he does love me and breaking up with me was the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

 

He can be a typical guy sometimes. Not calling when he said he would, being distant and not seeing me for a while etc which he now claims was because he hasn't really been happy for the last 3 months of the relationship, although the first 4 were fantastic. He said I get moody and go into a sulk with him over things he doesn't view as being 'sulk worthy' if you like. But it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other! I get moody when he does things I don't like, even though I've asked him not to do them, and he still carries on. He says he does those things *because* I'm moody! .. which is totally confusing because we both say the other is to blame for our behaviour.

 

He thinks I have barriers up because I had a hard time with my ex, and he doesn't feel he deserves to be treated that way, when he's been nothing but honest and open with me. He thinks if we continue to see each other, he'll end up putting barriers up himself, and that's something he doesn't want to do.

 

He's right in what he says, I do have barriers up, but they only go up when I'm feeling rejected by him, I.E when he doesn't call for a day or two, even though he promised he would do. It isn't in my nature to be closed off to people, the barriers are something I choose to put up at certain times, but I can also choose to take them down again. I promised him that I wouldn't do that with him anymore, the barriers would be permanently down with him, I wouldn't get sulky over little things like phone calls, but he said that he didn't expect me to change for him, nor should I have to.

 

He started off by saying we should remain friends, because he couldn't bear to not have me in his life. I said that would be too difficult to do, having him around, but not being able to actually have him. He seemed really upset by that comment, but said he respected my decision. I was about to say I thought he should probably leave, but before I could stop myself, I just burst into tears and said that I didn't want him to leave. I loved and adored him far too much to even think about us not being together. He started crying too, but said the he just couldn't deal with me anymore, he felt as though he was having to watch what he said everytime we spoke, in case I took it the wrong way, and it made him feel like sh*t, he doesn't want to be treated that way and then he just kept saying, "I'm sorry, I can't do this with you anymore." He asked me for one last kiss, and a hug which lasted for about 10 mins! We were both crying and I kept asking him not to leave me, but he said that it wasn't working and he needed time to himself, to do his own thing.

 

He said it was breaking his heart to walk away, because he loves me so much, and the next this is he suggested a break. He said he wasn't sure how long he would need, maybe 2 weeks, maybe a month, he just didn't know. All he wanted was to do his own thing, without worrying about other people, to go out with his friends, make money, sort his head out etc. He said we both have phones so if either wants to call the other, that'll be fine. I asked him about seeing other people, and could we make a rule that we won't be with anyone else in any way, shape or form, until we've decided where we're heading with the relationship. He said he wants there to be no rules, he won't go out and intentionally meet somebody else though, and to keep him informed if I do.

 

He says he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone else, and the thought of us being unhappy together, is a far worse reality than beaking up. He doesn't want us to end up hating each other, and said if the next 3 months went anything like the last 3, that's what would happen. He does want to keep in touch though, and we'll review the situation when he gets his head together. Although he doesn't know if he'll even want to be with me in a month's time. He told me not to wait for him because he isn't worth waiting for, he feels like a sh*tty person for doing this to me, and says I can do so much better.

 

I'm totally confused! If we love each other, then surely we can overcome these things together? I'm totally willing to cut out the behaviour that annoys him, because I value him so much, I feel he's worth it. Why doesn't he want to give it a second chance? Is he really too stressed for a relationship, or is saying "we're on a break" just a nice way of dumping me permanently? Is there a chance he'll want me back after the court case is lifted off his shoulders on Monday?

 

It's now Saturday and we haven't spoken since Wednesday night. I haven't called him or anything, nor has he called me. I want to call him on Sunday to say I'll be thinking of him on Monday, but not sure if that's wise. If I give him space, will he appreciate that more than me calling? I'm at a loss as to what to do.

 

I love him and miss him so much. I just can't bear to lose him.

[Intel]

Well, being that I'm the one who started this particular discussion, it would only be fair for me to give anyone who is interested an update. Before I do: FLUFFY CUFFS, if that's really you in that picture then your boyfriend is a complete moron.

 

Anyway, the other day...after about 2 months since the break-up, I was on the internet and I realized that I knew of a way I could check me ex's email. I could get her password by clicking the "forgot password" thing and answering the password hints. I know, I shouldn't have done it, but I just wanted to see if she was even reading the emails that I sent to her a couple of weeks ago.

 

When i got in, I saw that there were a bunch of messages from this guy. I checked them only to find out they said things like "I love you" and blah blah blah. Then the bombshell hit: She said in one of the messages that she was pregnant.

 

I almost had a heart attack. I thought, "It better not be this guy's". So I called her house. She answered the phone. It was the first time we talked since Thanksgiving when she broke up with me. I asked her if anything was new or different. She said, well, what have you heard"? I said, "Why don't U just tell me". She said, "I'm 2 weeks pregnant". I said, "Who's is it"? She said, "Somebody else's". I said, "yeah, who". She said, "A guy I'm seeing". I said, "Well now I know why you broke up with me, you were cheating on me". She said, "No i wasn't, I met this person after we broke up". So I said, "And now you're already gonna have a kid with him"? She goes, "What does it matter to you anyway". So i just said, "Sorry to have bothered you" and hung up.

 

I don't know if I can describe to anyone reading this, how bad I feel right now. After over 3 years of dating her, it took her only 6 weeks to be pregnant with another guy? I gave everything I had to that relationship and I ended up with this. This is worse that if I had never met her to begin with. I'd gladly give it all back to have never even gone out with her.

 

My feeling is that this fill screw me up for the rest of my life. The girl I knew and dated would have NEVER done this to me...but she did. How can I ever trust another person in a relationship? Even if I find someone to date for say, 3 years, I'm always going to be thinking about when she's gonna bail on me or if she's gonna leave me for another guy. I wish I never looked at those emails. This hurts so much worse than just no knowing.

[VirginiaBob]

"How can I ever trust another person in a relationship?"

 

Honestly, my answer to you on this is don't. But not in the jealous way. What I mean is don't trust anyone with your heart. Let someone love you, but don't love back (or just fake that you do, don't reallly love). It's easier. And then if they do cheat on you, who cares, you didn't have feelings for them anyways. If you love someone more than they love you, you always (let me repeat, always) get the short end of the stick. And if you are loved more than you give out, you get to be the one that is worshipped.

[Intel]

I think that I know exactly what you are feeling. You feel like you want to do whatever it takes to make it work, but at the same time you're wondering why he doesn't. His words are, "love you", "miss you", "together", etc...but his actions are the exact opposite. If you think about it, the reason you feel so bad is because you have genuine feelings for this person, so you can't stand being apart. But if he had the same feelings that you do, why is he wanting to be apart?

 

I understand, you're supposed to be confused. But the more I hear about things and experience this sort of crap, the more I realize that either a relationship works or it doesn't. Me and my ex went out for 3 years and there was 2 different times where she broke up with me but we got back together a couple of days later. But NOW, I wish we had just broken up for good and (as Usher says) "let it burn". 'Cause it hurts much worse the more it drags on, believe me. I know that you probably want him back and you don't want to hear this, but take my advice PLEASE...let him go. You don't want to feel what I'm feeling right now.

 

I think that its a crime that people just don't have the guts to break up with someone. It seems like its a new trend to "need space" or "be on a break" with someone rather than just tell them that its over.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

"How can I ever trust another person in a relationship?"

 

Honestly, my answer to you on this is don't. But not in the jealous way. What I mean is don't trust anyone with your heart.

 

Trust is developed over a long period, usually a # of years. Don't trust anyone fully until they have EARNED your trust by their actions or inactions over a long long long long stretch of time. Even after that I would say don't trust anyone 100%.

[Intel]

Bob, that's about the worst advice I've ever heard. And what's funny is that's also just about the best advice i've ever heard.

 

The only problem with that philosophy is then, how do you ever get married? So, do you still get married to someone that you don't really dig all that much? How do you have a family with someone that you're "pretending to love"?

[Intel]

Alphamale, almost everyone who has ever been wronged or cheated on would tell you that they trusted their significant other. Can you really say to them what you just said? How could you look them in the face and say, "you should let people earn your trust"?

 

It's almost like telling someone who has been raped that they should just go ahead and let people earn their trust with them. Don't you think that once something like this happens that there's a permanant wall that is set up?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Intel

Alphamale, almost everyone who has ever been wronged or cheated on would tell you that they trusted their significant other. Can you really say to them what you just said? How could you look them in the face and say, "you should let people earn your trust"?

 

It's almost like telling someone who has been raped that they should just go ahead and let people earn their trust with them. Don't you think that once something like this happens that there's a permanant wall that is set up?

 

Well INTEL, most of us don't have much choice but to trust others every day. Yes, walls do go up as you get burned and as you get older and become more cynical but these can be broken down, maybe not fully but over time. We all have to trust one another all the time.

 

- you have to trust your doctor knows what he/she is doing

- you have to trust your boss

- you have to trust that people will stop at a red light

- you have to trust that the pilot flying your jetliner is not drunk

- you have to trust that the guy standing in line behind you at the bank is not going to rob it.

 

etc etc etc, millions of other examples. in relationships people do get more gun shy and trust less but they also get wiser and have more experience and are less naive.