Making a difference among step-children?

[mandimay]

Hi...Hope someone has some advice for me...I will make this as short as possible...

 

I am a 31 year old single mom. I have 2 hyper boys (11 and 8). About 10 months ago I fell in love with the most wonderful man...He is great to me!! About 4 months ago I moved 200 miles away from home to be near him and to find a better job...Things worked out just as planned!

 

My bf is also a single dad. He has 3 children. (a girl and 2 boys, 9, 7 and 5) It has been a battle for many months to bring them home. That battle was finally won a few days ago...Now, to my dilema.

 

I am from a very large and "loud" family. My sons are no exception. For months, when in my bf's presence I have tried to keep my sons a little less vocal...Loud laughing and running, etc, seemed to be a stressful thing to him and at times was pretty stressful to me, so I called them down.

 

Since my bf's kids has been here it has been so outrageous. Of course, five children in one house WOULD BE outrageous but I knew what it would be like...I mean, I grew up as the oldest of five children and my fiance was the youngest of five. We both knew what to expect. MY problem is that I've found things that bothered him when my children would do it are not held the same with his. My sons get punished for eating in their room and have been punished numerous times throughout the months. His are permitted to do so and when my 8 year old son asks why he is being "fussy". Last night a tiny child-like fight between one of mine and one of his began. My son was immediately pegged as the "bad guy" and lying about how the event occurred when I saw the situation and he was telling the truth...He was pegged as the "bad guy" just because he happened to be the loudest of the 2 (as I said, I have wonderfully loud children).

 

I am beginning to feel a bit resentful. Rules that I try to lay out are ignored (example: I do web design, therefore I have been expected to spend 13 hours over the past 4 days making websites...I haven't been around them long enough to feel comfortable telling them "no"...And when I voice to my bf that I would like to request that he hold to his rule about having computer time limits, he will say something vaguely but when they slip in the computer room and start requesting my help he doesn't back me up by saying "No, not now. You've spent 4 hours on the computer today." When I say something AGAIN later on about seeing that the kids computer time is limited he says "Well, I guess we will just do away with it..." rather than enforcing his rule with his children.

 

I won't go into all of the situations but my boys are just being "my boys"...they are hyper children, active, love to wrestle and romp around...and I love everything about them...I just feel so bad...as if I had tried to change everything about them for months and now am not at all happy that the same things that were "bad" and deserved punishment with my boys are now no big deal with his.

 

I would like to see him try to keep his children under control (he has done nothing of the sort....) and also not cater to their tears when I try to have a moment with my sons alone...It's getting very tiring. My 11 year old wants to know "when are you going to spend time with me?" ...and I can't blame him...not for a second... I've tried to make everyone happy and I don't see that I can spread myself that thin since I have become the entertainer of the house.

 

I don't have "bad" children....They have their quirks like every child does...It's what makes them unique...I feel very uncomfortable and have considered just going home. My parents and 2 of my friends have offered me places to stay

until I could find somewhere to live. I am considering doing this.

 

The biggest issue? This man has been great to me. Incredible. When I hit hard times before moving he fed my sons and I for weeks. When I could not find a job he MOVED me and my boys into his home. He treats me like an angel...Our only problem? I resent their being a difference made in our children...especially since I have tried provide for and treat his just as great as I provide for and treat my own.

 

Any advice?

[Brookiedoll87]

My father remarried a women who had a daughter my age. I traveled back and forth between my real* mother and my dads house. She would make up rules for me.. if her daughter didn't want to do her chores... I had to do them. I shared a room with her for 3 years. She got 1st pick in EVERYTHING. At my mother house i have a younger brother, he is 8 but no matter the age my mother treats us fairly in almost everything, besides the exceptions of me being able to go and do things with friends and boyfriends. I know how your kids feel. I am only 17. I have been through alot. My father is dieing of cancer, my mother has not too long ago recovered from meningitis and alot more. But i am sure your kids feel out of place. I did too. I couldn't understand why i had to follow my fathers rules for me but she didn't have to do anything he said. My advice to you is talk to him. The only way to get the message across is to communicate. Tell him you want to treat his kids the same way as you treat yours.. but at the same time, make agreements. Make exceptions... "The kids can eat in there rooms only when it is something that doesn't leave crumbs or just something that wont make a mess." but.. also mention the 1st time one of the kids.. no matter yours or his, leaves crumbs or doesn't clean up the mess they may have made, they will no longer be able to do it again until given permission. Tell him how you feel. I know your kids may not understand right now, or may not want to grasp the fact that you are not longer JUST there's.. Talk as a Family... but remember... Cater to everyones needs and Compromise with your boyfriend. If you want this to work out, then he has to make some exceptions too! Hope everything works out for the best !!!!

[mandimay]

Wow...Incredible! For 17 you certainly have a strong head on your shoulders and you have given me some great advice! I read your post last night and communicated with my bf about how I do not want to see a difference made. I am trying to treat everyone the same and I want him to do the same thing. Example: Last week there was a rule when it was just my 2 kids that no one was allowed in the computer room but adults...Now the room is like the "play room" and my oldest can't understand why he was held to this rule for months but now the computer room is suddenly "kid central". My bf and I came up with a plan. For the computer there is a deadline of 30 minutes on weekdays and 1 hour on weekends. I also will be taking one hour today alone with my boys to go somewhere and talk to them. (Lately when I go somewhere he ends up saying "But this one and this one wants to go also..." And if I don't take them all then one or two start to pout and cry and he babies them...making me look even worse. I need the time alone with mine to let them know that I love them more than anything and that hasn't changed one bit but I have 3 more to love now and will equally give each of them my time...Also that I want them to be themselves. Don't change who they are at all. I told my bf that they will just be themselves from now on...and I will no longer call them down for being who they are...and we will just have to see if it's something he can deal with.

 

Thanks so much for your advice! When I saw your age I was completely impressed!

[Brookiedoll87]

Thank you very much, i am glad i can help out. I really hope all goes well, and i am glad you and your boyfriend have made a compromise. My mom always told me that when a problem comes up, "Talk it down" Like i said before, Best of Wishes with you and your new family !!!